Love in the Time of Technologia

Last night was a bad one. I went to play bunco (bonco/boko) with some women who work with my cousin, and while I did have a good time it left me feeling really empty. It was talking to all of those women, most of whom were married and had children, and it just seemed like while I am only a little younger in terms of years, I am a whole world away from being married and a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning into one of those crazy ladies who things marriage is the answer to all problems, or that it will somehow validate my existence as a woman or anything, it was just the companionship aspect; most all of those women were going home to their families and I was going home to an empty house. It was compounded by the fact that Rootie was staying at my Grandma’s, so this was the first night, that I can remember, I’ve spent in my house completely by myself.

I don’t have a problem with being alone, and by that I mean just hanging out and busying myself when there is no one around to interact with. Actually, there are times when I prefer to be alone. I don’t even mind going to the movies or even out to dinner by myself, as I have been single for more than 6 times longer than I have been in a couple. I guess it was just the reintroduction into this life was what triggered last night’s pity party.

For me, nights are always more difficult when missing someone, and that is proven again as today I have caught up on the items I have been recording on my DVR, and handled a tax question for my uncle over the phone, which negated the need for me to go to his house to complete said taxes. This has put me in very high spirits; I even whooped again! Things are looking better (today).

In other news, I had a moment of weakness where I actually filled out the free E-Harmony online compatibility survey. Yes, I know, but at the time I felt I really did need to feel that sense of opportunity that I have been afforded by Shawn leaving. I mean, there are many things I can name offhand, but the sudden absence of the person you have been taking care of and sharing your life with for the past 4+ years does not go completely unmarked by some sense of loss. So, I did the survey (which takes about 30 minutes, mind you) and I’ve received some matches. Now I’m feeling torn because while I am nowhere near available for a relationship, and I know this, so it would be really unfair to myself and others to pretend that I’m ready to date and take someone seriously as a prospective partner. But then two other emotions come in to play: curiosity and compassion.

The curiosity is self explanatory; not only do I want to know what kind of guys (read: caliber) my profile has hauled in, but it would be nice to have some guy friends again. I have not had a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex since college, and I really miss that, yet it seems decidedly self-serving as I doubt these men have shelled out hundreds of dollars to find a platonic friend. This leads me to the compassionate component of all of this: It really bothers me to think that men, who have read my profile and seen my picture, may be thinking that I am just plain not interested in them. That well may be the case for most of them, but the way that it’s set up is that these men are ready for “open communication”, the next step, and all they know is that I’m not biting, or even giving them the courtesy of giving them a reason for not answering. Well, why don’t you just tell them the truth, you ask? That would cost me a minimum of 60 bucks for one month of communication. Uh-huh. I don’t feel THAT bad for those guys.

In addition to how my heart is reacting to this, is it's nemesis, my brain. I don’t know if I trust these kinds of websites. I recently read that some of these services have employees make up fake profiles for people that don’t even really exist, but it keeps members busy with communicating and thinking that there are folks out there who are compatible and interested. This immediately came to mind when my first “suitor” came about 24 hours after having completed my profile, and some gentleman named “Brad” is allegedly interested in getting to know me. Oh- just the first name of a celebrity most lauded for sexual appeal, that’s all. Coindidence? Maybe not. And I’ll tell you, for someone as curious as myself, it took a lot to talk myself out of sending in that sixty bucks. But if you really think about it, people say “there is someone out there for everyone”, but those same people know at least one total asshole that has little to no redeeming qualities whatsoever, who should not put anyone to the task of being their life partner. What about those single guys/girls with expendable income? Don’t they have to get their money’s worth? How does e-Harmony handle those guys?

Second is an observation that I’m actually quite proud of. All of matches, so far, have been from Austin. Being from a small Texas town that is near major cities and a college town, this is reassuring and a bit of a bummer at the same time. Taking the 3 larger towns nearest to me you’ve got San Marcos, San Antonio, and Austin, in that order. As with all towns, they all have their own predominant culture, and I’m actually bolstered by the idea that I’m found to be compatible with men from a more worldly, liberal, and progressive town. The downside is that meeting my “soulmate” in a town approximately 40 minutes away isn’t cool. It would be better if that guy lived down the street, y’know?

Lastly is the fact that I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t pimp myself out on the web until I was at least 35. And I don’t want to make it sound like there’s anything wrong with web-dating, but I guess that my ideal love match would be more organic and less contrived than answering 300 questions and having a computer spit out who your true love might be. I’ll be sure to remind myself of this when I’m ready to go back on the market at some sweaty nightclub in San Antonio. I’m sure I’ll be cursing Hollywood for all the b.s. about love and romance that has filled my head over the years, and praying that my little robot matches haven’t found some other chick with whom to be compatible.