Less Money, Fewer Problems?

Right about now I'm thinking that a two year old can of 99% fat free Ravioli from Chef Boyardee was not the best lunch option. Whats in that stuff anyway? How do you make it 99% leaner? Pack in more sawdust, I suspect. Sigh.... but I woke up late and am trying to save money, and calories, by not eating out. I hate being broke, or at least feeling like I can't spend money. Ever since the breakup, and subsequent separation of finances, I've felt like I can't peel off the bakshish. (Well, except for the major retail therapy I engaged in right after I learned my ex was porking his 19 yr. old coworker, but that was definitely justified.)

I need a new job. I enjoy what I do but I don't make enough money doing this, and it's starting to affect how I spend my time when I'm not working. On the weekends I want to strike out for SA, go to Borders and sip on overpriced coffee, just like every other American with the luxury of leisure time. I dont have any mouths to feed, or habits to appease, so there is really no need to act like a viejita trying to make her social security check stretch. Yet that's exactly what Im doing each month that I continue to work for the state. I'm so willful and assured in most all areas of my life, but when it comes to my career and men, I just kinda slap on blinders and do whats comfortable. I need to start taking some risks and acting on ideas that are not safe. I'm not talking selling Herbalife and taking men home from Tejano bars, but just getting my ass out there and mixing it up.

The main reason I took the state position was because I needed a freakin' job, but now that I have that job it only makes sense to try my hand in the private sector so that I can make sum o' dat MUNEY! J Some people need to work for the state, either for the benefits, or the job security, or just the fact that once you pass the 90 day trial period its practically impossible to get fired, but I dont have those kinds of concerns right now. And I'm tired of being a wuss and settling for what I've got, because its barely paying the bills, and mama needs a new pair of shoes!

And in boy news: I am stupidly developing a giddy crush for a STUDENT! I know, but I'm going on 7 chaste months now! I'm just lookin for some touch! Ha ha! No, of course not, but it is good to just chill and talk w/a guy. I've never quite understood why I enjoy the company of younger men. I've always attributed it to my own sophomoric sense of humor, but lately I've begun to wonder if its not also that I'm just more comfortable in general b/c the threat of developing a real relationship isnt looming in the background. Talking with single adult men, 30 and older, always puts this weird pressure on me, and I never feel that way with younger men. Of course, it wont be much longer now until 30 year old men will BE the younger men, so I need to get over this shit before I find myself in Elizabeth Taylor territory. That would just be creepy.

But yes, I did find myself nervously talking to a student on the phone and relaying my weekend plans. I've had my fair share of student crushes where I get sent flowers of appreciation (for doing my job), or lunch invitations ("Thanks for your help; let me take you out to lunch.", but those are usually really easy to keep in check b/c I've always been attached. In the last 3 months my interest has shifted from one of amusement to possibility, and that's NOT COOL! I'm not rockin' the 20 year olds, no way! I knew long ago that my window of opportunity for messing around with strapping young bucks was passed over for a higher ideal (allright, it was actually just me being chicken-shit, but still!), so I've come to terms with the fact that rubbing young, supple, taut flesh was just not in the cards as I played them. Oh but it gives me much satisfaction when I make him laugh! No harm in that, right? So I said no to his invite on Friday, and I'm square. And I feel kinda empty and foolish because.......?