Like a Rainbow in the Dark...

V-day 2010

2010-02-14T19:45:00.002-06:00

Wrinkled clothes in most every room in the house, with more laundry to attend to. Latest sewing project turned my fingertips into a pincushion. Spent 1 hour washing dishes last night before my weekend job had me up at 4:30am on a Sunday morning. Came home to pink batter splattered over the clean dishes left to dry on the counter. And living room table covered in roses, candles, framed pictures, and heart-shaped cake not quite cooled enough to be iced greeting me as I arrived home from the hour commute from said weekend job. He gave me a diamond ring. Smallest piece of jewelry I've ever received. And today I've experienced more happiness than I have ever dared want for myself. Also have more to lose than I ever dreamed of. I need to believe I deserve this love. I need to believe I am good enough. And thank God that I found him.

Durty Sturdy

2010-01-16T18:18:00.003-06:00

I think I've mentioned my proclivities for feeling shamed at the grocery store before, namely when I'm buying cucumbers b/c I think people will believe I'm going through these issues, but today I can safely say that I just bested myself. For completely innocent reasons my grocery cart bore the following on my receipt:

2 cans shaving cream (one for male, one for female)
Ms. Butterworth's syrup
vaseline
ear plugs
seam ripper
Drano
20 pack of beer

Good thing I forgot the butter and nipple clamps. ;-)

For Keeps or Forget It

2009-09-09T09:27:00.007-05:00

Catching up on this. Not sure for how long. I'm cleaning out my Draftbox and so behold: Ramblings from 9/9/09-

He's here. Joe's plane arrived in Texas in late July, along with his car, video games, and matchbox car collection. And the ride has begun. And what a ride it's been. I'm slowly breaking away from theories I've long-held to be true. Namely that the first couple of years of a relationship are the best, and if it's hard to get along, then it's not meant to be. Maybe I'm saying this next part to fool myself, but sometimes it feels good to not gloss over the things we both need. To dig your heels in and say "This is how I think and what I need." And to really listen to your partner when they say it to you. I mean, as long as it's within my scope of ability and vice versa. I sometimes joke (b/c I think I once read this somewhere) that a good compromise leaves both parties unhappy, and sometimes I'm finding that to be true.

But what I'm learning the most is how inflexible and demanding I am. It's hard for me to admit, but I'm like my Papo. This means nothing to you, the reader, but my grandfather was an explosive tyrant who had to have things done his way or no way at all. And my grandma took it. With 4 kids and a second-grade education, she had to, but I saw the ill effects that had on her and the rest of the family. And I've always told myself that a bulk of the reason why I was so uninterested in marriage/long term relationship was b/c I never really saw a happy one. I didn't realize how deeply it has affected my actions, though. For example- I need to have at least 5 dryer sheets for each load. I don't like to use cheap liquid detergent- correction- I WON'T use it, and if I make a mild concession to do so, I will resent it. I joke about having a bad temper.

Being unwieldy. My way or the highway, and if you don't like it then you can move on the down the road. But then what? There's nothing to gain there. The moment of elation caused by the feeling of total independance and self righteousness is fleeting. The cycle falls to anger and keeps my sadness at bay, but that melts too and I'm left with the blank space I fill with food, books, booze, movies, and other distractions. Living your life in that manner is not a terrible thing, and I believe that all of us need to have that experience. To be on the hunt for that thing you want, and able to discard when you feel you don't need it at the time (Hey man, you're great and all but the way you didn't laugh at that Woody Allen movie and then made that racist joke? Ya done, son!) . But I don't want to hunt forever. I'm tired of chewing people up and spitting them out. While I don't want to acquiesce, and have tried to pin my hopes on finding someone that will fit me like a glove; no concessions to make that will only serve to make me feel guilty and selfish later on. No words to soften for fear of cutting my partner to the quick. No apologies for my actions of inaction. But is that possible? Is that why everyone gets divorced? B/c Disney shills this fairy tale expectation, and in reality coupling up is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. Or maybe it's just me.

Would You Settle for Catsup?

2009-02-26T16:04:00.013-06:00

Post begun on 2/26/09 and touched up on 1/16/10. Nice to see my life has roughly the same pace as a soap opera. :-)

Back again to rummage through the question: What could a 33-yr-old and a 20 yr-old POSSIBLY have in common. And there we shall begin: I have always been a chicken-shit when it comes to men. Didn't want to get duped and hurt and/or end up pregnant and broke. And since 98% of romantic relationships I was exposed to while coming of age was negative, I've spent most of my life secretly pining for some hero to take me far away from myself so that I could fall in love, while outwardly eschewing all things romantic. Which is how I ended up with my first bf at the age of 25, and my second bf at the age of 33. (What? It takes at least 3 years to get over a 4 and half year relationship, doesn't it?!) But here are the main reasons why I think the age thing isn't a dealbreaker for me and my honey:

My dating experience is about on par with a sophomore in college. My ex is like the equivalent of your first love who you dated all throughout high school, but you just knew that as soon as you got out of that little shitfinklestein town you were going to ditch that dead weight, spread your wings and FLY! So dating someone who also has limited dating experience levels out that playing field.
He's not jaded. All the guys my age have this "I've been hurt before so you're not getting to much of me to dick with." kind of mentality. And I hate that. The tug of war b/w two people, each not willing or wanting to get too attached lest they play "the fool". I have the kind of heart that, for the most part, can take that leap and commit to loving someone. Who desperately wants to nurture and learn about another individual so that I can take care of their needs. I like that. Which is why I'm such a mean bitch at the forefront; I can fall, and I fall hard. And he's the same. (Uh..except he wasn't a tool at the forefront, I just mean that he's open to commitment.)

He's effin' smart! He is fascinated with physics, and technology, and mechanics. Shit I know little about, but can listen to for hours and hours. And I like the way he looks at the world. Since he grew up more or less an introverted , (yes, I'll drop the "n-word"), nerd, he's a deep thinker, and can describe things to me in such a way that it holds fascination for me to note how differently we look at the world. But I get it, and I respect his view. Also, he's studying to be a mechanical engineer, so yes- he's a catch.
He wants kids w/in the next 5-7 years! He doesn't already have them! WOW, how novel!
There's nothing wrong with coming home and having someone to be there to ask you about your day, and share with you how they are and who they are. That's been nice, and whenever I get very down at the prospect of this ever actually really happening for us (one in a million shot, I know), I think to myself: "You have a good guy to talk to. It lifts your spirits to have this person in your life (for the most part), it gives you incentive to want to improve yourself mentally and physically, and you're finding out so much shit about what a nutty, distrustful girlfriend you are. And instead of leaving your ass, he is willing to work through it with you!" So although a part of me is screaming "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You're 33 and you're wasting time on some kid from Ohio?" I remind myself that I'd need to drop at least two sizes to even put myself out there as dateable, so it's not like I'm missing out, and I'm finding out enough about myself to make this worthwhile.

NOW, having stuffed unicorns and sunshine all up your ass, let's get the reality of dating a man in his early 20's. Sometimes I'd swear his feelings are made of glass (actually, more like the fake glass you see in movies ), and I feel sooo horrible when I forget that and say stupid shit, which I am wont to do. It's just that, there are certain things that a man in his early 30's knows about himself as irrefutable truths; you know if you're the type of person that is going to stay and fight for the seven cents you were overcharged at the store, then you may wear the label "cheap" as a badge of honor. But woe is the day you utter the following to someone who is not quite so self-enlightened: "I don't care if you THINK you're not cheap, that $3.00 tip on a meal for two is freakin' CHEAP!". I agree, not a nice thing to say but the whole defensive thing just puts me right out! The road leading up to me saying the afore-mentioned phrase was paved with all KINDS of bs that I just couldn't take anymore. And while to many couples who have passed through their early 20's will think that those kinds of disagreements are just par for course, I'll say that a jab like that to a 21-year-old man is much more cumbersome to get to the other side of. I suspect that I'd be doing less consoling about inadequate feelings of self worth, and other things you concern yourself with when you're still developing your sense of self, if I were dating a man closer to my age.

Oh, and I forgot to mention all the steamy, fervent hot sex, right? WRONG! 1. When he came to visit for the first time, things were...awkward. Now he's been in Texas for about 6 months and things can sometimes still be....awkward. Remember that whole "Introverted nerd" thing that was so fascinating in conversation? Turns out those guys don't get a lot of tail and routinely turn to the internet to learn about the ways of doing the sexytimes. And as some of us know, there are many, many, many, many, MANY different ways people like to get off. Personally, I like kissing. I like most all of the stuff you can see on any good rated 'R' chickflick or Skinemax. And though I have a few kinks-oh whatevs internets, you do too!- I would say that I am by and large a fairly vanilla girl. You want a spanking? Yes I can. You want to come on my where? Yes, that's ok. "But honey, someone could come around the corner and catch us!" All the better! But I know you'll never find me anywhere near 2Girls1Cup territory. While I've only ever had one longterm partner, so I'm just as maleable as anyone when it comes to most things, I do know what I like. Helping someone find out what they like is a tough job. There are failures. Finding yourself comforting the person you love who has begun to sob uncontrollably while in handcuffs is NOT a fun place for me to be. (Is it part of the act? What do I do now?) And some fantasies are just that- thoughts that could never exist in real life. If Laura Croft's animated proportions were somehow duplicated in the real world, physics would demand either a spine replacement every 3 months, or this bitch would be laid up, eating frosting out of the jar and showing up on Jerry Springer via satellite. Similarly, showering together where one person is always freezing cold, or worse yet, I swear to God I now know what people who have been waterboarded go through. I've given away too much all ready so let's just say kneeling in the shower while looking up is just fucking stupid. And so it goes.

The obvious one, that I've already touched on here but sometimes feels as though this fear in me is growing, is that I'm preparing someone for a journey where I cannot go. Like I'm his support to try all kinds of new experiences (new job, new university, vacations and romance), but at the end of it all he's going to surpass me and realize that while I was great for what he needed as a young man, he'll want something different later on. Or what happens when a 26-year-old Joe looks at me and says "I want to do what I want to do, not what's good for us." I felt that way most all of my life and so I couldn't make THAT big a case for not letting him go. Truth is, what stops ANY man who has been in a relationship for many years from doing that? While I recognize that I'm stretching the odds, I just cannot turn away from one of the best gifts God has ever given me: A good man who loves me. And in the absurdly optimistic words of Vivian Ward: "But I'm here now!"

Catch Up, Baby Tomato, Catch UP!

2009-02-26T15:51:00.003-06:00

Last time I tried to post I spent half an hour baring all sorts of neurosis and laying them out in such a way that it perfectly encapsulated many of the items I need to work through in order to achieve more in my life. It was difficult to face, but I was proud of my ability to identify and narrate these seemingly innocuous things I'd tucked away into the recesses of my mind which were causing me to make bad decisions. And THEN I held the backspace key down too long and the entire thing was gone. Poof! I was in shock. Then sad. Then livid. Then sad again. Then infuriated. And finally, I was beaten. And so, I haven't been here much. But there have been a few things going on that should be written down, if only to serve as a means for me to take a step back and figure out the answer to the eternally burning question: "Just what the fuck am I DOING here, anyway?" And thus it shall begin. And hopefully it won't get all pathetic and Lilith-fair (not JUDGING, just saying....) which is how all the posts seemed to get towards the end there last time I tried to keep up with blogging.

Where to begin.... "I was born. I grew UP-pah" (What movie is that from!?) :-) Nahhh, just that I did end up moving back to my tiny hometown b/c I couldn't rent out the house before the former tenants' lease ended. And now I'm thinking I should have just gotten behind on all that mortgage shit, but how was I to know that a helping hand was just around the corner? I saved and sacrificed, am current w/my house payments and so as a reward I get NADA. What about the break for people who didn't overextend themselves and kept their shit together, huh? Sighhh...just like kindergarten, the unseen little girl w/the home haircut. No reason to pay any attention to her at all. But seriously, I did vote for Obama, I am sticking by that decision, and I just pray that the laws being made are going to help the US get back in black, and once again be a place I can be proud to call my country. (Electing the first black president was definitely a step in the right direction.)

So being back in Seguin has been...well, it's been Seguin. On the one hand I LOVE having my own space, my own yard, my privacy and solace. On the other hand, keeping up w/the care of a house can be stressful especially the 3am anxiety attacks. "Is the AC making that noise? OMG, it's broken, I just KNOW it! I'm going to have to go sell my ass every weekend to get a new A.C." Or my new favorite "Was that crack always there? OMG, the foundation is fucked! I have bought a lemon of a house that will one day cave in all around me." As an aside, I can only hope I will be asleep in it at the time because I cannot bear the thought of coming up with money to repair it. Truth be told, I still woke up to 3am-thoughts in my apt, but those were usually along the lines of "Shut the fuck up you drunken slut! I have to work tomorrow and don't give a fuck WHO he got a text from, stop yelling in the parking lot and just pass the fuck OUT already!". But for my money, home ownership is the way to go.

I'm still at my job, and the IRS gig has started again. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and I'm trying-again-to give up fast food for Lent. Such a weakness I have for it too. Whereas you'd think that most people would prefer home cooking to fast food. When I have someone to cook for, it's not such a big deal, but being alone just makes cooking seem so pointless. You make a meal, you have leftovers, they rot in your fridge and you've just wasted money, time, food, and energy. Yes, the ENERGY it takes to put all those items on list o' things to procrastinate, then feel guilty about. Some examples? Yes, let's!

Must clean kitchen: Yes, but my fave show just came on and I'm saving $ on not paying for DVR service, so I really HAVE to watch it now. *show over, guilt commences*

Must wash dishes: But this mail is just piling up, ooooh is that the new Signals catalog?! I'm going to circle all the things I would buy if I weren't being so responsible with my money. That will stave off the need for me to buy other things, so really I'm helping myself by indulging in the fantasy of buying and not actually doing it. *Places marked up catalog on side of bed along with all other mail mess. Sees it's time for bed, and depression over messy room takes over.*

Must clean refrigerator: I desperately need to start reading again. I am so out of touch w/anything remotely outside of the scope of "How will this effect me." Ah-ha, my cousin gave me this book ages ago, it really is rude of me to keep it so I must begin this post-haste! *Time for bed. Suddenly sees three other books started and not finished. Feelings of being flaky and unaccomplished ensue.*

Suddenly Taco Cabana is starting to sound like a Godsend. And yeah, well, there's all that but it really just boils down to my food addiction. What?! Did I just read that? An admission from Ms. sweep-under-rug-n-smile? Uh-huh. That's a new thing that happened this year too. And it's a good, positive, meaningful realization that will help me get closer to my goal of "getting my shit together" in general. (GMST = out of debt, fulfilling job, someone to share my life with, and not having to shop at Layne Bryant.) But it's really made me assess where it all came from. How this addiction got hard-wired into my psyche, and how to untangle the mess now. (Or re-imaging my mainframe, to continue with the lame-oh, probably incorrectly stated computer analogy.) And oh what a fun time THAT has been! And continues to be!

I've started smoking again. (Oral fixation much?) I've completely stopped cleaning my house (Must ignore SOMETHING if I'm not ignoring my eating issues), and have I ever been spend, spend, SPENDING money I really should be throwing towards my debt. (If I can't placate my emotions with food then I must do so by purchasing DVDs I have no time to watch, and cell phones made with corporate executives in mind.) And so I trudge forward, taking each day as a tiny battle to be won. Or, more often lately, to be lost. But I'm still in this war, dammit! Ha ha! Perhaps one day you will see me on a Discovery Health special being cut from my home and wheeled out on a flatbed semi, a white flag clenched in my doughy fist as my tiny head peeps out from atop my massive body, but that day is not today!

And boys. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be mature enough to date men now, huh? I think dating "guys" sometime in the 90's passed me by. And, I've had my forays into web dating. I've done Match.com. (Met a funny guy who prefers thin "dancing atop tables and flirting with your friends" women to chunky "conversing is awesome and I'd always put you first" women. (To each his/her own). And I've been on E-Harmony, which was fine except for the seriousness of it all. I want to find "the guy"; I'm not fooling around here, but must this be akin to a nun-ordination ceremony? Can we not take a little ribbing and not think "this woman has issues and needs to tear down me down." Uh, no man, I just REALLY think that socks with sandals is freakin' hilarious. Everyone does, I'm just blunt enough to call you on it- that's all. After 5 conversations, can our e-relationship not stand a tiny bit of teasing? But a co-worker's daughter found a free social website and thought of me, which was a really sweet gesture. And that's how I came to be in a relationship with a man 1,330 miles away, and 13 years my junior. 'Cause I just make good decisions like that, ya'll!

In my defense, not that I have to defend my self to you, interwebs, just that this blog is an exercise in getting all the shit that flits and swirls around my head into one concise block o' crap and this, dear interwebs, is just a part of that process. And yet I think I may defer the gory details for another day. Rest assured we will cover it all. From the sweet nothings and roses all the way to the requests for leather restraints and feathers. Join me next time, won't you?

