Wash That Man Right Out of My Cervix

Mother of GOD! The date. Tattoo man? We’ve been dating since then, and I’m pretty sure I’m falling for this guy. Then the web hottie is also still calling me, and honestly, I’m at a crossroads with that whole deal. The attractive part about tatman is that he is so very very different from myself. He’s very easygoing, works w/his hands and doesn’t have set office hours, he pretty much does what he wants, when he wants. That’s a good thing in the sense that hanging out with him is a bit like hanging out on the benches was in college; that feeling that nothing is pressing on your time or requiring your responses. That, however, is not my reality, and that’s where web hottie kicks in b/c we are so much more alike in many different ways. It’s not just a comfort, it’s also more pragmatic to think that if I were considering a long term partner, I would want to seek out affection from the web hottie. Problem: web hottie lives in Houston which is roughly 2.5 hrs away while tatman is a 35 minute drive from my homestead. Soooo…..I just figure that as long as I’m happy and learning new things, I should just live my life in a manner that is safe and productive. All notions of putting all my cards face up on the table need to be squashed. I’m not in a relationship w/web hottie nor could I see myself doing so unless he were to move to Austin, which is supposedly a goal of his, but right now I’m just enjoying my life.

Fast fwd to December 24th: I am single again. My grandma always told me never to trust a man who brings you flowers on the first date, b/c they have big issues to hide. Why oh WHY didn't I take heed to that shit? Oh well. Bruised, battered, and one shot of penicillin later, I'm as good as gold. Sighhh.... Lessons in life are so much more palatable when you can read about them happening to others.

1. Want to get kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
In the snow. (Don’t like kisses mandated by plants)

2. Santa or Rudolph?
Rudolph

3. Stocking or presents?
PRESENTS!

4. Egg nog or hot cider?
ooooohhh…that’s a toughie. Today I’d say cider, but ask me later. I love me some egg nog.

5. Angel, or star on the tree?
Star.

6. Decorating the tree, or putting lights on the outside?
Tree.

7. Warm cozy fires, or sleigh rides?:
Sleigh rides! (You can get nice and cozy afterwards)

8. Expensive presents, or presents that come from the heart?
From the heart. I can buy my own presents.

9. Snow ball fight or snowman?
Awwwwwww!!!!! Can’t we do both?!

10.Coal, or presents?
Uh…what would I do w/a piece of coal? I can’t even draw. Besides, only bad kids get coal. (And for all these reasons and I few more, I'd like my presents now please.) ;-)

11. Open presents quick, or slow?
Quick quick quick! (What’s in there?!?!?)

12. Diamonds, or rubies?
Either is much appreciated, but diamonds go w/everything.

13. Caroling, or Christmas presents?
PRESENTS! (I can only sing in the shower and the car)

14. Snow days, or ice days?
Snow (Skating on ice is not cool when you're in a vehicle)

15. Red, or Green?
RED!

QUESTIONS:
1. Best Christmas present received?
Diamond earrings from my Dad.

2. What's the number one thing you want for Christmas?
If I tell you that then maybe it won’t come true.

3. If you were going out with someone, what would you want them to get you?
Their time and fidelity.

4. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
Nope.

5. Age you stopped believing in Santa Claus?
Probably around 7.

6. Do you send thank you notes?
Sometimes

7. Do you wake your parents up early to open your presents?
You’ve obviously never met my parents. HELL NO!

8. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song"

9. Have you ever had a white Christmas?
When I was younger and lived in Washington, and the one time we went to visit relatives in Michagan for Christmas.

10. Who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe?
The only person I've ever really enjoyed kissing, and he knows who he is.

Horrorscope for Saturday December 1st

"You're a wind buff, she's punk; he's sloppy, you're sporty. Normally you'd never consider dating someone so different, but today, you find this person absolutely mesmerizing -- likewise. What's one date? You have nothing to lose."

Got a date with the guy my friends refer to as "tattoo man" tomorrow. The cosmos are feeling a bit more optimistic than I am, mostly due to his teenage daughters (2) and his penchant for sending me dirty sophomoric texts. (I'd say I'll fill in the rest later, but I've been blogging each day for a month now and unlike Dooce, this isn't my day job.)

Give Me an OUNCE of REASON!

So I've got IPhone Fever and I've got it bad. I've had the same phone for two years now-a motorola 551-and I've been pining for a swanky phone for at least 4 years, but my good senses had reminded me how fast those items become obsolete, and how wasteful it is to spend money on such things, especially in light of the fact that I'm currently sacrificing my HOME and living in a freakin' DORM ROOM so that I can hasten the point of being debt-free. But my oh-my how I want one. I read alot about them today and though I know the technology will improve, I also know myself. There is no way in hell I would pay $500 for a phone, much less the initial pricetag of $600. Now that they're a leetle bit cheeper, I wonder if I would fare better by purchasing the first version and just upgrading, as I'm hoping Steve Jobs will allow for all those who shelled out the big bucks during the first go'round. OR, I may find myself one of the unlucky tech-mongers who ends up spending way too much money on the 3G phone, which is coming dear Lord, it just HAS TO!

Pant, pant, pant!

Nosey or Nice?

Weird day.... My friend Ed's mom apparently died over the Thanksgiving holiday, and one of our mutual friends called me today to let me know. So later on today I called Ed, but he never even told me that his mom was sick so I didn't really know how to approach the subject, y'know? And sooooo....I didn't. He didn't bring it up either. I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner tonight and he's going to call me back to see how he feels after his massage, but even if we don't have dinner we'll probably go to lunch this week and I just don't know what I should do. I'm kinda lying when I don't tell him that I know his mom has passed, but I don't want to get in his comfort zone when he hasn't offered up the info. ?????

Handsome Germs Are Still GERMS!

This afternoon one of my Casanova Juniors came into my office to ask me about his status. I’ve got a handful of these young studs who try to chat me up b/c they think that flirting w/the lady w/the power will help them out in some way. And for the most part they’re right, BUT I give ALLLLL students the line “You know where my office is, if you have any questions, feel free to come by.” Some choose to view that as an opportunity to get one-on-one counseling and others choose to think that with a little nudging, I’ll date/make out w/them. (As if; I'm too ethical for any of that "dating students" jazz) But this is one of those students. Anyway….he comes in and tells me he has a cold, blah blah, we’re talking about Thanksgiving, and he STILL has not fulfilled one of the requirements, so while I’m working on his file he calls his mom on his cell and HANDS ME THE PHONE! Even though he KNOWS he has a cold! What a tool!

I’m so scared that I’ll get sick this coming month b/c I have so much riding on my work performance in the next 5-6 weeks. I won’t be able to take any sick time off, which would REALLY suck b/c I’ve got 350 hrs of sick time just sitting there waiting to get absorbed by the state when I don’t use it. Stupid young Latin Lotharios. That’s it. Tonight my bedtime is 10:00 pm.

Delayed Reaction

I’m just about all blogged out, especially after today. But I never got a chance to gloat about the Aggie win this weekend!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Sunshine DAY!

Last Sunday of NABLPOMO, or in non-dork terms, posting every day. YEAH! This blog is getting too whiny and personal, even for me! Today I haven’t done much and am currently attempting to pamper myself as much as possible in preparation for the work week ahead. I’ve given myself a pedicure, a facial, and I’m now doing my nails. Ahhh…and drinking some Guinness to compliment this cold, dreary day. Hopefully when the week gets stressful, as I’m sure it will, I can hearken back to this day and remember that other days like this will be just around the bend. (Guinness is LOVELY, isn’t it?)

I Pity The Fool! (The Fool in the Mirror)

Wow. That was definitely top 5 worst date ever. First of all, there were a few things about him that I conveniently forgotten, such as his s l o w story-telling, and his agreeing to everything you say, which is normally an indication of understanding. This guy then plays himself out by relaying the same concept about 7-10 minutes AFTER you’ve already talked about it! It was like going out on a date with Forest Gump. Oh yeah, and I had thankfully dumped out of my memory a story he told me where he took it upon himself to teach his cousin a lesson b/c she wasn’t spending enough time taking care of her two dogs. So, he shot them. (!!!!!!!) If that wasn’t disturbing enough, after one of them was shot, the other tried to run away, and he proceeded to give me details about how he hunted it down. Of course I was giving him all sorts of verbal and non-verbal cues that the story was disturbing me, but he wouldn't stop. I finally had to tell him to STOP, looked him in the eye, and then had to say “I really do not want to hear about that story anymore because it upsets me.” To which he dutifully agreed, and went to the next topic like he had just been relaying the new colors in his redecorated bathroom.

This time around wasn’t much different. It took about 10 minutes for all this to come flooding back and realizing that I had made a HUGE mistake. So the meal goes forward, and it’s a mom & pop joint, so the bill came about 5 minutes after our meals were presented. At no point in time does he motion for the bill. Y’know, I’m not one of those chicks who goes out for an evening with my drivers license and five bucks in my purse; I always make sure that if I’m out, I have enough money to cover myself, but the very gesture is a sweet one. There’s a hint of generosity, and even some amount of chivalry when a guy takes care of you for an evening. This guy hasn’t come to that point of understanding. When we got up to leave, I had to take the check were I proceeded to ask the cashier to split the bill. I'm nice, but not so nice as to pay for this guy's meal when it was never even my idea to go out in the first place.

So the meal has taken an hour and half, and I’m ready to bounce, but he keeps wanting me to go to his house to watch a freakin’ movie! He had mentioned "his land" many many times, and how he needed to purchase some livestock so that he could get some tax break, so there was just no way in hell I was going to become a missing person’s statistic. When I jokingly told him this he said that he was talking about his “real” house, which was in a neighborhood in Luling. This made a little more sense because before then he had told me how everyone had met at his house for Thanksgiving, which was a pain for him b/c he had to clean his house from top to bottom beforehand.

