WTF!

Remember that part in PeeWee's Big Adventure when he gets his little daily fortune and says something like "Do not leave the house today"? I TOTALLY could have used that shit this morning! First, I wake up and feel like I've just stepped into a crime scene; crimson sheets are not a good look. You'd think that since I've been dealing with my period since the age of 12 that these kinds of things would have stopped being an issue. Yeah, you would think.... So I go to the bathroom all bleary-eyed and grossed out and promptly bang my elbow on the toilet paper dispenser. Good morning, Sunshine! I get into the shower, which is not factored into my normal morning chores, so I do start to run a little late, and while reenacting shots from the shower scene in the movie Psycho, I slip and almost lose my shit all together. I didn't "fall down, go boom", but I'd say that in the past 500 or so showers, I have slipped approximately ONE TIME, and that time was this morning.

I get ready, make coffee and realize that while I loaded up the dishwasher and stuck the soap tablet in last night, I neglected to TURN THE KNOB that makes the dishwasher actually clean dishes. I attempt to fish out a dirty coffee mug so that I can wash it, but discover the spaghetti sauce from the surrounding dishes has somehow coated the cup, and with the kind of morning I'm having I decide not to risk washing it by hand. After all, I am wearing white today. So I had to use a clean coffee mug that doesn't have a top to it. I used the 'spensive, sticky cellophane stuff to "seal" the top of the cup b/c I'm just resourceful like that.

Down the stairs I tromp, dog in tow, lunch and coffee in hand. I feed the cats outside, as I do every morning, but this morning the cat decided she wanted to COME INSIDE?!?!?!? The outdoor cat who has not been inside my home for more than 3 minutes in the past 3 years that I've lived there? I freak out and try to shut the door in front of her, half afraid I'm going to shut the door on her, and in the process I spill coffee on my white blouse. Yea Friday morning!
I drive to work, no major problems, get out of my car in the parking lot, lock the doors and swing it not quite shut. DAMMIT! I dig out my keys again, unlock the door, swing it really hard (take that, car!) which does shut the door, but also shakes the car enough to dump my cup of coffee, that I place on the roof of my car every morning while I'm getting out and situated, all over the windshield and hood of my car. With tiny splashes connecting again with my white blouse, of course. OH GOD, CAN I JUST GO BACK HOME AND GET BACK INTO BED NOW?! Oh yeah, I've got Freddy Krueger Bed back home to deal with, so I guess there's nothing left to do but go inside.

And so I do. I calmly sit at my desk, log into my computer, and proceed to collect my thoughts enough to WILL myself into positive headspace. Hey, I never wanted to be some coffee addict anyway, and who couldn't use more water in their diet, right? Half an hour later, I have to pee (from the water). As I am walking to the bathroom I see a nice young man standing away from the crowded lobby and close to the women's bathroom. I smile at him, nod, and my ankle winks,causing me to FALL DOWN on my hands and knees! I was lucid enough to not cry out "MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD!", but I do manage to say "Oh my goodness!" like an eighty-year-old lady named Hester. Of course, the gentleman asks if I'm OK, I laugh it off and assure him that he can laugh too. But I didn't tell any of those other tools in the crowded lobby that they could laugh!

SERENITY FUCKING NOW!!!! Sigh.... I will sit right here. I will not ingest a single solid or liquid for the rest of the day. I will not use the bathroom. I will not get up from this seat and continue to endanger myself any further. I will find the fucker who made that voodoo doll and make him/her pay. Oh yes, they will pay dearly. I will make it a point to find my sanity some other day because right now crazy is all that is keeping me here at work today.