Horrorscope for Saturday December 1st

"You're a wind buff, she's punk; he's sloppy, you're sporty. Normally you'd never consider dating someone so different, but today, you find this person absolutely mesmerizing -- likewise. What's one date? You have nothing to lose."

Got a date with the guy my friends refer to as "tattoo man" tomorrow. The cosmos are feeling a bit more optimistic than I am, mostly due to his teenage daughters (2) and his penchant for sending me dirty sophomoric texts. (I'd say I'll fill in the rest later, but I've been blogging each day for a month now and unlike Dooce, this isn't my day job.)

Give Me an OUNCE of REASON!

So I've got IPhone Fever and I've got it bad. I've had the same phone for two years now-a motorola 551-and I've been pining for a swanky phone for at least 4 years, but my good senses had reminded me how fast those items become obsolete, and how wasteful it is to spend money on such things, especially in light of the fact that I'm currently sacrificing my HOME and living in a freakin' DORM ROOM so that I can hasten the point of being debt-free. But my oh-my how I want one. I read alot about them today and though I know the technology will improve, I also know myself. There is no way in hell I would pay $500 for a phone, much less the initial pricetag of $600. Now that they're a leetle bit cheeper, I wonder if I would fare better by purchasing the first version and just upgrading, as I'm hoping Steve Jobs will allow for all those who shelled out the big bucks during the first go'round. OR, I may find myself one of the unlucky tech-mongers who ends up spending way too much money on the 3G phone, which is coming dear Lord, it just HAS TO!

Pant, pant, pant!

Nosey or Nice?

Weird day.... My friend Ed's mom apparently died over the Thanksgiving holiday, and one of our mutual friends called me today to let me know. So later on today I called Ed, but he never even told me that his mom was sick so I didn't really know how to approach the subject, y'know? And sooooo....I didn't. He didn't bring it up either. I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner tonight and he's going to call me back to see how he feels after his massage, but even if we don't have dinner we'll probably go to lunch this week and I just don't know what I should do. I'm kinda lying when I don't tell him that I know his mom has passed, but I don't want to get in his comfort zone when he hasn't offered up the info. ?????

Handsome Germs Are Still GERMS!

This afternoon one of my Casanova Juniors came into my office to ask me about his status. I’ve got a handful of these young studs who try to chat me up b/c they think that flirting w/the lady w/the power will help them out in some way. And for the most part they’re right, BUT I give ALLLLL students the line “You know where my office is, if you have any questions, feel free to come by.” Some choose to view that as an opportunity to get one-on-one counseling and others choose to think that with a little nudging, I’ll date/make out w/them. (As if; I'm too ethical for any of that "dating students" jazz) But this is one of those students. Anyway….he comes in and tells me he has a cold, blah blah, we’re talking about Thanksgiving, and he STILL has not fulfilled one of the requirements, so while I’m working on his file he calls his mom on his cell and HANDS ME THE PHONE! Even though he KNOWS he has a cold! What a tool!

I’m so scared that I’ll get sick this coming month b/c I have so much riding on my work performance in the next 5-6 weeks. I won’t be able to take any sick time off, which would REALLY suck b/c I’ve got 350 hrs of sick time just sitting there waiting to get absorbed by the state when I don’t use it. Stupid young Latin Lotharios. That’s it. Tonight my bedtime is 10:00 pm.

Delayed Reaction

I’m just about all blogged out, especially after today. But I never got a chance to gloat about the Aggie win this weekend!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Sunshine DAY!

Last Sunday of NABLPOMO, or in non-dork terms, posting every day. YEAH! This blog is getting too whiny and personal, even for me! Today I haven’t done much and am currently attempting to pamper myself as much as possible in preparation for the work week ahead. I’ve given myself a pedicure, a facial, and I’m now doing my nails. Ahhh…and drinking some Guinness to compliment this cold, dreary day. Hopefully when the week gets stressful, as I’m sure it will, I can hearken back to this day and remember that other days like this will be just around the bend. (Guinness is LOVELY, isn’t it?)

I Pity The Fool! (The Fool in the Mirror)

Wow. That was definitely top 5 worst date ever. First of all, there were a few things about him that I conveniently forgotten, such as his s l o w story-telling, and his agreeing to everything you say, which is normally an indication of understanding. This guy then plays himself out by relaying the same concept about 7-10 minutes AFTER you’ve already talked about it! It was like going out on a date with Forest Gump. Oh yeah, and I had thankfully dumped out of my memory a story he told me where he took it upon himself to teach his cousin a lesson b/c she wasn’t spending enough time taking care of her two dogs. So, he shot them. (!!!!!!!) If that wasn’t disturbing enough, after one of them was shot, the other tried to run away, and he proceeded to give me details about how he hunted it down. Of course I was giving him all sorts of verbal and non-verbal cues that the story was disturbing me, but he wouldn't stop. I finally had to tell him to STOP, looked him in the eye, and then had to say “I really do not want to hear about that story anymore because it upsets me.” To which he dutifully agreed, and went to the next topic like he had just been relaying the new colors in his redecorated bathroom.

This time around wasn’t much different. It took about 10 minutes for all this to come flooding back and realizing that I had made a HUGE mistake. So the meal goes forward, and it’s a mom & pop joint, so the bill came about 5 minutes after our meals were presented. At no point in time does he motion for the bill. Y’know, I’m not one of those chicks who goes out for an evening with my drivers license and five bucks in my purse; I always make sure that if I’m out, I have enough money to cover myself, but the very gesture is a sweet one. There’s a hint of generosity, and even some amount of chivalry when a guy takes care of you for an evening. This guy hasn’t come to that point of understanding. When we got up to leave, I had to take the check were I proceeded to ask the cashier to split the bill. I'm nice, but not so nice as to pay for this guy's meal when it was never even my idea to go out in the first place.

So the meal has taken an hour and half, and I’m ready to bounce, but he keeps wanting me to go to his house to watch a freakin’ movie! He had mentioned "his land" many many times, and how he needed to purchase some livestock so that he could get some tax break, so there was just no way in hell I was going to become a missing person’s statistic. When I jokingly told him this he said that he was talking about his “real” house, which was in a neighborhood in Luling. This made a little more sense because before then he had told me how everyone had met at his house for Thanksgiving, which was a pain for him b/c he had to clean his house from top to bottom beforehand.