It’s still pretty early in the day, so I did agree, but I made sure to take my own car and followed him to his house in Luling. When we got there I noticed a lot of cars in the driveway, which took me aback a bit. We’re walking up the path, he’s got this shit-eating grin on his face (yes...whatever, you won; I'm going to your house), and I ask him if he still lives with his parents, because he has made NO MENTION of this during any conversation that I’ve ever had with him, and has referred to “his place” many many MANY times. So I had to meet his mom and Dad, and then he ushered me into his room. Basically I’m a 31 year old woman who’s about to watch a movie in a guy’s room while his parents decorate the living for Christmas -flashbacks to being 16 years old ensue. A room, I might add, that only contains a king-sized bed and a TV snuggled into a corner. I don’t know where this fool keeps his clothes (that his mother washes for him, no doubt), but I had to open the door two times (he turned out the lights, put on the ceiling fan, then closed the door within seconds of me picking out a movie), made it a point to sit on the bed in the furthest spot from him, and was out of his room by the time the rolling credits hit the top of the screen.

That is IT!!!! Ice queen may have to come out of retirement because I’m just appalled at myself for having spent 6 hrs and about $30 on having a shitty time with a guy who hasn’t quite made it up the step on the evolutionary ladder where normal conversations are a part of his repertoire. I had come to a point where I started to feel like shit for being so mean to men, but at least I didn’t have to go through things like this! I’m having a beer to release the tension in my shoulders, and I’m taking this as a learning moment: NO MORE PITY DATES, EVER!!!

Trust is a Must

The time has arrived. I can no longer stave off seeing Sammy. I’ve ignored calls, texts, and given him more excuses than I’d like to admit, but today I’m meeting him for some Chinese in Seguin. I shouldn’t be so dramatic, it’s not like he’s a creep or a bigot or anything, just that it’s work to keep the conversation moving forward. And the fact that his most favorite answer is “Uhhhhhhhhhh, weeeeeeeeeelllllllll………. I dunno………” doesn’t really help either. Last time we went out he wore colored contacts (green to be exact), which is lame but not unforgivable. The kicker is that he only wore one. No joke! And it wasn’t some kind of homage to Marilyn Manson or anything, one was bothering him so he took it out. I am by no means a fashion maven, and though I am fortunate enough to not need contacts or other visual aids (yet), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if I were in a similar situation, I’d swallow my pride and defer to glasses. On the “lame-ass” scale of 1-10, wearing glasses doesn’t even register while wearing only one colored contact is at least a 7.

And in other news, I’ve decided that I need to stop being so hard on myself with this whole “once bitten, twice shy” thing I’ve got going on w/the web hottie. Trust (or mistrust) has been the central focus of allllllll the fears that have guided my largely celibate and singular existence up to this point. This is the part I need to come to terms with. I need to start taking risks, enjoy these freefalls, and put them into context of lessons I can learn about life and about myself, even if they don’t work out for me. And that's another thing, who's to say it won't work out for me? I mean, I’m not giving out my ATM PIN, or subsidizing any trips to Aruba w/strange men, I’m just making a commitment to being more open and available. (Not too available…if Sammy thinks he’s getting even to first base, he’s got another thing coming.) :-)

Day After Thanksgiving

....oup, oyster stuffing, and giblet gravy. :-) As you can tell, yesterday was quite a busy day. Thanksgiving was fun! A few games were played, I met a lot of people, got to see old faces again, ate some great food and had an all-around good time. I also got a chance to talk to my web hottie yesterday, though I'm still on the fence w/that one. We've been texting more, and I'm finding myself enjoying talking to him more and more. What I mean by "on the fence" is a bunch of unfounded suspicions I cultivated the other night. No more weirdness has ensued, and I'm just nervous that I'M the one w/the problem. At the moment we're not doing anything but talking and I may be so far out in left field w/my suspicions the other day that I'm hesitant to bring it up. We've been talking now for about 3 weeks. I'm thinking that accusing him of soliciting affections from women who would unknowingly commit adultery (if that's even possible), probably isn't the best way to start things. So for now I'm going to go forward and see how it plays out.

This afternoon I've done nothing, which has been nice. Sorry to see that LSU lost today, but I'm hoping A&M will pull out a win today. I haven't gotten much sleep in these past few days, not including the depressive state of affairs I've been juggling at work. I'm thinking I'll try my best to stay awake as long as I can so as not to wake up fully rested at 2am, and plan the rest of my weekend from there.

Happy Thanksgiving

Whew, I made it! Ok...gotta go now. :-) I'm actually in my office waiting for a coworker so that I can unload a shi tzu puppy for my cousin. Wait...what? YUP, I'm an idiot! Not b/c I'm lending a helping hand to others today, but because I've been cooking from 8pm until 11pm, then up again at 5:30 am until now. I've got a turkey, stuffing, baked potato s

P.S.A.

If you’ve had a shitty day at work and decide to drink 6 bottles of Tecate beer w/lime wedges, do NOT then eat a Tostinos canadian bacon pizza at 10:30pm. Just trust me on this one.

Thoughts are Flowing Like a Riiiiii-iiii-ver....

Drinking my dinner tonight. This week has just been such a roller coaster! First I’ve got this cool, new guy to talk to, and though I am a woman of 31 (and three-quarters), the 13 year old in me just leaps out and starts thinking what life would be like if this guy is really “the one”. I'm not naming nonexistent children or anything, but just shit like 'Wow, maybe we could go to the coast!" and "Where would we spend New Year's Eve?". Then he starts acting shady and I feel like such an IDIOT (once again) for having faith in strangers. Strike that-strange MEN who are holding themselves out to be interested in finding a serious relationship.

Then, it’s that time of year again when the IRS needs seasonal employees to help during the big tax push that is approaching. I go to the session and just having a good time all around. This may seem really strange (or pathetic), but this work orientation had me in such a good mood! It’s just that so many people get shy when they’re introduced to a room full of strangers, but I don’t. I’m not that dumbass who asks a bunch of questions and takes advantage of this ready-made captive audience, but I’m just good at putting people at ease by being my friendly self. And that made me feel so good. 20 minutes later I’m back at my crap job where I’ve been told to hire a temp, but am getting NO HELP as to how to do this (and it’s important not to haul off and make my own decisions, b/c you can bet that anything amiss will be taken out of my ass if I do it wrong), then the director’s secretary comes in and asks “Where is it on our website that you have to be admitted by the scholarship deadline?” and my response (at the end of this shitty day) is “Is it already time for those nutbags to come out?” [Do you think a large university is going to NOT cover their ass and post everywhere they can that in order to be considered for scholarships you must be admitted first, which is the SAME requirement made of EVERY large university in this state?] I was then told by the secretary who had walked into my office that she was wearing a headset, and that the person awaiting the answer (the nutbag) was listening. Can I make ONE decent decision?! \

And with this whole scholarship thing; this is a HIGHLY political process which is a very important tool for recruiting and getting our enrollment numbers up. How much training have I had? Not one planned meeting. Not ONE! I realize I’ve been in this office for the past 5 years, but I have not had a hand in this process in the past 2 years. The woman who previously held my position was scheduled to meet w/the Assoc. director every afternoon (4 hrs) for an ENTIRE WEEK. I’m not getting the benefit of any of that. And the really fucked up thing is that I can’t ask for the help b/c that will only cause me more problems. At present there’s this “Just ask for anything you need” kind of mentality. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS B/C YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? Guess we’ll all find out.

And so here I sit w/my 6 pack of Tecate (bought b/c I remembered I had a lime in the fridge w/no other earmarked purpose), munching on banana chips and considering what I should be packing for my short trip home tomorrow. Not so much in the clothes dept (I can pack for a week’s trip in about 20 minutes), but since I’m making the turkey at my Dad’s I have to make sure I remember all the groceries I bought. Can you imagine me having to brave the stores, THEN having to deal with enough celery to fell a small rabbit in the coming weeks? Happy thoughts…and another Tecate. I’ll be OK.

Add "Men" to the "SUX List"

Feeling icky. OK, so I’ve been talking w/the web hottie for a few days now, and I realize that with this kind of thing you’ve got to be really mindful of the fact that people can purport to being any number of things. You just have to take a leap of faith when accepting some stranger’s word on face value. Having said that, things started getting a little sketchy this past weekend. We checked out each other’s myspace pages and his has a completely different name on his myspace than the one I know him as. He said it was due to keeping his privacy, which I understand, but that’s why many people use web handles, like “Rrroja” or “MsCopperhead”, but most people don’t use actual names of other people to disguise themselves, y’know. I’m pretty sure that when someone sees my web name they’re not banking on the fact that it’s my true name, and I’m not really comfortable with someone who does misrepresent who they are in that way. Also, he asked me to be a contact for his Yahoo IM, and the same name that was on his myspace account shows up there too. Again, he assures me that I know his true given name. (But he has yet to give me his surname….)

Then yesterday I notice that he’s started calling me while he’s on his way to different places, which is a peeve of mine but it also gets me to thinking. Last night he said he was going to his friend’s house b/c he just always goes there Mondays to watch football. He gives me a call afterwards and when I ask the score he states that they didn’t actually watch the game b/c:
-His friend wanted to talk to him
-The “other” guys were rushing him out b/c they didn’t want them to watch it at their place.

????????????

