The Landslide Has Me Backsliding

WTF?! OK, so I’m having to deal with the sadness and disappointment of being single at 30, and this has led me to two major changes:
1. I’ve been crying a lot
2. I cannot sleep

Yesterday night, as I lay crying in my bed at 11:30pm, I decided to drink some wine (because I truly am a fucking idiot). I hopped on the computer to see what the whole chat thing was about. The only reason I ever got messenger was because I had been talking to Juan on it. Once upon a time he showed me how to sign up, and we used to use it to talk. OK, so I try a chat room, someone says “Hi”, and I freak out and leave. I then start reading blogs when I hear that someone has messaged me. It’s “Panther 4040”, and he says hi. Without thinking, I immediately respond that I’m new to messaging. We start “talking” when I suddenly realize that I’m talking to Juan under a different username. And what do I do? Carry on the ruse, baby!

It was actually pretty cool b/c I got to treat him like a stranger who I was soliciting advice from. Advice about this guy I had gone on dates with (which was him). Of course he was trying to trip me up by asking me questions I had already answered for him: “Are you into girls?” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Are you just dating anyone?”, and then he ramped it up a notch and logged on as “Tigre00040”, which is the username he previously used with me. (I KNOW! How I didn’t immediately recognize that he was the first guy who messaged me is beyond me, especially since I’ve not only seen his panther tattoo located in his groin area, but I’ve freakin’ KISSED IT! [The tattoo, not Wee Willy Winky.] I’m blaming it on the wine, but secretly I think it might be my tiny pea brain.) Now I’m talking to TWO Juans, where before I had not talked to one Juan for the past couple of weeks. The conversation was stiff, and didn’t really go anywhere. Of course, I immediately abandoned talking to “Panther” when Juan started- just shut off, so he knew that he was more important. Then Juan says “Bye” and Mr. Panther comes back. Panther and I then start chatting about a guy I had dated. That’s right. I’m talking to Panther about Juan, when in reality, Panther IS JUAN. (I don’t know how I get myself into such absurd situations!)

Like I said, it was good in the sense that we got to clear the air about what happened the last time we saw each other, and it felt like it ended on a good note. Why that is so important to me is a subject of much shame, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s just that I messed around with him so fast that I guess a part of me is not only trying to prove to him that I’m really not “like that”, but I’m also trying to prove it to myself. Yes, my cred. as a feminist has officially dwindled to negative 20.

And to top it off, Leslie left a message for me stating that Luis has popped the question. My single friend, poof! And a wedding now too?! Shit man, shit. Wait a sec, am I now one of those aging pathetic single ladies bitching and moaning about always being a bridesmaid and never a bride? Sigh… Fem cred just fell to negative 90.