Would You Settle for Catsup?

Post begun on 2/26/09 and touched up on 1/16/10. Nice to see my life has roughly the same pace as a soap opera. :-)

Back again to rummage through the question: What could a 33-yr-old and a 20 yr-old POSSIBLY have in common. And there we shall begin: I have always been a chicken-shit when it comes to men. Didn't want to get duped and hurt and/or end up pregnant and broke. And since 98% of romantic relationships I was exposed to while coming of age was negative, I've spent most of my life secretly pining for some hero to take me far away from myself so that I could fall in love, while outwardly eschewing all things romantic. Which is how I ended up with my first bf at the age of 25, and my second bf at the age of 33. (What? It takes at least 3 years to get over a 4 and half year relationship, doesn't it?!) But here are the main reasons why I think the age thing isn't a dealbreaker for me and my honey:

My dating experience is about on par with a sophomore in college. My ex is like the equivalent of your first love who you dated all throughout high school, but you just knew that as soon as you got out of that little shitfinklestein town you were going to ditch that dead weight, spread your wings and FLY! So dating someone who also has limited dating experience levels out that playing field.
He's not jaded. All the guys my age have this "I've been hurt before so you're not getting to much of me to dick with." kind of mentality. And I hate that. The tug of war b/w two people, each not willing or wanting to get too attached lest they play "the fool". I have the kind of heart that, for the most part, can take that leap and commit to loving someone. Who desperately wants to nurture and learn about another individual so that I can take care of their needs. I like that. Which is why I'm such a mean bitch at the forefront; I can fall, and I fall hard. And he's the same. (Uh..except he wasn't a tool at the forefront, I just mean that he's open to commitment.)

He's effin' smart! He is fascinated with physics, and technology, and mechanics. Shit I know little about, but can listen to for hours and hours. And I like the way he looks at the world. Since he grew up more or less an introverted , (yes, I'll drop the "n-word"), nerd, he's a deep thinker, and can describe things to me in such a way that it holds fascination for me to note how differently we look at the world. But I get it, and I respect his view. Also, he's studying to be a mechanical engineer, so yes- he's a catch.
He wants kids w/in the next 5-7 years! He doesn't already have them! WOW, how novel!
There's nothing wrong with coming home and having someone to be there to ask you about your day, and share with you how they are and who they are. That's been nice, and whenever I get very down at the prospect of this ever actually really happening for us (one in a million shot, I know), I think to myself: "You have a good guy to talk to. It lifts your spirits to have this person in your life (for the most part), it gives you incentive to want to improve yourself mentally and physically, and you're finding out so much shit about what a nutty, distrustful girlfriend you are. And instead of leaving your ass, he is willing to work through it with you!" So although a part of me is screaming "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You're 33 and you're wasting time on some kid from Ohio?" I remind myself that I'd need to drop at least two sizes to even put myself out there as dateable, so it's not like I'm missing out, and I'm finding out enough about myself to make this worthwhile.

NOW, having stuffed unicorns and sunshine all up your ass, let's get the reality of dating a man in his early 20's. Sometimes I'd swear his feelings are made of glass (actually, more like the fake glass you see in movies ), and I feel sooo horrible when I forget that and say stupid shit, which I am wont to do. It's just that, there are certain things that a man in his early 30's knows about himself as irrefutable truths; you know if you're the type of person that is going to stay and fight for the seven cents you were overcharged at the store, then you may wear the label "cheap" as a badge of honor. But woe is the day you utter the following to someone who is not quite so self-enlightened: "I don't care if you THINK you're not cheap, that $3.00 tip on a meal for two is freakin' CHEAP!". I agree, not a nice thing to say but the whole defensive thing just puts me right out! The road leading up to me saying the afore-mentioned phrase was paved with all KINDS of bs that I just couldn't take anymore. And while to many couples who have passed through their early 20's will think that those kinds of disagreements are just par for course, I'll say that a jab like that to a 21-year-old man is much more cumbersome to get to the other side of. I suspect that I'd be doing less consoling about inadequate feelings of self worth, and other things you concern yourself with when you're still developing your sense of self, if I were dating a man closer to my age.

Oh, and I forgot to mention all the steamy, fervent hot sex, right? WRONG! 1. When he came to visit for the first time, things were...awkward. Now he's been in Texas for about 6 months and things can sometimes still be....awkward. Remember that whole "Introverted nerd" thing that was so fascinating in conversation? Turns out those guys don't get a lot of tail and routinely turn to the internet to learn about the ways of doing the sexytimes. And as some of us know, there are many, many, many, many, MANY different ways people like to get off. Personally, I like kissing. I like most all of the stuff you can see on any good rated 'R' chickflick or Skinemax. And though I have a few kinks-oh whatevs internets, you do too!- I would say that I am by and large a fairly vanilla girl. You want a spanking? Yes I can. You want to come on my where? Yes, that's ok. "But honey, someone could come around the corner and catch us!" All the better! But I know you'll never find me anywhere near 2Girls1Cup territory. While I've only ever had one longterm partner, so I'm just as maleable as anyone when it comes to most things, I do know what I like. Helping someone find out what they like is a tough job. There are failures. Finding yourself comforting the person you love who has begun to sob uncontrollably while in handcuffs is NOT a fun place for me to be. (Is it part of the act? What do I do now?) And some fantasies are just that- thoughts that could never exist in real life. If Laura Croft's animated proportions were somehow duplicated in the real world, physics would demand either a spine replacement every 3 months, or this bitch would be laid up, eating frosting out of the jar and showing up on Jerry Springer via satellite. Similarly, showering together where one person is always freezing cold, or worse yet, I swear to God I now know what people who have been waterboarded go through. I've given away too much all ready so let's just say kneeling in the shower while looking up is just fucking stupid. And so it goes.

The obvious one, that I've already touched on here but sometimes feels as though this fear in me is growing, is that I'm preparing someone for a journey where I cannot go. Like I'm his support to try all kinds of new experiences (new job, new university, vacations and romance), but at the end of it all he's going to surpass me and realize that while I was great for what he needed as a young man, he'll want something different later on. Or what happens when a 26-year-old Joe looks at me and says "I want to do what I want to do, not what's good for us." I felt that way most all of my life and so I couldn't make THAT big a case for not letting him go. Truth is, what stops ANY man who has been in a relationship for many years from doing that? While I recognize that I'm stretching the odds, I just cannot turn away from one of the best gifts God has ever given me: A good man who loves me. And in the absurdly optimistic words of Vivian Ward: "But I'm here now!"