I've been thinking lately that I haven't kissed many men. The reasons are varied and would expose too many of my neurosis, but I will say that I have had an borderline phobia of cold sores (Lets just cut the crap and call it by its name: ORAL HERPES), and in every movie I've ever seen when the guy/girl is closing in on that first kiss, and you sense that palpable energy where they are just about to make that turn from philia to eros, there is always one phrase my brain starts screaming: DONT DO IT! What you have now is beautiful, dont fuck it up by falling in love! Um...didn't I say I wasn't going to lay out my issues here? Anyway, here's the list (first names only, to protect their honor):
-Secilio-7 minutes in heaven. Very sloppy. Later found out he kissed every single girl at that party. I was in the 8th grade.
-Sammy-This too was a wet one. I didn't like him as much as he liked me, but yes, I have rocked the jungle fever
-Tamara's husband-This was my Red Dog night in college, which is one reason that I cannot remember this man's name. Also the reason I did not resume drinking until I turned 21. Yes, he was married, but they had an open relationship (the joke was that they had more appliances in their bedroom than in their kitchen), and honestly I was but a freshmen in college, new to drinking, and I did get taken advantage of in the sense that he should have known better b/c I was very wasted. But I can totally say that I've done the whole frantic, slammed up against a bathroom wall make-out! J
-DJ-Lost my virginity to him at the age of 20 b/c I no longer wanted the burden of carrying around that cherry. Sometimes I truly wonder how many phantoms of broken hymen are floating around Moore Hall. (Hey, that's a cool name for a band!) After that interlude I was celibate until the age of 25.
-Eric- A really good friend who taught me so many lessons, including how to show affection. Will always be my favorite, even though (and probably especially because), I treated him like shit because I could. One of the two men in the world (besides family) that I can honestly say I still love.
-Juan D- I don't actually remember this one, but I must have kissed him because I know that he was the first man I let touch it. He smelled his fingers afterwards and gave me some sort of compliment. The memory still creeps me out, and it was my first, and last, fingering. (Blecchhh!, Even that word is just nasty!)
-Tomas- Dated him for about 5 weeks when I was 22, and it was only at the age of 29 when I suddenly realized he never left his ex; I was his sancha, and thats why he just stopped calling. See, I'm like an inverted idiot savant! How I can be mentally sharp in most respects and outward appearances, yet completely moronic in relationships is just my burden to bear.
-Cody- This was the kiss. In another state, sitting in my pink bridesmaids dress, buzzing off Coors light, just having met him 5 hrs prior, dancing the night away, and getting kissed by the hotel pool. It was like the ending of pretty in pink, except this guy turned out to be no Jake Ryan. And thats all I have to say about the war in Vietnam.
-Shawn- My first real boyfriend. My first real sexual partner. My first real inclination that when it comes down to your head and heart, your head doesn't stand a chance. When I met him I thought he'd make a good 1st boyfriend, but he just wasn't "the one". 5 years later I find out he's banging a 19 old server at the Pizza Hut he manages. Did I mention I fell in love w/him b/c he was such a classy guy?
-Rich- Post break-up snogging w/some guy I met at a club. Hey, at the age of 30 it was about damn time I did some shit like that!
-Juan V- Match.com. Nice, intelligent, funny, cute, but somehow just not the guy for me. I still fantasize about his hands and his tummy though. They were practically perfect, and yes, I am one of those nutty women that goes wild about mens big, strong, sexy hands (Rowrrr!)
-Mario- Match.com. Got along famously on the phone. In person was a different story. This was a "meh-what-the-hell?" kiss. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping it might turn that frog into the prince I had been conversing with all along. First guy I've ever kissed with a moustache. Crossing my fingers that it will be my last.
And now I'm on hiatus. Kissing those last 3 within a 3 month span of time makes me realize that at this rate I'm just playing Russian roulette to the big O.H., as in OH, now I have to deal with huge crusty, scabby sores on my mouth for the rest of my life! Hells to the no, ya'll.
UPDATE!
-Carlos- Sergeant for a boot camp for juvenile delinquents. He was pretty nice, but I wasn't very physically attracted to him. He wore a fanny pack, a stop watch around his neck, and very tinted wrap-around sunglasses. I know, my fashion is hardly "vogue" but he was pretty bad!! Kiss was on V-day 07 after making him dinner & dessert, and giving him a small card. He was actually the best kisser that I can remember (not too wet, didn't try to suck my lips from my face), but there was no spark. Back to the old drawing board...
-Robert- All-around funny guy w/soft brown hair, softer brown eyes, and the softest lips ever. Met him in El Paso at the bar Cincinnati's. Nice smile, intelligent yet playful eyes, and...OMG, HE LOOKED ALOT LIKE JASON BATEMAN! HAHA!! And I thought I was losing my ice queen touch! Whew, mystery solved! ('Cause for Jason Bateman, and now Robert from El Paso, I am but putty for them to mold.) :-) Rowrrr!
-Eric, Part Two- I didn't start the kissing, but I most certainly reciprocated. I'm confused b/c my normal penchant for developing an instant 2 week crush on a guy I've kissed is interfering w/how I really feel about him. What I do know is that I wouldn't ever choose to lose him as a friend, so as long as that stays good, I'm good. Yes, I would like to know why he kissed me (even if the answer is as simple as "too much Shiner"), but he's been around and he'll be around b/c we're friends. That's the most important thing to me.
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