I relayed that he already told me it was this standing Monday night tradition, and he starts trying to back-peddle his way out of it. That’s not the kicker: he’s driving home, he goes to a convenience store to buy a coke, he arrives home and sits in his car to talk to me, under the pretense of devoting his total attention to me, to make up for the convenience store thing (‘cause you know I said some shit when the call is breaking up the entire time, THEN he tells me to ‘hold on’ while he talks to the clerk as he’s making his purchase). Yes, things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

Lastly, I ask him if he texts much, b/c I know he IM’s (as relayed above) and he’s got Bluetooth and a Blackberry, so I figure I can text him a picture. He says that he hasn’t “set it up” to see pics yet, but I should e-mail the picture to him. This is huge to me. The reason I found out about my ex’s shenanigans was b/c of the phone bill, and not b/c I was snooping around but b/c there were SOOOO MANY TEXTS to that chick, at all hours of the day and night. The phone company lists them out one by one, and it’s really tough to justify 30+ texts you’re sending to a chick every night after midnight for weeks, ya feel me? All I know is that one of my students has a piece of shit PDA, off brand from when they first came out, and THAT can send and receive pics, so why can’t this guy, who has a Blackberry, do it too?

At the end of the call I was pretty disgusted, so I half-heartedly grunted when he said he’d talk to me tomorrow, and cut him off short w/the disconnect. I don’t know if he realizes the jig is up, but I’ve got some shit to deal with. If he does call back I’ll have to tell him how I feel, I just hate being the nutty jealous person, y’know? Then again, I told myself that way back when, and I was right; I wasn't the only person in my ex's life. They say a women’s intuition is usually right. Back to the old drawing board.

“Now serving psycho-jerk number 1258….. “

Bulletins on Myspace do SO Count!

If I looked on your bed, what would I find?
Nail polish bottles, dog treats, and Rootie’s brush.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Open b/c I’m the only one in my apt.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
Socks “folded” in on themselves, but I don’t fold my chones. Who's got time for that shit?

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Love love LOVE to sleep on my stomach with my hands underneath the pillow. Sighhhh…(wish I was doing that right now)

Are you a cuddler?
Made, not born! But yes, I am.

What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Errant pens and Q-tips. (not used ones!)

Something that happened today that made you angry?
People seem to be grouchy today. I don’t like it when folks are shitty to you just b/c they're in a bad mood.

What were you doing before this survey?
Contemplating aaaaallll the shit I have to do and feeling like I have no help.

What will you do after this survey?
Further contemplate aaaaalllll the shit I have to do, and lament the fact that I feel as if I have no help. (And maybe get a 6 pack from HEB.)

Marriage or living together?Meh…

What are you wearing right now?
Chocolate brown skirt, peach top, brown Bostons.

How many times have you been in love?
Well, it all started with Jonathan from New Kids on the Block…

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
Sometimes, if I'm bored.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Depends on who I’m with.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Yep.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Make sure Rootie is A-OK.

Last person you told you love them?
The folks or my grandma.

sneeze with your eyes open or closed?
Isn’t it physically impossible to keep ‘em open when you’re sneezing?

Bite or lick?
I’ll stick w/licking, though I like to nibble.

Last argument you got into?
Why I won’t go to Chipotles b/c it’s owned by McDonalds, but I will go to McDonalds.

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No.

Whats one thing about your best friend?
She needs a haircut. As I was relaying to Katie, she looks like a cotton ball dipped in iodine.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Sometimes, if I’m very tired.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
YES! But just for a weekend.

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
singlesnet.com (This world is against me, I SWEAR!)

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Thanksgiving, and figuring out what my plans will be for New Years.

When will you turn 50?
Too soon, I’m sure.

Are you ticklish?
Very.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Anywhere drinkin’ beer with a friend (or two).

What song are you currently listening to?
Some indie stuff playing on Launchcast.

Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Not “blacked out” but just fallen out from exhaustion, definitely.

If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do?
I don’t know….get angry, that is certain.

What makes you laugh?
Simpsons

Who's the best Spice Girl?
n/a

What time is it?
Time to go HOME!

Sticky Icky

Had A run in w/IT today. The shitty part is that I was joking around, but the woman who had been running the meeting for a good 20 minutes already asked me directly:“Is there a way that we can help you with this issue?” And since the whole thing was for them to update our deposit log, I guess I just didn’t know exactly what she wanted, so I said “I thought that’s why we were all here today.” BUT I WAS JOKING! To a room full of strangers. Who then thought I was a dick. Sighhhh…. For all the smack I talk about having the strength to be single, I could really really REALLY use a hug today.

Sunday, Sunday

I’m talking a lot to the guy I met from the web, and things appear to be going well. Although I really do enjoy talking w/him I can’t help but feel that I am but one in a number of women he’s conversing with, mostly because he’s got such a charismatic and playful personality, and that puts doubts in me regarding his longterm intentions. But I know I’ve just got to squelch those feelings, not get too hopeful, and just be myself until this thing gets ridden out. Not to say that in a negative way because “riding this out” may lead to 2 kids and a minivan (shudder), or it could mean a wacky weekend in a hotel somewhere and not much more. I just need to try my best to be open to the future, and be prepared for either eventuality.

I've also discovered that my lower back pain is back with a vengence. On the one hand it's kinda cool that my body has this kind of internal shut-off which comes into play when I hit a certain weight. I'm not clear on what number that is b/c usually by the time stop caring enough to gain more weight, the LAST thing on my mind is weighing myself. But rest assured that I could not ever turn into one of those shut-ins that have to be cut from their homes b/c my back would not allow it. It's only been hurting for about 5 days now and I've already taken some action on addressing the issue. This morning I awoke at 9am so that I could use the walking track around the hospital, which is across the street from apt. complex. I really hope I can commit to the endeavor, which will take about 30-45 minutes a day. The only part that might throw me is Rootie, because I want to make sure that I take her out when I get home from work, but she expects me to stay home when I get there. If not, she howls, which probably won't go over so well w/the neighbors. Eh...she'll get used to it, I'm sure.

And I was able to recreate my bonfire bottle, which I had previously broken a while back. (I may have blogged about this last night, but I was drunk and don't remember.) In any event, it's looking fine and better than ever! I just hope I never break it again b/c goldschlager and apple juice is one disgusting way to spend an evening.

Tomorrow is the day, it'll be just me in the office. In one way I'm looking forward to it, but in other ways I'm nervous that it'll be stressful. Though this weekend did make a dent in my current stress levels, I really want to ride out this week before the shit really hits the fan next month. The scholarship deadline is December 1st; that'll be the beginning of the end for me in the next oh....4 months of heavily scrutinized, visible and highly political processes that I've been placed in charge of. Can hardly wait!

Bonfire Bottle Pt. Deux

Tonight I'm watching "Transformers" for the first time. THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS! I dunno why I always feel like a 19 year old inside, and I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that this movie ROCKS!

Tonight I'm drinking alone b/c I accidentally broke my old "bonfire bottle" waaaaay back from my Aggie days. It fell off the fridge and made me very very sad. I shortly had the idea to simply buy another small bottle of Goldschlager and put my bonfire ashes back in there, and that's what I'm doing tonight. Since I'm not much for liquor I'm mixing it w/apple juice. I'm thinking I should've just shot it, b/c now I've got about 8 cups worth of this apple juice/goldschlager mix that's making me want to urp. Sighhh.....

Funky Friday

YES! The week is DONE! I have been so grumpy all day long b/c I just feel so burned out from work. I'm sure I was not fun to work with today, but I was open about this w/my coworkers and let them know I just needed to get through this last day of the work week because today, (finally), MY WEEKEND begins! I don’t have anything going on other than sleeping late and keeping my nose clean. Just can’t wait!

The Chorus Line was OK. I honestly thing they were a little too ambitious in taking charge of finding nearly 20 Texas State students who could sing, dance, AND act. They found 2 that could, another 5 that could do it well enough, and the rest were just out there sucking at one thing or another. That made it difficult to get into the story. As soon as I got home last night I turned my phone on to find that my web hottie is nottie (he didn’t call) but my old pal Juan was once again phoning it in. You see, I hadn’t heard from my friend Juan since he punked out on me for Renfest, which you can read about here. It’s upsetting to me b/c he only calls when he needs emotional support, yet he doesn’t provide me with the most basic of friendship building blocks: trust that he won’t stand me up when we make plans. I don’t think I’m that big of a pain in the ass to hang out with, so I don’t really “get” why it’s such a big deal to go through with plans to chill with me, but I do get why he calls me when he’s sad, and just as George Michael and his counter part “the other guy” from Wham! So eloquently stated: “You’ve shown me you can take, you’ve got some giving to do.” I was nice to him, we talked for a while, but things aren’t the same. Nor should they be, he’s burned me many many times through the years, so we’re never really going to go forward with anything deeper than a chat here and there. Meh. Could be worse.

AWWWW MAN! I just got up to go to the bathroom and that guy called! He didn’t leave a message though. Should I call him back? I HATE THIS!

Ain't Nuthin' Goin' On But the Rent

Just spent the past 9 hours in our Executive retreat with 6 people who really don’t want me on their team. The good thing is that I’ve been able to put my thumb on why. I mean, I’ve always had a general sense of why I was never going to be “one of the gang”, but I’m the kind of person who knows that life is an ever-changing and ever-evolving process; I'm open to the notion of change, (i.e.if I learn that others think I’m a tool, I’m going to try to be less of a tool). And lately I've been second guessing myself b/c I see how content everyone on the executive team is, and I sometimes get this wave of "What if the real problem is you?". But now I get it. My director doesn’t like me b/c I am not a proponent of keeping the status quo, and I do not kowtow to bullies. The difficult part for me is knowing how ineffective I am in this position. Other ideas are viewed with an openness that is suddenly obfuscated when my voice hits their ears. If I had one shred of respect for those who are most determined to let this be known to me, it would bother me greatly. Currently, I ain’t sweatin’ it.

