Weekend Warrior

I've got the hoo-doo. In the past hour I have:

• Managed to dump a box of toothpicks into my stir-fry
• Spilled almost the entire bottle of newly purchased liquid antibiotics
• Knocked over a jug of cold water

Mayhaps the karma that is currently attacking was actually forged from my actions this weekend. What other farcical, soft core, beer fueled scene did I stumble through? In a complete departure from the past 3 weeks, I stayed home to clean and organize. ("Ohhh, you rebel you!" No wait, there's more)The logical progression of this act sometimes has me further organizing bits of my life. This weekend I chose to write a 7 page document outlining a few of the more disturbing executive decisions made in my office during my 5 year tenure. Of course w/accompanying documentation and e-mails, what kind of squealing, rat-fink stoolie do you take me for? I won't further delve into the how I got to this point, or what I expect from it, mostly b/c I'm bored as shit from working on it all weekend, but I will convey that while it does make me, at times, feel like a very small person, I know that it needs to be done. As the senior counselor, and with my paper-writing background, I owe it to myself and everyone else to try and change things. And if I mysteriously get run into a ditch by an unidentified driver, TELL MY STORY!

Besides writing what basically amounted to a tattle-tail term paper, I also took the occasion to reading all but the final 3 chapters of Huckleberry Finn, drank about 18 Natty Lights, smoked 1.5 cigarettes, took Rootie out at least a dozen times (her little legs make it impossible for her to traverse the 2 flights of stairs down to the lawns), picked up about 5 of her turds, and COMPLETELY blew my low carb diet by ingesting pad tai noodles on Friday AND Sunday (Thanks alot ERIC! Tai Tai = Yum Yum = Fat Ass). I further extended my long weekend because today, the Tuesday after Labor Day, was the first opening the vet had for Rootie's yearly dental cleaning. Despite the fact that I only feed her dry, crunchy, high-end dogfood ,along with a high-end food product specifically designed to keep a canine's canines healthy, they extracted 5 rotten teeth from her mouth today (hence the liquid antibiotics). I basically feel like a dog-abusing piece of shit who must surely pack her dog's mouth with cotton candy gauze before leaving for work each morning. I've resolved to feed her the soft, wet food she loves (if that 'spensive shit isn't helping, let her enjoy mushed up horse livers for the rest of her blessed little days), because I was misinformed when I read dry dog food will keep a dog's teeth strong and healthy. I've also taken to babying her (yes, it actually was possible to wrench it up a notch) due to my own self induced guilt, and contemplating purchasing a water pick for My Little. That and leash-training her, but let's not share ALL evidence that I've never been knocked up largely due to divine intervention today, shall we?

I also think I may have upset my friend Juan when I "snapped and told" of our cell phone exchanges a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps I am digging in too deep, but I wonder if he felt that what transpired was an indication that we were moving onto a more romantic kind of relationship. There needn't be much palavering on the topic as the only word that comes to my mind is: no. Before you think me a cold hard bitch, read this: Givin' Love to My Myspace Homies (The end of the second paragraph is where you'd want to start.)
Ok, all done now? All I can say is fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

And I will take my leave with one last development born of my self imposed reorientation this weekend. I was in the process of sorting my mail, which is currently extra annoying as I forwarded my mail from Seguin, am now getting mail in San Marcos, and am ALSO getting mail on behalf of the person who used to live here. (I really REALLY hope the local paper subscription runs out soon; there's only so much about Crystal City one could or should know.) Having recently changed insurance companies, I am also getting alot of mail that comes along with that, not only from other insurance companies who see me as sweet meat, but also the new company sending all of the wonderful reasons why I made a good choice (Yeah, ya got me already, I wrote the check. Stop hassling me!) But like any other God-fearing American, I felt the need to open all 5 pieces of correspondence they have sent to me in the past 2 weeks. And it's a good thing I did, for I just stumbled upon a five hundred dollar check made out to yours truly. Perhaps I am just making this more difficult than it needs to be, but it feels very irresponsible to cash a check when I have no idea where the money is coming from, or what cashing this check means to me. I mean, what if that's the check for my mortgage company? Or what if it's one of those tricksey checks where you cashing it constitutes a binding agreement where you are consenting to buy their bogus credit protection plan to the tune of $60 per month, forever and in perpetuity until you die?

I know I should give them a call as soon as I get in to work tomorrow just to make sure it's OK for me to spend, but last month's septic tank adventures caused me to get a short term loan to the tune of $400, and I had to borrow another $500 from my Mom. If that weren't bad enough, I still owe $200 in Seguin electricity for the month of July, and an additional $50 for the July water bill. I figure it'll all even out on its own sometime in November, but this $500 would really help things along. Or I could use it to enjoy the BEST HALLOWEEN EVER. Sighhh...