Boring But Necessary

I escaped Valentines Day relative unscathed, though I will admit to attending a few pity parties which sporadically cropped up throughout the day. Shawn did text me saying that he was thinking about me even though we aren’t together (pity party #1), so a whole array of emotions swept over me. I betrayed myself by texting him back that night, but I just thanked him for the note and said I felt the same way, y no mas.

I don’t know why I’m always thinking whether or not he’s left me for someone else. There is a 90% chance that he has, but since it doesn’t really change the bottom line for me, I just wish that nagging thought would go away altogether. It’s this weird “chick” thing in me that just NEEDS to know WHY (like that matters-you’re dumped, chump so deal!) and what’s going on now (You = your life, Him= his life, and ne’er the twixt shall meet. Learn it, know it, own it) Still and all I will allow myself the following:

Reasons I think he left me for someone else:
1. The cell phone bills which show you how often he was calling that chick (DUH!!)
2. He’s never just been by himself, ever since his first girlfriend at the age of 13. When you met him he had been unattached for 7 months, but only b/c his ex was cheating on him and went AWOL. He knew she was cheating, but he still didn’t leave her, she finally just disappeared.
3. He doesn’t feel comfortable on his own, and never has

Reasons I think he left for himself:
1. He saw how unhappy Brian was with his wife and kid, and that scared him b/c he felt like I placed similar demands on him.
2. He was tired of fighting
3. He felt like nothing was going to be good enough to satisfy me
4. He thought I was trying to control him b/c I didn’t like his “friends”

In my defense I will say that Brian had a 2 month-old kid, so when his wife said “No, I don’t want you to be gone all day at work, then go to so-and-so’s house to play Tiger Woods on their X-box until 3am”, I think she had a point. She worked full-time too, so Brian really did need to share more responsibility. Brian and Shawn are both too selfish to understand that.

The reasons I did not want Shawn to go out with his friends was because they all blame their girlfriends for their crappy lives. They really felt that if they were “single” again, they would be happier. Maybe they’re right, but I saw what that kind of influence on him did. It only took 2 months for his demeanor to change, and it wasn’t for the better. This was the beginning of the end for us. (One of many beginnings to many ends)

I was also tired of fighting, but if you’re going to lie to me, then you basically signed up for that shit, so yeah, you have to take it. My father always says, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you can choose to do want you want, but you MUST take responsibility for the consequences caused by your actions or inaction” I believe that, so if I had been treated with the care I was giving you, we would not have fought as much.
He was probably right. We’re just from two totally different worlds. An example: his way of saying “pardon me”, was “Watch out”. Besides, all that shit he pulled early in the relationship made it impossible for my family and friends to like him, so there was no way to get back from that.

Shawn’s “best” friend used cocaine, cheated on his girlfriend, lives with his mom, and was planning on using his girlfriend so that he could go back to Houston and have her support him. We’re not talking run-of-mill jerk-ass (cheating on his gf), we’re talking slimeball (and using her for money). And he would encourage Shawn to lie to me. Saying you’re going to dollar margarita night down the street, then driving 40 miles to a titty bar is just wrong, and any “friend” who is trying to convince you to do this is just an asshole. Plus, Shawn never needed any help in that department; he lied often, and of his own volition.

What I need to glean from rehashing all of this is that I really don’t like what I turned into. When Shawn and I first met I was always encouraging him to go out with his friends, so that he could retain his identity. He was too possessive, at the time, so when I wanted to exercise or go out w/my friends he would get very upset. (That should have been a major clue for any woman with half a brain to run to the hills) Instead of showing him how a healthy relationship works (which I was too green therefore incapable of doing), I let him drag me into this defeating and negative way of life that I am not only ashamed of on a base level, but mostly upset at where I let that mentality lead my life. A 4 year rut where I lost the trust of my family and myself.

I try not to beat myself up about it because I was so naive, and many of the decisions I made early on were the best decisions I could have made at that time. We only knew each other for about 5-6 weeks before I left for Vermont to work at a summer camp. Since I would not break the contract I signed, he decided to come try to live and work there for the summer in Vermont. That whole debacle cost me about $1,200 in credit card bills (do you let some guy who just followed you across the country starve and fend for himself? I blame Hollywood), so when I got home I had to get two jobs, and Shawn helped me pay it back. In hindsight I should have just taken the loss and headed for the fucking hills, but that did not happen, so the horrors and joys that awaited me during the course of the next 4 years were already mapped out. Well, maybe not FOUR YEARS, but he truly was my best friend and the closest I've ever gotten to a man, so my heart took over and my brain went on a permanent vacation.

When I’m ready to date again I’m going to be as sure as I can possibly be that I find someone compatible. I don’t want to beat someone up (figuratively) for not being who I need them to be. I just want to find someone who likes who he is and fits with who I am. Just like 90% of the hetero-female population. Great-this should be a piece of cake!