In other news, Ed texted me around 3 telling me that we have reserved seats for tonight’s play, which means I’m going. Not for my sake, but I don’t want to punk out on Ed. Every part of me wants to shower, plunk down on my bed and paint my nails while watching Discovery and be asleep by 10, but I can’t. I’m a little nervous that my most recent suitor will call me while I’m at the play. I’m hoping he’ll call me before so that I can let him know I’m not avoiding his call. Se la vie!

T-Minus 6 Days 'Till The Giving of Thanks

Bought a turkey! That’s right, for the first time ever I’m going it alone on Thanksgiving and am making my first turkey all by myselfee! Yes, a bit scared b/c those I’ll be serving are going to be relative strangers, meaning that they won’t be as forgiving as say, family members if I goof this up, but as an added measure I am also doing this in my teeny tiny kitchen, miles and miles away from all of my kitchen gadgets and much needed space. My Dad has offered to have me use his kitchen, but I’m not so sure…seems too much ilke cheating. Dad and I make a turkey, two kinds of stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and at least one green dish (spinach salad, green beans) every year. I won’t feel like I’ve really feel like I’ve done it myself.

In other news, finally talked to one of the guys from the dating website; so far so good. He talks…a lot, but he’s not stupid, has a good sense of humor, and doesn’t take himself too seriously. I don’t much care for him calling me “Beautiful” b/c I’d like to know that he recognizes who he’s actually talking to (no really, some guys call everyone “Sweetie” just to avoid dealing w/the whole calling out the wrong name issue), but other than that, I’m really looking forward to talking to him again.

I’m a little nervous that I’m becoming more of a homebody. Lately it just seems like I’ve been out doing crap and just on the go a lot. The job is busy, I went to Renfest, then Wurstfest, then out to dinner w/Mel, traveled to Seguin b/c my mom was in town, out to dinner w/Ed, then tonight I had to drive to Seguin again for Rootie's shot and it was my grandma's birthday today, and now Ed invited me to see “A Chorus Line”, which I don’t mind doing, I just kinda….want to be home and not have to do anything else for a solid block of time. When I think about it, it’s not really all that much, and I should feel fortunate to not be doing the whole zombie-dance of home-work-home-work-home thing. I’m just realizing that I need the decompression time whereas I don’t think I needed that as much when I was younger. I’m hoping this weekend will prove to be relaxing one.

Next?

Busy day. Too busy. Actually, it’s my own fault that it went south; I had a 3 hour block in the morning that I unwisely decided to fritter away on the interweb. Then it all hit the fan. My project was to make a timeline that will be given to our highest ranking new students. I did that. My new boss asked to have me submit the draft to her instead of the team, for her consideration. She turned it into something I would NEVER submit to anyone, much less all the higher-ups. I was lamenting this fact to my former supervisor who stated that all of our publications went through an iterative process, and that my boss would have a better grasp of what is being asked of us, and that she would present and defend it to the group. It made me feel much better. One hour later I was told to fwd the draft to the bigwig group and ask if any changes were needed. !!!!!!!!! FUCK ME! Sighh….

I just got promoted and am newly supervising 2 staff members. The problem is that our office has a vacation policy whereby we have to submit vacation requests before the semester begins, and both of my coworkers have had time approved by their previous supervisors, which just all around sucks for me. They both have the entire week of Thanksgiving off, which puts me in the hot seat. The extra $400 per month is NOT cushioning the daily shit I’m getting knocked around with.

Tonight I’m off to meet my friend Ed for dinner and wine. He just got back from a cruise and I’m off to hear all about it. OH, and one of my web hotties gave me a call and I’m not sure whether or not to call him back tonight. I’m just tired and don’t think I’d be in a good frame of mind to meet someone new. We’ll see…

I Scream

I wrote this on June 11, 2007:

1. My former roommate's cousin has a crush on me. I've known this for awhile but I was able to wiggle out by saying I didn't feel I could date someone related to my roommate, b/c if things went south it would be uncomfortable. Well…no more roomie and no excuses. Why am I trying to make excuses? He's a nice man, but just not as…cerebral as I'd like. It's tough to talk to him b/c the cylinders are firing at a slower rate, and that matters to me. A lot. Went on date, had a nice time, but there are two problems:
a. Apparently he has a history of getting wasted and getting into fights. I have never EVER been in a physical altercation-the notion is completely foreign to me, so that is never going to fly, and yes, it's a deal breaker. I just can't respect that, and I certainly won't tolerate it.
b. He let me pay for my drinks. HE asked me out, HE paid for dinner, but when we went out afterwards and I slapped down my debit card to start a tab, he didn't stop me. I don't know how all that is supposed to work (I wanted a beer and my first instinct is to get one. Am I supposed to ask "Can I have a beer?" I dunno…) but I think he should have refused. I'm not funny w/money, all my friends know this, but a date is different. (Am I wrong here?)
I gotta get out of this. How long do I date him? Should I dodge him? Maybe I should just date him, but is that fair to him? I know it's not going anywhere but how do I tell him this?

l

End of post. A bit puzzled that I felt the need to justify more reasons to not date a guy who's kinda slow, but whatever. Fast forward to last week. That same guy, Sammy, had posted a bulletin at 1:20am which read:

We all must die some time, some sooner than others.................

And 20 minutes later came the follow-up:
TO ALL I HAVE ON MYSPACE, I WILL BE CLOSEING MY PAGE IN A DAY OR TWO.... EVERYONE BE SAFE AND TAKE CARE......

I’ve never gone through suicide training, but this seemed like a pretty blatant cry for help to me. So I e-mailed him and asked him how he was and told him not to be a stranger. (This is relevant as my current problems stems from THAT very action.) This past Friday he called my cell and we talked a bit, and even made tentative plans to do something the Friday following Thanksgiving, but it was giving me some pause that his initial offer of seeing a movie suddenly changed to me going to his “land” and watching some DVDs. Ahhhhh-no. But no matter, the plans are tentative, and I can’t imagine doing something as stupid as that. I didn’t really think much of this conversation until Saturday. The reason? Since that one phone call he has texted me no less than 9 times. NINE TIMES! At first I was game, and was just taking this on the friendly gesture level. Last night I got a “Goodnight. Sleep good.” Text at 10pm and this afternoon I got “Hope u had a good day. What’s up” at 4pm. I’m not good at what comes next. I’ve got to let him know that I’m not interested in “that” way without feeling like a tool. Is that even possible?

And in addition to this fool tomery, I’ve got the ice cream hankers! This weekend I bought some Ben and Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake, then today I went in for a pint of coffee toffee as well! And I’m not even that big a fan of ice cream. Usually it’s like Smarties or Sweet Tarts- I had a "take ‘em or leave ‘em" kind of attitude, but there are certain times when I just really want ice cream, and I guess that time is now. I even e-mailed a comment to the Ben & Jerry’s website; did you know there are NO chunks of cheesecake in the strawberry cheesecake flavor? What the hell am I paying premium prices for, if it’s not to really clog my arteries w/some outrageously unhealthy dessert within a dessert? I got so disenchanted that I still have more than half the pint left, so maybe that’s why I unexpectedly grabbed another pint today. (I was at the grocery store to purchase a b-day banner for one of my office-mates, and suddenly, there I was in the freezer aisle!) I hope so. I got enough to contend with, what with the inert lifestyle and my penchant for beer drinking.

Sunday

Cool:
Got to catch up w/my folks
Met my mom’s new puppy (she’s a cutie)
Dad wants to take me the Gingerbread Man in Austin
Mom suggested I give one of their twin beds to Katie instead of letting her use my king sized bed. (!!!!!)
I helped my uncle Tony paint his living room, which is cool b/c he helps me all the time.

Drool:
Rootie is sick of her treats, so it’s getting tougher to make her take her daily dose of prednisone
I left my apt. around 8am and didn’t get back until 6pm, so my Sunday wasn’t very restful
I learned my ex (and only former bf) is getting married.

Beer and Babies

Didn’t do too much damage at Wurstfest after all. Weeeeellll, actually I spent about $80 in the 4 hours I spent there. It was $8 to get in, $5 to park, and I bought 2 pitchers ($34), and contributed $7.00 to another pitcher, a Wurstkabob for $4.50, a Rueben for $5, and a bag of candy-coated almonds for $10. I came home w/6 bucks. Two things:

1.) I HATE it when people are funny about money! Of the 6 initial folks that drove down together there were 3 of us who drank beer. My thoughts are that we each buy a pitcher and share, only b/c no one wants to buy a full pitcher of beer and sit in front of it, nor do we all want to buy the beer at $5 per cup. But there are those people who get this “I’m not spending $17 and having others drink my pitcher.” It ruins my time when I hear people say “I owe for the beer.” That’s why I ended up spending so much money on beer. People woulnd’t ante up, and quite frankly, if I want a beer, I’m going to go buy some. Consequently, I ended up spending a lot of money on beer for everyone. One of them even wanted to pay me for gas! I was freakin’ going to Wurstfest regardless of their company, so why the hell would I charge someone to tag along? This actually should’ve been my first indication that it was going to be funky.

