Maybe She's Born With It, Maybe it's Fingerhut

Y’know, these past few weeks have been tough w/out my ex, and although I’ve started to spend 96% of my time away from work in solitude, I have found myself laughing more than I have in months, maybe even years. Sure, there are times when I think “wait’ll I tell Shawn about this” and then it dawns on me that it’s no longer an option, but I’m mostly just enjoying the time rediscovering myself. Things that make me laugh or cry. Now that my emotional well being is not centered around this “rogue pilot”, I’ve just got a better sense of self and what I need. That and I’ve been doing catalog shopping, and if THAT doesn't soothe a body's soul, I don't know what will.

Boring But Necessary

I escaped Valentines Day relative unscathed, though I will admit to attending a few pity parties which sporadically cropped up throughout the day. Shawn did text me saying that he was thinking about me even though we aren’t together (pity party #1), so a whole array of emotions swept over me. I betrayed myself by texting him back that night, but I just thanked him for the note and said I felt the same way, y no mas.

I don’t know why I’m always thinking whether or not he’s left me for someone else. There is a 90% chance that he has, but since it doesn’t really change the bottom line for me, I just wish that nagging thought would go away altogether. It’s this weird “chick” thing in me that just NEEDS to know WHY (like that matters-you’re dumped, chump so deal!) and what’s going on now (You = your life, Him= his life, and ne’er the twixt shall meet. Learn it, know it, own it) Still and all I will allow myself the following:

Reasons I think he left me for someone else:
1. The cell phone bills which show you how often he was calling that chick (DUH!!)
2. He’s never just been by himself, ever since his first girlfriend at the age of 13. When you met him he had been unattached for 7 months, but only b/c his ex was cheating on him and went AWOL. He knew she was cheating, but he still didn’t leave her, she finally just disappeared.
3. He doesn’t feel comfortable on his own, and never has

Reasons I think he left for himself:
1. He saw how unhappy Brian was with his wife and kid, and that scared him b/c he felt like I placed similar demands on him.
2. He was tired of fighting
3. He felt like nothing was going to be good enough to satisfy me
4. He thought I was trying to control him b/c I didn’t like his “friends”

In my defense I will say that Brian had a 2 month-old kid, so when his wife said “No, I don’t want you to be gone all day at work, then go to so-and-so’s house to play Tiger Woods on their X-box until 3am”, I think she had a point. She worked full-time too, so Brian really did need to share more responsibility. Brian and Shawn are both too selfish to understand that.

The reasons I did not want Shawn to go out with his friends was because they all blame their girlfriends for their crappy lives. They really felt that if they were “single” again, they would be happier. Maybe they’re right, but I saw what that kind of influence on him did. It only took 2 months for his demeanor to change, and it wasn’t for the better. This was the beginning of the end for us. (One of many beginnings to many ends)

I was also tired of fighting, but if you’re going to lie to me, then you basically signed up for that shit, so yeah, you have to take it. My father always says, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you can choose to do want you want, but you MUST take responsibility for the consequences caused by your actions or inaction” I believe that, so if I had been treated with the care I was giving you, we would not have fought as much.
He was probably right. We’re just from two totally different worlds. An example: his way of saying “pardon me”, was “Watch out”. Besides, all that shit he pulled early in the relationship made it impossible for my family and friends to like him, so there was no way to get back from that.

Shawn’s “best” friend used cocaine, cheated on his girlfriend, lives with his mom, and was planning on using his girlfriend so that he could go back to Houston and have her support him. We’re not talking run-of-mill jerk-ass (cheating on his gf), we’re talking slimeball (and using her for money). And he would encourage Shawn to lie to me. Saying you’re going to dollar margarita night down the street, then driving 40 miles to a titty bar is just wrong, and any “friend” who is trying to convince you to do this is just an asshole. Plus, Shawn never needed any help in that department; he lied often, and of his own volition.

What I need to glean from rehashing all of this is that I really don’t like what I turned into. When Shawn and I first met I was always encouraging him to go out with his friends, so that he could retain his identity. He was too possessive, at the time, so when I wanted to exercise or go out w/my friends he would get very upset. (That should have been a major clue for any woman with half a brain to run to the hills) Instead of showing him how a healthy relationship works (which I was too green therefore incapable of doing), I let him drag me into this defeating and negative way of life that I am not only ashamed of on a base level, but mostly upset at where I let that mentality lead my life. A 4 year rut where I lost the trust of my family and myself.

