Darwin

Why do I feel guilty for eating fruit that has not yet been washed? I’m trying to enjoy some grapes (the nice, fat, juicy kind with seeds that my mom would never buy) and secretly congratulating myself on choosing a “healthy” snack (it’s either this or cinnamon Pop Tarts), when I suddenly realize that they haven’t been washed. Yet having the water run over them for 20-30 seconds (OK, maybe it was more like 7-10 seconds) just left me feeling foolish.

Per the food handlers class I have had the privilege of taking years ago during my stint in the fast food sector, I learned that anyone who places their hands under a running faucet in an attempt to fulfill the obligatory “all employees must wash hands” sign is just wetting down the germs already on their hands. So does it not stand to reason that I too am merely lubricating said pesticides so that they can more easily be absorbed and metastasized in my body? Fuck it, says I. Survival of the Fittest. (pseudo Punk Rock moment number 451)

Ahhhhhh-Freak OUT!

Holy shit, it’s over, holy shit, it’s over, holy shit, it’s over holy shit…..

It’s like the first time you went to the beach (and if you weren’t some spoiled piece of shit), you’ll remember that even if you were facing the sandy shore of a river, lake, or the sea that when that first wave of water hit you as you ventured forth under the deep blue sky littered with clouds, that your heart and lungs froze on the spot and your whole world opened up, and the fear of the water ahead combined with the exhilaration of this newly-found sensation was the beginning of awesome possibilitites and just as much fear.

And the bitch writing the words you are reminiscing to is a sad woman who wants what she wants and knows that unless she can find a man to “tame” her, she will go on breaking the spirits of those who try. Oh, and she’s trite.