It’s still pretty early in the day, so I did agree, but I made sure to take my own car and followed him to his house in Luling. When we got there I noticed a lot of cars in the driveway, which took me aback a bit. We’re walking up the path, he’s got this shit-eating grin on his face (yes...whatever, you won; I'm going to your house), and I ask him if he still lives with his parents, because he has made NO MENTION of this during any conversation that I’ve ever had with him, and has referred to “his place” many many MANY times. So I had to meet his mom and Dad, and then he ushered me into his room. Basically I’m a 31 year old woman who’s about to watch a movie in a guy’s room while his parents decorate the living for Christmas -flashbacks to being 16 years old ensue. A room, I might add, that only contains a king-sized bed and a TV snuggled into a corner. I don’t know where this fool keeps his clothes (that his mother washes for him, no doubt), but I had to open the door two times (he turned out the lights, put on the ceiling fan, then closed the door within seconds of me picking out a movie), made it a point to sit on the bed in the furthest spot from him, and was out of his room by the time the rolling credits hit the top of the screen.

That is IT!!!! Ice queen may have to come out of retirement because I’m just appalled at myself for having spent 6 hrs and about $30 on having a shitty time with a guy who hasn’t quite made it up the step on the evolutionary ladder where normal conversations are a part of his repertoire. I had come to a point where I started to feel like shit for being so mean to men, but at least I didn’t have to go through things like this! I’m having a beer to release the tension in my shoulders, and I’m taking this as a learning moment: NO MORE PITY DATES, EVER!!!

Trust is a Must

The time has arrived. I can no longer stave off seeing Sammy. I’ve ignored calls, texts, and given him more excuses than I’d like to admit, but today I’m meeting him for some Chinese in Seguin. I shouldn’t be so dramatic, it’s not like he’s a creep or a bigot or anything, just that it’s work to keep the conversation moving forward. And the fact that his most favorite answer is “Uhhhhhhhhhh, weeeeeeeeeelllllllll………. I dunno………” doesn’t really help either. Last time we went out he wore colored contacts (green to be exact), which is lame but not unforgivable. The kicker is that he only wore one. No joke! And it wasn’t some kind of homage to Marilyn Manson or anything, one was bothering him so he took it out. I am by no means a fashion maven, and though I am fortunate enough to not need contacts or other visual aids (yet), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if I were in a similar situation, I’d swallow my pride and defer to glasses. On the “lame-ass” scale of 1-10, wearing glasses doesn’t even register while wearing only one colored contact is at least a 7.

And in other news, I’ve decided that I need to stop being so hard on myself with this whole “once bitten, twice shy” thing I’ve got going on w/the web hottie. Trust (or mistrust) has been the central focus of allllllll the fears that have guided my largely celibate and singular existence up to this point. This is the part I need to come to terms with. I need to start taking risks, enjoy these freefalls, and put them into context of lessons I can learn about life and about myself, even if they don’t work out for me. And that's another thing, who's to say it won't work out for me? I mean, I’m not giving out my ATM PIN, or subsidizing any trips to Aruba w/strange men, I’m just making a commitment to being more open and available. (Not too available…if Sammy thinks he’s getting even to first base, he’s got another thing coming.) :-)

Day After Thanksgiving

....oup, oyster stuffing, and giblet gravy. :-) As you can tell, yesterday was quite a busy day. Thanksgiving was fun! A few games were played, I met a lot of people, got to see old faces again, ate some great food and had an all-around good time. I also got a chance to talk to my web hottie yesterday, though I'm still on the fence w/that one. We've been texting more, and I'm finding myself enjoying talking to him more and more. What I mean by "on the fence" is a bunch of unfounded suspicions I cultivated the other night. No more weirdness has ensued, and I'm just nervous that I'M the one w/the problem. At the moment we're not doing anything but talking and I may be so far out in left field w/my suspicions the other day that I'm hesitant to bring it up. We've been talking now for about 3 weeks. I'm thinking that accusing him of soliciting affections from women who would unknowingly commit adultery (if that's even possible), probably isn't the best way to start things. So for now I'm going to go forward and see how it plays out.

This afternoon I've done nothing, which has been nice. Sorry to see that LSU lost today, but I'm hoping A&M will pull out a win today. I haven't gotten much sleep in these past few days, not including the depressive state of affairs I've been juggling at work. I'm thinking I'll try my best to stay awake as long as I can so as not to wake up fully rested at 2am, and plan the rest of my weekend from there.

Happy Thanksgiving

Whew, I made it! Ok...gotta go now. :-) I'm actually in my office waiting for a coworker so that I can unload a shi tzu puppy for my cousin. Wait...what? YUP, I'm an idiot! Not b/c I'm lending a helping hand to others today, but because I've been cooking from 8pm until 11pm, then up again at 5:30 am until now. I've got a turkey, stuffing, baked potato s

P.S.A.

If you’ve had a shitty day at work and decide to drink 6 bottles of Tecate beer w/lime wedges, do NOT then eat a Tostinos canadian bacon pizza at 10:30pm. Just trust me on this one.

Thoughts are Flowing Like a Riiiiii-iiii-ver....

Drinking my dinner tonight. This week has just been such a roller coaster! First I’ve got this cool, new guy to talk to, and though I am a woman of 31 (and three-quarters), the 13 year old in me just leaps out and starts thinking what life would be like if this guy is really “the one”. I'm not naming nonexistent children or anything, but just shit like 'Wow, maybe we could go to the coast!" and "Where would we spend New Year's Eve?". Then he starts acting shady and I feel like such an IDIOT (once again) for having faith in strangers. Strike that-strange MEN who are holding themselves out to be interested in finding a serious relationship.

