The Suckiest Day That Ever Sucked

Woke up, fell out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Shit. This morning I had a wonderful opportunity to sleep in b/c I’d taken half a day off due to my house alarm being installed. I ended up waking around 4:30am b/c of a dream I’d had which involved my aggie ring. Yes, the ring I worked for 4+ years to earn. The ring I have proudly worn for the past 9 years. The ring I suddenly realized I have not seen in over 4 months and haven’t a clue where it could be. Sigh…. Then the ADT guy comes. Seems nice enough, but since I’m currently in the middle of shred-a-palooza, I’m quite ashamed for him to see that 1/6th of my bedroom floor is covered in postal detritus, yet it was project for the day so I convinced myself that it didn’t matter. The downward looks from him said it all.

Around 10am my mom calls and tells me that Dieter’s cancer has returned and is now in his bones. He cannot travel b/c of the treatments he’s taking and while all I can think about is happy-go-lucky, beautiful Dieter is facing a cruel death that is going to waste him away to nothing just like my Papo, all my mom talks about is how glad she is that she resigned yesterday b/c now she can go visit him. ??? Either she’s in denial or her perspective has gone to shit.

I then got a brainstorm, and realized that since I had this time off I should text Shawn so that we could meet at the bank in order to separate the joint account. It just made me uncomfortable to know that his paycheck was still getting directly deposited into “our” savings b/c that meant that he had his hand in my cookie jar at least twice a month. I’ve had my tax check hidden in my house for 3 weeks b/c I just didn’t feel like it was any of his damn business, and all attempts I’ve made to get him to cease the direct deposits was met with excuses and lies (imagine that). By 11am I had no response, so I figured that he was holding onto that last bit of us. At 12:45 he replied that he had just woken up but we could meet there. Of course, I psych myself up and give myself pep talks all the way to the bank, and as soon as I see him I start to tear up and can hardly stand it. And there he stands with this shit-eating grin on his face. Fucker. I just wish he knew that I don’t miss him or feel bad that he’s gone, I’m just SO PISSED that he got everything he wanted out of me and I let him. That is what makes me cry; the indignation of knowing how badly I got fucked is so frustrating that I just lose it every time I really think about it. At least it’s over and done with, but it so was not fun.

Lastly, my e-crush did call yesterday while driving on his cell phone, which are two things I have specifically told him I don’t like (people calling me on their cell phone while driving somewhere). Of course I could barely hear him so I didn’t get many of his jokes (can’t laugh at shit you don’t hear), and he has not gotten in touch w/me all day. I didn’t think it went that badly but apparently some deal breaker was communicated, whether spoken or implied, so my one promising lead to finding a good guy friend (and maybe more) is up in smoke. I don’t know when I’ll learn. I mean, most of me says “You’re better off w/out a guy who is so quick to judge- if he don’t wanna know, just faget him”, but then this other part of me is like “Why do you manage to fuck up with every guy you meet? You didn’t even MEET this guy and he’s out the door!” But I don’t want to be one of those “what’s wrong w/me” whiny bitches b/c I know that the answer is that there is nothing wrong with me and someday I’ll find someone who gets me. Or not, whatever…

Oh, and I also learned that all of the “you deserve this and it’ll make you feel better” shopping (AKA Retail Therapy), I had been doing has effectively gotten me depressingly deep in debt. Yea!

So I’ll take a shower and try not to lose myself in sadness, or think about how losery I feel, or how deeply I am mired in debt and melancholy, all the while trying to ignore the angel on my right shoulder telling me that it’s all my fault anyway, and the angel on the left shoulder reminding me that I’m the only one who could change. (Both angels make me feel like shit, I dunno why).