2.) Before the drink had a hold on my good senses, there were two times I had to hold back tears. I'm telling you, this baby fever thing truly is back. We were in one of the tents listening to a band that was partially oompa, but also modern. They started playing "Surfing USA" by the Beach Boys and this whole family goes out to the front and they all begin dancing together. The mom had the youngest girl in her arms, and the dad was dancing with his two other daughters, as they wiggled their heinies and jumped around with glee. It was a beautiful sight and still gets me a little misty-eyed because I just don't have faith that I'll ever have that, and it makes me very very sad. The second time was moments later when they did "Brown Eyed Girl". A new daddy had his daughter in his arms, she was probably 10-14 months old, and as he's out there with his daughter he's singing the song to her and you can just see in his eyes the reverance he had for his little girl. Such a strong bond that the love just radiated from his body. It was just beautiful to see, and there again the pity party sets in.

More on that later b/c I'm just about to leave for the evening. Tonight my friend Katie, with a sudden interest in hanging out that not so coincidentally began last week when she asked to borrow my bed, is coming to town (20 minutes away from where she lives), and we’re having dinner and a few drinks. I spoke with mutual friends and both of them were like “DO NOT LET HER BORROW YOUR BED”. Their grand idea is to tell her someone else has it. ?? Not only do I suck at lying, but that lie is particularly flimsy. Hopefully once I get a few drinks down I’ll let her in on my reservations. Stay tuned.

Jist One Mor' Phoquin' Withdrawal!

Off to Wurstfest today. I actually was dreading it all weekend. What? Dreading a "Two week salute to sausage!"??? Is that even possible? But I have to do a couple of presentations for a college day tomorrow, so I can't tear it up, Aimee-style. At $17 per pitcher I'm not sure I'd want to even if I didn't have to work tomorrow. Yeah, I typed that correctly. And that's not even for the good shit. You want a real foreign beer you're ponying up $21. The "deal" is that you get to keep the pitcher. I'm thinking they should rethink the prices with some sort of deposit system, because that's a major reason I didn't go last weekend. I used to be all about it, until I counted up exactly how much I'd spent on beer and sausage. It was criminal! What is it about those portable ATMs that makes them completely irresistable after about 5 beers. As my friend Jana can attest, I am one ATM whore when I get drunk. Let's hope I fare better than last year. I'm thinking 50 cash and locking my debit card in my glovebox will do it. Wish me luck!

Bore or Whore?

Just remembered I hadn't blogged yet, so here I am. Not much on this evening and in my channel surfing I've gotten caught on Cathouse on HBO. A part of me thinks that women who can do things like that are liberated in a way that I could never be, and that it's a shame that I get hung up on the details of commitment. Being nasty, for me, comes with a stipulation that I've got to be emotionally vested in someone. I feel so independent in so many ways, but I just can't take sex on face value. I realize it's a human need that we all have, and I'm not ashamed of that need, I just can't imagine letting someone I don't know put their hands on me! BLECHHH!!!! I've also never been able to decide whether these women are better off for being able to do that, or if they're denying themselves something that is considered an evolutionary response; feeling safe and protected by one partner. Then again, who am I say that every woman feels that way?

What I have experienced is the heady power of seduction. Knowing a guy will do/say pretty much anything because there's one thing he wants that you have complete control over is very intoxicating. But it's not "real", it burns away like birch bark. I wonder if women who engage in many casual encounters find it easier to experience men on that level b/c it's easier to deal with the illusion of control than attempting ot delve into anything deeper. You get hurt when you have expectations and they're not met. It's tough put your heart out there and hope someone will want you enough to stick around and be true. But don't get me wrong, I don't look down on the behavior. I'm the same kind of scaredy-cat with the same reservations about trust, I just manifest these issues in the opposite way. Instead of letting everyone in and indulging in pleasures of the flesh, I don't let anyone in. You can't get hurt that way either, only those girls have a lot more fun with their issues. Oh yeah...and a lot more STD's. Hmmmm....I think I'm doing OK on this side of the fence after all. :-)

Work SUX

So today I got dinged by my former boss and my new boss b/c I was told that I was not being forthcoming enough with information (wasn’t copying my boss on e-mails), which was creating problems b/c she doesn’t want to micromanage me. Now, in MY mind, cc’ing your boss on every fucking e-mail you send is a form micromanaging. If you think I can’t handle something as simple as correspondence then maybe I’m not the person you should’ve put in the position, ya feel me? They don’t see it that way, therefore that is not the way things are.

Secondly, I was asked to send a letter of apology to student who were erroneously awarded funds they were not eligible to receive because, as in their previous year, they didn’t meet the academic criteria to receive their grant. For the past 3 months we’ve been attempting to collect back, but it only became relevant when they were not able to register for spring classes. We were able to find funds in order to pay for this mistake, which meant students were not out any personal funds. The letter explains this, and my line is:

While we are working on updating our processes in order to prevent further errors, it is our sincere hope that our amnesty will undo any stress or hardship this situation may have caused. You can always find information regarding the terms of eligibility for all financial aid on our website.

Y’know, thinking that since they know what GPA they must have to get the grant, and they took the money and ran (like if an ATM suddently spits out $500 and you just grab and go), I want them to realize that these funds come with responsibility. My boss wants me to say:

I apologize for the error and for creating undue stress on you.

Undo stress on THEM!??! I was the one freaking out b/c our antiquated bs system doesn’t administer this STATE program correctly! I was the one doing all the work trying to collect the money! Why is it that instead of changing our system, because this happens every freakin’ year, we’re just creating a fall guy to write bullshit letters? WTF? I was then lectured about humility and taking ownership of mistakes. No mention of my ideas to fix said situation.

Thirdly, I was told that it was noted that during our Tuesday counselor meeting, I expressed how many e-mails I had to get to (b/c I had taken Friday and Monday off). I did not announce this, just small talk w/one of the counselors at the table. I was told that this is poor form for a supervisor, and I was also reprimanded for was looking at my watch! Apparently I was making it seem like my time was worth more than their time.

This exec team is awful. I was able to get a few points in, but they just kept double-teaming me. This is going to be soooo difficult for me. I do not respect these people, and I have no idea how I’m going to fake my way through that. I don’t know if I can.

Friend of a Fiend

So I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t make Naplablomahoma, or whatever, because I was out of town this weekend and already missed a few days, but I don’t want to completely throw in the towel. Even though I suppose I could cheat and backpost a few memes, I’m going to stay true and go fwd. For now.

Here’s my latest dilemma: I’ve got a friend named Katie who is a free-spirit, a lover of adventure, and is very well stacked. The reason I share that final tidbit is b/c she definitely gets her fair share of male and female attention, and though she is fairly judicious in choosing who to share physical expressions with, it’s just a numbers game that since she gets offered about 20 times each week, and she only indulges in, say…one time every two months, she’s still got a fair amount of notches on her belt. Now some of you may be thinking “So why are dropping a dime on this supposed friend of yours?” I’ll tell you why! SHE WANTS TO BORROW MY BED!

She and her bf split up about the time I moved to San Marcos, and during this very tumultuous time I may have, in the midst of assuring her that her life was not going to abruptly end b/c he wasn’t in the picture, relayed that if she needed anything at all, I would be there to help her. During this time of MY needing to move all of my furniture downstairs and into storage, I also probably offered her the use of the furniture I could not have possibly used in my current, fully furnished living quarters, up to and including my bed. Thinking of course that a lazy-butt like Katie was never going to actually drive down from Austin to pick it up, plus the fact that she’s now making 3 times what I make (she got a new job shortly before the split). But today I got a call asking if the offer for the bed still stood as her ex is expected to take his bed back within the next week or so. And so the conflict unfolds:

1) Katie and I have a tumultuous time of things in the past. We started out strong and I guess we had nowhere else to go but south. Not that she’s a bad friend, just that she can be very self righteous, and is one of those people who think they are very liberal thinkers, but in fact are more narrow-minded than the staunchest conservative. An example? If you don’t agree with her on a topic, any topic at all, you suddenly become an “idiot”. The name calling is actually the mild blow-up; she once left me in a restaurant b/c I pointed out the fact that anything she didn’t agree with was suddenly “weird”. It was not an accusatory statement, just an observation told over a bottle of wine. She stood up, told me all the things about me she didn’t like (while jabbing her finger in my face), and flounced off to the car. Yes, we’ve had our moments.

2) We used to be coworkers, and went out for drinks many-a-time during her 16 month tenure at the university. She then began employment in Austin, about 20 minutes away from San Marcos, and suddenly deemed this town too boring to visit. Now, I’ve had to deal with this complex many times from many people because living in a small town about half an hour from a big city meant that I was usually the one loading up my car and driving to the city for some fun. But now that I live in San Marcos, I figured that if she didn’t ever get a bit nostalgic for her old stomping grounds, surely meeting halfway would be a good solution. In the past month she has repeatedly told me that if we were to get together it would be because I went up to Austin b/c she doesn’t want to hang around a bunch of “kids” in “some crap, close-minded town”. But I’M here in this town, and how could that not be enough to get in your car and drive down 35? Would it be any different than if I lived in North Austin and was still at least a 25 minute drive away? We were at a standstill there, for sure.

3) Katie is bisexual, and though I’m not averse to the lifestyle I will admit that I have a hard enough time keeping my shit straight with attracting one gender; I cannot possibly imagine how to handle it with two. (Not that’s it’s so impossible to do; I do understand that in that department I am sorely lacking.) Anyway, my mom had given me that bed about a year ago and it’s my very first king-sized bed. This may sound stupid, but well….I haven’t…”christened” it yet, and the thought of Katie getting freaky-deaky bizz-ay in my bed just doesn’t feel right!! It has nothing to do w/her sexuality per se, only that with her body, penchant for drinkin’, and the fact that she’s got DOUBLE the opportunity for sex, I KNOW she’s going to get to do it in my bed before me, and that’s just WRONG!