No-Hi-Oh

2009-01-04T20:41:00.004-06:00

Guess who's back? It's heartbroken Aimee! After another Christmas whirlwind, I have found myself, once again, mewed up about some guy that just didn't want me. And what I have to do now is figure out how I, once again, fucked that whole situation up. I will admit that this guy was pretty young, and the very notion of us being together was a longshot, but honestly- I really thought this was it. I felt like I'd found him. Not perfect, not in a perfect situation (b/c I'm not looking for perfection) but I met someone I could tell anything and everything to. But after having met me, he decided he didn't want me. UGH! So you can't keep telling yourself that it's other people and that you just haven't met the "right one". Either you're a piece of shit girlfriend with more b.s. to offer than support, or you've got to tell yourself that your elimination processes are so far out of whack that you're just beating your own head against the rocks for nothing. -What? The ex-con with two kids and no job didn't work out? How did that happen?- Not really, buy pretty effin' close. Currently my main goal is staying drunk off wine for the next 4 weeks until this shit blows over. Until then, mon amies!

Take-out I Craved Most During Lent

2008-03-22T10:06:00.002-05:00

So I gave up take-out/fast food during Lent. My whole rule was that if someone did not specifically ask me out, I would go home and make food. Which wasn’t even that bad, I mean, I ended up eating at Chilis, Carinos, Mexican joints, and even eating Tai food at some point during the month of March, so it wasn’t all Ramen and boloney. But some days, especially after work, when the LAST thing I wanted to do was go home and make food for dinner AND lunch the next day. Here’s what I missed most:
-P I Z Z A! (‘specially Gattis)
- Chinese takeout (it's perfect b/c you always have enough to fill you up, then take leftovers for lunch the next day; two birds w/one stone!)
- Burgers (and no fries either!)

Secrets

2008-03-21T21:35:00.003-05:00

I visit Postsecret.com every Sunday. I love the concept, and only wish I was artistic enough to create my own. Some of those I've conceptualized, but never sent:
1. When I was younger I'd pretend I was on "The Real World" and would "soliliquize" my life. (I remember the first season in NY!)
2. I wish I did not care so much.
3. I would never make my child feel as unimportant as my parents made me feel.

I've seen many of the secrets, and many have touched my heart in a deep and personal way. I think that we go through life in a series of stages; things that once were so very important are not so important to me now. Today, this is my secret.

Things I’d Do in a Month if Money & Time Were No Object

2008-03-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

All the items listed above
Visit Gitte in Germany for a week
Travel to Ireland for 7 days
Travel to Spain for 5 days
Visit all friends to spread the wealth

Things I Regret

2008-03-19T19:26:00.004-05:00

Not Trusting the Love of:
-C
-E
-J
-E
-S

Not hitting on Clint Decker and Carlos Garza in college

Trusting Carl D.

Not taking enough risks (parents/career)

Not trying harder

Things I'd Do in a Day If Time & Money Were of No Consequence

2008-03-18T20:37:00.001-05:00

Wake up early for my:
-Facial
-Manicure
-Pedicure
-Massage (upper body only)
Drive to the nearest mall and get:
-FYEye Eyesdow Base
-Benefit Cheek Tint
-Cargo Blush
Drop off my car to the Volvo Dealership to:
-Get my car tuned up
-Get three new rims (for my car!)
Meanwhile.... I'm out w/Katie (convinced her to play hookey) and we're
-B U Y I N G S H O E S!
-Lunch at the Melting Pot
-Hitting 4th St. for the Nightlife
-Catching a cab home

Whew! Would luuuuuv to live that day!

Jobs I've Held, Pt. 2

2008-03-17T14:22:00.001-05:00

Hastings- Hired as associate and within two months promoted to manager. Worked in all sections (books, music, rentals, magazines) by the time I put in my notice. (See an “overachiever” theme here?)

Legal Secretary-Did this favor for my Dad the summer after I graduated from college, after that final stint in Vt. It lasted almost exactly one year b/c I wanted to go visit a guy I’d met at my cousin’s wedding and he didn’t want me to go so he didn’t approve my vacation time off. I quit my job and went on my vacation anyway. He says he fired me. I have been fired-once, but I was able to talk my way back in. My Dad didn’t fire me, but if it hurts him less to think of it that way, I’m OK w/it too. (Honestly, I just didn’t like dealing w/liars, which were most of his clients. I don’t have the stomach for that.

Substitute Teaching- Taught me I’m not mature enough to teach! I am not a yeller, but the 9th Grade Student Center in Seguin, Texas proved me wrong. I did find a perfect position (very rewarding) in the Life Skills class, but I just could not bring myself to clean up BM, so I had to decline. Sighhhh...

Title I Teacher- I got a pretty good handle on this one b/c I was dealing w/2nd graders who couldn’t pass TASS (now called something else), but so many of their problems had nothing to do w/learning disabilities but w/their parents' inability to put their children’s needs before their own. It was so frustrating. Plus, hanging out w/teachers is a bummer. Everyone dresses tacky, and they’re all so petty. Too much like HS for my liking.

Milieu Director: Worked at the Brown School making sure crazy kids didn’t kill each other. Wish I felt safer about them not killing us.

Temp. at Weststaff: Filed medical docs at BAMC in San Antonio for one week straight. A portion of my brain turned to mush forever during that week.

Higher Ed Staff member/real world flunkie- No comment. But I will say that I’m finally planning my next move. Wish me luck!

Art Projects That Have Gone Kaput

2008-03-16T17:57:00.000-05:00

Beading jewelry
Watercolor
Cross-stitching
Sewing
Stenciling
Drawing

Top Fears

2008-03-15T11:54:00.001-05:00

Something bad will happen to my nephews
I have HIV
I’ll never find happiness in a relationship, and will therefore be alone for the remainder of my days.
I'll end up old and full of regret for all the things I was too scared to try.

Jobs I've Held, Pt. 1

2008-03-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

Candy striper: Did this for a summer or two. I had these romantic notions of tending to the sick, but in reality we wore the requisite white and red-striped uniforms while manning the gift shop. This mostly entailed restocking the chips, dusting the knick-knacks, and baking Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Though it was a volunteered position, I believe we probably ate enough of those cookies to constitute a relatively handsome sum in lost profits for the hospital.
Camp counselor:
McDonalds: My folks would not let me get a job during high school b/c they claimed school was my job. A self-confidence annihilating, non-wage earning, job. But one summer I did talk my folks into letting me work Mickey D’s where I was the cashier/drive-thru flunkie. I so resented that b/c I wanted to be a cook so that I too could melt Happy Meal toys in the SUPER microwaves during slow periods, but nooooo... I had a command of the English language and a full set of unbroken teeth, so I was a Cashier.
Food Court: I got in trouble in college and my $200 per month allowance shrank to $10.00 per week (my Dad is nothing if not strict), but the first time my ten bucks was late I suddenly realized that I could make my own money! I worked at the Underground Food Court on Southside. I was first hired as a cashier, but at the end of my time there I was the only person who could work in any and all of the shops (Taco Bueno, Whataburger, Chick-fil-a, Alonti Deli, AND the frozen yogurt/coffee stand.) Thas’ right! Mad skillz!
Taco Bell- Worked there for 3 months. Most notable for the fact that while they cook no food there, they have the most elaborate cash register set-up. Also, the drunk-asses that rolled through the drive-thru at 1am were funny, and I listened to T’Pau’s “Heart and Soul” about 1,200 times in the three months I was there.

List of Questions James Lipton Asks "Inside the Actors Studio"

2008-03-13T20:02:00.003-05:00

What is your favorite word? Weimaraner (it's fun to say)
What is your least favorite word? compromise
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? The big city. Just all those possibilities and new experiences crammed into an area.
What turns you off? People who are arrogant. Everyone should have a healthy ego, just don’t be a tool.
What is your favorite curse word? Cocksucker! (You gotta say it like “Cock-suck-errrrrrrr”)
What sound or noise do you love? Sounds of the beach are my favorite.
What sound or noise do you hate? When those needle-dicked asshats that install glasspacks on their trucks drive by in my apt. parking lot and make all the freakin’ noise. Y’know, I like speed as much as any other red-blooded Southerner, but unless I choose to attend a NASCAR event, I really don’t want to hear that shit.
What profession, other than your own would you like to attempt? Speech Pathology. I think I'd be good at it, but I've got to get my finances in order before I can pursue it.
What profession would you not like to do? Teaching. I haven't the patience.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Welcome in Aimee! Your family and friends are just over there.
Questions I’d love to shout out at any given time: Who/What the fuck is Veronica Mars?!?!

Lays I've Turned Down

2008-03-12T15:15:00.007-05:00

I guess I need to clarify this one. I realize that most guys, of a certain age, will basically take what they can get when they can get it. Not that all men are dogs (well…kinda….) but just that I’m not talking about all the chance meetings which could have turned into something physical. I’m listing here people who have:
1. Overtly pursued me
2. I had occasion to be in various sleeping quarters with them
3. I did not partake of their offers of carnal knowledge. (‘Cause I’m a germaphobic nancy.) :-)

Kyle, my lab partner- Nice guy, just not a guy I was interested in. I actually thought he was gay were it not for his asking me out. One evening we were studying in my dorm room; I was on the bed and he was on the floor. I glanced up to his staring at my cleavage (vantage point was in his favor). He silently lifted his hand and touched my necklace and traced up to my neck. I nervously laughed it off. (‘Cause I’m a germaphobic nancy) I never again saw him after that semester of Biology lab.

Bonie- Met this guy my first year working in VT at the F&W camps. He was probably about 6ft 5in tall, and from Africa, so he was a bit intimidating. Not only physically but culturally intimidating. I hate to admit this but I read and hear about different cultures and those things are frequently negative. There are men from certain ethnicities that I just would not date. Middle Eastern, for one, and oh yeah- MEXICO! Ha ha! I’m not trying to be the boss of anyone else, but I have to be the boss of me. Well, OK, relationships are about compromise so I’ll say I have to be the boss of 80% of me (there, is that enough leeway?!)
ANYWAY-he was also older than me so it was just all very intimidating. One night I let him take me out and we got back very late. We were about 45 minutes from camp, it was about 1am, and I didn’t want to wake anyone up, so I stayed at his apt. On his bed-he stayed on the couch. That next year he sent me fifty bucks for my b-day. Poor guy. He really was a nice man, just too much for my 19-yr-old self to deal with.

Claire A.-S’right baby, my hotness transcends gender and shit! Ha ha! This was my second year I worked at camp in Vt. and she was my co-counselor (sounds like a porno already: Camp Cunnilingus) and she admitted she did have a crush on me. Not to brag, but she was the 'belle of ball' that summer-everyone was trying to get into that woman’s shorts. There was even a summer scandal b/c one half of a very established lesbian couple tried to seduce poor Claire, they ended up kissing, Claire stopped it, and la Otra found out. That cuckolded woman cried and cried in every one of our song circles for the next 3 weeks! Anyway, Claire is bi, so she was awesome to talk to in that we both had guy probs and she wasn’t one of those granola nuts who thought the protein from menstrual blood was a viable substitute for plant food (uh…yeah, that conversation was uncomfortable, to say the least). Not sure at what point she decided she wanted to usher me into the ways of female-to-female pleasures of the flesh, but being that I was 21, never had a boyfriend, and didn’t trust men, I must have been ripe for the pickin’! Or so we thought.
The last few nights of camp were tense, ESPECIALLY after the kids left. We got a solid week and half or so, to do general clean-up once the final summer session was drawing to a close, where we were alone in a 3-sided cabin located in the middle of the wilderness, a good 4 minute walk from any other cabin, and in the darkest of darkness (for real, I’ve never experienced darkness like in the Green Mountains of Vt.) During the whole summer we had slept at opposite ends of the cabin, for the sake of safety and for the kids, but that final night Claire decided to move her bedding to the bunk right across from me. She also nabbed a small lantern, as we had already turned in the large one. I can clearly remember seeing her laid out, in her short shorts and navy blue tank top. Claire was on the swim team at Swarthmore, and her body showed it. Sleek and sinewed, her golden tanned, smooth skin was glowing in the lamplight, and I caught flickers of her green eyes as her head tilted when she spoke. We’re talking in the dark, with the night encircling the tiny waning flame of our lantern, and we reach a lull in the conversation. She looks at me, squints her eyes nervously and abruptly states: “I keep thinking of a song over and over again in my head and it just won’t stop.” Me: “What song?” Claire: (shyly singing) “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” I don’t remember what I changed the subject to, probably something stupid like “Don’t you just hate it when songs get stuck in your head?”. I wasn’t oblivious then, just scared, but I remember theorizing the following:
-You don’t have random encounters w/guys you’re probably never going to see again, why would you do that with a woman?
-Where are the butterflies? If I really wanted this, wouldn’t I have butterflies in my stomach?
And so…we never did consummate the attraction (Of course I was attracted to her, she was HOT! And smart, and sweet, and funny, and she didn’t expect anything from me except for me to be myself) We shared a few e-mails during that year, she did a summer at camp w/out me, and the next summer I did one summer w/out her, though she did visit. By that time I was with my ex, staying up until 4am talking on the phone (taking care of a dozen 12-yr-olds on no sleep just doesn’t benefit anyone), and when we got together I couldn’t get my head out of my ex’s ass long enough to have a nice time. Almost literally b/c I remember us sitting in the office (I was waiting for a call from him) and she was inviting me to go out w/her but I didn’t want to miss the call so I said no. WHAT AN IDIOT! For no other reason than it was a very immature thing to do; my ex was going to be around but for some stupid reason I ended up snubbing her. And though I have been hit on by other women since, I always tell myself “If you passed on Claire, there’s no WAY this chick would measure up.”

Clint- Met this guy in a bar in McQueeney (I really need to start lying about that) shortly after I came back to Seguin after A&M. He was a workin’ man w/workin’ man hands, and I am so a sucker for that. And he had curly blonde hair, which was very cute, and was about 4 yrs younger than I was. I’m sure this was a ruse, but at closing time he claimed his car wouldn’t start, and he lived in La Vernia or some mess, and it was a cold winter’s night (relative-probably about 30 degrees outside, but that’s cold in Texas), so he asked if he could stay at my place until he could get the situation sorted out. We were definitely tipsy, but not sloppy drunk or anything. I took a shower and got into my (very chaste and tactful) pjs before exiting the bathroom and found him passed out on my bed. I didn’t take the couch b/c:
1. I have a hard time sleeping in that living room ever since one of those huge waterbug/cockroaches once, in the middle of the night, fell off the ceiling and into my bed.
2. It’s a short couch so it’s not great for sleeping in. Napping- sure, a full night’s rest- not so much.
3. I’m not an animal! Geez, I can sleep next to someone and not have our genitalia converge.

And so I feel asleep, which was all good. While yes, I did just state that it’s not like I was a bitch in season or anything, we did end up cuddling a bit. I think that part of evolution really can’t be helped, but no kissing or fondling. What I DO remember the next morning is waking up on my back, peeking through my sleepy haze and seeing his hand very gently making its way south into my flower-patterned long johns bottoms (told you I donned chaste pjs that night!). I played it cool, feigned sleep and rolled over onto my side. His second attempt, however, led to my pretending he was just attempting to spoon thus waking me up. Shortly thereafter I drove him back to his car (he called someone to meet him there), and dropped him off. I also had to avoid that guy’s calls for a couple of weeks. What?! He was trying to GROPE ME in my sleep AFTER he had sobered up! YUCK! (Hmmm, wonder if that guy’s still available….) Ha ha!

Keith- It took me at least half a year to figure out this guy was interested in me b/c he was pretty shy. He had red hair, a red goatee, and hung out on the benches at Moore Hall during my final summer there. We went to Dudleys a couple of times, and he also came to my dorm room to watch Al Pacino’s “Looking for Richard”, which is about Shakespeare’s play “Richard III”. He watched the whole thing w/me (still think it’s a great movie) and called me a couple of times after he graduated and moved to Dallas. Why didn’t I latch onto that guy like white on rice? I dunno! I just don’t know how to turn that corner from friend to something else, and I guess he didn’t either.

Some guy my friends brought over for a party…just can’t think of his name: VERY cute, VERY smart, and taken. His gf went home to Mexico or the valley or something so he was flying solo that night. Everyone leaves the party (it was at my house) and he stays b/c we’re having such a good time sitting on the couch just talking and laughing. He asked to kiss me but I said I couldn’t b/c he had a girlfriend, and so we just kept on talking. Finally the sun came up, I walked him to his car and he said “Well, can I at least get a hug?” So we hugged (I fell really bad about this b/c I’m sure either my Papo and/or my grandma saw this, and who knows what they thought of me), but I didn’t see him much after that, maybe once or twice. I did, however, run into his gf a few of times and she was quite clear about what she thought of me. So unfair! I TOTALLY could have macked on him, but I would never do that. I guess I have to add “God-fearing” to germaphobic nancy.

Rick- Friend of an ex of Michele’s: Michele set us up b/c he was having a really hard time getting back into the game after a long term relationship. He wasn’t much to look at, but he was a nice guy. We had all gone out drinking, it must’ve been at least 2am and I’m still in S.A. My cousin and her BF had an apt. together at the time, and I’m not sure how we all split off, but Rick offered to get me a hotel for the night b/c he lived at home and he didn’t want me to think he was coming on to me. (I can vouch for that first part; we’d been to his house playing pool the weekend before and there was really no place to sleep in his house besides his bed) So we’re at La Quinta, he gets two double beds (we ended up in one), and I said I wouldn’t have intercourse and he said he wanted to give me “oral pleasures”, which in my mind is ten times more intimate than fucking, so we made out, then passed out. I heard he got back w/his ex shortly thereafter. Yup, I’m either forcing them out of the closet or into their previous failed relationship; I’m a real heartbreaker.

