Blarney & Bullocks

I suddenly realized that I may be one of only a handful of women in the world who deals with my period by moping around my empty house and sporadically shouting “I’m BLEEDING!” with various inflections. Anyone else with me on this one? (Shrink said dosage was good for up to another 4 months, so up yours!)

I’ve decided to send a final peace daisy to my e-crush today a la Alanis Morisette in Thank You. I’m not down with the nude nylon suit or anything, but it’s basically the same “baring it all” feeling, just on the inside. Y’know, this is my personality and I’m so sick of trying to tailor it in order to affect some sort of means to a happy ending. I’m me, and clicking w/a guy is in the realm of possibility (so far “clicking with a guy” is hiding under a rock in the land of probability, but I’m sure one day it will once again rear it’s ugly head), and all attempts for me to orchestrate the actions and feelings of others are senseless. (OH, but if he could just give me that little chance, I could SO be his wonderwall!) I am such a loser.

Background: I was a bit ruffled when he called b/c both times he was on his way somewhere else, and that just felt weird. I mean, I hardly expected him to dress in a smoking jacket, start a fire, and tuck into an entire of night of poignant verbal exchange, but you gonna call me as you’re walking up to a restaurant to meet people for lunch? Hale NO! And then he kept doing this “I promise I’ll call you” bs which made me feel like I was all up in his shit trying to get him to call me. Waiting by the phone, wishing on every red cardinal that it would ring so that I could once again hear the tenor of his sweet, sweet voice. (OK, maybe one cardinal wish, but all the other shit is just not true) So I let him know that I didn’t want to set up this “expectation”; if he didn’t want to call b/c he wasn’t really interested in talking to me, he just needed to let me know.

And while it seemed perfectly logical to put out there, my guess is that he heard some kind of psycho-woman talk for “Guard your bunny rabbit ‘cause I’m a comin’ down the pike with a double boiler and I’m in the mood for some hasenpfeffer!”, because I haven’t heard from him since. One month of e-mails, this blip, and now nothing. Soooo, in my usual quest to completely shatter my own ego, (a bruised ego is like the equivalent of one lick of the nipple; after that I just have to go all the way) I’m going to send him a b-day card tomorrow. Well, I’m going to send it today but it will arrive tomorrow. I figure I have nothing to lose. I mean, he’s not talking to me now, so if I can squeeze a bit of closure out of all this I say we let it ride! (I didn’t say that I LIKE being pathetic, just that I am)

The Suckiest Day That Ever Sucked

Woke up, fell out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Shit. This morning I had a wonderful opportunity to sleep in b/c I’d taken half a day off due to my house alarm being installed. I ended up waking around 4:30am b/c of a dream I’d had which involved my aggie ring. Yes, the ring I worked for 4+ years to earn. The ring I have proudly worn for the past 9 years. The ring I suddenly realized I have not seen in over 4 months and haven’t a clue where it could be. Sigh…. Then the ADT guy comes. Seems nice enough, but since I’m currently in the middle of shred-a-palooza, I’m quite ashamed for him to see that 1/6th of my bedroom floor is covered in postal detritus, yet it was project for the day so I convinced myself that it didn’t matter. The downward looks from him said it all.

Around 10am my mom calls and tells me that Dieter’s cancer has returned and is now in his bones. He cannot travel b/c of the treatments he’s taking and while all I can think about is happy-go-lucky, beautiful Dieter is facing a cruel death that is going to waste him away to nothing just like my Papo, all my mom talks about is how glad she is that she resigned yesterday b/c now she can go visit him. ??? Either she’s in denial or her perspective has gone to shit.

