Prayers For Rain

Though it wasn’t my resolution to post more, I will admit that since nablopomo, I haven’t done much with this site. I’ve been busy.
1) I was in a relationship
2) My relationship ended
3) I am now convinced that I have contracted HIV

Let me explain. I haven’t had many sexual partners. I have had intimate relations with 3 men in my life. Lost my virginity at 20, had a boyfriend for 4 years, then I met this last man. I thought I was entering a committed relationship and so I took care of business. I went to the doctor and put myself on the pill. The end. Having never really dated much, I just didn’t think about STDs. I mean, I asked him when he was last with a woman, and if he had ever been tested for STDs. He relayed he hadn’t had sex in 6 months and claimed that due to his gastric bypass, he has to get a full physical every year, including bloodwork. And I believed him.

I won’t go into the gory details, though I will say I have a penchant for falling for the loveable loser-the underdog who has great intentions but maybe hasn’t made the best of his life. Don’t get me wrong, this man owns a home, is self-employed, and appeared to take care of himself and his family, but he often called me “college girl” and my acerbic, sharp wit would often puncture his ego at the drop of a hat. And I fell for this guy. We had sex for about 2 and half weeks, many many times. Remember, I hadn’t been with a man in almost 2 years, and I was so taken in with the fact that he was really a man! I mean, my ex was 3 yrs my junior when we met and was only 26 when we broke up. This last guy was 37 years old. Very different, in a good way. So not only was I excited about FINALLY finding a partner, I was also extra eager at all the different, new ways I found myself with this man. And then the bottom fell out.

He really wanted to meet my parents so I set something up for Christmas Eve. A few days before he mentioned how his 17-yr-old daughter was looking forward to it too. Wait, what? I just thought it was too soon to get all La Familia involved, and actually was only setting up the meeting to begin with at his own behest. I’m good w/my folks not being a part of my personal life. I’ve got nothing to hide, but I’m also not of the opinion that coupling up somehow validates a person, so why get the opinions of loved ones all up in my bidness? Though I was completely open to the fact that dating a man with children was going to add another dimension to the relationship, I was ready. Or I guess I thought I was. I found that the number one way to piss someone off is to tell them you weren’t expecting their child/children to attend an event you invited them to. And, as I said before, the bottom fell out. Well, more like exploded.

Things did get a little ugly; I was very hurt but determined to stay away. I am of the mind that you can never talk your way out of “dumped”, and if things were that precarious to begin with, it did not bode well for the long haul. I’m not trying to find a husband, but I’m also not looking for Mr. Right Now. Then the panic attacks set in. AFTER things went south I asked him how many people he’d been with, like ever. His reply? “Too many to count.” And how many women had he slept with in the past year? “Six or eight.” Did I mention I was having panic attacks? I went to my doctor for an HIV test, which came out negative. I was told that HIV cannot be detected until 3-6 months after having contracted it. I’ve already counted off the weeks on my home calendar, which will put me at my second HIV test during the week of St. Patrick’s day. And the panic attacks rage on.

I understand the chances of a 32 year old woman who has had intercourse with 3 straight men in her life, and has never taken intravenous drugs, or engaged in other high risk activities is rather low. That thought NEVER enters my mind at 10pm when I’m certain my lymph nodes are aching as the HIV virus is even now replicating in my veins. And my thoughts then turn to the following:
1. How am I ever going to find a partner if I have HIV?
2. I won’t be able to have children
3. How will I tell my family?
4. My life will always carry the stigma of an HIV infection
5. I will never live to be 70
6. I know that I will die in a hospital of a painful and horrible disease

This is about the time I start breathing like I’ve run a mile, my chest tightens to the point of implosion, and my legs MUST WALK FORWARD, which is tough to do for any length of time when you live in a crackerbox “studio”-read efficiency- apartment. And this has filled my evening for the past 2 weeks. During the daytime I can disguise my anxiety fairly well, but there have been a few occasions where I have succumbed to tears at the thought that my life as a healthy person has largely been taken for granted and I now have no future to look forward to. I just thought that I was taking care of myself. Doing the adult thing by getting on the pill. I didn’t understand that at my age, other precautions must be factored in. I just didn’t understand.


Now, I just WANT TO KNOW! And if I am still negative, I WILL try harder to do positive things with my life. I WILL NOT feel sorry for myself. I WILL take more chances on life. I WILL NOT have ANY unprotected sex until a prospective partner has taken an HIV test at LEAST 6 months after we are together. Please, please Lord. Give me that chance.