Then, it’s that time of year again when the IRS needs seasonal employees to help during the big tax push that is approaching. I go to the session and just having a good time all around. This may seem really strange (or pathetic), but this work orientation had me in such a good mood! It’s just that so many people get shy when they’re introduced to a room full of strangers, but I don’t. I’m not that dumbass who asks a bunch of questions and takes advantage of this ready-made captive audience, but I’m just good at putting people at ease by being my friendly self. And that made me feel so good. 20 minutes later I’m back at my crap job where I’ve been told to hire a temp, but am getting NO HELP as to how to do this (and it’s important not to haul off and make my own decisions, b/c you can bet that anything amiss will be taken out of my ass if I do it wrong), then the director’s secretary comes in and asks “Where is it on our website that you have to be admitted by the scholarship deadline?” and my response (at the end of this shitty day) is “Is it already time for those nutbags to come out?” [Do you think a large university is going to NOT cover their ass and post everywhere they can that in order to be considered for scholarships you must be admitted first, which is the SAME requirement made of EVERY large university in this state?] I was then told by the secretary who had walked into my office that she was wearing a headset, and that the person awaiting the answer (the nutbag) was listening. Can I make ONE decent decision?! \

And with this whole scholarship thing; this is a HIGHLY political process which is a very important tool for recruiting and getting our enrollment numbers up. How much training have I had? Not one planned meeting. Not ONE! I realize I’ve been in this office for the past 5 years, but I have not had a hand in this process in the past 2 years. The woman who previously held my position was scheduled to meet w/the Assoc. director every afternoon (4 hrs) for an ENTIRE WEEK. I’m not getting the benefit of any of that. And the really fucked up thing is that I can’t ask for the help b/c that will only cause me more problems. At present there’s this “Just ask for anything you need” kind of mentality. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS B/C YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? Guess we’ll all find out.

And so here I sit w/my 6 pack of Tecate (bought b/c I remembered I had a lime in the fridge w/no other earmarked purpose), munching on banana chips and considering what I should be packing for my short trip home tomorrow. Not so much in the clothes dept (I can pack for a week’s trip in about 20 minutes), but since I’m making the turkey at my Dad’s I have to make sure I remember all the groceries I bought. Can you imagine me having to brave the stores, THEN having to deal with enough celery to fell a small rabbit in the coming weeks? Happy thoughts…and another Tecate. I’ll be OK.

Add "Men" to the "SUX List"

Feeling icky. OK, so I’ve been talking w/the web hottie for a few days now, and I realize that with this kind of thing you’ve got to be really mindful of the fact that people can purport to being any number of things. You just have to take a leap of faith when accepting some stranger’s word on face value. Having said that, things started getting a little sketchy this past weekend. We checked out each other’s myspace pages and his has a completely different name on his myspace than the one I know him as. He said it was due to keeping his privacy, which I understand, but that’s why many people use web handles, like “Rrroja” or “MsCopperhead”, but most people don’t use actual names of other people to disguise themselves, y’know. I’m pretty sure that when someone sees my web name they’re not banking on the fact that it’s my true name, and I’m not really comfortable with someone who does misrepresent who they are in that way. Also, he asked me to be a contact for his Yahoo IM, and the same name that was on his myspace account shows up there too. Again, he assures me that I know his true given name. (But he has yet to give me his surname….)

Then yesterday I notice that he’s started calling me while he’s on his way to different places, which is a peeve of mine but it also gets me to thinking. Last night he said he was going to his friend’s house b/c he just always goes there Mondays to watch football. He gives me a call afterwards and when I ask the score he states that they didn’t actually watch the game b/c:
-His friend wanted to talk to him
-The “other” guys were rushing him out b/c they didn’t want them to watch it at their place.

????????????

I relayed that he already told me it was this standing Monday night tradition, and he starts trying to back-peddle his way out of it. That’s not the kicker: he’s driving home, he goes to a convenience store to buy a coke, he arrives home and sits in his car to talk to me, under the pretense of devoting his total attention to me, to make up for the convenience store thing (‘cause you know I said some shit when the call is breaking up the entire time, THEN he tells me to ‘hold on’ while he talks to the clerk as he’s making his purchase). Yes, things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

Lastly, I ask him if he texts much, b/c I know he IM’s (as relayed above) and he’s got Bluetooth and a Blackberry, so I figure I can text him a picture. He says that he hasn’t “set it up” to see pics yet, but I should e-mail the picture to him. This is huge to me. The reason I found out about my ex’s shenanigans was b/c of the phone bill, and not b/c I was snooping around but b/c there were SOOOO MANY TEXTS to that chick, at all hours of the day and night. The phone company lists them out one by one, and it’s really tough to justify 30+ texts you’re sending to a chick every night after midnight for weeks, ya feel me? All I know is that one of my students has a piece of shit PDA, off brand from when they first came out, and THAT can send and receive pics, so why can’t this guy, who has a Blackberry, do it too?

At the end of the call I was pretty disgusted, so I half-heartedly grunted when he said he’d talk to me tomorrow, and cut him off short w/the disconnect. I don’t know if he realizes the jig is up, but I’ve got some shit to deal with. If he does call back I’ll have to tell him how I feel, I just hate being the nutty jealous person, y’know? Then again, I told myself that way back when, and I was right; I wasn't the only person in my ex's life. They say a women’s intuition is usually right. Back to the old drawing board.

“Now serving psycho-jerk number 1258….. “

Bulletins on Myspace do SO Count!

If I looked on your bed, what would I find?
Nail polish bottles, dog treats, and Rootie’s brush.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Open b/c I’m the only one in my apt.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
Socks “folded” in on themselves, but I don’t fold my chones. Who's got time for that shit?

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Love love LOVE to sleep on my stomach with my hands underneath the pillow. Sighhhh…(wish I was doing that right now)

Are you a cuddler?
Made, not born! But yes, I am.

What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Errant pens and Q-tips. (not used ones!)

Something that happened today that made you angry?
People seem to be grouchy today. I don’t like it when folks are shitty to you just b/c they're in a bad mood.

What were you doing before this survey?
Contemplating aaaaallll the shit I have to do and feeling like I have no help.

What will you do after this survey?
Further contemplate aaaaalllll the shit I have to do, and lament the fact that I feel as if I have no help. (And maybe get a 6 pack from HEB.)

