For Keeps or Forget It

Catching up on this. Not sure for how long. I'm cleaning out my Draftbox and so behold: Ramblings from 9/9/09-

He's here. Joe's plane arrived in Texas in late July, along with his car, video games, and matchbox car collection. And the ride has begun. And what a ride it's been. I'm slowly breaking away from theories I've long-held to be true. Namely that the first couple of years of a relationship are the best, and if it's hard to get along, then it's not meant to be. Maybe I'm saying this next part to fool myself, but sometimes it feels good to not gloss over the things we both need. To dig your heels in and say "This is how I think and what I need." And to really listen to your partner when they say it to you. I mean, as long as it's within my scope of ability and vice versa. I sometimes joke (b/c I think I once read this somewhere) that a good compromise leaves both parties unhappy, and sometimes I'm finding that to be true.

But what I'm learning the most is how inflexible and demanding I am. It's hard for me to admit, but I'm like my Papo. This means nothing to you, the reader, but my grandfather was an explosive tyrant who had to have things done his way or no way at all. And my grandma took it. With 4 kids and a second-grade education, she had to, but I saw the ill effects that had on her and the rest of the family. And I've always told myself that a bulk of the reason why I was so uninterested in marriage/long term relationship was b/c I never really saw a happy one. I didn't realize how deeply it has affected my actions, though. For example- I need to have at least 5 dryer sheets for each load. I don't like to use cheap liquid detergent- correction- I WON'T use it, and if I make a mild concession to do so, I will resent it. I joke about having a bad temper.

Being unwieldy. My way or the highway, and if you don't like it then you can move on the down the road. But then what? There's nothing to gain there. The moment of elation caused by the feeling of total independance and self righteousness is fleeting. The cycle falls to anger and keeps my sadness at bay, but that melts too and I'm left with the blank space I fill with food, books, booze, movies, and other distractions. Living your life in that manner is not a terrible thing, and I believe that all of us need to have that experience. To be on the hunt for that thing you want, and able to discard when you feel you don't need it at the time (Hey man, you're great and all but the way you didn't laugh at that Woody Allen movie and then made that racist joke? Ya done, son!) . But I don't want to hunt forever. I'm tired of chewing people up and spitting them out. While I don't want to acquiesce, and have tried to pin my hopes on finding someone that will fit me like a glove; no concessions to make that will only serve to make me feel guilty and selfish later on. No words to soften for fear of cutting my partner to the quick. No apologies for my actions of inaction. But is that possible? Is that why everyone gets divorced? B/c Disney shills this fairy tale expectation, and in reality coupling up is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. Or maybe it's just me.