And so those are the lays I laid to the wayside. After I wrote this I realized all of these happened before I met my ex, and I’d hate to think that anyone would assume that I no longer say no, or even worse, that I’m no longer offered. (Ha ha! What an ego on this chick, huh?) I wouldn’t know, things are just…different now that I’m older. No more house parties, no more meeting friends in clubs, no more chillin’ in the dorm rooms, and no more camp. Nowadays it’s a date, a hug, and an internal “Thanks but no thanks” as you walk back to your car. Here’s hoping my days of polite declinations, and that one special “Oh YEAH!” are still ahead of me. (And yes, I too think it’s funny that I subconsciously turn most parting thoughts into toasts)

Pets I've Owned

2008-03-11T10:56:00.004-05:00

Ginger: Doberman mix. She would always jump on me, and she once scratched my face up, so mom made dad get rid of her.
Pepper: Pekapoo. She was the dog I grew up with.
Noah: One-eyed poodle. He was actually my brother’s dog b/c he kept shaving a Mohawk into his fur.
Woody: He was half Yorkie, half whatever-jumped-over-the-fence, and he took after his father. He used to chew holes in his pillow and then hump the hole. I'm still fascinated by this b/c while I realize most all dogs hump (even some females), but how did he know to make a hole first?!
Spivy: For some reason my brother bought a flying squirrel and he gave it to me. I have no delusions that he specifically bought it for me, I’m sure he just noted that this “pet’s” nocturnal tendencies were more than he wanted to handle, so I took care of him. When I went away to college I asked a friend to take care of it for awhile. She had to leave it in the bathroom at night (even when you KNOW there’s a flying squirrel on the loose, waking up and seeing one whizz through the air at 2am while you’re trying to sleep is still a bit disconcerting), and somehow Spivy drowned in the toilet. She didn’t want to tell me this so I actually found out about his untimely demise about 6 months after it happened.
Odoe: Guinea Pig that Phil, the resident “old guy still in the dorms” gave to my friend April and me upon his graduation. He was plenty old and died after about 2 months. He’s buried at the corner of the volleyball court in the Keathley-Fowler-Hughes complex at A&M.
Stimpy: Beta fish. That fish lived for about 2 years, and would’ve lived longer, only he got some kind of fish “ick”. It was gross to watch, and I bought stuff to treat him, but in the end there I knew he wasn’t going to make it. I wish I could have put him out of his misery, but the only thing I could come up with was lopping off his head, and there’s no way I’ve got the stomach for that.
Maize: Little white feeder mouse I saved from certain doom. She lived about 18 months. The best part about having a mouse as a pet was that my grandma was terrified of it. (HEY, she’s always killing roaches, picking them up and waving them at me while giggling her ass off. It was time for some payback!)
Bailey: Bichon Frise puppy given to me by my Dad during my final semester in college. I thought I could keep he quiet in the dorm room (it was summer, after all), but it proved too tough a task to maintain, so I asked my aunt Sylvia to watch her for me until the summer ended. By then she was too attached and couldn’t let her go. I was a bit upset, but it was for the best. I was too young and fancy-free to really take care of a pet. Plus, Bailey never did get the hang of the whole “peeing & pooping outside” thing.
Another fish, though I cannot recall the name….
Rootie: This is my DAWG! She’s the best dog I could ever hope to have. I love her little personality, she’s obedient with a sweet disposition, and the CUTEST dog ever. If ever I were to get behind cloning, it would be b/c of this dog.

Blah Blogging

2008-03-10T15:52:00.004-05:00

OK, let’s just get right out there and say it: this month's blogging sucks! The rest of it is hardly a masterpiece, but it does have it’s moments, whereas sharing my “to do” list at work and calling it a post is really…well, quite frankly it’s embarrassing. Here are a few lists I need to get behind:

Jobs I’ve held
Pets I’ve owned
Boys I’ve kissed (though I’ve actually already done that one and only have the one addition to make)
Lays I’ve turned down
Days I’d relive
Top Fears
Secrets I’ve Never Sent to Postsecret, but wanted to
Art projects that went kaput
Things I’d do in a day if money & time were no object
Things I’d do in a month if money & time were no object

Yes, that won’t take care of the entire month of March, but at least half of what is remaining. And does the fact that I STILL have not produced a satisfactory/even mildly entertaining list for you make me feel bad? No way! This teaser is what showmanship is all about ! Ha ha!

Things I Promised God

2008-03-10T09:16:00.000-05:00

if I'm Negative for HIV:

Will attend the Passion on Good Friday (If I'm off that day I'll do the whole shebangey-bang, if not, will attend as early as I can until the end.)
During my visit to see Eric in the Valley, I'll visit the Basiclica in San Juan, and attend confession.
I'll watch "The Passion of the Christ"

To Do List for Spring Break

2008-03-09T21:15:00.000-05:00

Donor letter
SOP for all processes
Response to Mittes
Start awarding schols
Potential school list
Potential TA list
Response to Wilkinson
Complete GOJAs

Americans Love Lists

2008-03-08T15:27:00.000-06:00

Places I'd Consider Moving To

2008-03-07T17:57:00.000-06:00

Portland, Oregon
Colorado
Cleveland
Austin
Chicago
The Valley (I DUNNO! But it's true)

Things I Wish I'd Done in The Valley

2008-03-06T19:26:00.003-06:00

Visited the Basilica in San Juan
Called Leslie
Not eaten at Johnny Carinos
Watched less TV
Drank more margaritas
Gotten some sun
Written down some shit that won't stop swirling around my head

Must Haves for a Night on the Town

2008-03-05T17:50:00.000-06:00

Debit Card
Drivers License
Loreal Shine Delice-Black Cherry
Five Sugarfree gum (flavor-Rain)
5 bucks in cash
cell phone
Great company (thanks Eric!)

Concerts I Wish I Could Have Seen

2008-03-04T21:53:00.000-06:00

Stevie Ray Vaughn
The Pixies
Van Halen
Jimmy Hendrix
Sex Pistols

Guilty Pleasures

2008-03-03T22:15:00.003-06:00

TV I feel like I'm too old to watch, but I still enjoy:

Gene Simmons Family Jewels
Rob & Big (Every time that 400 lb man says the word “doo-doo”, it just incites my soul to new heights of glee.)
My Gym Partner is a Monkey
Spongebob Squarepants
Orange County Choppers

Joan Rivers To-be

2008-03-02T19:03:00.001-06:00

Cosmetic procedures I’d consider today:
Permanent eyeliner
Laser hair removal for legs
Resurfacing of eye area (lasers only)
Botox on forehead (one wrinkle on left side that stays around longer than it used to after I squint)

Cosmetic procedures I'd consider down the line:
Possible eye lift (pretty big “maybe” here)
Botox around smile lines
Chemical peel
Tummy tuck
Boob lift (just reorganizing the shit that I’ve got-no additions)

March Madness

2008-03-01T21:59:00.001-06:00

Haven't put much (any) time into my blog lately, mostly b/c I've been so very busy. But the Nablopomo thing, which usually happens in November, is on again in March. Ohhhh, so you have no time to even pay minimal attention to your blog, so you've decided to fit in a blog post each day.... A'YUP! What actually sold me is the March theme of "lists". I whip out those stupid bulletins like nothing, so how hard could it be to make a list? Guess we’ll see

I’m starting out slow, so for your viewing pleasure, I bring to you: Songs I can sing from memory. Now, I’ll bet most of us can sing along to hundreds of songs, but are there any songs you can recall word for word, beat for beat with no music to help you along? Try it! Right now, sitting in front of a computer, open Word, think of your most favoritist song and try to type out all words. I was surprised to find I knew so few.

Beatles: Rocky Raccoon
Sarah McLaughlan: Possession
Beastie Boys: 3 Minute Rule
Weezer: El Scorcho
Aerosmith: What it takes
Indigo Girls: Galileo

Probably more, but I said I’d have time to write lists, not construct songbooks.

Ain't Nuthin' Goin' On But the Rent

2008-02-18T21:22:00.002-06:00

I gave up take out for lent, so I’ve been cooking a lot lately. Tonight was the first night that I’ve made chicken strips (from scratch) since being w/my ex. Not that is was so painful or anything, just that I’m not big on fried chicken (or fried foods in general), plus it stinks up the house. That last part, the final statement, is something it takes moths to forget. And now, being in an apartment, the “house” is smaller than ever, so I can only imagine that while I did close both closet doors, my clothes will convey “ode au Colonel Sanders”, therefore I will be smelling of chicken strips for the next couple of months, if I’m lucky.

My blogging has ground to a halt as of late, and for that I must blame the job (s) that have been taking up my time. And though I am gone, I hope I’m not forgotten! Latest and the greatest?

I thought I had a cold sore. As many of you know, I briefly dated a man in the late month of Nov, and most of December, and I have now convinced myself that I will soon get a cold sore. Yes, one of my greater fears, that of ORAL HERPES, has darkened my door and I am terrified that it will now strike. Saturday I felt a tiny bump right above the top of my lip on the left side. Since I’m still dealing w/stress acne due to my job, I initially thought “ZIT LIP! EWWWW!” and then the sinister voice inside my head halted all rational thought, and I was presented with the notion of the dreaded cold sore. Yes, yes, I know- most everyone had them when they were kids, blah blah blah…. But I’ve never had one. And in college I knew girls who did have them. Not only were they not of the “prudent and judicious” sort, but watching them brave through weeks of scabby lips made me realize very quickly that the heady powers of wielding your feminine wiles over an interested gentleman was just not worth catching an incurable virus that would plague you for the rest of your days. And so, this lead me to making a $15.00 purchase of Abreva today, despite the fact that this bump cannot be seen without the aid of 5X magnifying mirror, and a direct light source. A dear friend of mine called me and assured me that since it never tingled, and the fact that I only feel it when I’m poking/prodding, it is more than likely not a cold sore. Whatever…the generous applications of Abreva and fretting continue. And it has been a few days since, and I’ve since realized that I should have forgone the fifteen dollar investment in Abreva and simply plunked down three bucks for some Clearasil.

And some other things that have bothered me:
KFC Commercial. Not to make any wide-cast stereotypical observations about the kind of family that crowds around a bucket of chicken for a special meal, but only saying that even if there are teenagers out there able to cast dubious remarks about their father’s involvement with a “real band”, I can only hope that any teenager’s quip demanding to know if their mother was a groupie would not be met with a head tilt and a smile. Yes, a childless woman growing up in the 80’s with a strictest of patriarchs (cannot go shoeless, no talking at the dinner table-if you’ve never procreated, and may God help you if you utter the word “shut-up”), is just incapable of imagining a world where this is a delightfully charming slice of Americana.

I had a date with a blind guy. I went to a training session for my job, and I met someone I had gone to A&M with, lo those many years ago. And he’s smart. He’s now in grad school, not too conservative, and his folks are still married. (each fact earning him a grace point), and so the other day we went out for lunch. Weeeelll, maybe I should divulge a bit more. I agreed to read and record some chapters for him, b/c many of his textbooks are not in Braille, and I have actually done this before. So we’ve met quite a few times and had many good conversations in the process. This did not prepare me for the two facts that have halted this prospect in his tracks. And before I list these reasons, I must preface it with this fact: I can be one prissy bitch.

1. We were having lunch, and though we’d been speaking, regularly and in person for three weeks prior, I suddenly-and only while ingesting foodstuffs-freaked out about the fact that he does not cover his eyes and there is a milky white film and accompanying discharge (not much, but it’s there!) over his eyes. I had to stop looking at him during conversation in order to finish my lunch.

2. During these conversations I had casually noticed that there were a few times when his breath was not on par. But I just kind of explained these times away with “cotton mouth”, or “kitten’s breath”. On that final day I learned that this gentleman has halitosis. I have learned the following: I am a dick who cannot accept all the wonderful things a man has to offer, if a little something like stinky breath will get in the way.

Sharing. Growing. Learning (Well…two out three ain’t bad)

Another One Bites the Dust

2008-02-02T19:27:00.000-06:00

So the saga of the web hottie has come to a close. We finally met Thursday and he hasn’t called me since. In the interest of not bashing myself over the sharp rocks of my own self-hatred, I’m going to try to see the positive aspects. Y’know, this whole time I’ve just thought to myself “Your size makes men uncomfortable, and it’s just these shallow guys who have the problem.” NIEN! These last few guys were well aware of my chubbies, even to the point of celebrating chunky monkies such as myself- this last one even saw pictures of me BEFORE he drove down to Houston just to have lunch with me- and I STILL couldn’t bag a dude. Oh yeah…positive stuff about this…right. Well, it’s just that I need to stop focusing on this size issue and start figuring out how the hell I can get men to fall in serious like with me over the freakin’ phone, but when I try to seal the deal in person, it’s a no-go. I mean, I don’t have any overt problems getting to know people. In my line of work I’ve found that my personality actually goes quite a long way in terms of getting tasks accomplished by people whose job description does not include “help out the Scholarship Office”, and I’d like to think this is because I’m affable, fun-loving, down to earth, and just an all around hop-hop-happy woman. And yet! Shut down by men who liked me on the phone, then not so much in person. I’ve got some theories. Wanna here ‘em, here they go:

1. I’m not good at flirting. I’d say that out of the last 20 guys I’ve been attracted to, I let that fact be known to exactly none of them. Just not good at that aspect of the dating thing.
2. I’m not dumbing myself down for ANYONE! And if you’re the type of guy who’s got an ego made of spun glass, then buy a blow-up doll, shove a tape player up her ass, and play affirmations from Stuart Smalley until you feel like a man.
3. I don't "need" a man, and I think it shows. You see, in my little fucked up corner of the world, it is a compliment for a man to know that I can take care of myself in most every way, so the fact that I'm willingly taking care of their needs in addition to mine, means that I have such an affinity for them that they must be of a very specific and special calibur in general. Sadly, men do not see this as a compliment, but as a sticking point. (How do I even BEGIN to change that?)
4. I like to listen-I am a listener, and I like to learn, so details of anything from the stock market to taxonomy (and anything in between!), will be met with looks of interest and attentive questions. I can do this ALL NIGHT if you let me because the more you talk, the less I have to divulge about myself. Not sure if this is a bad thing, just thought you should know….

Whatever. I’ve been “trying” for about 3 months now and I think this experiment is done. I got my heart stomped on in December (when I’m at my most emotionally precarious), and now I’ve been royally dissed, yet once again, by the lowest blow imaginable. No really! You meet someone cold and you go in knowing there is a small chance sparks will fly. You talk to someone every day for 3 months and get to know them decently well, have them meet you, THEN decide you’re bad news. Try to brush your teeth and not second-guess your reflection with every stroke. Sighhhh…. I’m a tough gal and all, but even this hard-hearted lass with a brain in her head, a laugh in her heart, empathy in her soul (who’s not looking for some meal ticket I might add!), and some viable eggs in her ovaries is getting wary of the world.

Though I’m sure my romantic woes are interesting enough, I should move on. I believe I’ve solved my Superbowl dilemma. Instead of traveling to S.A. (gas+drinks), or going to a bar (drinks+appys), I’ve decided to watch the game in the comfort of my own postage stamp. That’s right, I was set back about $30 by purchasing the following:
Beer
Olives
Cheese
Crab salad
Baguette

And now Superbowl XLII is ON for the Aimster! It won’t be all that it could be, but it’ll be enough. Well, bedtime is early tonight b/c I have to open fed. letters tomorrow at 6am.
Life is good! (No really!) And any male with a working recollection of their initial thoughts upon meeting me are more than welcome to respond in order so that I may more ably see how I'm fucking this new guy thing up! (I won't be defensive, I just really want to know how I come off.) No really! You have my word: no repurcussions for telling me off! :-)

Almost forgot: My friend Jana’s got a theory that this last one didn’t work out b/c he's shallow, into thickies, and just didn't think I was fat enough. Thanks Jana. You rock.

Easin' on Down the Road

2008-01-20T11:58:00.000-06:00

Wow. Just got back from church after having not gone for the past 7 or so years. I had tried a couple of times to start going back to church, but the guilt of having left in the first place made me feel like I didn’t really have a right to ask to be a part of it again. You see, I used to go to church every Sunday from the age of zero, all the way to the age of 23. There were the 4 years of college, and though I wasn’t a regularly-attending parishioner at the church next to campus (St. Mary’s), I went a few times. But that’s different; college was my way of getting out from under my parents rules and doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. They made me go to church, they made me take dance, they MADE me be in band, so not going to church was just all a part of that. When I got back to Seguin, I just found it all again my own way. I even taught high school CCD classes for 2 or three years after college. The reason? I’ve always felt like it’s important to have that baseline faith.

Faith is really difficult to explain, but I think that when you have it, (or when it’s been placed on you for the first, formative decade in your life), it’s just a part of who you are. You can deny it, try to shut it out, and go about your life like it doesn’t matter, but invariably, when shit hits the fan, or when someone wonderful plops into your lap, it’s just reflex to think (or sometimes say) “Thank you God!” or “Help me God!”, whichever is more relevant to your situation. I think that’s key. The worst kind of feeling when you need help, or even just help rejoicing, is when you feel completely alone. No one is there to help you, or pat you on the back. I think, during those times, your faith matters the most, and as long as you have that faith, you’ll be OK. When I taught CCD I wasn’t all heavy-handed w/abstinence and other schlock you don’t want to hear when you’re a young adult. I just wanted to be practical about the fact that their faith is a resource, it makes you stronger, and even though right now you think you’ve got everything all figured out and nothing bad will ever happen to you, if/when you need it, it’s going to be there for you.

