Milk Milk, Lemonade. 'Round the Corner...

Once we realized we had not hit pooville after all, we were in a scramble to shut off the main water supply. I'm glad I had the foresight to show up, as no one else would have known where the main shut-off is. Eric made a quick run to Home Depot, replaced the punctured pipe, and we were back at square one. He promised to come back the next day w/his backhoe in order to try to find the septic. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said it was his mistake and so when we found the tank, he'd pump it and the charge would be the same. Having been screwed around by most every man ever to repair anything I have ever owned, I was swooning over Eric the Septic Man. (Not like THAT, he's married w/3 kids, but if he had a brother….) :-)

Next day I get a call at work from Eric who tells me his uncle, who has been emptying septic tanks for the past 20 years, went out to help him look/dig, but still no septic. At this point Eric suggests I hire plumbers to find it, as they have the equipment and expertise to follow the pipes. Once I find the tank, he'd be more than happy to empty it. Despite the fact that's it's late registration, the busiest time of year in our office, I took a half day off in order to do some research at the courthouse (just can't BELIEVE there's no record of it!), and to try to get someone out there.

The plumber I call was gracious enough to fit me in on short notice, and then I found out why. They sent TWO plumbers from San Marcos, and while their ad in the phone book boasts that they don't charge by the hour, the first thing out of Plumber 1's mouth is "We can either charge you by each piece of equipment we need to use to find it, or you can do an hourly rate. Since we'll need to probe the pipes, we'll use a device that has a camera on the end. I'm telling you right now, that will cost you $400 just for us to use. Then you're looking at being charged for the digging equipment." Under the pretense that it would take only a couple of hours, and knowing that they charge $165 per hour (!!!), I think I can do better w/the hourly rate. FOUR AND HALF HOURS LATER, and having missed the entire work day, they've finally uncovered a portion of the pipe that leads to the septic tank. The camera did not find it; just an old rotor rooter and the plumbers listening to where it was traveling underground. By the time they expose the pipe, I'm in $750. There is still no way to get the contents of the tank out, AND the plumbers do not empty septic tanks.

JR, lead plumber, tells me they can come back tomorrow to make a "clean-out" (connect a pipe to the tank which will allow us to clean it out), which will be $798, not counting the rental of a backhoe which normally goes for $400 but since I'm so friendly he thinks he can get away w/charging me only $200. (Yeah right, buddy...any thoughts of you doing me any favors went right out the window when you charged me $750 for finding a pipe.) So at this point I'm in $1,748 and I STILL need to get Eric to come back to empty it! By my count, this shin dig the girls threw is costing me $2,048. Or is it….?

I call Eric and explain that they've exposed the pipe. He says he'll make the clean-out and pump it for $475, backhoe included. One problem: the expensive guys will let me finance it, but Eric needs cash or check. I just spent my rent money (due on the 18th, mind you) on the plumbers who stated that payment could count as a down payment so that I'd only need to make two more payments w/in the next 90 days to pay it off. What's a girl to do? That's how I found myself on my knees Wednesday night after work, asking my grandma to spot me $400.

The work was done last night. Turns out the level in the tank was OK, but a bunch of roots had blocked the ability for "stuff" to get into the tank. The frequency of flushes from the girls and their guests brought out the problem as the drainage was happening so slowly; since before then it was just me, I never noticed it. OH, and even though I did get to pretend I was Nancy Drew or Encyclopedia Brown while looking through all the old records at the courthouse, it turns out the septic tank was exactly where the first plumber was probing, just 5 feet deeper than any other septic tank has been buried in the history of cesspits.

That morning, on another job, Eric broke his backhoe, which will cost him $4,000 to fix. Did he cancel my job? Nope, he rented a smaller backhoe and was at my house. He fished out the bundle of roots, pumped the tank, and discovered the showers have a separate pipe to the tank, which was also broken. He made a clean-out, customized it w/a y-bend pipe in order to accommodate whatever idea the maniacal fuck who put a stealth septic tank w/out a place to pump it from pulled out of his ass when he constructed the tank, and put all the dirt back. He was there from 3:00-8:30, and still only charged me $475.

I've decided that at some point in time I will need to name something that I love very much "Eric" in order to pay homage to this very honest, compassionate, generous Godsend of a man. And if anyone at all in this area needs a guy, or know someone who needs a guy…call King's Septic, (830) 708-7867.

What I now need to figure out is how to come up w/the rent and pet deposit by Saturday, my move-in date. By the way, because that is THE move-in date for everyone, and will be very busy, they will not accept credit cards. Sighhhhh…. "And for my next trick…."

Stay tuned.

(Not THAT kind of trick!)