Marriage or living together?Meh…

What are you wearing right now?
Chocolate brown skirt, peach top, brown Bostons.

How many times have you been in love?
Well, it all started with Jonathan from New Kids on the Block…

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
Sometimes, if I'm bored.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Depends on who I’m with.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Yep.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Make sure Rootie is A-OK.

Last person you told you love them?
The folks or my grandma.

sneeze with your eyes open or closed?
Isn’t it physically impossible to keep ‘em open when you’re sneezing?

Bite or lick?
I’ll stick w/licking, though I like to nibble.

Last argument you got into?
Why I won’t go to Chipotles b/c it’s owned by McDonalds, but I will go to McDonalds.

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No.

Whats one thing about your best friend?
She needs a haircut. As I was relaying to Katie, she looks like a cotton ball dipped in iodine.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Sometimes, if I’m very tired.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
YES! But just for a weekend.

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
singlesnet.com (This world is against me, I SWEAR!)

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Thanksgiving, and figuring out what my plans will be for New Years.

When will you turn 50?
Too soon, I’m sure.

Are you ticklish?
Very.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Anywhere drinkin’ beer with a friend (or two).

What song are you currently listening to?
Some indie stuff playing on Launchcast.

Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Not “blacked out” but just fallen out from exhaustion, definitely.

If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do?
I don’t know….get angry, that is certain.

What makes you laugh?
Simpsons

Who's the best Spice Girl?
n/a

What time is it?
Time to go HOME!

Sticky Icky

Had A run in w/IT today. The shitty part is that I was joking around, but the woman who had been running the meeting for a good 20 minutes already asked me directly:“Is there a way that we can help you with this issue?” And since the whole thing was for them to update our deposit log, I guess I just didn’t know exactly what she wanted, so I said “I thought that’s why we were all here today.” BUT I WAS JOKING! To a room full of strangers. Who then thought I was a dick. Sighhhh…. For all the smack I talk about having the strength to be single, I could really really REALLY use a hug today.

Sunday, Sunday

I’m talking a lot to the guy I met from the web, and things appear to be going well. Although I really do enjoy talking w/him I can’t help but feel that I am but one in a number of women he’s conversing with, mostly because he’s got such a charismatic and playful personality, and that puts doubts in me regarding his longterm intentions. But I know I’ve just got to squelch those feelings, not get too hopeful, and just be myself until this thing gets ridden out. Not to say that in a negative way because “riding this out” may lead to 2 kids and a minivan (shudder), or it could mean a wacky weekend in a hotel somewhere and not much more. I just need to try my best to be open to the future, and be prepared for either eventuality.

I've also discovered that my lower back pain is back with a vengence. On the one hand it's kinda cool that my body has this kind of internal shut-off which comes into play when I hit a certain weight. I'm not clear on what number that is b/c usually by the time stop caring enough to gain more weight, the LAST thing on my mind is weighing myself. But rest assured that I could not ever turn into one of those shut-ins that have to be cut from their homes b/c my back would not allow it. It's only been hurting for about 5 days now and I've already taken some action on addressing the issue. This morning I awoke at 9am so that I could use the walking track around the hospital, which is across the street from apt. complex. I really hope I can commit to the endeavor, which will take about 30-45 minutes a day. The only part that might throw me is Rootie, because I want to make sure that I take her out when I get home from work, but she expects me to stay home when I get there. If not, she howls, which probably won't go over so well w/the neighbors. Eh...she'll get used to it, I'm sure.

And I was able to recreate my bonfire bottle, which I had previously broken a while back. (I may have blogged about this last night, but I was drunk and don't remember.) In any event, it's looking fine and better than ever! I just hope I never break it again b/c goldschlager and apple juice is one disgusting way to spend an evening.

Tomorrow is the day, it'll be just me in the office. In one way I'm looking forward to it, but in other ways I'm nervous that it'll be stressful. Though this weekend did make a dent in my current stress levels, I really want to ride out this week before the shit really hits the fan next month. The scholarship deadline is December 1st; that'll be the beginning of the end for me in the next oh....4 months of heavily scrutinized, visible and highly political processes that I've been placed in charge of. Can hardly wait!

Bonfire Bottle Pt. Deux

Tonight I'm watching "Transformers" for the first time. THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS! I dunno why I always feel like a 19 year old inside, and I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that this movie ROCKS!

Tonight I'm drinking alone b/c I accidentally broke my old "bonfire bottle" waaaaay back from my Aggie days. It fell off the fridge and made me very very sad. I shortly had the idea to simply buy another small bottle of Goldschlager and put my bonfire ashes back in there, and that's what I'm doing tonight. Since I'm not much for liquor I'm mixing it w/apple juice. I'm thinking I should've just shot it, b/c now I've got about 8 cups worth of this apple juice/goldschlager mix that's making me want to urp. Sighhh.....

Funky Friday

YES! The week is DONE! I have been so grumpy all day long b/c I just feel so burned out from work. I'm sure I was not fun to work with today, but I was open about this w/my coworkers and let them know I just needed to get through this last day of the work week because today, (finally), MY WEEKEND begins! I don’t have anything going on other than sleeping late and keeping my nose clean. Just can’t wait!

The Chorus Line was OK. I honestly thing they were a little too ambitious in taking charge of finding nearly 20 Texas State students who could sing, dance, AND act. They found 2 that could, another 5 that could do it well enough, and the rest were just out there sucking at one thing or another. That made it difficult to get into the story. As soon as I got home last night I turned my phone on to find that my web hottie is nottie (he didn’t call) but my old pal Juan was once again phoning it in. You see, I hadn’t heard from my friend Juan since he punked out on me for Renfest, which you can read about here. It’s upsetting to me b/c he only calls when he needs emotional support, yet he doesn’t provide me with the most basic of friendship building blocks: trust that he won’t stand me up when we make plans. I don’t think I’m that big of a pain in the ass to hang out with, so I don’t really “get” why it’s such a big deal to go through with plans to chill with me, but I do get why he calls me when he’s sad, and just as George Michael and his counter part “the other guy” from Wham! So eloquently stated: “You’ve shown me you can take, you’ve got some giving to do.” I was nice to him, we talked for a while, but things aren’t the same. Nor should they be, he’s burned me many many times through the years, so we’re never really going to go forward with anything deeper than a chat here and there. Meh. Could be worse.