Ahhhh, but to practice what I preached. For years now I felt like a charlatan, but with my latest really stupid decision, I’ve been pushed more and more to go back to my faith. Not only by those I seek counsel from, but in other ways as well. I wanted to go to church last weekend. I looked up the info, kinda figured out where the church in San Marcos was, but I’ve been a bit of a shut-in lately. Everytime I made plans I would somehow just end up on my bed, watching TV or falling asleep. This, kids, is called depression (de-pre-shun) and it’s held me captive in my apartment for about 3 weeks now. So what happened today? Yesterday I went to Seguin, the usual 3 hour tour, and just hung out w/my grandma a bit. She showed me her little alters, which are dedicated to all of her kids and grandkids (and now great grandkids). She lights candles and prays for us all the time. That really humbled me.

Last night, as I was attempting to stave off the panic attack that peaks nightly, I took two sleeping pills. I always keep ice water next to my bed, b/c there’s nothing worse than being thirsty at night. Well, last night I was so groggy I must’ve knocked it over in my sleep b/c this morning I suddenly felt wet on my left side. My first thought was that Rootie had puked again in the night, but when I discovered it had no odor, I realized my bed was full of ice water. This was sufficient to wake me up entirely, had me look at the clock and read 7:07 am. The first thought that popped into my head was that I could make the 8 o’clock mass. And so I did.

I had grave reservations. Would I remember the prayers? Should I get communion? Would it just make me feel more guilty? And it was everything I didn’t expect. Within the first 40 seconds I closed my eyes and drew in all the sounds and smells to discover that I was home. Y’know how that first cocktail you have on an empty stomach when you just got off a particularly tough day at work, and the muscles on your shoulders just melt? It was like that. The homily was about coming back to Jesus, even if you feel you haven’t been close to Him. The deacon talked about the three ways to serve God: Praying, Being, and Doing. If you are committed to praying in your day, being a good person, and doing things that let others know you are trying to espouse His tenants, then that’s all He wants us to do. And that is helping me realize a few things about me.

1. I’m squandering every gift I’ve been given. If I’m not happy being overweight, and feel uncomfortable dating men at this size, I’ve been given the constitution to change that. I’m just not using it.
2. My attempts to downsize my lifestyle and pay off my debts have been largely half hearted. I’ve been doing stupid shit like dining out for lunch 3+ times a week, spending $60+ each weekend on intangible b.s. that isn’t improving anything about my life in any way. (Drinking, saying stupid shit, then going home alone is losing it’s appeal.)
3. I have got to stop waiting for life to happen, because the more I wait, the more I realize that NOTHING is going to happen. That in and of itself is not so bad; being cognizant of this and still watching things pass me by is criminal.
4. Stop wasting all the wonderful things in your life.

And so, these next few months of waiting are ushering in some positive changes in my life (NO pun intened). If nothing else than the fact that I’ve felt homeless since last May, but I now know I do have a place to go and feel safe and whole, and that’s all a home really is to begin with.

Prayers For Rain

2008-01-16T20:14:00.001-06:00

Though it wasn’t my resolution to post more, I will admit that since nablopomo, I haven’t done much with this site. I’ve been busy.
1) I was in a relationship
2) My relationship ended
3) I am now convinced that I have contracted HIV

Let me explain. I haven’t had many sexual partners. I have had intimate relations with 3 men in my life. Lost my virginity at 20, had a boyfriend for 4 years, then I met this last man. I thought I was entering a committed relationship and so I took care of business. I went to the doctor and put myself on the pill. The end. Having never really dated much, I just didn’t think about STDs. I mean, I asked him when he was last with a woman, and if he had ever been tested for STDs. He relayed he hadn’t had sex in 6 months and claimed that due to his gastric bypass, he has to get a full physical every year, including bloodwork. And I believed him.

I won’t go into the gory details, though I will say I have a penchant for falling for the loveable loser-the underdog who has great intentions but maybe hasn’t made the best of his life. Don’t get me wrong, this man owns a home, is self-employed, and appeared to take care of himself and his family, but he often called me “college girl” and my acerbic, sharp wit would often puncture his ego at the drop of a hat. And I fell for this guy. We had sex for about 2 and half weeks, many many times. Remember, I hadn’t been with a man in almost 2 years, and I was so taken in with the fact that he was really a man! I mean, my ex was 3 yrs my junior when we met and was only 26 when we broke up. This last guy was 37 years old. Very different, in a good way. So not only was I excited about FINALLY finding a partner, I was also extra eager at all the different, new ways I found myself with this man. And then the bottom fell out.

He really wanted to meet my parents so I set something up for Christmas Eve. A few days before he mentioned how his 17-yr-old daughter was looking forward to it too. Wait, what? I just thought it was too soon to get all La Familia involved, and actually was only setting up the meeting to begin with at his own behest. I’m good w/my folks not being a part of my personal life. I’ve got nothing to hide, but I’m also not of the opinion that coupling up somehow validates a person, so why get the opinions of loved ones all up in my bidness? Though I was completely open to the fact that dating a man with children was going to add another dimension to the relationship, I was ready. Or I guess I thought I was. I found that the number one way to piss someone off is to tell them you weren’t expecting their child/children to attend an event you invited them to. And, as I said before, the bottom fell out. Well, more like exploded.

Things did get a little ugly; I was very hurt but determined to stay away. I am of the mind that you can never talk your way out of “dumped”, and if things were that precarious to begin with, it did not bode well for the long haul. I’m not trying to find a husband, but I’m also not looking for Mr. Right Now. Then the panic attacks set in. AFTER things went south I asked him how many people he’d been with, like ever. His reply? “Too many to count.” And how many women had he slept with in the past year? “Six or eight.” Did I mention I was having panic attacks? I went to my doctor for an HIV test, which came out negative. I was told that HIV cannot be detected until 3-6 months after having contracted it. I’ve already counted off the weeks on my home calendar, which will put me at my second HIV test during the week of St. Patrick’s day. And the panic attacks rage on.

I understand the chances of a 32 year old woman who has had intercourse with 3 straight men in her life, and has never taken intravenous drugs, or engaged in other high risk activities is rather low. That thought NEVER enters my mind at 10pm when I’m certain my lymph nodes are aching as the HIV virus is even now replicating in my veins. And my thoughts then turn to the following:
1. How am I ever going to find a partner if I have HIV?
2. I won’t be able to have children
3. How will I tell my family?
4. My life will always carry the stigma of an HIV infection
5. I will never live to be 70
6. I know that I will die in a hospital of a painful and horrible disease

This is about the time I start breathing like I’ve run a mile, my chest tightens to the point of implosion, and my legs MUST WALK FORWARD, which is tough to do for any length of time when you live in a crackerbox “studio”-read efficiency- apartment. And this has filled my evening for the past 2 weeks. During the daytime I can disguise my anxiety fairly well, but there have been a few occasions where I have succumbed to tears at the thought that my life as a healthy person has largely been taken for granted and I now have no future to look forward to. I just thought that I was taking care of myself. Doing the adult thing by getting on the pill. I didn’t understand that at my age, other precautions must be factored in. I just didn’t understand.

Now, I just WANT TO KNOW! And if I am still negative, I WILL try harder to do positive things with my life. I WILL NOT feel sorry for myself. I WILL take more chances on life. I WILL NOT have ANY unprotected sex until a prospective partner has taken an HIV test at LEAST 6 months after we are together. Please, please Lord. Give me that chance.

NEXT!

2008-01-02T20:30:00.000-06:00

Made it through another holiday season-barely. I just always get so depressed during the holidays, but this year I’m trying to reach out more and not just stewing in silence. That’s tough for me to do b/c my very first reaction to anyone ever asking me “what’s wrong?” is “NOTHING!”, even as I’m laying in the fetal position, murmuring and rocking from side to side. But this is not a new thing. I’ve had my bouts of melancholy, and they mostly have to do w/feelings of isolation, and that is always exacerbated by the holiday season, as if being a single, nobody-wants-me loser is somehow more manageable during the other 50 weeks out of the year. And yet somehow it is…. ?? But you can’t peg it all on “nurture”, or some kind of fatalistic, self-fulfilling prophecy. Every year my mom loves to tell the story of my fourth Christmas whereupon the 2nd attempt to rouse me in order to celebrate all the joys Christmas morning has to offer, I stomped into the living room, sulkily tore open all my gifts, grabbed the natty Oscar the Grouch doll I had schlepped everywhere for the previous year (fitting, eh?), and stomped back to my room where I slammed the door shut behind me. I guess I was just destined to be a Grinch.

Now, you may say that I wasn’t ALWAYS single during the holidays, what with me previously being in a 4-yr relationship, but my folks and my ex didn’t get along. I’ve always wanted to go to midnight mass with someone I loved. I want to sit with my family on Christmas Eve while sipping on homemade hot chocolate (not that powdered crap that comes in pouches), or eggnog AND be able to adoringly gaze into the eyes of my sweetie. Or maybe giving that “Clint Eastwood” squint of mine for any behavior that is not Nieto-approved. Ha ha! I’m just saying that I’m not looking for perfection, but I just want to feel whole on Christmas. Not fragmented by having a loving family beside me and a boyfriend in another town, or vice versa because what ends up happening is that no matter where you are, or who you’re with, you always feel guilty when you’re spending time with one and not the other. And that was how every special occasion always felt while I was coupled up. (Except Valentines Day-parents have no place in all that.)

And this year was particularly difficult b/c I did, in fact, have a boyfriend when the Christmas season BEGAN, however I came out the other side single as the day I was born. I’m not good at breaking up; I do the whole woman thing of “how did I fuck that up?” with little to no regard for the fact that our goals, perspectives on life, and personalities in general are largely incongruent. But he was 6’ 3 and he had green eyes!!! Sigh….. I did learn that there’s just no way I can date a man who already has kids. This guy only had one of his girls, who was 17-yrs-old and was actually a sweet, cool, well behaved kid. And I STILL couldn’t handle that shit! If I don’t want to hang out in a mall for 4 hrs on a Saturday, then I DON’T WANNA! I don’t care if he promised her she could take a couple of friends to do her Christmas shopping, when all I want to do is go home, pop in a DVD and lounge around so that I can curl up in my baby’s arms, smooch, and I can pet his fuzzy tummy to my hearts content. But nooooooooo. I made the best of it; we people watched mostly, but it didn’t make me happy. That was never going to get better.

And I’ve been so down for the past two weeks that despite the fact that I am packed to the gills with booze (beer, vodka, AND wine) and have nothing but time on my hands as I am on my Christmas vacation, I got drunk exactly one time during the Christmas holidays (thank you much, Eric, you’re a king among men!), which just doesn’t fit. When I get upset I just can’t seem to make my mouth work. No really! I don’t want to eat, or drink, or talk, or anything. I just want to sit and NOT eat and NOT drink and NOT talk. (Only plus, I’ve lost 7 lbs!) This is why I just turn inward; who the hell wants to hang out with someone who won't open their mouth? I didn’t even go out for New Years Eve! Despite a couple of invites to do shit, I elected to stay at home (and not eat, drink, or talk). And on New Years Day I guess I finally turned that corner because for some stupid reason I started drinking beer at 2:30 in the afternoon and didn’t stop until midnight. The week and half of paid vacation was all spent sober and sullen and I decide to give myself a hangover for the first day back at work! Did I mention that I also have THE meeting with THE bigwigs on Friday, and have to get all kinds of stats together for a presentation? In two days. Well…now one b/c I only sobered up around 2pm this afternoon.

I’m thinking 2008 is going to be my year to make awful decisions, but at least it’ll be better than ’07 when I didn’t make any decisions at all.

Wash That Man Right Out of My Cervix

2007-12-24T03:48:00.000-06:00

Mother of GOD! The date. Tattoo man? We’ve been dating since then, and I’m pretty sure I’m falling for this guy. Then the web hottie is also still calling me, and honestly, I’m at a crossroads with that whole deal. The attractive part about tatman is that he is so very very different from myself. He’s very easygoing, works w/his hands and doesn’t have set office hours, he pretty much does what he wants, when he wants. That’s a good thing in the sense that hanging out with him is a bit like hanging out on the benches was in college; that feeling that nothing is pressing on your time or requiring your responses. That, however, is not my reality, and that’s where web hottie kicks in b/c we are so much more alike in many different ways. It’s not just a comfort, it’s also more pragmatic to think that if I were considering a long term partner, I would want to seek out affection from the web hottie. Problem: web hottie lives in Houston which is roughly 2.5 hrs away while tatman is a 35 minute drive from my homestead. Soooo…..I just figure that as long as I’m happy and learning new things, I should just live my life in a manner that is safe and productive. All notions of putting all my cards face up on the table need to be squashed. I’m not in a relationship w/web hottie nor could I see myself doing so unless he were to move to Austin, which is supposedly a goal of his, but right now I’m just enjoying my life.

Fast fwd to December 24th: I am single again. My grandma always told me never to trust a man who brings you flowers on the first date, b/c they have big issues to hide. Why oh WHY didn't I take heed to that shit? Oh well. Bruised, battered, and one shot of penicillin later, I'm as good as gold. Sighhh.... Lessons in life are so much more palatable when you can read about them happening to others.

2007-12-04T11:30:00.000-06:00

1. Want to get kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
In the snow. (Don’t like kisses mandated by plants)

2. Santa or Rudolph?
Rudolph

3. Stocking or presents?
PRESENTS!

4. Egg nog or hot cider?
ooooohhh…that’s a toughie. Today I’d say cider, but ask me later. I love me some egg nog.

5. Angel, or star on the tree?
Star.

6. Decorating the tree, or putting lights on the outside?
Tree.

7. Warm cozy fires, or sleigh rides?:
Sleigh rides! (You can get nice and cozy afterwards)

8. Expensive presents, or presents that come from the heart?
From the heart. I can buy my own presents.

9. Snow ball fight or snowman?
Awwwwwww!!!!! Can’t we do both?!

10.Coal, or presents?
Uh…what would I do w/a piece of coal? I can’t even draw. Besides, only bad kids get coal. (And for all these reasons and I few more, I'd like my presents now please.) ;-)

11. Open presents quick, or slow?
Quick quick quick! (What’s in there?!?!?)

12. Diamonds, or rubies?
Either is much appreciated, but diamonds go w/everything.

13. Caroling, or Christmas presents?
PRESENTS! (I can only sing in the shower and the car)

14. Snow days, or ice days?
Snow (Skating on ice is not cool when you're in a vehicle)

15. Red, or Green?
RED!

QUESTIONS:
1. Best Christmas present received?
Diamond earrings from my Dad.

2. What's the number one thing you want for Christmas?
If I tell you that then maybe it won’t come true.

3. If you were going out with someone, what would you want them to get you?
Their time and fidelity.

4. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
Nope.

5. Age you stopped believing in Santa Claus?
Probably around 7.

6. Do you send thank you notes?
Sometimes

7. Do you wake your parents up early to open your presents?
You’ve obviously never met my parents. HELL NO!

8. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song"

9. Have you ever had a white Christmas?
When I was younger and lived in Washington, and the one time we went to visit relatives in Michagan for Christmas.

10. Who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe?
The only person I've ever really enjoyed kissing, and he knows who he is.

Horrorscope for Saturday December 1st

2007-11-30T22:58:00.001-06:00

"You're a wind buff, she's punk; he's sloppy, you're sporty. Normally you'd never consider dating someone so different, but today, you find this person absolutely mesmerizing -- likewise. What's one date? You have nothing to lose."

Got a date with the guy my friends refer to as "tattoo man" tomorrow. The cosmos are feeling a bit more optimistic than I am, mostly due to his teenage daughters (2) and his penchant for sending me dirty sophomoric texts. (I'd say I'll fill in the rest later, but I've been blogging each day for a month now and unlike Dooce, this isn't my day job.)

Give Me an OUNCE of REASON!

2007-11-29T21:14:00.000-06:00

So I've got IPhone Fever and I've got it bad. I've had the same phone for two years now-a motorola 551-and I've been pining for a swanky phone for at least 4 years, but my good senses had reminded me how fast those items become obsolete, and how wasteful it is to spend money on such things, especially in light of the fact that I'm currently sacrificing my HOME and living in a freakin' DORM ROOM so that I can hasten the point of being debt-free. But my oh-my how I want one. I read alot about them today and though I know the technology will improve, I also know myself. There is no way in hell I would pay $500 for a phone, much less the initial pricetag of $600. Now that they're a leetle bit cheeper, I wonder if I would fare better by purchasing the first version and just upgrading, as I'm hoping Steve Jobs will allow for all those who shelled out the big bucks during the first go'round. OR, I may find myself one of the unlucky tech-mongers who ends up spending way too much money on the 3G phone, which is coming dear Lord, it just HAS TO!

Pant, pant, pant!

Nosey or Nice?

2007-11-28T17:54:00.001-06:00

Weird day.... My friend Ed's mom apparently died over the Thanksgiving holiday, and one of our mutual friends called me today to let me know. So later on today I called Ed, but he never even told me that his mom was sick so I didn't really know how to approach the subject, y'know? And sooooo....I didn't. He didn't bring it up either. I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner tonight and he's going to call me back to see how he feels after his massage, but even if we don't have dinner we'll probably go to lunch this week and I just don't know what I should do. I'm kinda lying when I don't tell him that I know his mom has passed, but I don't want to get in his comfort zone when he hasn't offered up the info. ?????

Handsome Germs Are Still GERMS!

