Pity Party For One (WITH UPDATE!)

You've Been Warned...

I'm not proud of this AT ALL, mostly because I strive to have a good time while drinking, and NOT doing things that will have lasting aftereffects on my entire life, which is precisely why I am not a drunk dialer. I'll admit that it's been easy for me to stay away from the phone while inebriated b/c I would much prefer to actually be w/someone than make a call. Being that I am, however, quite comfortable writing to people, my newly formed affinity for texting is causing me problems "after hours". I've already confessed that I had imbibed a bit too much the other day and texted a friend of mine, which was thankfully mended by the Cingular gods b/c the messages were never sent and I was able to erase them in time.

THIS time I found myself trying to text…uh…aw crap. My Ex. I KNOW, I'M AN IDIOT! Sighhhh…. I think that opening my box 'o X-mas decorations unleashed all these memories that I've been trying to keep at bay. I found our stockings, some of our ornaments, his little snowy village….he really liked Christmas. Moreso than I, and that first Christmas together was such a joy. I remembered teaching him how to wrap a gift and curl ribbon, because he so wanted to wrap up my gifts nicely. I remembered that look of excitement when he unwrapped his Homer slippers, and his giddily skipping around the living room in order to show them off. And mostly, just the overall fact that I had finally found someone to share that holiday with; I remember how thankful I was to snuggle on the couch, basking in the white glow of the lights we had both strung onto our tree. So when I opened what basically amounted to a time capsule of Christmas, circa '05, I guess that just kinda seeped into my subconscious.

And I'm not relaying this in order to evoke sympathy, or as some Christmas tale with a moral at the end, though you totally need to squeeze your own schmoopie extra tight during this time of year (squeeze 'em if you got 'em!). The reason I'm basically rendering myself naked is that this event is relevant to my actions this past Sunday evening, where your fair heroine was attending an office Christmas party. It wasn't my work Christmas party, so yes, I may have been getting a bit more "sippy sippy" than, say an average Sunday evening. Or St. Patrick's Day. Or Superbowl event. Or kegger. Sighhhh, I'm stalling… At approximately 3am I texted the following to my ex: "Shawney, I'll always love you."

Sure, it's true, however much I hate to admit it, but a 3am text while inebriated is certainly not the way in which mature adults work through their lingering issues on relationships. I guess the worst part is that it's moot, which begs the question: what are you really trying to do? I guess I still want to know that he cares, which is pretty stupid. We went out for almost 5 years- of course he cares. Maybe I want to know that he's sorry. That his life is nowhere near as good as it was when I was in it. Then what? Will I feel satisfied? I know we can't be friends, it is too easy/comfortable to slip back into that role of loving someone and being needed. But if that's truly the case, why isn't it just enough to help myself? This may sound nonsensical, but I need me too! Getting drunk every 4 days isn't exactly "helping" my life move forward.

So what happened? I awoke, raced to work, and remembered to check my phone to see…..nada. He hadn't responded. Just a tiny sting, like getting a shot. The pain was over right about the time I recognized that it hurt. The morning went on and the embarrassment grew. Not really one of indignation or feeling exposed, more like a realization that it's time to let go. Make no mistake, I do not want my old life back, but I will admit that the casualties of situation are hard for me to bear. To have shared so much with someone and to try to just get rid of all of that. It's like trying to separate a Venn diagram; where do you put the crap you share? Yes, present tense! We share so many memories, movies, restaurants, inside jokes. Some days I just can't help but feel like the underachieving loser from the movie Magnolia who so starkly states : "I have so much love to give, I just don't know where to put it." And of course, you shove it down. You shrug your shoulders. You know everything worked out for the best, and you just change the radio and move on.

All of these things are swirling around my head as I suddenly remembered the reprieve I had been given the past weekend as I snatched the phone from my purse and checked the status of my text, which read "Sending in progress". I blinked. Couldn't believe it! I hastily deleted it. I had sent one more text in the wee hours of that morning, which was to my cousin to relay that I had gotten home safely. This message too was labeled "In progress". I e-mailed my cousin to verify that she had not received the text I had sent, and SHE HADN'T! (There may be something to this "Cingular gods" thing after all!) So there I was, in my office, relieved, horribly hung over, panting from the adrenaline of that near miss. For the first time I'm feeling a loss of something by being single, but I'm not suffocating at the thought of being in a bad relationship. I told myself Christmas was going to be tough. Oh well. Guess I'll change this CD and get ready for tomorrow.

UPDATE: MY EX TEXTED ME THE FOLLOWING ON MY B-DAY, DEC.16:
Happy 26th Birthday. I hope ur well.
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, HUH? YES, HE STILL CARES. NOW I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE TRYING MY HARDEST TO PRETEND HE NO LONGER EXISTS. :-)