Yucktard

Lucky day! I’m off for the Christmas break, my most boring friends have crawled back into the hole from whence they came, and my good buds seem to have surrounded me. Good times! Although I am still riding that fence w/My Favorite Mistake, things seem to be looking up for now, and so I’ll suck the enjoyment out of every happy molecule I’m fortunate enough to be exposed to b/c dammit, it’s Christmas!

I can hardly belive some head shrinker wants to prescribe meds for me. I really do not like that lady, and I need to stop shelling out money to see her. The psychologist, on the other hand, is a really nice woman who really listens and tries to make sense out of the logic I’ve constructed around myself. Not that there are happy little clouds and fluffy bunnies scampering about, but my issues about guilt, why I’m nowhere near up to my potential, and still sitting in Seguin waiting for my life to start. In that way I feel a lot like that movie “Girl Interrupted”, sans the episodes she has where it’s hard to tell if shit is really going on, or just going on in her head. I WISH I had that talent. But really, I just spend so much time barreling through the hours, days, months, and now years of life that I feel like I haven’t cultivated anything to be proud of. It’s like when Enoch saw my calendar with each previous day crossed out and he asked me what I was counting down to. At the time I shrugged my shoulders, but decades later I wonder…what I am counting each day towards? My grandma to pass? For things to get easier? For the perfect job to fall into my lap? For someone to toss me a schedule for classes so that I can start grad school? Why am I so proactive in blaming myself for stagnating but not at all interested in getting shit done? What am I afraid of? And so the notion that the shrink has knowledge of any pills that are going to give me those answers is just laughable. Well, I guess speed or heroin would give me a cause for a while, but I’d need more disposable income to get a really good habit going.

No, while I believe that drugs help many people each day, I do not believe that there is anything wrong with me. I just want to start focusing on the shit that's right with me and go from there.

Karma is a B.

Well, about that time I guess. The hammer dropped (finally) last night. He admitted that he didn’t think he could ever make me happy, and he just wants to be loved and accepted for who he is. And to this I say “DUH, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I’ve only told you that since the 3rd week I met you, almost 5 fucking years ago! You remember, when I was sweet and didn’t have that little wrinkle on my forehead from frowning so much at your lack of consideration, respect, trust, ambition, and values” Now, gentle reader, I did not actually say this but hot damn I wanted to! I can honestly say that for as long as I’ve known this about the relationship, which is just about as long as I’ve known him, I’ve been waiting for him to come to this realization. Each time I’ve left him (boy does that sound insanely stupid), I always reassured him that he would be OK and that he needed to find someone who appreciated what he had to give. I’ve told him that it will hurt so bad to not be with him but that in time it would be better. Yesterday was the first time he’s relayed that sentiment to me, and as fear like I have never known gripped my heart. Wow. It’s really over. I’m really not going to hold his chubby stubby fingered hand anymore. No more snuggling when it’s cold. No one to brush away my tears when I’m sad. But there also won’t be anyone lying to me on a daily basis, or facing the reality that I have a whole other life away from family which means I have spent every holiday "alone" at family gatherings. No worries that his rage will provoke another physical altercation, that he will again hurl obscenities and hurtful words at me, or that my Dad will come to my house and find that in spite of what has transpired before, I am still with this living time bomb. And then maybe there will be someone new someday. Someone who likes himself, knows what he needs, and wants to share himself with me. One day, years from now, I long to say to my children "Listen to your daddy, he's a good man", and really mean it. I could never have that with Shawn.

Last night I saw Elizabeth, which is one of my favorite movies. I was anxious about watching it because I had last seen it when I was single, when this movie was so up my alley. One who is willing to sacrifice love because of the pain it brings, and the fear of love being your undoing. I “made” myself watch it last night because I wondered how I would view this through the eyes of a woman who has been in a relationship for almost 5 years. I still believe she acted nobly to forgo that which she knew would bring her joy but would also bring her pain. She married a higher ideal, which would not abandon or betray her. Either this is scary or reassuring, I can’t decide which.