2007-11-27T22:05:00.000-06:00

This afternoon one of my Casanova Juniors came into my office to ask me about his status. I’ve got a handful of these young studs who try to chat me up b/c they think that flirting w/the lady w/the power will help them out in some way. And for the most part they’re right, BUT I give ALLLLL students the line “You know where my office is, if you have any questions, feel free to come by.” Some choose to view that as an opportunity to get one-on-one counseling and others choose to think that with a little nudging, I’ll date/make out w/them. (As if; I'm too ethical for any of that "dating students" jazz) But this is one of those students. Anyway….he comes in and tells me he has a cold, blah blah, we’re talking about Thanksgiving, and he STILL has not fulfilled one of the requirements, so while I’m working on his file he calls his mom on his cell and HANDS ME THE PHONE! Even though he KNOWS he has a cold! What a tool!

I’m so scared that I’ll get sick this coming month b/c I have so much riding on my work performance in the next 5-6 weeks. I won’t be able to take any sick time off, which would REALLY suck b/c I’ve got 350 hrs of sick time just sitting there waiting to get absorbed by the state when I don’t use it. Stupid young Latin Lotharios. That’s it. Tonight my bedtime is 10:00 pm.

Delayed Reaction

2007-11-26T19:34:00.000-06:00

I’m just about all blogged out, especially after today. But I never got a chance to gloat about the Aggie win this weekend!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Sunshine DAY!

2007-11-25T16:54:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday of NABLPOMO, or in non-dork terms, posting every day. YEAH! This blog is getting too whiny and personal, even for me! Today I haven’t done much and am currently attempting to pamper myself as much as possible in preparation for the work week ahead. I’ve given myself a pedicure, a facial, and I’m now doing my nails. Ahhh…and drinking some Guinness to compliment this cold, dreary day. Hopefully when the week gets stressful, as I’m sure it will, I can hearken back to this day and remember that other days like this will be just around the bend. (Guinness is LOVELY, isn’t it?)

I Pity The Fool! (The Fool in the Mirror)

2007-11-24T19:48:00.000-06:00

Wow. That was definitely top 5 worst date ever. First of all, there were a few things about him that I conveniently forgotten, such as his s l o w story-telling, and his agreeing to everything you say, which is normally an indication of understanding. This guy then plays himself out by relaying the same concept about 7-10 minutes AFTER you’ve already talked about it! It was like going out on a date with Forest Gump. Oh yeah, and I had thankfully dumped out of my memory a story he told me where he took it upon himself to teach his cousin a lesson b/c she wasn’t spending enough time taking care of her two dogs. So, he shot them. (!!!!!!!) If that wasn’t disturbing enough, after one of them was shot, the other tried to run away, and he proceeded to give me details about how he hunted it down. Of course I was giving him all sorts of verbal and non-verbal cues that the story was disturbing me, but he wouldn't stop. I finally had to tell him to STOP, looked him in the eye, and then had to say “I really do not want to hear about that story anymore because it upsets me.” To which he dutifully agreed, and went to the next topic like he had just been relaying the new colors in his redecorated bathroom.

This time around wasn’t much different. It took about 10 minutes for all this to come flooding back and realizing that I had made a HUGE mistake. So the meal goes forward, and it’s a mom & pop joint, so the bill came about 5 minutes after our meals were presented. At no point in time does he motion for the bill. Y’know, I’m not one of those chicks who goes out for an evening with my drivers license and five bucks in my purse; I always make sure that if I’m out, I have enough money to cover myself, but the very gesture is a sweet one. There’s a hint of generosity, and even some amount of chivalry when a guy takes care of you for an evening. This guy hasn’t come to that point of understanding. When we got up to leave, I had to take the check were I proceeded to ask the cashier to split the bill. I'm nice, but not so nice as to pay for this guy's meal when it was never even my idea to go out in the first place.

So the meal has taken an hour and half, and I’m ready to bounce, but he keeps wanting me to go to his house to watch a freakin’ movie! He had mentioned "his land" many many times, and how he needed to purchase some livestock so that he could get some tax break, so there was just no way in hell I was going to become a missing person’s statistic. When I jokingly told him this he said that he was talking about his “real” house, which was in a neighborhood in Luling. This made a little more sense because before then he had told me how everyone had met at his house for Thanksgiving, which was a pain for him b/c he had to clean his house from top to bottom beforehand.

It’s still pretty early in the day, so I did agree, but I made sure to take my own car and followed him to his house in Luling. When we got there I noticed a lot of cars in the driveway, which took me aback a bit. We’re walking up the path, he’s got this shit-eating grin on his face (yes...whatever, you won; I'm going to your house), and I ask him if he still lives with his parents, because he has made NO MENTION of this during any conversation that I’ve ever had with him, and has referred to “his place” many many MANY times. So I had to meet his mom and Dad, and then he ushered me into his room. Basically I’m a 31 year old woman who’s about to watch a movie in a guy’s room while his parents decorate the living for Christmas -flashbacks to being 16 years old ensue. A room, I might add, that only contains a king-sized bed and a TV snuggled into a corner. I don’t know where this fool keeps his clothes (that his mother washes for him, no doubt), but I had to open the door two times (he turned out the lights, put on the ceiling fan, then closed the door within seconds of me picking out a movie), made it a point to sit on the bed in the furthest spot from him, and was out of his room by the time the rolling credits hit the top of the screen.

That is IT!!!! Ice queen may have to come out of retirement because I’m just appalled at myself for having spent 6 hrs and about $30 on having a shitty time with a guy who hasn’t quite made it up the step on the evolutionary ladder where normal conversations are a part of his repertoire. I had come to a point where I started to feel like shit for being so mean to men, but at least I didn’t have to go through things like this! I’m having a beer to release the tension in my shoulders, and I’m taking this as a learning moment: NO MORE PITY DATES, EVER!!!

Trust is a Must

2007-11-24T12:12:00.000-06:00

The time has arrived. I can no longer stave off seeing Sammy. I’ve ignored calls, texts, and given him more excuses than I’d like to admit, but today I’m meeting him for some Chinese in Seguin. I shouldn’t be so dramatic, it’s not like he’s a creep or a bigot or anything, just that it’s work to keep the conversation moving forward. And the fact that his most favorite answer is “Uhhhhhhhhhh, weeeeeeeeeelllllllll………. I dunno………” doesn’t really help either. Last time we went out he wore colored contacts (green to be exact), which is lame but not unforgivable. The kicker is that he only wore one. No joke! And it wasn’t some kind of homage to Marilyn Manson or anything, one was bothering him so he took it out. I am by no means a fashion maven, and though I am fortunate enough to not need contacts or other visual aids (yet), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if I were in a similar situation, I’d swallow my pride and defer to glasses. On the “lame-ass” scale of 1-10, wearing glasses doesn’t even register while wearing only one colored contact is at least a 7.

And in other news, I’ve decided that I need to stop being so hard on myself with this whole “once bitten, twice shy” thing I’ve got going on w/the web hottie. Trust (or mistrust) has been the central focus of allllllll the fears that have guided my largely celibate and singular existence up to this point. This is the part I need to come to terms with. I need to start taking risks, enjoy these freefalls, and put them into context of lessons I can learn about life and about myself, even if they don’t work out for me. And that's another thing, who's to say it won't work out for me? I mean, I’m not giving out my ATM PIN, or subsidizing any trips to Aruba w/strange men, I’m just making a commitment to being more open and available. (Not too available…if Sammy thinks he’s getting even to first base, he’s got another thing coming.) :-)

Day After Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T14:14:00.000-06:00

....oup, oyster stuffing, and giblet gravy. :-) As you can tell, yesterday was quite a busy day. Thanksgiving was fun! A few games were played, I met a lot of people, got to see old faces again, ate some great food and had an all-around good time. I also got a chance to talk to my web hottie yesterday, though I'm still on the fence w/that one. We've been texting more, and I'm finding myself enjoying talking to him more and more. What I mean by "on the fence" is a bunch of unfounded suspicions I cultivated the other night. No more weirdness has ensued, and I'm just nervous that I'M the one w/the problem. At the moment we're not doing anything but talking and I may be so far out in left field w/my suspicions the other day that I'm hesitant to bring it up. We've been talking now for about 3 weeks. I'm thinking that accusing him of soliciting affections from women who would unknowingly commit adultery (if that's even possible), probably isn't the best way to start things. So for now I'm going to go forward and see how it plays out.

This afternoon I've done nothing, which has been nice. Sorry to see that LSU lost today, but I'm hoping A&M will pull out a win today. I haven't gotten much sleep in these past few days, not including the depressive state of affairs I've been juggling at work. I'm thinking I'll try my best to stay awake as long as I can so as not to wake up fully rested at 2am, and plan the rest of my weekend from there.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T14:29:00.000-06:00

Whew, I made it! Ok...gotta go now. :-) I'm actually in my office waiting for a coworker so that I can unload a shi tzu puppy for my cousin. Wait...what? YUP, I'm an idiot! Not b/c I'm lending a helping hand to others today, but because I've been cooking from 8pm until 11pm, then up again at 5:30 am until now. I've got a turkey, stuffing, baked potato s

P.S.A.

2007-11-21T08:03:00.001-06:00

If you’ve had a shitty day at work and decide to drink 6 bottles of Tecate beer w/lime wedges, do NOT then eat a Tostinos canadian bacon pizza at 10:30pm. Just trust me on this one.

Thoughts are Flowing Like a Riiiiii-iiii-ver....

2007-11-20T19:48:00.000-06:00

Drinking my dinner tonight. This week has just been such a roller coaster! First I’ve got this cool, new guy to talk to, and though I am a woman of 31 (and three-quarters), the 13 year old in me just leaps out and starts thinking what life would be like if this guy is really “the one”. I'm not naming nonexistent children or anything, but just shit like 'Wow, maybe we could go to the coast!" and "Where would we spend New Year's Eve?". Then he starts acting shady and I feel like such an IDIOT (once again) for having faith in strangers. Strike that-strange MEN who are holding themselves out to be interested in finding a serious relationship.

Then, it’s that time of year again when the IRS needs seasonal employees to help during the big tax push that is approaching. I go to the session and just having a good time all around. This may seem really strange (or pathetic), but this work orientation had me in such a good mood! It’s just that so many people get shy when they’re introduced to a room full of strangers, but I don’t. I’m not that dumbass who asks a bunch of questions and takes advantage of this ready-made captive audience, but I’m just good at putting people at ease by being my friendly self. And that made me feel so good. 20 minutes later I’m back at my crap job where I’ve been told to hire a temp, but am getting NO HELP as to how to do this (and it’s important not to haul off and make my own decisions, b/c you can bet that anything amiss will be taken out of my ass if I do it wrong), then the director’s secretary comes in and asks “Where is it on our website that you have to be admitted by the scholarship deadline?” and my response (at the end of this shitty day) is “Is it already time for those nutbags to come out?” [Do you think a large university is going to NOT cover their ass and post everywhere they can that in order to be considered for scholarships you must be admitted first, which is the SAME requirement made of EVERY large university in this state?] I was then told by the secretary who had walked into my office that she was wearing a headset, and that the person awaiting the answer (the nutbag) was listening. Can I make ONE decent decision?! \

And with this whole scholarship thing; this is a HIGHLY political process which is a very important tool for recruiting and getting our enrollment numbers up. How much training have I had? Not one planned meeting. Not ONE! I realize I’ve been in this office for the past 5 years, but I have not had a hand in this process in the past 2 years. The woman who previously held my position was scheduled to meet w/the Assoc. director every afternoon (4 hrs) for an ENTIRE WEEK. I’m not getting the benefit of any of that. And the really fucked up thing is that I can’t ask for the help b/c that will only cause me more problems. At present there’s this “Just ask for anything you need” kind of mentality. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS B/C YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? Guess we’ll all find out.

And so here I sit w/my 6 pack of Tecate (bought b/c I remembered I had a lime in the fridge w/no other earmarked purpose), munching on banana chips and considering what I should be packing for my short trip home tomorrow. Not so much in the clothes dept (I can pack for a week’s trip in about 20 minutes), but since I’m making the turkey at my Dad’s I have to make sure I remember all the groceries I bought. Can you imagine me having to brave the stores, THEN having to deal with enough celery to fell a small rabbit in the coming weeks? Happy thoughts…and another Tecate. I’ll be OK.

Add "Men" to the "SUX List"

2007-11-20T17:42:00.000-06:00

Feeling icky. OK, so I’ve been talking w/the web hottie for a few days now, and I realize that with this kind of thing you’ve got to be really mindful of the fact that people can purport to being any number of things. You just have to take a leap of faith when accepting some stranger’s word on face value. Having said that, things started getting a little sketchy this past weekend. We checked out each other’s myspace pages and his has a completely different name on his myspace than the one I know him as. He said it was due to keeping his privacy, which I understand, but that’s why many people use web handles, like “Rrroja” or “MsCopperhead”, but most people don’t use actual names of other people to disguise themselves, y’know. I’m pretty sure that when someone sees my web name they’re not banking on the fact that it’s my true name, and I’m not really comfortable with someone who does misrepresent who they are in that way. Also, he asked me to be a contact for his Yahoo IM, and the same name that was on his myspace account shows up there too. Again, he assures me that I know his true given name. (But he has yet to give me his surname….)

Then yesterday I notice that he’s started calling me while he’s on his way to different places, which is a peeve of mine but it also gets me to thinking. Last night he said he was going to his friend’s house b/c he just always goes there Mondays to watch football. He gives me a call afterwards and when I ask the score he states that they didn’t actually watch the game b/c:
-His friend wanted to talk to him
-The “other” guys were rushing him out b/c they didn’t want them to watch it at their place.

????????????

I relayed that he already told me it was this standing Monday night tradition, and he starts trying to back-peddle his way out of it. That’s not the kicker: he’s driving home, he goes to a convenience store to buy a coke, he arrives home and sits in his car to talk to me, under the pretense of devoting his total attention to me, to make up for the convenience store thing (‘cause you know I said some shit when the call is breaking up the entire time, THEN he tells me to ‘hold on’ while he talks to the clerk as he’s making his purchase). Yes, things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

Lastly, I ask him if he texts much, b/c I know he IM’s (as relayed above) and he’s got Bluetooth and a Blackberry, so I figure I can text him a picture. He says that he hasn’t “set it up” to see pics yet, but I should e-mail the picture to him. This is huge to me. The reason I found out about my ex’s shenanigans was b/c of the phone bill, and not b/c I was snooping around but b/c there were SOOOO MANY TEXTS to that chick, at all hours of the day and night. The phone company lists them out one by one, and it’s really tough to justify 30+ texts you’re sending to a chick every night after midnight for weeks, ya feel me? All I know is that one of my students has a piece of shit PDA, off brand from when they first came out, and THAT can send and receive pics, so why can’t this guy, who has a Blackberry, do it too?

At the end of the call I was pretty disgusted, so I half-heartedly grunted when he said he’d talk to me tomorrow, and cut him off short w/the disconnect. I don’t know if he realizes the jig is up, but I’ve got some shit to deal with. If he does call back I’ll have to tell him how I feel, I just hate being the nutty jealous person, y’know? Then again, I told myself that way back when, and I was right; I wasn't the only person in my ex's life. They say a women’s intuition is usually right. Back to the old drawing board.

“Now serving psycho-jerk number 1258….. “

Bulletins on Myspace do SO Count!

2007-11-20T16:55:00.000-06:00

If I looked on your bed, what would I find?
Nail polish bottles, dog treats, and Rootie’s brush.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Open b/c I’m the only one in my apt.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
Socks “folded” in on themselves, but I don’t fold my chones. Who's got time for that shit?

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Love love LOVE to sleep on my stomach with my hands underneath the pillow. Sighhhh…(wish I was doing that right now)

Are you a cuddler?
Made, not born! But yes, I am.

What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Errant pens and Q-tips. (not used ones!)

Something that happened today that made you angry?
People seem to be grouchy today. I don’t like it when folks are shitty to you just b/c they're in a bad mood.

What were you doing before this survey?
Contemplating aaaaallll the shit I have to do and feeling like I have no help.

What will you do after this survey?
Further contemplate aaaaalllll the shit I have to do, and lament the fact that I feel as if I have no help. (And maybe get a 6 pack from HEB.)

Marriage or living together?Meh…

What are you wearing right now?
Chocolate brown skirt, peach top, brown Bostons.

How many times have you been in love?
Well, it all started with Jonathan from New Kids on the Block…

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
Sometimes, if I'm bored.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Depends on who I’m with.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Yep.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Make sure Rootie is A-OK.

Last person you told you love them?
The folks or my grandma.

sneeze with your eyes open or closed?
Isn’t it physically impossible to keep ‘em open when you’re sneezing?

Bite or lick?
I’ll stick w/licking, though I like to nibble.

Last argument you got into?
Why I won’t go to Chipotles b/c it’s owned by McDonalds, but I will go to McDonalds.

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No.

Whats one thing about your best friend?
She needs a haircut. As I was relaying to Katie, she looks like a cotton ball dipped in iodine.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
Sometimes, if I’m very tired.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
YES! But just for a weekend.

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
singlesnet.com (This world is against me, I SWEAR!)

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Thanksgiving, and figuring out what my plans will be for New Years.

When will you turn 50?
Too soon, I’m sure.

Are you ticklish?
Very.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Anywhere drinkin’ beer with a friend (or two).

What song are you currently listening to?
Some indie stuff playing on Launchcast.

Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Not “blacked out” but just fallen out from exhaustion, definitely.

If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do?
I don’t know….get angry, that is certain.