I try not to beat myself up about it because I was so naive, and many of the decisions I made early on were the best decisions I could have made at that time. We only knew each other for about 5-6 weeks before I left for Vermont to work at a summer camp. Since I would not break the contract I signed, he decided to come try to live and work there for the summer in Vermont. That whole debacle cost me about $1,200 in credit card bills (do you let some guy who just followed you across the country starve and fend for himself? I blame Hollywood), so when I got home I had to get two jobs, and Shawn helped me pay it back. In hindsight I should have just taken the loss and headed for the fucking hills, but that did not happen, so the horrors and joys that awaited me during the course of the next 4 years were already mapped out. Well, maybe not FOUR YEARS, but he truly was my best friend and the closest I've ever gotten to a man, so my heart took over and my brain went on a permanent vacation.

When I’m ready to date again I’m going to be as sure as I can possibly be that I find someone compatible. I don’t want to beat someone up (figuratively) for not being who I need them to be. I just want to find someone who likes who he is and fits with who I am. Just like 90% of the hetero-female population. Great-this should be a piece of cake!

Is it 5 o'clock YET?

Things I’ll never do in a relationship again:

1. Give him a hard time when he masturbates w/out me (pun intended)
2. Fighting about porn (it was never about the porn, it was always about him LYING about the porn)
3. Sacrifice all the things I like to do in order to please him
4. Go out on a limb financially for someone else
5. Date a narcissistic guy who also has low self esteem
6. Attend an ICP concert (For those blessedly ignorant of the acronym, it stands for Insane Clown Posse)

Love in the Time of Technologia

Last night was a bad one. I went to play bunco (bonco/boko) with some women who work with my cousin, and while I did have a good time it left me feeling really empty. It was talking to all of those women, most of whom were married and had children, and it just seemed like while I am only a little younger in terms of years, I am a whole world away from being married and a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning into one of those crazy ladies who things marriage is the answer to all problems, or that it will somehow validate my existence as a woman or anything, it was just the companionship aspect; most all of those women were going home to their families and I was going home to an empty house. It was compounded by the fact that Rootie was staying at my Grandma’s, so this was the first night, that I can remember, I’ve spent in my house completely by myself.

I don’t have a problem with being alone, and by that I mean just hanging out and busying myself when there is no one around to interact with. Actually, there are times when I prefer to be alone. I don’t even mind going to the movies or even out to dinner by myself, as I have been single for more than 6 times longer than I have been in a couple. I guess it was just the reintroduction into this life was what triggered last night’s pity party.

For me, nights are always more difficult when missing someone, and that is proven again as today I have caught up on the items I have been recording on my DVR, and handled a tax question for my uncle over the phone, which negated the need for me to go to his house to complete said taxes. This has put me in very high spirits; I even whooped again! Things are looking better (today).

In other news, I had a moment of weakness where I actually filled out the free E-Harmony online compatibility survey. Yes, I know, but at the time I felt I really did need to feel that sense of opportunity that I have been afforded by Shawn leaving. I mean, there are many things I can name offhand, but the sudden absence of the person you have been taking care of and sharing your life with for the past 4+ years does not go completely unmarked by some sense of loss. So, I did the survey (which takes about 30 minutes, mind you) and I’ve received some matches. Now I’m feeling torn because while I am nowhere near available for a relationship, and I know this, so it would be really unfair to myself and others to pretend that I’m ready to date and take someone seriously as a prospective partner. But then two other emotions come in to play: curiosity and compassion.

The curiosity is self explanatory; not only do I want to know what kind of guys (read: caliber) my profile has hauled in, but it would be nice to have some guy friends again. I have not had a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex since college, and I really miss that, yet it seems decidedly self-serving as I doubt these men have shelled out hundreds of dollars to find a platonic friend. This leads me to the compassionate component of all of this: It really bothers me to think that men, who have read my profile and seen my picture, may be thinking that I am just plain not interested in them. That well may be the case for most of them, but the way that it’s set up is that these men are ready for “open communication”, the next step, and all they know is that I’m not biting, or even giving them the courtesy of giving them a reason for not answering. Well, why don’t you just tell them the truth, you ask? That would cost me a minimum of 60 bucks for one month of communication. Uh-huh. I don’t feel THAT bad for those guys.

In addition to how my heart is reacting to this, is it's nemesis, my brain. I don’t know if I trust these kinds of websites. I recently read that some of these services have employees make up fake profiles for people that don’t even really exist, but it keeps members busy with communicating and thinking that there are folks out there who are compatible and interested. This immediately came to mind when my first “suitor” came about 24 hours after having completed my profile, and some gentleman named “Brad” is allegedly interested in getting to know me. Oh- just the first name of a celebrity most lauded for sexual appeal, that’s all. Coindidence? Maybe not. And I’ll tell you, for someone as curious as myself, it took a lot to talk myself out of sending in that sixty bucks. But if you really think about it, people say “there is someone out there for everyone”, but those same people know at least one total asshole that has little to no redeeming qualities whatsoever, who should not put anyone to the task of being their life partner. What about those single guys/girls with expendable income? Don’t they have to get their money’s worth? How does e-Harmony handle those guys?

