Karma is a B.

Well, about that time I guess. The hammer dropped (finally) last night. He admitted that he didn’t think he could ever make me happy, and he just wants to be loved and accepted for who he is. And to this I say “DUH, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I’ve only told you that since the 3rd week I met you, almost 5 fucking years ago! You remember, when I was sweet and didn’t have that little wrinkle on my forehead from frowning so much at your lack of consideration, respect, trust, ambition, and values” Now, gentle reader, I did not actually say this but hot damn I wanted to! I can honestly say that for as long as I’ve known this about the relationship, which is just about as long as I’ve known him, I’ve been waiting for him to come to this realization. Each time I’ve left him (boy does that sound insanely stupid), I always reassured him that he would be OK and that he needed to find someone who appreciated what he had to give. I’ve told him that it will hurt so bad to not be with him but that in time it would be better. Yesterday was the first time he’s relayed that sentiment to me, and as fear like I have never known gripped my heart. Wow. It’s really over. I’m really not going to hold his chubby stubby fingered hand anymore. No more snuggling when it’s cold. No one to brush away my tears when I’m sad. But there also won’t be anyone lying to me on a daily basis, or facing the reality that I have a whole other life away from family which means I have spent every holiday "alone" at family gatherings. No worries that his rage will provoke another physical altercation, that he will again hurl obscenities and hurtful words at me, or that my Dad will come to my house and find that in spite of what has transpired before, I am still with this living time bomb. And then maybe there will be someone new someday. Someone who likes himself, knows what he needs, and wants to share himself with me. One day, years from now, I long to say to my children "Listen to your daddy, he's a good man", and really mean it. I could never have that with Shawn.

Last night I saw Elizabeth, which is one of my favorite movies. I was anxious about watching it because I had last seen it when I was single, when this movie was so up my alley. One who is willing to sacrifice love because of the pain it brings, and the fear of love being your undoing. I “made” myself watch it last night because I wondered how I would view this through the eyes of a woman who has been in a relationship for almost 5 years. I still believe she acted nobly to forgo that which she knew would bring her joy but would also bring her pain. She married a higher ideal, which would not abandon or betray her. Either this is scary or reassuring, I can’t decide which.