What makes you laugh?
Simpsons

Who's the best Spice Girl?
n/a

What time is it?
Time to go HOME!

Sticky Icky

2007-11-19T18:31:00.000-06:00

Had A run in w/IT today. The shitty part is that I was joking around, but the woman who had been running the meeting for a good 20 minutes already asked me directly:“Is there a way that we can help you with this issue?” And since the whole thing was for them to update our deposit log, I guess I just didn’t know exactly what she wanted, so I said “I thought that’s why we were all here today.” BUT I WAS JOKING! To a room full of strangers. Who then thought I was a dick. Sighhhh…. For all the smack I talk about having the strength to be single, I could really really REALLY use a hug today.

Sunday, Sunday

2007-11-18T20:11:00.000-06:00

I’m talking a lot to the guy I met from the web, and things appear to be going well. Although I really do enjoy talking w/him I can’t help but feel that I am but one in a number of women he’s conversing with, mostly because he’s got such a charismatic and playful personality, and that puts doubts in me regarding his longterm intentions. But I know I’ve just got to squelch those feelings, not get too hopeful, and just be myself until this thing gets ridden out. Not to say that in a negative way because “riding this out” may lead to 2 kids and a minivan (shudder), or it could mean a wacky weekend in a hotel somewhere and not much more. I just need to try my best to be open to the future, and be prepared for either eventuality.

I've also discovered that my lower back pain is back with a vengence. On the one hand it's kinda cool that my body has this kind of internal shut-off which comes into play when I hit a certain weight. I'm not clear on what number that is b/c usually by the time stop caring enough to gain more weight, the LAST thing on my mind is weighing myself. But rest assured that I could not ever turn into one of those shut-ins that have to be cut from their homes b/c my back would not allow it. It's only been hurting for about 5 days now and I've already taken some action on addressing the issue. This morning I awoke at 9am so that I could use the walking track around the hospital, which is across the street from apt. complex. I really hope I can commit to the endeavor, which will take about 30-45 minutes a day. The only part that might throw me is Rootie, because I want to make sure that I take her out when I get home from work, but she expects me to stay home when I get there. If not, she howls, which probably won't go over so well w/the neighbors. Eh...she'll get used to it, I'm sure.

And I was able to recreate my bonfire bottle, which I had previously broken a while back. (I may have blogged about this last night, but I was drunk and don't remember.) In any event, it's looking fine and better than ever! I just hope I never break it again b/c goldschlager and apple juice is one disgusting way to spend an evening.

Tomorrow is the day, it'll be just me in the office. In one way I'm looking forward to it, but in other ways I'm nervous that it'll be stressful. Though this weekend did make a dent in my current stress levels, I really want to ride out this week before the shit really hits the fan next month. The scholarship deadline is December 1st; that'll be the beginning of the end for me in the next oh....4 months of heavily scrutinized, visible and highly political processes that I've been placed in charge of. Can hardly wait!

Bonfire Bottle Pt. Deux

2007-11-17T18:31:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'm watching "Transformers" for the first time. THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS! I dunno why I always feel like a 19 year old inside, and I don't know how long this will last, but I do know that this movie ROCKS!

Tonight I'm drinking alone b/c I accidentally broke my old "bonfire bottle" waaaaay back from my Aggie days. It fell off the fridge and made me very very sad. I shortly had the idea to simply buy another small bottle of Goldschlager and put my bonfire ashes back in there, and that's what I'm doing tonight. Since I'm not much for liquor I'm mixing it w/apple juice. I'm thinking I should've just shot it, b/c now I've got about 8 cups worth of this apple juice/goldschlager mix that's making me want to urp. Sighhh.....

Funky Friday

2007-11-16T19:34:00.000-06:00

YES! The week is DONE! I have been so grumpy all day long b/c I just feel so burned out from work. I'm sure I was not fun to work with today, but I was open about this w/my coworkers and let them know I just needed to get through this last day of the work week because today, (finally), MY WEEKEND begins! I don’t have anything going on other than sleeping late and keeping my nose clean. Just can’t wait!

The Chorus Line was OK. I honestly thing they were a little too ambitious in taking charge of finding nearly 20 Texas State students who could sing, dance, AND act. They found 2 that could, another 5 that could do it well enough, and the rest were just out there sucking at one thing or another. That made it difficult to get into the story. As soon as I got home last night I turned my phone on to find that my web hottie is nottie (he didn’t call) but my old pal Juan was once again phoning it in. You see, I hadn’t heard from my friend Juan since he punked out on me for Renfest, which you can read about here. It’s upsetting to me b/c he only calls when he needs emotional support, yet he doesn’t provide me with the most basic of friendship building blocks: trust that he won’t stand me up when we make plans. I don’t think I’m that big of a pain in the ass to hang out with, so I don’t really “get” why it’s such a big deal to go through with plans to chill with me, but I do get why he calls me when he’s sad, and just as George Michael and his counter part “the other guy” from Wham! So eloquently stated: “You’ve shown me you can take, you’ve got some giving to do.” I was nice to him, we talked for a while, but things aren’t the same. Nor should they be, he’s burned me many many times through the years, so we’re never really going to go forward with anything deeper than a chat here and there. Meh. Could be worse.

AWWWW MAN! I just got up to go to the bathroom and that guy called! He didn’t leave a message though. Should I call him back? I HATE THIS!

Ain't Nuthin' Goin' On But the Rent

2007-11-15T17:53:00.000-06:00

Just spent the past 9 hours in our Executive retreat with 6 people who really don’t want me on their team. The good thing is that I’ve been able to put my thumb on why. I mean, I’ve always had a general sense of why I was never going to be “one of the gang”, but I’m the kind of person who knows that life is an ever-changing and ever-evolving process; I'm open to the notion of change, (i.e.if I learn that others think I’m a tool, I’m going to try to be less of a tool). And lately I've been second guessing myself b/c I see how content everyone on the executive team is, and I sometimes get this wave of "What if the real problem is you?". But now I get it. My director doesn’t like me b/c I am not a proponent of keeping the status quo, and I do not kowtow to bullies. The difficult part for me is knowing how ineffective I am in this position. Other ideas are viewed with an openness that is suddenly obfuscated when my voice hits their ears. If I had one shred of respect for those who are most determined to let this be known to me, it would bother me greatly. Currently, I ain’t sweatin’ it.

In other news, Ed texted me around 3 telling me that we have reserved seats for tonight’s play, which means I’m going. Not for my sake, but I don’t want to punk out on Ed. Every part of me wants to shower, plunk down on my bed and paint my nails while watching Discovery and be asleep by 10, but I can’t. I’m a little nervous that my most recent suitor will call me while I’m at the play. I’m hoping he’ll call me before so that I can let him know I’m not avoiding his call. Se la vie!

T-Minus 6 Days 'Till The Giving of Thanks

2007-11-14T22:46:00.000-06:00

Bought a turkey! That’s right, for the first time ever I’m going it alone on Thanksgiving and am making my first turkey all by myselfee! Yes, a bit scared b/c those I’ll be serving are going to be relative strangers, meaning that they won’t be as forgiving as say, family members if I goof this up, but as an added measure I am also doing this in my teeny tiny kitchen, miles and miles away from all of my kitchen gadgets and much needed space. My Dad has offered to have me use his kitchen, but I’m not so sure…seems too much ilke cheating. Dad and I make a turkey, two kinds of stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and at least one green dish (spinach salad, green beans) every year. I won’t feel like I’ve really feel like I’ve done it myself.

In other news, finally talked to one of the guys from the dating website; so far so good. He talks…a lot, but he’s not stupid, has a good sense of humor, and doesn’t take himself too seriously. I don’t much care for him calling me “Beautiful” b/c I’d like to know that he recognizes who he’s actually talking to (no really, some guys call everyone “Sweetie” just to avoid dealing w/the whole calling out the wrong name issue), but other than that, I’m really looking forward to talking to him again.

I’m a little nervous that I’m becoming more of a homebody. Lately it just seems like I’ve been out doing crap and just on the go a lot. The job is busy, I went to Renfest, then Wurstfest, then out to dinner w/Mel, traveled to Seguin b/c my mom was in town, out to dinner w/Ed, then tonight I had to drive to Seguin again for Rootie's shot and it was my grandma's birthday today, and now Ed invited me to see “A Chorus Line”, which I don’t mind doing, I just kinda….want to be home and not have to do anything else for a solid block of time. When I think about it, it’s not really all that much, and I should feel fortunate to not be doing the whole zombie-dance of home-work-home-work-home thing. I’m just realizing that I need the decompression time whereas I don’t think I needed that as much when I was younger. I’m hoping this weekend will prove to be relaxing one.

Next?

2007-11-13T18:55:00.000-06:00

Busy day. Too busy. Actually, it’s my own fault that it went south; I had a 3 hour block in the morning that I unwisely decided to fritter away on the interweb. Then it all hit the fan. My project was to make a timeline that will be given to our highest ranking new students. I did that. My new boss asked to have me submit the draft to her instead of the team, for her consideration. She turned it into something I would NEVER submit to anyone, much less all the higher-ups. I was lamenting this fact to my former supervisor who stated that all of our publications went through an iterative process, and that my boss would have a better grasp of what is being asked of us, and that she would present and defend it to the group. It made me feel much better. One hour later I was told to fwd the draft to the bigwig group and ask if any changes were needed. !!!!!!!!! FUCK ME! Sighh….

I just got promoted and am newly supervising 2 staff members. The problem is that our office has a vacation policy whereby we have to submit vacation requests before the semester begins, and both of my coworkers have had time approved by their previous supervisors, which just all around sucks for me. They both have the entire week of Thanksgiving off, which puts me in the hot seat. The extra $400 per month is NOT cushioning the daily shit I’m getting knocked around with.

Tonight I’m off to meet my friend Ed for dinner and wine. He just got back from a cruise and I’m off to hear all about it. OH, and one of my web hotties gave me a call and I’m not sure whether or not to call him back tonight. I’m just tired and don’t think I’d be in a good frame of mind to meet someone new. We’ll see…

I Scream

2007-11-12T19:21:00.000-06:00

I wrote this on June 11, 2007:

1. My former roommate's cousin has a crush on me. I've known this for awhile but I was able to wiggle out by saying I didn't feel I could date someone related to my roommate, b/c if things went south it would be uncomfortable. Well…no more roomie and no excuses. Why am I trying to make excuses? He's a nice man, but just not as…cerebral as I'd like. It's tough to talk to him b/c the cylinders are firing at a slower rate, and that matters to me. A lot. Went on date, had a nice time, but there are two problems:
a. Apparently he has a history of getting wasted and getting into fights. I have never EVER been in a physical altercation-the notion is completely foreign to me, so that is never going to fly, and yes, it's a deal breaker. I just can't respect that, and I certainly won't tolerate it.
b. He let me pay for my drinks. HE asked me out, HE paid for dinner, but when we went out afterwards and I slapped down my debit card to start a tab, he didn't stop me. I don't know how all that is supposed to work (I wanted a beer and my first instinct is to get one. Am I supposed to ask "Can I have a beer?" I dunno…) but I think he should have refused. I'm not funny w/money, all my friends know this, but a date is different. (Am I wrong here?)
I gotta get out of this. How long do I date him? Should I dodge him? Maybe I should just date him, but is that fair to him? I know it's not going anywhere but how do I tell him this?

End of post. A bit puzzled that I felt the need to justify more reasons to not date a guy who's kinda slow, but whatever. Fast forward to last week. That same guy, Sammy, had posted a bulletin at 1:20am which read:

We all must die some time, some sooner than others.................

And 20 minutes later came the follow-up:
TO ALL I HAVE ON MYSPACE, I WILL BE CLOSEING MY PAGE IN A DAY OR TWO.... EVERYONE BE SAFE AND TAKE CARE......

I’ve never gone through suicide training, but this seemed like a pretty blatant cry for help to me. So I e-mailed him and asked him how he was and told him not to be a stranger. (This is relevant as my current problems stems from THAT very action.) This past Friday he called my cell and we talked a bit, and even made tentative plans to do something the Friday following Thanksgiving, but it was giving me some pause that his initial offer of seeing a movie suddenly changed to me going to his “land” and watching some DVDs. Ahhhhh-no. But no matter, the plans are tentative, and I can’t imagine doing something as stupid as that. I didn’t really think much of this conversation until Saturday. The reason? Since that one phone call he has texted me no less than 9 times. NINE TIMES! At first I was game, and was just taking this on the friendly gesture level. Last night I got a “Goodnight. Sleep good.” Text at 10pm and this afternoon I got “Hope u had a good day. What’s up” at 4pm. I’m not good at what comes next. I’ve got to let him know that I’m not interested in “that” way without feeling like a tool. Is that even possible?

And in addition to this fool tomery, I’ve got the ice cream hankers! This weekend I bought some Ben and Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake, then today I went in for a pint of coffee toffee as well! And I’m not even that big a fan of ice cream. Usually it’s like Smarties or Sweet Tarts- I had a "take ‘em or leave ‘em" kind of attitude, but there are certain times when I just really want ice cream, and I guess that time is now. I even e-mailed a comment to the Ben & Jerry’s website; did you know there are NO chunks of cheesecake in the strawberry cheesecake flavor? What the hell am I paying premium prices for, if it’s not to really clog my arteries w/some outrageously unhealthy dessert within a dessert? I got so disenchanted that I still have more than half the pint left, so maybe that’s why I unexpectedly grabbed another pint today. (I was at the grocery store to purchase a b-day banner for one of my office-mates, and suddenly, there I was in the freezer aisle!) I hope so. I got enough to contend with, what with the inert lifestyle and my penchant for beer drinking.

Sunday

2007-11-11T22:05:00.000-06:00

Cool:
Got to catch up w/my folks
Met my mom’s new puppy (she’s a cutie)
Dad wants to take me the Gingerbread Man in Austin
Mom suggested I give one of their twin beds to Katie instead of letting her use my king sized bed. (!!!!!)
I helped my uncle Tony paint his living room, which is cool b/c he helps me all the time.

Drool:
Rootie is sick of her treats, so it’s getting tougher to make her take her daily dose of prednisone
I left my apt. around 8am and didn’t get back until 6pm, so my Sunday wasn’t very restful
I learned my ex (and only former bf) is getting married.

Beer and Babies

2007-11-10T17:37:00.000-06:00

Didn’t do too much damage at Wurstfest after all. Weeeeellll, actually I spent about $80 in the 4 hours I spent there. It was $8 to get in, $5 to park, and I bought 2 pitchers ($34), and contributed $7.00 to another pitcher, a Wurstkabob for $4.50, a Rueben for $5, and a bag of candy-coated almonds for $10. I came home w/6 bucks. Two things:

1.) I HATE it when people are funny about money! Of the 6 initial folks that drove down together there were 3 of us who drank beer. My thoughts are that we each buy a pitcher and share, only b/c no one wants to buy a full pitcher of beer and sit in front of it, nor do we all want to buy the beer at $5 per cup. But there are those people who get this “I’m not spending $17 and having others drink my pitcher.” It ruins my time when I hear people say “I owe for the beer.” That’s why I ended up spending so much money on beer. People woulnd’t ante up, and quite frankly, if I want a beer, I’m going to go buy some. Consequently, I ended up spending a lot of money on beer for everyone. One of them even wanted to pay me for gas! I was freakin’ going to Wurstfest regardless of their company, so why the hell would I charge someone to tag along? This actually should’ve been my first indication that it was going to be funky.

2.) Before the drink had a hold on my good senses, there were two times I had to hold back tears. I'm telling you, this baby fever thing truly is back. We were in one of the tents listening to a band that was partially oompa, but also modern. They started playing "Surfing USA" by the Beach Boys and this whole family goes out to the front and they all begin dancing together. The mom had the youngest girl in her arms, and the dad was dancing with his two other daughters, as they wiggled their heinies and jumped around with glee. It was a beautiful sight and still gets me a little misty-eyed because I just don't have faith that I'll ever have that, and it makes me very very sad. The second time was moments later when they did "Brown Eyed Girl". A new daddy had his daughter in his arms, she was probably 10-14 months old, and as he's out there with his daughter he's singing the song to her and you can just see in his eyes the reverance he had for his little girl. Such a strong bond that the love just radiated from his body. It was just beautiful to see, and there again the pity party sets in.

More on that later b/c I'm just about to leave for the evening. Tonight my friend Katie, with a sudden interest in hanging out that not so coincidentally began last week when she asked to borrow my bed, is coming to town (20 minutes away from where she lives), and we’re having dinner and a few drinks. I spoke with mutual friends and both of them were like “DO NOT LET HER BORROW YOUR BED”. Their grand idea is to tell her someone else has it. ?? Not only do I suck at lying, but that lie is particularly flimsy. Hopefully once I get a few drinks down I’ll let her in on my reservations. Stay tuned.

Jist One Mor' Phoquin' Withdrawal!

2007-11-09T15:05:00.000-06:00

Off to Wurstfest today. I actually was dreading it all weekend. What? Dreading a "Two week salute to sausage!"??? Is that even possible? But I have to do a couple of presentations for a college day tomorrow, so I can't tear it up, Aimee-style. At $17 per pitcher I'm not sure I'd want to even if I didn't have to work tomorrow. Yeah, I typed that correctly. And that's not even for the good shit. You want a real foreign beer you're ponying up $21. The "deal" is that you get to keep the pitcher. I'm thinking they should rethink the prices with some sort of deposit system, because that's a major reason I didn't go last weekend. I used to be all about it, until I counted up exactly how much I'd spent on beer and sausage. It was criminal! What is it about those portable ATMs that makes them completely irresistable after about 5 beers. As my friend Jana can attest, I am one ATM whore when I get drunk. Let's hope I fare better than last year. I'm thinking 50 cash and locking my debit card in my glovebox will do it. Wish me luck!

