Whiney Behiney (You've been warned!)

Today is my ex’s birthday. It’s funny b/c he used to remember all the dates; when we first met, the date we became bf/gf, when we decided, for all intensive purposes, that we'd moved in together. I used to tease him b/c I would never remember shit like that. Not that it didn’t mean anything to me, just that I sometimes got the months confused, or was off by a day or two. And now, two years later, I can’t seem to forget. So I wanted some affirmation. I wanted to know that despite the pain that relationship can bring, that they’re worth it all. I rented one of my favorite movies “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”. And this will mark the 2nd hr. of sporadic crying jags. Sighhhh…

I just…I just miss sharing my life with someone. I miss all those silly, stupid things two people who love each do together. Shawn and I were always quite modest when it came to bodily functions. We weren’t a couple who would pass gas, or even burp in front of one another. And sometimes, when we’d lie together I’d put my head on his bare shoulder, like I'd guess most couples do when they lie together. Then I'd make farting noises on his chest and arms, and we’d name each after characters or celebrities that would toot like that. Or he'd go "Do an elephant!" and I'd try my best to come up w/one that might match. We would just laugh and laugh. And one time I remember we were sitting on the bed talking, and Rootie was sititng b/w us. Suddenly she sneezed in his direction, and he did a back tumble like her little sneeze blew him clean off the bed. That still makes me laugh. And he’d always “steal” these little pecks, right when I wasn’t expecting them, then draw back and wiggle his head back and forth like he was proud that he snuck in a kiss while I was unaware. Just, stupid, stupid little shit. I miss it. I don’t even really feel human sometimes. Humans share themselves, they touch one another, they hold each together. I just go to work, worry about money, and get drunk. That’s not living.

I feel so confused. On one hand, I know that I’m always going to miss Shawn b/c I love him. Don’t get me wrong, Shawn and I had a FUCKED UP relationship. I could never have had children with him, and my family would not accept him. Not that he was bad, there was just this huge grey area between who he wanted to be and who he was, and all the lies he had to tell to make us both believe he was the person that he wanted to be was never going to change the reality of who he was. On the other hand, I know I wouldn’t miss him this much if I could just find someone else, but that’s easier said than done. He officially moved out in Jan ’06, and here it's coming up on Jan ’08. Why am I still here, crying about this like it just happened? Sometimes I feel like I’m still holding the fear of being hurt in front of me, and other times I tell myself the truth: I just haven’t found anyone…and no one has found me.