AWWWW MAN! I just got up to go to the bathroom and that guy called! He didn’t leave a message though. Should I call him back? I HATE THIS!

Ain't Nuthin' Goin' On But the Rent

Just spent the past 9 hours in our Executive retreat with 6 people who really don’t want me on their team. The good thing is that I’ve been able to put my thumb on why. I mean, I’ve always had a general sense of why I was never going to be “one of the gang”, but I’m the kind of person who knows that life is an ever-changing and ever-evolving process; I'm open to the notion of change, (i.e.if I learn that others think I’m a tool, I’m going to try to be less of a tool). And lately I've been second guessing myself b/c I see how content everyone on the executive team is, and I sometimes get this wave of "What if the real problem is you?". But now I get it. My director doesn’t like me b/c I am not a proponent of keeping the status quo, and I do not kowtow to bullies. The difficult part for me is knowing how ineffective I am in this position. Other ideas are viewed with an openness that is suddenly obfuscated when my voice hits their ears. If I had one shred of respect for those who are most determined to let this be known to me, it would bother me greatly. Currently, I ain’t sweatin’ it.

In other news, Ed texted me around 3 telling me that we have reserved seats for tonight’s play, which means I’m going. Not for my sake, but I don’t want to punk out on Ed. Every part of me wants to shower, plunk down on my bed and paint my nails while watching Discovery and be asleep by 10, but I can’t. I’m a little nervous that my most recent suitor will call me while I’m at the play. I’m hoping he’ll call me before so that I can let him know I’m not avoiding his call. Se la vie!

T-Minus 6 Days 'Till The Giving of Thanks

Bought a turkey! That’s right, for the first time ever I’m going it alone on Thanksgiving and am making my first turkey all by myselfee! Yes, a bit scared b/c those I’ll be serving are going to be relative strangers, meaning that they won’t be as forgiving as say, family members if I goof this up, but as an added measure I am also doing this in my teeny tiny kitchen, miles and miles away from all of my kitchen gadgets and much needed space. My Dad has offered to have me use his kitchen, but I’m not so sure…seems too much ilke cheating. Dad and I make a turkey, two kinds of stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and at least one green dish (spinach salad, green beans) every year. I won’t feel like I’ve really feel like I’ve done it myself.

In other news, finally talked to one of the guys from the dating website; so far so good. He talks…a lot, but he’s not stupid, has a good sense of humor, and doesn’t take himself too seriously. I don’t much care for him calling me “Beautiful” b/c I’d like to know that he recognizes who he’s actually talking to (no really, some guys call everyone “Sweetie” just to avoid dealing w/the whole calling out the wrong name issue), but other than that, I’m really looking forward to talking to him again.

I’m a little nervous that I’m becoming more of a homebody. Lately it just seems like I’ve been out doing crap and just on the go a lot. The job is busy, I went to Renfest, then Wurstfest, then out to dinner w/Mel, traveled to Seguin b/c my mom was in town, out to dinner w/Ed, then tonight I had to drive to Seguin again for Rootie's shot and it was my grandma's birthday today, and now Ed invited me to see “A Chorus Line”, which I don’t mind doing, I just kinda….want to be home and not have to do anything else for a solid block of time. When I think about it, it’s not really all that much, and I should feel fortunate to not be doing the whole zombie-dance of home-work-home-work-home thing. I’m just realizing that I need the decompression time whereas I don’t think I needed that as much when I was younger. I’m hoping this weekend will prove to be relaxing one.

Next?

Busy day. Too busy. Actually, it’s my own fault that it went south; I had a 3 hour block in the morning that I unwisely decided to fritter away on the interweb. Then it all hit the fan. My project was to make a timeline that will be given to our highest ranking new students. I did that. My new boss asked to have me submit the draft to her instead of the team, for her consideration. She turned it into something I would NEVER submit to anyone, much less all the higher-ups. I was lamenting this fact to my former supervisor who stated that all of our publications went through an iterative process, and that my boss would have a better grasp of what is being asked of us, and that she would present and defend it to the group. It made me feel much better. One hour later I was told to fwd the draft to the bigwig group and ask if any changes were needed. !!!!!!!!! FUCK ME! Sighh….

I just got promoted and am newly supervising 2 staff members. The problem is that our office has a vacation policy whereby we have to submit vacation requests before the semester begins, and both of my coworkers have had time approved by their previous supervisors, which just all around sucks for me. They both have the entire week of Thanksgiving off, which puts me in the hot seat. The extra $400 per month is NOT cushioning the daily shit I’m getting knocked around with.

Tonight I’m off to meet my friend Ed for dinner and wine. He just got back from a cruise and I’m off to hear all about it. OH, and one of my web hotties gave me a call and I’m not sure whether or not to call him back tonight. I’m just tired and don’t think I’d be in a good frame of mind to meet someone new. We’ll see…

I Scream

I wrote this on June 11, 2007:

1. My former roommate's cousin has a crush on me. I've known this for awhile but I was able to wiggle out by saying I didn't feel I could date someone related to my roommate, b/c if things went south it would be uncomfortable. Well…no more roomie and no excuses. Why am I trying to make excuses? He's a nice man, but just not as…cerebral as I'd like. It's tough to talk to him b/c the cylinders are firing at a slower rate, and that matters to me. A lot. Went on date, had a nice time, but there are two problems:
a. Apparently he has a history of getting wasted and getting into fights. I have never EVER been in a physical altercation-the notion is completely foreign to me, so that is never going to fly, and yes, it's a deal breaker. I just can't respect that, and I certainly won't tolerate it.
b. He let me pay for my drinks. HE asked me out, HE paid for dinner, but when we went out afterwards and I slapped down my debit card to start a tab, he didn't stop me. I don't know how all that is supposed to work (I wanted a beer and my first instinct is to get one. Am I supposed to ask "Can I have a beer?" I dunno…) but I think he should have refused. I'm not funny w/money, all my friends know this, but a date is different. (Am I wrong here?)
I gotta get out of this. How long do I date him? Should I dodge him? Maybe I should just date him, but is that fair to him? I know it's not going anywhere but how do I tell him this?

l

End of post. A bit puzzled that I felt the need to justify more reasons to not date a guy who's kinda slow, but whatever. Fast forward to last week. That same guy, Sammy, had posted a bulletin at 1:20am which read:

We all must die some time, some sooner than others.................