Bore or Whore?

2007-11-08T22:13:00.000-06:00

Just remembered I hadn't blogged yet, so here I am. Not much on this evening and in my channel surfing I've gotten caught on Cathouse on HBO. A part of me thinks that women who can do things like that are liberated in a way that I could never be, and that it's a shame that I get hung up on the details of commitment. Being nasty, for me, comes with a stipulation that I've got to be emotionally vested in someone. I feel so independent in so many ways, but I just can't take sex on face value. I realize it's a human need that we all have, and I'm not ashamed of that need, I just can't imagine letting someone I don't know put their hands on me! BLECHHH!!!! I've also never been able to decide whether these women are better off for being able to do that, or if they're denying themselves something that is considered an evolutionary response; feeling safe and protected by one partner. Then again, who am I say that every woman feels that way?

What I have experienced is the heady power of seduction. Knowing a guy will do/say pretty much anything because there's one thing he wants that you have complete control over is very intoxicating. But it's not "real", it burns away like birch bark. I wonder if women who engage in many casual encounters find it easier to experience men on that level b/c it's easier to deal with the illusion of control than attempting ot delve into anything deeper. You get hurt when you have expectations and they're not met. It's tough put your heart out there and hope someone will want you enough to stick around and be true. But don't get me wrong, I don't look down on the behavior. I'm the same kind of scaredy-cat with the same reservations about trust, I just manifest these issues in the opposite way. Instead of letting everyone in and indulging in pleasures of the flesh, I don't let anyone in. You can't get hurt that way either, only those girls have a lot more fun with their issues. Oh yeah...and a lot more STD's. Hmmmm....I think I'm doing OK on this side of the fence after all. :-)

Work SUX

2007-11-07T17:54:00.000-06:00

So today I got dinged by my former boss and my new boss b/c I was told that I was not being forthcoming enough with information (wasn’t copying my boss on e-mails), which was creating problems b/c she doesn’t want to micromanage me. Now, in MY mind, cc’ing your boss on every fucking e-mail you send is a form micromanaging. If you think I can’t handle something as simple as correspondence then maybe I’m not the person you should’ve put in the position, ya feel me? They don’t see it that way, therefore that is not the way things are.

Secondly, I was asked to send a letter of apology to student who were erroneously awarded funds they were not eligible to receive because, as in their previous year, they didn’t meet the academic criteria to receive their grant. For the past 3 months we’ve been attempting to collect back, but it only became relevant when they were not able to register for spring classes. We were able to find funds in order to pay for this mistake, which meant students were not out any personal funds. The letter explains this, and my line is:

While we are working on updating our processes in order to prevent further errors, it is our sincere hope that our amnesty will undo any stress or hardship this situation may have caused. You can always find information regarding the terms of eligibility for all financial aid on our website.

Y’know, thinking that since they know what GPA they must have to get the grant, and they took the money and ran (like if an ATM suddently spits out $500 and you just grab and go), I want them to realize that these funds come with responsibility. My boss wants me to say:

I apologize for the error and for creating undue stress on you.

Undo stress on THEM!??! I was the one freaking out b/c our antiquated bs system doesn’t administer this STATE program correctly! I was the one doing all the work trying to collect the money! Why is it that instead of changing our system, because this happens every freakin’ year, we’re just creating a fall guy to write bullshit letters? WTF? I was then lectured about humility and taking ownership of mistakes. No mention of my ideas to fix said situation.

Thirdly, I was told that it was noted that during our Tuesday counselor meeting, I expressed how many e-mails I had to get to (b/c I had taken Friday and Monday off). I did not announce this, just small talk w/one of the counselors at the table. I was told that this is poor form for a supervisor, and I was also reprimanded for was looking at my watch! Apparently I was making it seem like my time was worth more than their time.

This exec team is awful. I was able to get a few points in, but they just kept double-teaming me. This is going to be soooo difficult for me. I do not respect these people, and I have no idea how I’m going to fake my way through that. I don’t know if I can.

Friend of a Fiend

2007-11-06T20:42:00.000-06:00

So I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t make Naplablomahoma, or whatever, because I was out of town this weekend and already missed a few days, but I don’t want to completely throw in the towel. Even though I suppose I could cheat and backpost a few memes, I’m going to stay true and go fwd. For now.

Here’s my latest dilemma: I’ve got a friend named Katie who is a free-spirit, a lover of adventure, and is very well stacked. The reason I share that final tidbit is b/c she definitely gets her fair share of male and female attention, and though she is fairly judicious in choosing who to share physical expressions with, it’s just a numbers game that since she gets offered about 20 times each week, and she only indulges in, say…one time every two months, she’s still got a fair amount of notches on her belt. Now some of you may be thinking “So why are dropping a dime on this supposed friend of yours?” I’ll tell you why! SHE WANTS TO BORROW MY BED!

She and her bf split up about the time I moved to San Marcos, and during this very tumultuous time I may have, in the midst of assuring her that her life was not going to abruptly end b/c he wasn’t in the picture, relayed that if she needed anything at all, I would be there to help her. During this time of MY needing to move all of my furniture downstairs and into storage, I also probably offered her the use of the furniture I could not have possibly used in my current, fully furnished living quarters, up to and including my bed. Thinking of course that a lazy-butt like Katie was never going to actually drive down from Austin to pick it up, plus the fact that she’s now making 3 times what I make (she got a new job shortly before the split). But today I got a call asking if the offer for the bed still stood as her ex is expected to take his bed back within the next week or so. And so the conflict unfolds:

1) Katie and I have a tumultuous time of things in the past. We started out strong and I guess we had nowhere else to go but south. Not that she’s a bad friend, just that she can be very self righteous, and is one of those people who think they are very liberal thinkers, but in fact are more narrow-minded than the staunchest conservative. An example? If you don’t agree with her on a topic, any topic at all, you suddenly become an “idiot”. The name calling is actually the mild blow-up; she once left me in a restaurant b/c I pointed out the fact that anything she didn’t agree with was suddenly “weird”. It was not an accusatory statement, just an observation told over a bottle of wine. She stood up, told me all the things about me she didn’t like (while jabbing her finger in my face), and flounced off to the car. Yes, we’ve had our moments.

2) We used to be coworkers, and went out for drinks many-a-time during her 16 month tenure at the university. She then began employment in Austin, about 20 minutes away from San Marcos, and suddenly deemed this town too boring to visit. Now, I’ve had to deal with this complex many times from many people because living in a small town about half an hour from a big city meant that I was usually the one loading up my car and driving to the city for some fun. But now that I live in San Marcos, I figured that if she didn’t ever get a bit nostalgic for her old stomping grounds, surely meeting halfway would be a good solution. In the past month she has repeatedly told me that if we were to get together it would be because I went up to Austin b/c she doesn’t want to hang around a bunch of “kids” in “some crap, close-minded town”. But I’M here in this town, and how could that not be enough to get in your car and drive down 35? Would it be any different than if I lived in North Austin and was still at least a 25 minute drive away? We were at a standstill there, for sure.

3) Katie is bisexual, and though I’m not averse to the lifestyle I will admit that I have a hard enough time keeping my shit straight with attracting one gender; I cannot possibly imagine how to handle it with two. (Not that’s it’s so impossible to do; I do understand that in that department I am sorely lacking.) Anyway, my mom had given me that bed about a year ago and it’s my very first king-sized bed. This may sound stupid, but well….I haven’t…”christened” it yet, and the thought of Katie getting freaky-deaky bizz-ay in my bed just doesn’t feel right!! It has nothing to do w/her sexuality per se, only that with her body, penchant for drinkin’, and the fact that she’s got DOUBLE the opportunity for sex, I KNOW she’s going to get to do it in my bed before me, and that’s just WRONG!

And so her sweetly calling me today and being coincidentally in the mood to come to San Marcos this weekend in order to visit with her old chum doesnt' get me too terribly suspicous. She did just get a haircut, and so it did come innocently enough, but then she started to lament about the woeful situation about her losing her bed, like she was getting kicked out on the street or something. Knowing that Katie has a flair for drama, I tried to assuage her with: “Well, the worst thing that could happen is that you sleep on the floor for a few nights until you can afford a bed, right?” to which she chimed in: “But now I can get that bed you’re having to store!” The Ah-ha moment hit me. And now how will it all go down?

Status Quo is Hard Proving Difficult to Shake-up

2007-11-05T21:09:00.000-06:00

So this is week two on a dating website, my latest foray into not turning into a pathetic loser who can’t even find some schlub to boss around (but at least cuddle with), until I die at the ripe old age of 130. Right after I broke up w/my ex (waaaaay back in Feb. of ’06) I decided to get my feet wet with match.com and eharmony. Just safe ways to get myself out there without really putting myself out there. But my heart wasn’t really in it. I was still too hurt over things, and going from a dateable size 10 to a hoss-like size 24 just put me in a weird headspace where I didn’t really feel like I was a viable partner. But things were on the upswing! I was consciously eating less and also making a concerted effort to use the Stairmaster I was fortunate enough to have sitting in front of a television, and directly under a fan, downstairs. Fast forward to the present. I’m now relegated to a closet-sized living area purporting to be a studio apartment, lots of stress from my job, and a mild estrangement from my family, which has me at a still an undateable size 22.

I don’t know why I feel that way. I see heavy girls partnered up everywhere I go, but internally I always imagine a scenario where their initial meeting was during a point where they were both relatively thin, it’s just the normal “couple pudge” that happens to many people when their in a secure relationship. (Not to say that keeping fit means you’re in an insecure state/relationship, this is just how my poisoned mind works.)

So what’s a single girl to do? I feel like I’ve been open to dating and meeting new people but the past 10 or so months (the time I’ve truly been over my ex and ready to meet someone new), the few dates I’ve had haven’t yielded anything. Moving to a new town full of upwardly mobile, edumacated men hasn’t changed anything either. And my good intentions to exercise and eat less surprisingly enough have NOT been enough to miraculously shave inches off my hips, thighs, and jelly-belly. And I started thinking about…yeah, it's tough to admit….chubby chasers.

Now, I’ve always been leery of chubby chasers, mostly b/c I equate that kind of predilections with fetishes. I just don’t really know that I would trust that a guy would really be interested in me, and not just interested in oiling me up to get their kicks and moving onto the next tubby tart. But then, for some reason (OK, I think we all know it’s b/c I’m starting to feel desperate), I starting to change the way I thought about such things. I mean, I’m fairly liberal when it comes to “types” of guys that I’m attracted to; I normally focus on personality before I consider whether or not I’m interested, but many many people have certain features in mind when picking potential date-mates. So if I think it’s perfectly normal for gentlemen to prefer blondes, then why can’t I get on board with fellows following fatties? Kind of a double standard, huh? This was my thought process when I placed my monthly subscription to a “big and beautiful” website about 2 weeks ago.

And what now? I’ll tell you what now! 70 interested men, 2 sketchy IM sessions, and only two men I even want to spend time getting to know (but am no longer getting responses from), and I’m STILL hopelessly devoted to single serving popcorn, mythbuster marathons for one, and the only horizontal love I get is from snuggling my poodle. (Sadly not a euphamism for anything remotely sexual, I promise). Despite the fact that many of these guys claim to want a serious relationship, their game is just too off-putting for me. I'm not a prude, but I need the dance! I need to feel enough admiration and trust to want to talk sex with a guy. Why is that so bad? Are other girls really going so fast that by the third e-mail it's time to let some guy into your e-panties? Sighhh.... but this is getting dire. The other day as I was channel surfing, a love scene on HBO literally made me cry. YES! Watching sex made me CRY! The opposite of a normal response to visuals of coitus! And the reason? I miss it, and I'm just not certain that I'm ever going to be there again.

Thai Sunday

2007-10-22T08:37:00.000-05:00

Sunday I decided it was time to clean up my apartment, and off I went. Almost as soon as I was done I kept eyeing my nice, clean kitchen. There is just something about a clean kitchen that makes me want to cook. I had all but two ingredients for Thai noodles, and I figured that coriander and fish sauce aside, I could make it. It does make me mad to know that I JUST threw out my fish sauce b/c it spilled during the move and made all my spices smell like a sweaty, fishy mess. Showed that fish sauce who was boss, didn't I?! And now I am without. Anyway, I started by chopping the veggies:

Starting with carrots and going clockwise we have chopped garlic, limes, chopped chili pepper, shallots, and green bell pepper in the middle.

Next I chopped up some chicken tenderloins and peeled & deveined some shrimp, like so:

Thirdly I boiled some water and cooked the noodles. Immediately after taking them off the stove, I rinsed with cold water so that the cooking process would stop. Once I forgot to do this and they got all gloopy and gross before I could toss them in the wok.

Lastly, I gathered the spices I would need to make this the best damn Thai dish I could muster (without fish sauce and coriander). From left to right we have white wine vinegar, garlic chili sauce, ginger, and basil.

I will admit that there is one thing I forgot to take pics of: the chopped peanuts. I only had peanuts that were in their shells and was quite surprised by the mess peanuts make when you're not enjoying them the "regular" way, and by that I mean sucking off the salt, cracking the nut, and eating the peanut, shell and all (and washing them down with beer). Despite the fact that I'm the only one partaking of this dish, the cook in me could not bring myself to tongue the nuts (huh huh huh huh huh) beforehand. As a result, my newly vacuumed floor now has bits of peanut skins and shells scattered around my desk. Hey, I already vacuumed once this weekend, thus I have hit my quota. I then had to chop them all up because my fancy schmancy kitchen stuff is in storage. It wasn't so bad though. It made me remember the time Dad needed 1/2 cup of mayonnaise and the stores were closed, so we made some from scratch. A'yup, eggs, lemon, and vegetable oil- whisk until you collapse. From that perspective, chopping peanuts wasn't such a big deal.

Confession no. 2: I got all my stuff ready and decided that I'd have it for "linner" (lunch/dinner) after I had gotten some sun by the pool. As I have relayed in earlier posts, the easiest way for me to tan is to bring my best bud, Bud Light, to the pool with me. So I drank some beer, caught some rays, and once inside my apartment I didn't much care to continue my pictorial. But, here's how I cooked it:

1) Coated my wok with sesame oil and cooked the chicken. When the outside of the chicken was white, but it was not quite done yet, I then added the shrimp (b/c if you add the shrimp too soon you'll either get not-quite-cooked chicken, or gummy, tough shrimp). I also seasoned w/salt, basil, and pepper. The recipe called for chicken broth, but instead I just added some water to the wok so that the drippings could mix and make it's own broth. I took out the meat and placed it to the side.

2) To the broth I added the garlic, shallots, and chili pepper. Once softened, I dumped in the carrots b/c they will take longer to soften. I covered to "sweat" the veggies a bit. I also added some white wine vinegar, more basil, some ginger powder (I would've liked to have used real ginger root, but I didn't have any), and salt.

3) Next I uncovered the wok and added the green peppers. For the remainder of the cook-time I would cook uncovered b/c I needed the broth to evaporate. Once softened a bit (not too much! The veggies have to be firm enough for you to toss into the noodles later), I took the veggies out of the wok and placed aside.

4) Once again coated the wok with oil. Sometimes I'll fry an egg into the oil, but usually only if I'm using rice, not noodles (I dunno why). Since these were noodles I skipped that step. Once the wok was hot I added the noodles and mixed them up (they had clumped a little bit, but the heat and oil made them seperate), and made sure they were heated through. Next I added the veggies and tossed them in with the noodles. I also squeezed the lime into the veggie/noodle mix and I also added the chopped peanuts.

5) Once everything is heated, I added the meat last. I do this because I don't want to overcook the shrimp. Also note that while you can cook all this in stages, but I try to make sure the meat doesn't completely cool down, otherwise you'll have the same problem I listed above: either warm-ish chicken pieces or overdone shrimp. I guess you could also keep the chicken and shrimp seperate, but I just find it easier to cook it all at once and keep the meat the warm.

6) Once it's all mixed and heated through I save the best for last; the garlic chili sauce. It's already got some heat to it b/c of the chopped chili pepper, but if you're like me, the more spice the better. And that's it! Thai noodles for dinner! (And lots of leftovers for lunch the next day!)

Messy plate; I was using it to store the veggies/meat in order to avoid making too many dishes to wash later on. :-)

Back on Track?

2007-10-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

My friend Eric finally got me on the right track. I had given up on my Halloween costume this year b/c of the 6 month budget I’ve recently committed to (will attempt to commit to), which will have me in fairly good financial shape for the coming uncertainties which lie ahead. SO, I figured that since I’m going to the Renfest (which IS budgeted), that I’d forgo plans for Halloween. Until I was made to realize just how I could make my own costume. In the past I have indulged in the lamest form of costume known to man: the novelty ears. I think the whole thing started in childhood when my mom would always make me wear either the ballet costume from my previous year’s recital, or even worse, my ballet tights and leotard so that I could paint my face white and be a mime. Though I can’t blame my mom too terribly much, after all times were tight and I should be thankful that she made it a point to spend the time and money to have me involved in ballet for those 8 years, but I do wish I had one of those mom’s who was a bit more creative. Years later here I am, so quick to give up when my unimaginativeness declares that without $70-$100 to purchase a costume outright, I’m out of luck. Thank goodness Eric gave me some great ideas and put me right.