And so her sweetly calling me today and being coincidentally in the mood to come to San Marcos this weekend in order to visit with her old chum doesnt' get me too terribly suspicous. She did just get a haircut, and so it did come innocently enough, but then she started to lament about the woeful situation about her losing her bed, like she was getting kicked out on the street or something. Knowing that Katie has a flair for drama, I tried to assuage her with: “Well, the worst thing that could happen is that you sleep on the floor for a few nights until you can afford a bed, right?” to which she chimed in: “But now I can get that bed you’re having to store!” The Ah-ha moment hit me. And now how will it all go down?

Status Quo is Hard Proving Difficult to Shake-up

So this is week two on a dating website, my latest foray into not turning into a pathetic loser who can’t even find some schlub to boss around (but at least cuddle with), until I die at the ripe old age of 130. Right after I broke up w/my ex (waaaaay back in Feb. of ’06) I decided to get my feet wet with match.com and eharmony. Just safe ways to get myself out there without really putting myself out there. But my heart wasn’t really in it. I was still too hurt over things, and going from a dateable size 10 to a hoss-like size 24 just put me in a weird headspace where I didn’t really feel like I was a viable partner. But things were on the upswing! I was consciously eating less and also making a concerted effort to use the Stairmaster I was fortunate enough to have sitting in front of a television, and directly under a fan, downstairs. Fast forward to the present. I’m now relegated to a closet-sized living area purporting to be a studio apartment, lots of stress from my job, and a mild estrangement from my family, which has me at a still an undateable size 22.

I don’t know why I feel that way. I see heavy girls partnered up everywhere I go, but internally I always imagine a scenario where their initial meeting was during a point where they were both relatively thin, it’s just the normal “couple pudge” that happens to many people when their in a secure relationship. (Not to say that keeping fit means you’re in an insecure state/relationship, this is just how my poisoned mind works.)

So what’s a single girl to do? I feel like I’ve been open to dating and meeting new people but the past 10 or so months (the time I’ve truly been over my ex and ready to meet someone new), the few dates I’ve had haven’t yielded anything. Moving to a new town full of upwardly mobile, edumacated men hasn’t changed anything either. And my good intentions to exercise and eat less surprisingly enough have NOT been enough to miraculously shave inches off my hips, thighs, and jelly-belly. And I started thinking about…yeah, it's tough to admit….chubby chasers.

Now, I’ve always been leery of chubby chasers, mostly b/c I equate that kind of predilections with fetishes. I just don’t really know that I would trust that a guy would really be interested in me, and not just interested in oiling me up to get their kicks and moving onto the next tubby tart. But then, for some reason (OK, I think we all know it’s b/c I’m starting to feel desperate), I starting to change the way I thought about such things. I mean, I’m fairly liberal when it comes to “types” of guys that I’m attracted to; I normally focus on personality before I consider whether or not I’m interested, but many many people have certain features in mind when picking potential date-mates. So if I think it’s perfectly normal for gentlemen to prefer blondes, then why can’t I get on board with fellows following fatties? Kind of a double standard, huh? This was my thought process when I placed my monthly subscription to a “big and beautiful” website about 2 weeks ago.

And what now? I’ll tell you what now! 70 interested men, 2 sketchy IM sessions, and only two men I even want to spend time getting to know (but am no longer getting responses from), and I’m STILL hopelessly devoted to single serving popcorn, mythbuster marathons for one, and the only horizontal love I get is from snuggling my poodle. (Sadly not a euphamism for anything remotely sexual, I promise). Despite the fact that many of these guys claim to want a serious relationship, their game is just too off-putting for me. I'm not a prude, but I need the dance! I need to feel enough admiration and trust to want to talk sex with a guy. Why is that so bad? Are other girls really going so fast that by the third e-mail it's time to let some guy into your e-panties? Sighhh.... but this is getting dire. The other day as I was channel surfing, a love scene on HBO literally made me cry. YES! Watching sex made me CRY! The opposite of a normal response to visuals of coitus! And the reason? I miss it, and I'm just not certain that I'm ever going to be there again.

Thai Sunday

Sunday I decided it was time to clean up my apartment, and off I went. Almost as soon as I was done I kept eyeing my nice, clean kitchen. There is just something about a clean kitchen that makes me want to cook. I had all but two ingredients for Thai noodles, and I figured that coriander and fish sauce aside, I could make it. It does make me mad to know that I JUST threw out my fish sauce b/c it spilled during the move and made all my spices smell like a sweaty, fishy mess. Showed that fish sauce who was boss, didn't I?! And now I am without. Anyway, I started by chopping the veggies:

Starting with carrots and going clockwise we have chopped garlic, limes, chopped chili pepper, shallots, and green bell pepper in the middle.

Next I chopped up some chicken tenderloins and peeled & deveined some shrimp, like so:

Thirdly I boiled some water and cooked the noodles. Immediately after taking them off the stove, I rinsed with cold water so that the cooking process would stop. Once I forgot to do this and they got all gloopy and gross before I could toss them in the wok.

Lastly, I gathered the spices I would need to make this the best damn Thai dish I could muster (without fish sauce and coriander). From left to right we have white wine vinegar, garlic chili sauce, ginger, and basil.

I will admit that there is one thing I forgot to take pics of: the chopped peanuts. I only had peanuts that were in their shells and was quite surprised by the mess peanuts make when you're not enjoying them the "regular" way, and by that I mean sucking off the salt, cracking the nut, and eating the peanut, shell and all (and washing them down with beer). Despite the fact that I'm the only one partaking of this dish, the cook in me could not bring myself to tongue the nuts (huh huh huh huh huh) beforehand. As a result, my newly vacuumed floor now has bits of peanut skins and shells scattered around my desk. Hey, I already vacuumed once this weekend, thus I have hit my quota. I then had to chop them all up because my fancy schmancy kitchen stuff is in storage. It wasn't so bad though. It made me remember the time Dad needed 1/2 cup of mayonnaise and the stores were closed, so we made some from scratch. A'yup, eggs, lemon, and vegetable oil- whisk until you collapse. From that perspective, chopping peanuts wasn't such a big deal.

Confession no. 2: I got all my stuff ready and decided that I'd have it for "linner" (lunch/dinner) after I had gotten some sun by the pool. As I have relayed in earlier posts, the easiest way for me to tan is to bring my best bud, Bud Light, to the pool with me. So I drank some beer, caught some rays, and once inside my apartment I didn't much care to continue my pictorial. But, here's how I cooked it:

1) Coated my wok with sesame oil and cooked the chicken. When the outside of the chicken was white, but it was not quite done yet, I then added the shrimp (b/c if you add the shrimp too soon you'll either get not-quite-cooked chicken, or gummy, tough shrimp). I also seasoned w/salt, basil, and pepper. The recipe called for chicken broth, but instead I just added some water to the wok so that the drippings could mix and make it's own broth. I took out the meat and placed it to the side.

2) To the broth I added the garlic, shallots, and chili pepper. Once softened, I dumped in the carrots b/c they will take longer to soften. I covered to "sweat" the veggies a bit. I also added some white wine vinegar, more basil, some ginger powder (I would've liked to have used real ginger root, but I didn't have any), and salt.

3) Next I uncovered the wok and added the green peppers. For the remainder of the cook-time I would cook uncovered b/c I needed the broth to evaporate. Once softened a bit (not too much! The veggies have to be firm enough for you to toss into the noodles later), I took the veggies out of the wok and placed aside.

4) Once again coated the wok with oil. Sometimes I'll fry an egg into the oil, but usually only if I'm using rice, not noodles (I dunno why). Since these were noodles I skipped that step. Once the wok was hot I added the noodles and mixed them up (they had clumped a little bit, but the heat and oil made them seperate), and made sure they were heated through. Next I added the veggies and tossed them in with the noodles. I also squeezed the lime into the veggie/noodle mix and I also added the chopped peanuts.

5) Once everything is heated, I added the meat last. I do this because I don't want to overcook the shrimp. Also note that while you can cook all this in stages, but I try to make sure the meat doesn't completely cool down, otherwise you'll have the same problem I listed above: either warm-ish chicken pieces or overdone shrimp. I guess you could also keep the chicken and shrimp seperate, but I just find it easier to cook it all at once and keep the meat the warm.

6) Once it's all mixed and heated through I save the best for last; the garlic chili sauce. It's already got some heat to it b/c of the chopped chili pepper, but if you're like me, the more spice the better. And that's it! Thai noodles for dinner! (And lots of leftovers for lunch the next day!)

Messy plate; I was using it to store the veggies/meat in order to avoid making too many dishes to wash later on. :-)

Back on Track?

My friend Eric finally got me on the right track. I had given up on my Halloween costume this year b/c of the 6 month budget I’ve recently committed to (will attempt to commit to), which will have me in fairly good financial shape for the coming uncertainties which lie ahead. SO, I figured that since I’m going to the Renfest (which IS budgeted), that I’d forgo plans for Halloween. Until I was made to realize just how I could make my own costume. In the past I have indulged in the lamest form of costume known to man: the novelty ears. I think the whole thing started in childhood when my mom would always make me wear either the ballet costume from my previous year’s recital, or even worse, my ballet tights and leotard so that I could paint my face white and be a mime. Though I can’t blame my mom too terribly much, after all times were tight and I should be thankful that she made it a point to spend the time and money to have me involved in ballet for those 8 years, but I do wish I had one of those mom’s who was a bit more creative. Years later here I am, so quick to give up when my unimaginativeness declares that without $70-$100 to purchase a costume outright, I’m out of luck. Thank goodness Eric gave me some great ideas and put me right.