And 20 minutes later came the follow-up:
TO ALL I HAVE ON MYSPACE, I WILL BE CLOSEING MY PAGE IN A DAY OR TWO.... EVERYONE BE SAFE AND TAKE CARE......

I’ve never gone through suicide training, but this seemed like a pretty blatant cry for help to me. So I e-mailed him and asked him how he was and told him not to be a stranger. (This is relevant as my current problems stems from THAT very action.) This past Friday he called my cell and we talked a bit, and even made tentative plans to do something the Friday following Thanksgiving, but it was giving me some pause that his initial offer of seeing a movie suddenly changed to me going to his “land” and watching some DVDs. Ahhhhh-no. But no matter, the plans are tentative, and I can’t imagine doing something as stupid as that. I didn’t really think much of this conversation until Saturday. The reason? Since that one phone call he has texted me no less than 9 times. NINE TIMES! At first I was game, and was just taking this on the friendly gesture level. Last night I got a “Goodnight. Sleep good.” Text at 10pm and this afternoon I got “Hope u had a good day. What’s up” at 4pm. I’m not good at what comes next. I’ve got to let him know that I’m not interested in “that” way without feeling like a tool. Is that even possible?

And in addition to this fool tomery, I’ve got the ice cream hankers! This weekend I bought some Ben and Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake, then today I went in for a pint of coffee toffee as well! And I’m not even that big a fan of ice cream. Usually it’s like Smarties or Sweet Tarts- I had a "take ‘em or leave ‘em" kind of attitude, but there are certain times when I just really want ice cream, and I guess that time is now. I even e-mailed a comment to the Ben & Jerry’s website; did you know there are NO chunks of cheesecake in the strawberry cheesecake flavor? What the hell am I paying premium prices for, if it’s not to really clog my arteries w/some outrageously unhealthy dessert within a dessert? I got so disenchanted that I still have more than half the pint left, so maybe that’s why I unexpectedly grabbed another pint today. (I was at the grocery store to purchase a b-day banner for one of my office-mates, and suddenly, there I was in the freezer aisle!) I hope so. I got enough to contend with, what with the inert lifestyle and my penchant for beer drinking.

Sunday

Cool:
Got to catch up w/my folks
Met my mom’s new puppy (she’s a cutie)
Dad wants to take me the Gingerbread Man in Austin
Mom suggested I give one of their twin beds to Katie instead of letting her use my king sized bed. (!!!!!)
I helped my uncle Tony paint his living room, which is cool b/c he helps me all the time.

Drool:
Rootie is sick of her treats, so it’s getting tougher to make her take her daily dose of prednisone
I left my apt. around 8am and didn’t get back until 6pm, so my Sunday wasn’t very restful
I learned my ex (and only former bf) is getting married.

Beer and Babies

Didn’t do too much damage at Wurstfest after all. Weeeeellll, actually I spent about $80 in the 4 hours I spent there. It was $8 to get in, $5 to park, and I bought 2 pitchers ($34), and contributed $7.00 to another pitcher, a Wurstkabob for $4.50, a Rueben for $5, and a bag of candy-coated almonds for $10. I came home w/6 bucks. Two things:

1.) I HATE it when people are funny about money! Of the 6 initial folks that drove down together there were 3 of us who drank beer. My thoughts are that we each buy a pitcher and share, only b/c no one wants to buy a full pitcher of beer and sit in front of it, nor do we all want to buy the beer at $5 per cup. But there are those people who get this “I’m not spending $17 and having others drink my pitcher.” It ruins my time when I hear people say “I owe for the beer.” That’s why I ended up spending so much money on beer. People woulnd’t ante up, and quite frankly, if I want a beer, I’m going to go buy some. Consequently, I ended up spending a lot of money on beer for everyone. One of them even wanted to pay me for gas! I was freakin’ going to Wurstfest regardless of their company, so why the hell would I charge someone to tag along? This actually should’ve been my first indication that it was going to be funky.

2.) Before the drink had a hold on my good senses, there were two times I had to hold back tears. I'm telling you, this baby fever thing truly is back. We were in one of the tents listening to a band that was partially oompa, but also modern. They started playing "Surfing USA" by the Beach Boys and this whole family goes out to the front and they all begin dancing together. The mom had the youngest girl in her arms, and the dad was dancing with his two other daughters, as they wiggled their heinies and jumped around with glee. It was a beautiful sight and still gets me a little misty-eyed because I just don't have faith that I'll ever have that, and it makes me very very sad. The second time was moments later when they did "Brown Eyed Girl". A new daddy had his daughter in his arms, she was probably 10-14 months old, and as he's out there with his daughter he's singing the song to her and you can just see in his eyes the reverance he had for his little girl. Such a strong bond that the love just radiated from his body. It was just beautiful to see, and there again the pity party sets in.

More on that later b/c I'm just about to leave for the evening. Tonight my friend Katie, with a sudden interest in hanging out that not so coincidentally began last week when she asked to borrow my bed, is coming to town (20 minutes away from where she lives), and we’re having dinner and a few drinks. I spoke with mutual friends and both of them were like “DO NOT LET HER BORROW YOUR BED”. Their grand idea is to tell her someone else has it. ?? Not only do I suck at lying, but that lie is particularly flimsy. Hopefully once I get a few drinks down I’ll let her in on my reservations. Stay tuned.

Jist One Mor' Phoquin' Withdrawal!