I then got a brainstorm, and realized that since I had this time off I should text Shawn so that we could meet at the bank in order to separate the joint account. It just made me uncomfortable to know that his paycheck was still getting directly deposited into “our” savings b/c that meant that he had his hand in my cookie jar at least twice a month. I’ve had my tax check hidden in my house for 3 weeks b/c I just didn’t feel like it was any of his damn business, and all attempts I’ve made to get him to cease the direct deposits was met with excuses and lies (imagine that). By 11am I had no response, so I figured that he was holding onto that last bit of us. At 12:45 he replied that he had just woken up but we could meet there. Of course, I psych myself up and give myself pep talks all the way to the bank, and as soon as I see him I start to tear up and can hardly stand it. And there he stands with this shit-eating grin on his face. Fucker. I just wish he knew that I don’t miss him or feel bad that he’s gone, I’m just SO PISSED that he got everything he wanted out of me and I let him. That is what makes me cry; the indignation of knowing how badly I got fucked is so frustrating that I just lose it every time I really think about it. At least it’s over and done with, but it so was not fun.

Lastly, my e-crush did call yesterday while driving on his cell phone, which are two things I have specifically told him I don’t like (people calling me on their cell phone while driving somewhere). Of course I could barely hear him so I didn’t get many of his jokes (can’t laugh at shit you don’t hear), and he has not gotten in touch w/me all day. I didn’t think it went that badly but apparently some deal breaker was communicated, whether spoken or implied, so my one promising lead to finding a good guy friend (and maybe more) is up in smoke. I don’t know when I’ll learn. I mean, most of me says “You’re better off w/out a guy who is so quick to judge- if he don’t wanna know, just faget him”, but then this other part of me is like “Why do you manage to fuck up with every guy you meet? You didn’t even MEET this guy and he’s out the door!” But I don’t want to be one of those “what’s wrong w/me” whiny bitches b/c I know that the answer is that there is nothing wrong with me and someday I’ll find someone who gets me. Or not, whatever…

Oh, and I also learned that all of the “you deserve this and it’ll make you feel better” shopping (AKA Retail Therapy), I had been doing has effectively gotten me depressingly deep in debt. Yea!

So I’ll take a shower and try not to lose myself in sadness, or think about how losery I feel, or how deeply I am mired in debt and melancholy, all the while trying to ignore the angel on my right shoulder telling me that it’s all my fault anyway, and the angel on the left shoulder reminding me that I’m the only one who could change. (Both angels make me feel like shit, I dunno why).

"Like" Stinks Too!

Eeek! I just told my e-crush to call me!!! AHHH! What was I thinking?! What I was thinking is that this whole “good things come to those who wait”, and “I’m not asking for trouble” bs hasn’t really reaped any stellar candidates in the life partner department, so maybe it’s time to buck the system and see how things turn out. I mean, you’re still single and unattached, so it’s not like you’ve got anything to lose. It’s just such a foreign territory that I suddenly have this urge to go straight home and hide underneath my bed. AHHHH!

I just keep getting ahead of myself though. I mean, I don’t want to meet him until I am much smaller, and that’s going to take months. Sometimes I think “It’s not that bad, just meet him and if he’s that shallow then who cares”. Then I catch a side view of my fat ass and I know that while my eyes are used to seeing me this way, and while I can see past the flab to the thin(ner) woman inside, I’m still a rather large filly. I just don’t want to set myself up for anything negative, or him either! That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Well, que sera sera! Stay tuned….

Harmonious Matches and Other Ramblings

Wow, it’s already been a month since the last posting. The abbreviated version of the past month is as follows:
Amanda & Connie are 2 crazy white girls I’ve been ignoring b/c their drama is just that-THEIRS!
I’m rockin’ e-harmony AND match.com! (I’m such an idiot)
I’m getting a home alarm system (yeah!)
My pool is slowly but surely getting in shape.
They guy is trying to sell me a new pump-FUCK!

Now for specifics:
E-harmony has been a bit of a flop. It just seems to have guy on it that are so serious. My profile answers the question “What are you most thankful for?” with “I do not have hairy toes”. Hey, I think it’s funny! And yet, from the scores of PERFECT MATCHES who close communication based on how I present myself in the profile, it would seem that my brand of humor is not doing the trick. Maybe I should go with “I’m a caring woman who loves romance..blah blah blah” Whatever, I am and I do but if a guy feels threatened by humor and sarcasm then I’m thinking he’s not meant to be my life partner, no matter how may “match points” we share.