As I briefly mentioned before, I budgeted my prospective earnings, as estimation from the stipend I’ll be getting to being a puppet for the next few months (Acting Assistant Director in the house ya’ll!), and by the time Feb. comes around I should be in a good spot to make my next move, whether it be back to Seguin or in for another lease in San Marcos. I just found a place called Sanctuary Lofts which I really wish I had found before I signed the lease for this joint. Not that it’s so horrible to live here, just that I cannot imagine myself asking anyone to visit my humble abode as I live in a frat closet. I won’t sacrifice much of my objective, which is to bring my living expenses down so that I can pay off more of my debt, but for an extra $40 per month, I could stand to live in a nicer place.

And in other news, while I have committed myself to a costume, I have yet to find a shindig in which to wear it, though I have been out much more than usual. Tuesday I went to a free Reckless Kelly concert and discovered that I quite liked their band, and Friday night I went out w/my coworker Dina and her husband to drink waaaaay too much beer. The only regret I have about that night is that I was originally slated to go to a birthday party in Austin, the same hostess at the party in which I met Ray, the 24 and nine-tenths comedian who gave me tonsillitis (so says I-that could have been a coincidence). In any event, I had to give two presentation at college day Saturday morning, so I had to decline the offer in order to do the responsible thing and NOT show up hungover to the event, yet the seemingly innocuous invite that came at 4:50 to go have one drink led to just that. We drank until 1am, had a great time, but I arrived at the presentation bleary-eyed and lost, did a sub-par job, and spent a hell of a lot more money than I would’ve if I’d just gone to the party! And that’s WITH Dina and her hubby buying me dinner at Valentinos! Sheesh!

But I’m getting out and about, have a good handle on my future finances (whether or not I actually do the thing I know I’m supposed to do is still in question), and I’m coming to terms w/my needs more and more. I’ve never been one to lament about my lack o’ chilluns, but I will admit that it’s come back. That feeling I used to have when I was 20-22 when every time I saw a baby my line of vision would get frozen, my chest would tighten and my lower tummy would ache. Yes, I’ve been able to stave it off for nearly a decade but my baby fever is back. Just today I saw a man shopping at Wal Mart, and his tiny little offspring had me dazed for a good 10 minutes. And that only means that knowing my financial constraints could potentially be lifted in the next 2 years or so, I sometimes dream of the notion of getting preggers regardless of my relationship situation. I know, I KNOW, it’s so selfish to think that my own need to procreate would trump a child’s need to have a father. Sighhh….just a thought folks.

Feeling Guilty, But Not Really

So read this and tell me if I should be in trouble:

1. Do you have a tattoo?
No

2. How old are you?
31 and three-quarters

3. Are you single or taken?
Single as the day I was born.

4. Eat with your hands or utensils?
I prefer utensils. I hate it when my hands are sticky/dirty.

5. Do you dream at night?
And sometimes during the day.

6. Ever seen a corpse?
At funerals.

7.George Strait or Jay Z?
The first answer that comes to mind is “neither”, however I’d guess that I’m more familiar w/the works of Mr. Strait.

8. How did we meet?
On the benches in front of Moore Hall.

HERE COMES THE EQUALLY INTERESTING PART...
9. Whats your philosophy on life and death?
My philosophy on those subjects changes depending on how much beer I’ve had.

10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
I’d braid your lustrous, long locks a la Willie Nelson. Oh wait…then I’d take pics and make sure that EVERYONE knew, so I guess that doesn’t count.

11. Do you trust the police?
Not even a little.

12. Do you like Country music?
Not really. Old country is OK.

13. What is your fondest memory of me?
That’s a toughie…..I’ll get back to you. HA HA! Drinkin’ at Duddley’s and spankin’ you at TV Trivia.

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
I’d be two inches taller.

15. Would you cheat ?
Never have, don’t expect I ever would.

16. What do you wear to sleep?
Chones and lotion.

17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
Yes.

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
Only up to and including misdemeanor charges.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
Drive to Dudley’s so that I could once again spank you at TV Trivia.

20. Which do you prefer - Short or long hair?
I like my long hair. I’m attracted to men w/short hair. (Don’t want to compete for hair products/mirror-time)

21. Do you sing in the shower?
Yes

22. What's your favorite color?
Probably red

23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
My Papo. I miss him. Things just aren’t the same.

24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
I masturbated on your couch last I visited. HA HA! Kidding! (Or am I….?)

25. What was your first impression of me?
You don’t want to know. Wellll, you DID ask…. You affirmed my belief that guys are always only going to look out for themselves. Of course that was, what, 9 yrs ago? Nowadays my impression of you is…oh. HEY, check it out, there’s another question coming up!! :-)

26. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
Yes. I expect this on my desk (top) by Monday. :-)

27. Who are you?
I believe the larger question here is “What are you?” and to that I must admit: Once a cardinal-fuck, always a mother fuckin’ cardinal-fuck.

I will admit that I am a little upset at the Juanster. I'm just sick of people making glib statements like "I know I'm flaky! Oh well!" That a really shitty way of saying that you only have a friend when it suits them. I have been accused of being "dramatic" about this issue, but I don't think I am at all. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it, even when I get a better offer, or I'm feeling a little down, or if it's raining and I don't want to get wet-whatever the case may be. There are few good excuses (though there are some!), for bailing on plans that you've made with other people.

Upon making plans w/my friend Juan to attend the Renfest, I did make this known to him. I was clear about the fact that I am not like his other friends who just joke about him being one to cancel, I'm going to attend the Renfest regardless of his presence, call him out like the jerk-ass he'd be if he did back out on me, then cease our correspondence, as there are millions of people I can't count on, friends and family should get my attention and respect b/c they are the few that I can count on. (See where the case for drama comes in?)

Juan and I have had a spotty past. I believe we just made the year mark after not having spoken for the previous 8. Again, not in an aggressive or petty way, I just don't have the energy to expend on people who dick me over. He then states that if he agrees to attend Renfest by the following Wednesday, we will then be going to the event. Wednesday came and went. No, I didn't remind him, he's an adult. Friday I get home and fill out the meme posted above. Haven't heard from him since. I'm not writing this one off, but methinks I may have touched a nerve. I know it's unfair b/c check out some of HIS responses:
3. Are you single or taken?
I am happily single...hey, when you know that are selfish why bother with commitments.

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
I'd change my issues with commitments.

15. Would you cheat ?
Since I am never committed, I guess there is no cheating here, eh?

So he's admitting he's a cad but then gets all upset when I concur. Sighhhh...OK, I know. It's like one of those things where you can say "Damn these thunder thighs" about yourself, but you'd be hard pressed to find it acceptable to shoot back "Yeah wow, those are some thunder thighs of yours!". Oh well. He knew I was blunt when he met me. HA HA!!! (Joking!) I already called and apologized to him, in the instance where he was upset by my responses. Not that I take them back, just that I'm not trying to publicly call him to task on things he admits he could improve about himself. I'm still in his top 4, so he couldn't that mad, right? ;-)

Weary From the Weekend

I don't remember exactly when I noticed, but I'd say Thursday or so I started seeing "tracers" in my apartment. Realizing I've never done acid, I investigated further to find that there were fruit flys/gnats flying around the joint. I recognized them immediately from a previous run-in w/them, after my ex had "cleaned" the house at my provocation. He thought it would be a good idea to take two potatoes from the counter and tuck them away in a largely ignored kitchen cupboard. 8 weeks later, after we had both given up trying to locate how all those tiny little critters were getting into the house, and after I had finally stopped cleaning and re-cleaning the fridge due to catching putrid whiffs emanating from what I thought was the fridge, (By then I had waved my white flag by just getting some Glade plug-ins), I finally discovered the mess. Luckily my ex was there so that immediately after his sheepish response of "Oooooohhh yeahhhhhhhh……", he was the one retching and trying to clean up rotten potatoes while gnats swarmed his head; the kamikaze ones starting to dive-bomb his nose and eyes.

Anyway, since I'm the most culpable suspect, I try to think back to anything I could have left out. Sure, I needed to do the dishes, but it had not yet reached the level of "biohazard". I take the trash out about every 3 days or so, and the fridge hasn't held much more than beer and condiments since most of my cookware is in storage. Sunday I finally figured it out…my garbage disposal is…gunked, I guess. I mean, I don't think I've used it more than a few times, but I may have once come home a bit tipsy last week and figured shrimp would be fastest to cook, and maybe instead of throwing out the shrimp legs/shells/poo veins I stuffed them in the disposal. How was I supposed to know it was broken?!?! And no, surprisingly it wasn't as stinky was one might imagine, unless you're hovering over the sink, a position I do not often find myself in. But I'm still seeing the li'l critters that were born, and will die in my tiny apartment. Kinda sad, until I realized that I too might be in the same boat. Ha ha!

The weekend wasn't awful, but it didn't go according to plan. My friend Adalai ended up not coming to town after all, and my weekly attempt at tanning was almost thwarted by clouds. I did end going out w/a coworker named Dina on Thursday night, and that was fun enough, but you can't really cut loose when work is looming over your head the next morning. Friday I went out to dinner w/a former co-worker and was back by 10pm, and though I had kept mum about this, b/c it's pretty pathetic of me, I really wanted some company Saturday night b/c it was my ex's b-day. Why? Weellll, last year on my b-day he texted me, so I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to reciprocate. When we were together I used to tease him about not knowing exactly when his b-day was (he was in the "Everyone shall bow down and know it's my b-day" camp; I'm on the other side of the spectrum), so I was going to send him something like "NOW I remember your b-day" kind of thing.