Second is an observation that I’m actually quite proud of. All of matches, so far, have been from Austin. Being from a small Texas town that is near major cities and a college town, this is reassuring and a bit of a bummer at the same time. Taking the 3 larger towns nearest to me you’ve got San Marcos, San Antonio, and Austin, in that order. As with all towns, they all have their own predominant culture, and I’m actually bolstered by the idea that I’m found to be compatible with men from a more worldly, liberal, and progressive town. The downside is that meeting my “soulmate” in a town approximately 40 minutes away isn’t cool. It would be better if that guy lived down the street, y’know?

Lastly is the fact that I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t pimp myself out on the web until I was at least 35. And I don’t want to make it sound like there’s anything wrong with web-dating, but I guess that my ideal love match would be more organic and less contrived than answering 300 questions and having a computer spit out who your true love might be. I’ll be sure to remind myself of this when I’m ready to go back on the market at some sweaty nightclub in San Antonio. I’m sure I’ll be cursing Hollywood for all the b.s. about love and romance that has filled my head over the years, and praying that my little robot matches haven’t found some other chick with whom to be compatible.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Lesson 1:
When bad things happen, it really hurts to not be able to talk to your mate, or your former mate, as it were. This break-up stuff is really new to me, being that Shawn was my first real boyfriend (I don’t know that the 4 month long-distance thing really counts as a relationship, but if it does it certainly pales next to the 41/2 years I spent with Shawn).

Well, I guess it’s just you and me diary...

Today at work I got another healthy dose of working with a gaggle of women, and it sucked. I work for the state. I try to help people (customers) and also make sure that all the help they receive is within the confines of state and federal regulations. Working for the state is not a difficult job and it's hard to get canned, so being here for the past 4 years has not been challenging, but it (barely) pays the mortgage.

The worst part of this job is dealing with the lifers who cannot put what we do into perspective. I’m not saying a monkey could do what we do, but a monkey would certainly not get their granny panties in a wad over the stupid shit that people think is important around here.
Case in Point: Someone just got a monetary award. Yeah for them! Only, they have already taken out a loan for the maximum that they can receive. Well, when the monetary award is added, this person has received OVER the maximum they can receive. It is incumbent upon me, on behalf of my office, to contact this person and let them know that while they cannot receive the award outright, it will be going towards repaying a portion of the loan they had received. Great! Everyone’s happy! We are within regulations! The person has a portion of their loan repaid, which they will not owe back plus interest at a later date! All is right with the world!!!! Or so Hans Christian Anderson would have us believe.

It takes 6 people a better part of a whole workday (about 6 hrs) to assess that the student CAN receive the monetary award. And why, you ask, would we make it a practice to bend rules so that people can get more than maximum they can receive? Because some folks 'round these parts have the power to say so, and when one of the witches from the coven wants to assert themselves, they must band together and frighten the peasants with e-mails sent far and wide. To publicly castigate the peons is to show the world who is the boss of whom, and that makes some people feel great about themselves and forget about their pathetic, inferior little lives. Nazis, Skinheads, and most of the executives in the state office I work for; we must pray little children. Pray for their shriveled little souls. (While you all are doing that, I think I’ll go flatten their tires, then check out the classifieds.)

The Friction in Your Jeans

Have you ever been so horny that the smallest intimation of contact from the opposite sex makes your toes curl? Listening to messages on my machine and one (very) young and unsuspecting gentleman is inquiring after the status of his file, while I’m concentrating to the point of fainting on his gravelly and deep voice, imagining his soft brown eyes and his broad chest and large arms with just enough muscle and pudge to make up the sweet, strong softness that I crave. And I blink twice, realize this kid is just that, a KID, and anyone who had access to these seductive thoughts swirling around my head would surely call it in to the feds. (Please do not do this- he is 22 thus this excerpt is exaggeration at its finest, and not against any federal or state regulations)

Sigh…it sucks being a woman with a conscience. Although I’m single, I can’t do the random sex thing. I guess the nuns did an excellent job of instilling me with the right amount of guilt and self-loathing, or my mental faculties lend themselves to brainwashing. In either case, I do not want random encounters, which makes for lustful interludes as described above. I’m speaking of the interludes which happen entirely in my head. Sigh…