Off to Wurstfest today. I actually was dreading it all weekend. What? Dreading a "Two week salute to sausage!"??? Is that even possible? But I have to do a couple of presentations for a college day tomorrow, so I can't tear it up, Aimee-style. At $17 per pitcher I'm not sure I'd want to even if I didn't have to work tomorrow. Yeah, I typed that correctly. And that's not even for the good shit. You want a real foreign beer you're ponying up $21. The "deal" is that you get to keep the pitcher. I'm thinking they should rethink the prices with some sort of deposit system, because that's a major reason I didn't go last weekend. I used to be all about it, until I counted up exactly how much I'd spent on beer and sausage. It was criminal! What is it about those portable ATMs that makes them completely irresistable after about 5 beers. As my friend Jana can attest, I am one ATM whore when I get drunk. Let's hope I fare better than last year. I'm thinking 50 cash and locking my debit card in my glovebox will do it. Wish me luck!

Bore or Whore?

Just remembered I hadn't blogged yet, so here I am. Not much on this evening and in my channel surfing I've gotten caught on Cathouse on HBO. A part of me thinks that women who can do things like that are liberated in a way that I could never be, and that it's a shame that I get hung up on the details of commitment. Being nasty, for me, comes with a stipulation that I've got to be emotionally vested in someone. I feel so independent in so many ways, but I just can't take sex on face value. I realize it's a human need that we all have, and I'm not ashamed of that need, I just can't imagine letting someone I don't know put their hands on me! BLECHHH!!!! I've also never been able to decide whether these women are better off for being able to do that, or if they're denying themselves something that is considered an evolutionary response; feeling safe and protected by one partner. Then again, who am I say that every woman feels that way?

What I have experienced is the heady power of seduction. Knowing a guy will do/say pretty much anything because there's one thing he wants that you have complete control over is very intoxicating. But it's not "real", it burns away like birch bark. I wonder if women who engage in many casual encounters find it easier to experience men on that level b/c it's easier to deal with the illusion of control than attempting ot delve into anything deeper. You get hurt when you have expectations and they're not met. It's tough put your heart out there and hope someone will want you enough to stick around and be true. But don't get me wrong, I don't look down on the behavior. I'm the same kind of scaredy-cat with the same reservations about trust, I just manifest these issues in the opposite way. Instead of letting everyone in and indulging in pleasures of the flesh, I don't let anyone in. You can't get hurt that way either, only those girls have a lot more fun with their issues. Oh yeah...and a lot more STD's. Hmmmm....I think I'm doing OK on this side of the fence after all. :-)

Work SUX

So today I got dinged by my former boss and my new boss b/c I was told that I was not being forthcoming enough with information (wasn’t copying my boss on e-mails), which was creating problems b/c she doesn’t want to micromanage me. Now, in MY mind, cc’ing your boss on every fucking e-mail you send is a form micromanaging. If you think I can’t handle something as simple as correspondence then maybe I’m not the person you should’ve put in the position, ya feel me? They don’t see it that way, therefore that is not the way things are.

Secondly, I was asked to send a letter of apology to student who were erroneously awarded funds they were not eligible to receive because, as in their previous year, they didn’t meet the academic criteria to receive their grant. For the past 3 months we’ve been attempting to collect back, but it only became relevant when they were not able to register for spring classes. We were able to find funds in order to pay for this mistake, which meant students were not out any personal funds. The letter explains this, and my line is:

While we are working on updating our processes in order to prevent further errors, it is our sincere hope that our amnesty will undo any stress or hardship this situation may have caused. You can always find information regarding the terms of eligibility for all financial aid on our website.

Y’know, thinking that since they know what GPA they must have to get the grant, and they took the money and ran (like if an ATM suddently spits out $500 and you just grab and go), I want them to realize that these funds come with responsibility. My boss wants me to say:

I apologize for the error and for creating undue stress on you.

Undo stress on THEM!??! I was the one freaking out b/c our antiquated bs system doesn’t administer this STATE program correctly! I was the one doing all the work trying to collect the money! Why is it that instead of changing our system, because this happens every freakin’ year, we’re just creating a fall guy to write bullshit letters? WTF? I was then lectured about humility and taking ownership of mistakes. No mention of my ideas to fix said situation.

Thirdly, I was told that it was noted that during our Tuesday counselor meeting, I expressed how many e-mails I had to get to (b/c I had taken Friday and Monday off). I did not announce this, just small talk w/one of the counselors at the table. I was told that this is poor form for a supervisor, and I was also reprimanded for was looking at my watch! Apparently I was making it seem like my time was worth more than their time.

This exec team is awful. I was able to get a few points in, but they just kept double-teaming me. This is going to be soooo difficult for me. I do not respect these people, and I have no idea how I’m going to fake my way through that. I don’t know if I can.

Friend of a Fiend

So I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t make Naplablomahoma, or whatever, because I was out of town this weekend and already missed a few days, but I don’t want to completely throw in the towel. Even though I suppose I could cheat and backpost a few memes, I’m going to stay true and go fwd. For now.

Here’s my latest dilemma: I’ve got a friend named Katie who is a free-spirit, a lover of adventure, and is very well stacked. The reason I share that final tidbit is b/c she definitely gets her fair share of male and female attention, and though she is fairly judicious in choosing who to share physical expressions with, it’s just a numbers game that since she gets offered about 20 times each week, and she only indulges in, say…one time every two months, she’s still got a fair amount of notches on her belt. Now some of you may be thinking “So why are dropping a dime on this supposed friend of yours?” I’ll tell you why! SHE WANTS TO BORROW MY BED!

She and her bf split up about the time I moved to San Marcos, and during this very tumultuous time I may have, in the midst of assuring her that her life was not going to abruptly end b/c he wasn’t in the picture, relayed that if she needed anything at all, I would be there to help her. During this time of MY needing to move all of my furniture downstairs and into storage, I also probably offered her the use of the furniture I could not have possibly used in my current, fully furnished living quarters, up to and including my bed. Thinking of course that a lazy-butt like Katie was never going to actually drive down from Austin to pick it up, plus the fact that she’s now making 3 times what I make (she got a new job shortly before the split). But today I got a call asking if the offer for the bed still stood as her ex is expected to take his bed back within the next week or so. And so the conflict unfolds:

1) Katie and I have a tumultuous time of things in the past. We started out strong and I guess we had nowhere else to go but south. Not that she’s a bad friend, just that she can be very self righteous, and is one of those people who think they are very liberal thinkers, but in fact are more narrow-minded than the staunchest conservative. An example? If you don’t agree with her on a topic, any topic at all, you suddenly become an “idiot”. The name calling is actually the mild blow-up; she once left me in a restaurant b/c I pointed out the fact that anything she didn’t agree with was suddenly “weird”. It was not an accusatory statement, just an observation told over a bottle of wine. She stood up, told me all the things about me she didn’t like (while jabbing her finger in my face), and flounced off to the car. Yes, we’ve had our moments.