But then another part of me, the really stubborn and still hurting over the betrayal of someone I once trusted so much part, really really REALLY thought it was a bad idea. I don't need to set any expectation, and that's exactly what reciprocating would do. Now we text each other on our respective b-days, next we wish each other well on Christmas, and before you know it we're sharing jokes, getting along, and dammit, judge me if you will, but I am NOT going to let that happen! I know, I know, that just gives someone more power over me, and how can I expect to find someone else if I can't let go of my hurt feelings for my ex, blah blah blah. (That "blah blah blah" part was the advice/counsel I was craving this weekend, which never came to pass.)

So Saturday was rough. Not only was I sad about being single, but I was also sad about not having any friends to share that night with. I could've gone to Austin to a party, but last time I stayed in Austin I felt awful about leaving Rootie by herself overnight (I leave her alone for 9 hrs each weekday, so why not 9 hrs during a weekend evening? I dunno, it just feels wrong), but also, I didn't want to get drunk and start texting. I needed to stay sober that night and make clear-headed decisions if I was to be alone. Ideally I would go out with someone I could talk to about the situation, so that we could face the night together. As we know, the latter did not occur, soooo what did I decide? Sighhhh…I did it. And he replied "Thank u. Hope ur doing well.", or something like that. So I watched a sappy movie and ended up crying so much that I freaked out when I looked in the mirror the next morning; I thought my old friend "pink eye" had caught up w/me again, but I just hadn't cried that hard in so long that I forgot the havoc sobbing wreaks on your eyes.

But, on the brighter side of things I did learn a few lessons.
1) I can't expect support if I don't ask for it.
2) I need to learn how to ask for support.
3) Guuurrrlll, I've got to get out in the mix. I'm not so unfortunate looking that I can't get a dating life going, I just need to try harder. OK, Oh-Kay: I just need to try.
4) I did get to drink Natty Light by the pool Sunday, and this morning I tried to wipe away dust from the tops of my feet. (They're not dusty, they're just tan!)

And this week I'm off to Corpus for the TASFAA Conference w/two of my coworkers. Can't wait to sleep on a real mattress, not the torture device my apartment complex calls a bed. You'd think that the THREE foam mattresses and TWO mattress pads would make it bearable, but we'd both be wrong in that assumption. This coming week I'm expecting to learn a lot, do some networking, and enjoy the time away from work. Yeah…get ready for some madcap hinjinks upon my return. :-)

Whiney Behiney (You've been warned!)

Today is my ex’s birthday. It’s funny b/c he used to remember all the dates; when we first met, the date we became bf/gf, when we decided, for all intensive purposes, that we'd moved in together. I used to tease him b/c I would never remember shit like that. Not that it didn’t mean anything to me, just that I sometimes got the months confused, or was off by a day or two. And now, two years later, I can’t seem to forget. So I wanted some affirmation. I wanted to know that despite the pain that relationship can bring, that they’re worth it all. I rented one of my favorite movies “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”. And this will mark the 2nd hr. of sporadic crying jags. Sighhhh…

I just…I just miss sharing my life with someone. I miss all those silly, stupid things two people who love each do together. Shawn and I were always quite modest when it came to bodily functions. We weren’t a couple who would pass gas, or even burp in front of one another. And sometimes, when we’d lie together I’d put my head on his bare shoulder, like I'd guess most couples do when they lie together. Then I'd make farting noises on his chest and arms, and we’d name each after characters or celebrities that would toot like that. Or he'd go "Do an elephant!" and I'd try my best to come up w/one that might match. We would just laugh and laugh. And one time I remember we were sitting on the bed talking, and Rootie was sititng b/w us. Suddenly she sneezed in his direction, and he did a back tumble like her little sneeze blew him clean off the bed. That still makes me laugh. And he’d always “steal” these little pecks, right when I wasn’t expecting them, then draw back and wiggle his head back and forth like he was proud that he snuck in a kiss while I was unaware. Just, stupid, stupid little shit. I miss it. I don’t even really feel human sometimes. Humans share themselves, they touch one another, they hold each together. I just go to work, worry about money, and get drunk. That’s not living.

I feel so confused. On one hand, I know that I’m always going to miss Shawn b/c I love him. Don’t get me wrong, Shawn and I had a FUCKED UP relationship. I could never have had children with him, and my family would not accept him. Not that he was bad, there was just this huge grey area between who he wanted to be and who he was, and all the lies he had to tell to make us both believe he was the person that he wanted to be was never going to change the reality of who he was. On the other hand, I know I wouldn’t miss him this much if I could just find someone else, but that’s easier said than done. He officially moved out in Jan ’06, and here it's coming up on Jan ’08. Why am I still here, crying about this like it just happened? Sometimes I feel like I’m still holding the fear of being hurt in front of me, and other times I tell myself the truth: I just haven’t found anyone…and no one has found me.

Questions For The Bored

1. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
This is a total cop out, but it’s true: Rootie. And even that is pushing it.

2. Who do you blame for your mood today?
Blame? Myself, of course.

3. Have you ever seen a dead body?
In the wild, no, but I've been to a few funerals.

4. What should we do with stupid people?
I’d need more specifics as to what “stupid” is defined as. I do have a hard time when I see ignorant people raising children, so we should take them all to get sterilized. (That's a joke.)

5. How long do you think you will live?
FOR-EV-ER!

6. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Checked out Rootie to make sure was sleeping peacefully.

7. The color of carpet in your bedroom?
Cheap berber

8. Who was the last person you went to eat with?
About 15 coworkers at Mamacitas. Every moment was GRUELING! Having to "act nice" is just not something in which I excel.

10. Are you spoiled?
Most definitely

11. Do you drink lots of water?
No, not “lots”, but I drink my fair share.

12. What toothpaste do you use?
Colgate! (Pronouced: cole-gah-tey)

13. How do you vent your anger?
Music, writing, and in rare instances, I’ll trash a room.

14. The last compliment you received?
“You complete me.” HA HA! I dunno….someone recently told me I have a firm handshake. ??

15. What are you doing this weekend?
I'm going to watch the latest Resident Evil movie, then tan by the pool Sunday morning.

16. When was the last time you threw up?
Last year’s Halloween party. I puked up red wine, which was a first, and I sincerely hope it will be a last. It wasn't the drinking that did it; I had no idea that if I drink wine, smoke a bunch of pot, then try to drink more wine, that my system will automatically go into reverse. Rookie mistake (made at the age of 30).

17. What theme does your room have?
I like to call it “Roman Orgy-Red Light Fantasy”. HA HA!
I got a couple of paintings on the wall, but that’s about it.

18. When was the last time you were at a party?
My friend Katie had a game night in Austin wherein not one game was played. I still had fun.

20. Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?
Depends on the day.

21. Would you ever join the military?
I can’t now…too old.

22. The last website you visited?
Yahoo News

23. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Uhhh…lately I’ve been taking pics of myself. Ahem. NEXT QUESTION!

24. How gay are you?
Huh? Happy/gay or homosexual gay? I’m 75% happy gay and 15% homosexual gay. I could do boobie stuff, but not sure sure I would enjoy "swabbing luna".

25. Last person you went to the movies with?
I like to watch movies by myself, but I did see one w/Katie waaaay back in March.

26. What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year?
Not sure yet. Weep in a dark room?

27. Number of layers on your bed?
Layers? Of stuff? Rootie’s blanket, some kibble and the remote. Does that constitute one layer?

28. Is anything alive in your room?
Yes

29. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
Forward a week. Not looking forward to a meeting w/bigwigs this Friday. I don’t want to say anything stupid, which means I’ll probably just stay quiet, thereby looking stupid. I just can’t win.

30. What are you looking forward to right now?
RENFEST!

31. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Today it’s silver.

32. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Nothing, that’s why I do these bullshit questionnaires; they render my mind completely blank.

33. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Uhhh- typing on my keyboard. No..honestly, I am.

34. Honestly, what did you do today?
Reading through a bunch of files to figure out what the hell this promotion is going to be about.

36. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Well, I made a fool out of myself to one of the new assistants. Damn, who the hell named her AMPARO? What kind of name IS that? (I called her campari, which if you google, is COMPLETELY different.)

37. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
Yup. I love the movie “Holes” and “Sky High”, and the cartoon “The Proud Family”, which are all on the Disney Channel.

38. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Yes, Rootie is home, asleep. Wish I was.

39. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Beer

40. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
No, but I sometimes chew on the skin around my nails if I’m REALLY nervous (but only if my hands are newly washed)

41. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
I’m a’right.

43. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. Had dreams about my Papo last night-AGAIN! He wasn't there, but I got a check in the mail for $300 which was something he left for me. ??

44. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
No one is hidden under the floorboards at my house or anything, but there are a few things I’d like to keep under my hat.

45. Honestly, do you love someone right now?
Of course.

46. Honestly, do you want a hug from someone right now?
Yes, a hug would be awesome right about now. I'll just have to settle for booze. Again.

47. Honestly, are you loyal?
Yes

48. Honestly, are you in denial?
About many things, I’m sure.

49. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
What am I, an idiot? Hell yes I’d rather be having sex right now!

50. Honestly, who is your best friend?
I got over that in middle school; I have many wonderful friends who are very dear to me, not just one bff.

51. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
Honestly- never while sleeping.

52. Honestly, do you like someone?
Like, yes. “In like”, no.

53. Honestly, does anyone like you?
Honestly, how could you not? HA HA!

54. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
Nope.