And this brings me to match.com, which I like better. It’s more relaxed and gives you an opportunity to view all prospects so that you can decide for yourself. Autonomy? This is so right up my alley. I do have a favorite, and we have been e-mailing a lot, but he suddenly stopped and I don’t know if it’s b/c of the Easter weekend thing or what. I’m disappointed b/c either he’s no longer interested/found someone better suited to his needs (sniffle, sniffle), or he’s insensitive for not throwing me a tiny “Hey, going out of town” e-mail so that I don’t have to sit and wonder on a Saturday night why he hasn’t responded in 2 days. I’m also trying to factor in my penchant for impatience.

I’ve been really honest w/ these guys in that I’ve told them all that I didn’t feel ready to meet anyone for a couple of months b/c of my weight. That front is going well, but of course it’s never quite fast enough. Anyway, I’m very proud of myself b/c my first inclination is to pepper someone w/e-mails, like a desperate “Are you mad? What’s wrong with me?” (No, I wouldn’t actually say that, but I’m sure it would be starkly implied), but I’m in a good head space where I’m telling myself that he knows how to get a hold of me and if he’s interested he’ll do so, and NOTHING I could say or do would hasten that process. Well, nothing that wouldn’t make me seem (and feel) like a total psycho. S’ok, I’m growing up and more mature, and that feels really good.

There are others, like Marc from match.com but I don’t know what kind of game he is running. He was in a marriage that lasted for years (no kids) but he claims that his ex was raped before they met so she had some major issues when it came to sex. He seems really nice and cool, but he too didn’t contact me for about a week, and the thing w/match.com is that it tells you when they are online, so there were a few days when he was online but never responded to my e-mail. I’m thinking he’s down for sowing some wild oats, which is cool-I’m not trying to be a hater, but I’m not going to made to feel like some kind of prude just because physical acts of intimacy need to have just that: a level of trust and intimacy that will make me feel safe enough to just go for it. And when I do feel that way I will ride that man’s cock, lick his nipples, and have him in as many positions as my limber legs will allow. No, I am not sexually repressed b/c I think that two committed, consenting adults should explore their fantasies to the hilt, but I’m also not just going to offer up my kitty to every Marc, Rick, and Travis..NOPE! You gotta earn this ride! Of course, I have gotten some really weird ones too. One guy’s opening line is “For starters, must be into aggressive sex” Does this mean you want to beat my ass, or that you want me to beat yours, b/c I can do the latter but you fuck w/me and you will get cut. Ha ha! Then this one guy wanted to date me and he’s 24! Yes, twenty-four years old! It took a while to shake him off (just being my ice queen, sarcastic, and bitchy self), but it was flattering nonetheless.

Speaking of jail bait, this kid works on the computers in our office, which is a very loose term. His mom and the director’s mom are good friends, so his skill level is at about a negative 90%. His sloping brow, wide jaw, and slumped shoulders always makes me think of the missing link. Oh, and the fact that he doesn’t like to open his mouth while he talks, so he sounds like an idiot 98% of the time he’s talking. All of this and yet there are some days when I see him and I think “holy shit, I could totally teach that guy how a real woman fucks a man” !!! I know! I’m a dirty old lady now-it’s totally official. I’m just chalking it up to the fact that I haven’t had sex in about 4 months now. Y’know, being chaste for 20 years, then another 4, wasn't nearly as difficult as what I'm going through now. I mean, now I KNOW what I'm missing out on, whereas before it was just this idea of what being in a committed relationship and having sex on a regular basisis was like. For the record: I liked it very much. It’s like Eddie Murphy said: you give a starving man a cracker and it’s the best damn cracker he’s ever tasted. Well, all I got on the table is some sweet n’low and the salt and pepper shakers, so a cracker would be HEAVEN! (Were it that I was free enough to take it.) It’s such a weird feeling to know that there are many places I could go to, pick up a guy and have sex. Wow…so strange. It doesn’t change anything, but it’s a freeing feeling. Like when you know you have plenty of ice cream so it’s like “ehhh, too easy”.

Oh, and the last thought for the night: Enoch is back! He alleges that he will try to come by my house on Sunday (Easter). That should be really fun, and I’m looking forward to it immensely. OK, my sleeping pills are kicking in-nighty ni--