2) We used to be coworkers, and went out for drinks many-a-time during her 16 month tenure at the university. She then began employment in Austin, about 20 minutes away from San Marcos, and suddenly deemed this town too boring to visit. Now, I’ve had to deal with this complex many times from many people because living in a small town about half an hour from a big city meant that I was usually the one loading up my car and driving to the city for some fun. But now that I live in San Marcos, I figured that if she didn’t ever get a bit nostalgic for her old stomping grounds, surely meeting halfway would be a good solution. In the past month she has repeatedly told me that if we were to get together it would be because I went up to Austin b/c she doesn’t want to hang around a bunch of “kids” in “some crap, close-minded town”. But I’M here in this town, and how could that not be enough to get in your car and drive down 35? Would it be any different than if I lived in North Austin and was still at least a 25 minute drive away? We were at a standstill there, for sure.

3) Katie is bisexual, and though I’m not averse to the lifestyle I will admit that I have a hard enough time keeping my shit straight with attracting one gender; I cannot possibly imagine how to handle it with two. (Not that’s it’s so impossible to do; I do understand that in that department I am sorely lacking.) Anyway, my mom had given me that bed about a year ago and it’s my very first king-sized bed. This may sound stupid, but well….I haven’t…”christened” it yet, and the thought of Katie getting freaky-deaky bizz-ay in my bed just doesn’t feel right!! It has nothing to do w/her sexuality per se, only that with her body, penchant for drinkin’, and the fact that she’s got DOUBLE the opportunity for sex, I KNOW she’s going to get to do it in my bed before me, and that’s just WRONG!

And so her sweetly calling me today and being coincidentally in the mood to come to San Marcos this weekend in order to visit with her old chum doesnt' get me too terribly suspicous. She did just get a haircut, and so it did come innocently enough, but then she started to lament about the woeful situation about her losing her bed, like she was getting kicked out on the street or something. Knowing that Katie has a flair for drama, I tried to assuage her with: “Well, the worst thing that could happen is that you sleep on the floor for a few nights until you can afford a bed, right?” to which she chimed in: “But now I can get that bed you’re having to store!” The Ah-ha moment hit me. And now how will it all go down?

Status Quo is Hard Proving Difficult to Shake-up

So this is week two on a dating website, my latest foray into not turning into a pathetic loser who can’t even find some schlub to boss around (but at least cuddle with), until I die at the ripe old age of 130. Right after I broke up w/my ex (waaaaay back in Feb. of ’06) I decided to get my feet wet with match.com and eharmony. Just safe ways to get myself out there without really putting myself out there. But my heart wasn’t really in it. I was still too hurt over things, and going from a dateable size 10 to a hoss-like size 24 just put me in a weird headspace where I didn’t really feel like I was a viable partner. But things were on the upswing! I was consciously eating less and also making a concerted effort to use the Stairmaster I was fortunate enough to have sitting in front of a television, and directly under a fan, downstairs. Fast forward to the present. I’m now relegated to a closet-sized living area purporting to be a studio apartment, lots of stress from my job, and a mild estrangement from my family, which has me at a still an undateable size 22.

I don’t know why I feel that way. I see heavy girls partnered up everywhere I go, but internally I always imagine a scenario where their initial meeting was during a point where they were both relatively thin, it’s just the normal “couple pudge” that happens to many people when their in a secure relationship. (Not to say that keeping fit means you’re in an insecure state/relationship, this is just how my poisoned mind works.)

So what’s a single girl to do? I feel like I’ve been open to dating and meeting new people but the past 10 or so months (the time I’ve truly been over my ex and ready to meet someone new), the few dates I’ve had haven’t yielded anything. Moving to a new town full of upwardly mobile, edumacated men hasn’t changed anything either. And my good intentions to exercise and eat less surprisingly enough have NOT been enough to miraculously shave inches off my hips, thighs, and jelly-belly. And I started thinking about…yeah, it's tough to admit….chubby chasers.

Now, I’ve always been leery of chubby chasers, mostly b/c I equate that kind of predilections with fetishes. I just don’t really know that I would trust that a guy would really be interested in me, and not just interested in oiling me up to get their kicks and moving onto the next tubby tart. But then, for some reason (OK, I think we all know it’s b/c I’m starting to feel desperate), I starting to change the way I thought about such things. I mean, I’m fairly liberal when it comes to “types” of guys that I’m attracted to; I normally focus on personality before I consider whether or not I’m interested, but many many people have certain features in mind when picking potential date-mates. So if I think it’s perfectly normal for gentlemen to prefer blondes, then why can’t I get on board with fellows following fatties? Kind of a double standard, huh? This was my thought process when I placed my monthly subscription to a “big and beautiful” website about 2 weeks ago.

And what now? I’ll tell you what now! 70 interested men, 2 sketchy IM sessions, and only two men I even want to spend time getting to know (but am no longer getting responses from), and I’m STILL hopelessly devoted to single serving popcorn, mythbuster marathons for one, and the only horizontal love I get is from snuggling my poodle. (Sadly not a euphamism for anything remotely sexual, I promise). Despite the fact that many of these guys claim to want a serious relationship, their game is just too off-putting for me. I'm not a prude, but I need the dance! I need to feel enough admiration and trust to want to talk sex with a guy. Why is that so bad? Are other girls really going so fast that by the third e-mail it's time to let some guy into your e-panties? Sighhh.... but this is getting dire. The other day as I was channel surfing, a love scene on HBO literally made me cry. YES! Watching sex made me CRY! The opposite of a normal response to visuals of coitus! And the reason? I miss it, and I'm just not certain that I'm ever going to be there again.