Yucktard

Lucky day! I’m off for the Christmas break, my most boring friends have crawled back into the hole from whence they came, and my good buds seem to have surrounded me. Good times! Although I am still riding that fence w/My Favorite Mistake, things seem to be looking up for now, and so I’ll suck the enjoyment out of every happy molecule I’m fortunate enough to be exposed to b/c dammit, it’s Christmas!

I can hardly belive some head shrinker wants to prescribe meds for me. I really do not like that lady, and I need to stop shelling out money to see her. The psychologist, on the other hand, is a really nice woman who really listens and tries to make sense out of the logic I’ve constructed around myself. Not that there are happy little clouds and fluffy bunnies scampering about, but my issues about guilt, why I’m nowhere near up to my potential, and still sitting in Seguin waiting for my life to start. In that way I feel a lot like that movie “Girl Interrupted”, sans the episodes she has where it’s hard to tell if shit is really going on, or just going on in her head. I WISH I had that talent. But really, I just spend so much time barreling through the hours, days, months, and now years of life that I feel like I haven’t cultivated anything to be proud of. It’s like when Enoch saw my calendar with each previous day crossed out and he asked me what I was counting down to. At the time I shrugged my shoulders, but decades later I wonder…what I am counting each day towards? My grandma to pass? For things to get easier? For the perfect job to fall into my lap? For someone to toss me a schedule for classes so that I can start grad school? Why am I so proactive in blaming myself for stagnating but not at all interested in getting shit done? What am I afraid of? And so the notion that the shrink has knowledge of any pills that are going to give me those answers is just laughable. Well, I guess speed or heroin would give me a cause for a while, but I’d need more disposable income to get a really good habit going.

No, while I believe that drugs help many people each day, I do not believe that there is anything wrong with me. I just want to start focusing on the shit that's right with me and go from there.