As I briefly mentioned before, I budgeted my prospective earnings, as estimation from the stipend I’ll be getting to being a puppet for the next few months (Acting Assistant Director in the house ya’ll!), and by the time Feb. comes around I should be in a good spot to make my next move, whether it be back to Seguin or in for another lease in San Marcos. I just found a place called Sanctuary Lofts which I really wish I had found before I signed the lease for this joint. Not that it’s so horrible to live here, just that I cannot imagine myself asking anyone to visit my humble abode as I live in a frat closet. I won’t sacrifice much of my objective, which is to bring my living expenses down so that I can pay off more of my debt, but for an extra $40 per month, I could stand to live in a nicer place.

And in other news, while I have committed myself to a costume, I have yet to find a shindig in which to wear it, though I have been out much more than usual. Tuesday I went to a free Reckless Kelly concert and discovered that I quite liked their band, and Friday night I went out w/my coworker Dina and her husband to drink waaaaay too much beer. The only regret I have about that night is that I was originally slated to go to a birthday party in Austin, the same hostess at the party in which I met Ray, the 24 and nine-tenths comedian who gave me tonsillitis (so says I-that could have been a coincidence). In any event, I had to give two presentation at college day Saturday morning, so I had to decline the offer in order to do the responsible thing and NOT show up hungover to the event, yet the seemingly innocuous invite that came at 4:50 to go have one drink led to just that. We drank until 1am, had a great time, but I arrived at the presentation bleary-eyed and lost, did a sub-par job, and spent a hell of a lot more money than I would’ve if I’d just gone to the party! And that’s WITH Dina and her hubby buying me dinner at Valentinos! Sheesh!

But I’m getting out and about, have a good handle on my future finances (whether or not I actually do the thing I know I’m supposed to do is still in question), and I’m coming to terms w/my needs more and more. I’ve never been one to lament about my lack o’ chilluns, but I will admit that it’s come back. That feeling I used to have when I was 20-22 when every time I saw a baby my line of vision would get frozen, my chest would tighten and my lower tummy would ache. Yes, I’ve been able to stave it off for nearly a decade but my baby fever is back. Just today I saw a man shopping at Wal Mart, and his tiny little offspring had me dazed for a good 10 minutes. And that only means that knowing my financial constraints could potentially be lifted in the next 2 years or so, I sometimes dream of the notion of getting preggers regardless of my relationship situation. I know, I KNOW, it’s so selfish to think that my own need to procreate would trump a child’s need to have a father. Sighhh….just a thought folks.

Feeling Guilty, But Not Really

2007-10-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

So read this and tell me if I should be in trouble:

1. Do you have a tattoo?
No

2. How old are you?
31 and three-quarters

3. Are you single or taken?
Single as the day I was born.

4. Eat with your hands or utensils?
I prefer utensils. I hate it when my hands are sticky/dirty.

5. Do you dream at night?
And sometimes during the day.

6. Ever seen a corpse?
At funerals.

7.George Strait or Jay Z?
The first answer that comes to mind is “neither”, however I’d guess that I’m more familiar w/the works of Mr. Strait.

8. How did we meet?
On the benches in front of Moore Hall.

HERE COMES THE EQUALLY INTERESTING PART...
9. Whats your philosophy on life and death?
My philosophy on those subjects changes depending on how much beer I’ve had.

10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
I’d braid your lustrous, long locks a la Willie Nelson. Oh wait…then I’d take pics and make sure that EVERYONE knew, so I guess that doesn’t count.

11. Do you trust the police?
Not even a little.

12. Do you like Country music?
Not really. Old country is OK.

13. What is your fondest memory of me?
That’s a toughie…..I’ll get back to you. HA HA! Drinkin’ at Duddley’s and spankin’ you at TV Trivia.

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
I’d be two inches taller.

15. Would you cheat ?
Never have, don’t expect I ever would.

16. What do you wear to sleep?
Chones and lotion.

17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
Yes.

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
Only up to and including misdemeanor charges.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
Drive to Dudley’s so that I could once again spank you at TV Trivia.

20. Which do you prefer - Short or long hair?
I like my long hair. I’m attracted to men w/short hair. (Don’t want to compete for hair products/mirror-time)

21. Do you sing in the shower?
Yes

22. What's your favorite color?
Probably red

23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
My Papo. I miss him. Things just aren’t the same.

24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
I masturbated on your couch last I visited. HA HA! Kidding! (Or am I….?)

25. What was your first impression of me?
You don’t want to know. Wellll, you DID ask…. You affirmed my belief that guys are always only going to look out for themselves. Of course that was, what, 9 yrs ago? Nowadays my impression of you is…oh. HEY, check it out, there’s another question coming up!! :-)

26. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
Yes. I expect this on my desk (top) by Monday. :-)

27. Who are you?
I believe the larger question here is “What are you?” and to that I must admit: Once a cardinal-fuck, always a mother fuckin’ cardinal-fuck.

I will admit that I am a little upset at the Juanster. I'm just sick of people making glib statements like "I know I'm flaky! Oh well!" That a really shitty way of saying that you only have a friend when it suits them. I have been accused of being "dramatic" about this issue, but I don't think I am at all. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it, even when I get a better offer, or I'm feeling a little down, or if it's raining and I don't want to get wet-whatever the case may be. There are few good excuses (though there are some!), for bailing on plans that you've made with other people.

Upon making plans w/my friend Juan to attend the Renfest, I did make this known to him. I was clear about the fact that I am not like his other friends who just joke about him being one to cancel, I'm going to attend the Renfest regardless of his presence, call him out like the jerk-ass he'd be if he did back out on me, then cease our correspondence, as there are millions of people I can't count on, friends and family should get my attention and respect b/c they are the few that I can count on. (See where the case for drama comes in?)

Juan and I have had a spotty past. I believe we just made the year mark after not having spoken for the previous 8. Again, not in an aggressive or petty way, I just don't have the energy to expend on people who dick me over. He then states that if he agrees to attend Renfest by the following Wednesday, we will then be going to the event. Wednesday came and went. No, I didn't remind him, he's an adult. Friday I get home and fill out the meme posted above. Haven't heard from him since. I'm not writing this one off, but methinks I may have touched a nerve. I know it's unfair b/c check out some of HIS responses:
3. Are you single or taken?
I am happily single...hey, when you know that are selfish why bother with commitments.

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
I'd change my issues with commitments.

15. Would you cheat ?
Since I am never committed, I guess there is no cheating here, eh?

So he's admitting he's a cad but then gets all upset when I concur. Sighhhh...OK, I know. It's like one of those things where you can say "Damn these thunder thighs" about yourself, but you'd be hard pressed to find it acceptable to shoot back "Yeah wow, those are some thunder thighs of yours!". Oh well. He knew I was blunt when he met me. HA HA!!! (Joking!) I already called and apologized to him, in the instance where he was upset by my responses. Not that I take them back, just that I'm not trying to publicly call him to task on things he admits he could improve about himself. I'm still in his top 4, so he couldn't that mad, right? ;-)

Weary From the Weekend

2007-10-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

I don't remember exactly when I noticed, but I'd say Thursday or so I started seeing "tracers" in my apartment. Realizing I've never done acid, I investigated further to find that there were fruit flys/gnats flying around the joint. I recognized them immediately from a previous run-in w/them, after my ex had "cleaned" the house at my provocation. He thought it would be a good idea to take two potatoes from the counter and tuck them away in a largely ignored kitchen cupboard. 8 weeks later, after we had both given up trying to locate how all those tiny little critters were getting into the house, and after I had finally stopped cleaning and re-cleaning the fridge due to catching putrid whiffs emanating from what I thought was the fridge, (By then I had waved my white flag by just getting some Glade plug-ins), I finally discovered the mess. Luckily my ex was there so that immediately after his sheepish response of "Oooooohhh yeahhhhhhhh……", he was the one retching and trying to clean up rotten potatoes while gnats swarmed his head; the kamikaze ones starting to dive-bomb his nose and eyes.

Anyway, since I'm the most culpable suspect, I try to think back to anything I could have left out. Sure, I needed to do the dishes, but it had not yet reached the level of "biohazard". I take the trash out about every 3 days or so, and the fridge hasn't held much more than beer and condiments since most of my cookware is in storage. Sunday I finally figured it out…my garbage disposal is…gunked, I guess. I mean, I don't think I've used it more than a few times, but I may have once come home a bit tipsy last week and figured shrimp would be fastest to cook, and maybe instead of throwing out the shrimp legs/shells/poo veins I stuffed them in the disposal. How was I supposed to know it was broken?!?! And no, surprisingly it wasn't as stinky was one might imagine, unless you're hovering over the sink, a position I do not often find myself in. But I'm still seeing the li'l critters that were born, and will die in my tiny apartment. Kinda sad, until I realized that I too might be in the same boat. Ha ha!

The weekend wasn't awful, but it didn't go according to plan. My friend Adalai ended up not coming to town after all, and my weekly attempt at tanning was almost thwarted by clouds. I did end going out w/a coworker named Dina on Thursday night, and that was fun enough, but you can't really cut loose when work is looming over your head the next morning. Friday I went out to dinner w/a former co-worker and was back by 10pm, and though I had kept mum about this, b/c it's pretty pathetic of me, I really wanted some company Saturday night b/c it was my ex's b-day. Why? Weellll, last year on my b-day he texted me, so I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to reciprocate. When we were together I used to tease him about not knowing exactly when his b-day was (he was in the "Everyone shall bow down and know it's my b-day" camp; I'm on the other side of the spectrum), so I was going to send him something like "NOW I remember your b-day" kind of thing.

But then another part of me, the really stubborn and still hurting over the betrayal of someone I once trusted so much part, really really REALLY thought it was a bad idea. I don't need to set any expectation, and that's exactly what reciprocating would do. Now we text each other on our respective b-days, next we wish each other well on Christmas, and before you know it we're sharing jokes, getting along, and dammit, judge me if you will, but I am NOT going to let that happen! I know, I know, that just gives someone more power over me, and how can I expect to find someone else if I can't let go of my hurt feelings for my ex, blah blah blah. (That "blah blah blah" part was the advice/counsel I was craving this weekend, which never came to pass.)

So Saturday was rough. Not only was I sad about being single, but I was also sad about not having any friends to share that night with. I could've gone to Austin to a party, but last time I stayed in Austin I felt awful about leaving Rootie by herself overnight (I leave her alone for 9 hrs each weekday, so why not 9 hrs during a weekend evening? I dunno, it just feels wrong), but also, I didn't want to get drunk and start texting. I needed to stay sober that night and make clear-headed decisions if I was to be alone. Ideally I would go out with someone I could talk to about the situation, so that we could face the night together. As we know, the latter did not occur, soooo what did I decide? Sighhhh…I did it. And he replied "Thank u. Hope ur doing well.", or something like that. So I watched a sappy movie and ended up crying so much that I freaked out when I looked in the mirror the next morning; I thought my old friend "pink eye" had caught up w/me again, but I just hadn't cried that hard in so long that I forgot the havoc sobbing wreaks on your eyes.

But, on the brighter side of things I did learn a few lessons.
1) I can't expect support if I don't ask for it.
2) I need to learn how to ask for support.
3) Guuurrrlll, I've got to get out in the mix. I'm not so unfortunate looking that I can't get a dating life going, I just need to try harder. OK, Oh-Kay: I just need to try.
4) I did get to drink Natty Light by the pool Sunday, and this morning I tried to wipe away dust from the tops of my feet. (They're not dusty, they're just tan!)

And this week I'm off to Corpus for the TASFAA Conference w/two of my coworkers. Can't wait to sleep on a real mattress, not the torture device my apartment complex calls a bed. You'd think that the THREE foam mattresses and TWO mattress pads would make it bearable, but we'd both be wrong in that assumption. This coming week I'm expecting to learn a lot, do some networking, and enjoy the time away from work. Yeah…get ready for some madcap hinjinks upon my return. :-)

Whiney Behiney (You've been warned!)

2007-09-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today is my ex’s birthday. It’s funny b/c he used to remember all the dates; when we first met, the date we became bf/gf, when we decided, for all intensive purposes, that we'd moved in together. I used to tease him b/c I would never remember shit like that. Not that it didn’t mean anything to me, just that I sometimes got the months confused, or was off by a day or two. And now, two years later, I can’t seem to forget. So I wanted some affirmation. I wanted to know that despite the pain that relationship can bring, that they’re worth it all. I rented one of my favorite movies “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”. And this will mark the 2nd hr. of sporadic crying jags. Sighhhh…

I just…I just miss sharing my life with someone. I miss all those silly, stupid things two people who love each do together. Shawn and I were always quite modest when it came to bodily functions. We weren’t a couple who would pass gas, or even burp in front of one another. And sometimes, when we’d lie together I’d put my head on his bare shoulder, like I'd guess most couples do when they lie together. Then I'd make farting noises on his chest and arms, and we’d name each after characters or celebrities that would toot like that. Or he'd go "Do an elephant!" and I'd try my best to come up w/one that might match. We would just laugh and laugh. And one time I remember we were sitting on the bed talking, and Rootie was sititng b/w us. Suddenly she sneezed in his direction, and he did a back tumble like her little sneeze blew him clean off the bed. That still makes me laugh. And he’d always “steal” these little pecks, right when I wasn’t expecting them, then draw back and wiggle his head back and forth like he was proud that he snuck in a kiss while I was unaware. Just, stupid, stupid little shit. I miss it. I don’t even really feel human sometimes. Humans share themselves, they touch one another, they hold each together. I just go to work, worry about money, and get drunk. That’s not living.

I feel so confused. On one hand, I know that I’m always going to miss Shawn b/c I love him. Don’t get me wrong, Shawn and I had a FUCKED UP relationship. I could never have had children with him, and my family would not accept him. Not that he was bad, there was just this huge grey area between who he wanted to be and who he was, and all the lies he had to tell to make us both believe he was the person that he wanted to be was never going to change the reality of who he was. On the other hand, I know I wouldn’t miss him this much if I could just find someone else, but that’s easier said than done. He officially moved out in Jan ’06, and here it's coming up on Jan ’08. Why am I still here, crying about this like it just happened? Sometimes I feel like I’m still holding the fear of being hurt in front of me, and other times I tell myself the truth: I just haven’t found anyone…and no one has found me.

Questions For The Bored

2007-09-28T16:24:00.000-05:00

1. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
This is a total cop out, but it’s true: Rootie. And even that is pushing it.

2. Who do you blame for your mood today?
Blame? Myself, of course.

3. Have you ever seen a dead body?
In the wild, no, but I've been to a few funerals.

4. What should we do with stupid people?
I’d need more specifics as to what “stupid” is defined as. I do have a hard time when I see ignorant people raising children, so we should take them all to get sterilized. (That's a joke.)

5. How long do you think you will live?
FOR-EV-ER!

6. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Checked out Rootie to make sure was sleeping peacefully.

7. The color of carpet in your bedroom?
Cheap berber

8. Who was the last person you went to eat with?
About 15 coworkers at Mamacitas. Every moment was GRUELING! Having to "act nice" is just not something in which I excel.

10. Are you spoiled?
Most definitely

11. Do you drink lots of water?
No, not “lots”, but I drink my fair share.

12. What toothpaste do you use?
Colgate! (Pronouced: cole-gah-tey)

13. How do you vent your anger?
Music, writing, and in rare instances, I’ll trash a room.

14. The last compliment you received?
“You complete me.” HA HA! I dunno….someone recently told me I have a firm handshake. ??

15. What are you doing this weekend?
I'm going to watch the latest Resident Evil movie, then tan by the pool Sunday morning.

16. When was the last time you threw up?
Last year’s Halloween party. I puked up red wine, which was a first, and I sincerely hope it will be a last. It wasn't the drinking that did it; I had no idea that if I drink wine, smoke a bunch of pot, then try to drink more wine, that my system will automatically go into reverse. Rookie mistake (made at the age of 30).

17. What theme does your room have?
I like to call it “Roman Orgy-Red Light Fantasy”. HA HA!
I got a couple of paintings on the wall, but that’s about it.

18. When was the last time you were at a party?
My friend Katie had a game night in Austin wherein not one game was played. I still had fun.

20. Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?
Depends on the day.

21. Would you ever join the military?
I can’t now…too old.

22. The last website you visited?
Yahoo News

23. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Uhhh…lately I’ve been taking pics of myself. Ahem. NEXT QUESTION!

24. How gay are you?
Huh? Happy/gay or homosexual gay? I’m 75% happy gay and 15% homosexual gay. I could do boobie stuff, but not sure sure I would enjoy "swabbing luna".

25. Last person you went to the movies with?
I like to watch movies by myself, but I did see one w/Katie waaaay back in March.

26. What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year?
Not sure yet. Weep in a dark room?

27. Number of layers on your bed?
Layers? Of stuff? Rootie’s blanket, some kibble and the remote. Does that constitute one layer?

28. Is anything alive in your room?
Yes

29. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
Forward a week. Not looking forward to a meeting w/bigwigs this Friday. I don’t want to say anything stupid, which means I’ll probably just stay quiet, thereby looking stupid. I just can’t win.

30. What are you looking forward to right now?
RENFEST!

31. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Today it’s silver.

32. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Nothing, that’s why I do these bullshit questionnaires; they render my mind completely blank.

33. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Uhhh- typing on my keyboard. No..honestly, I am.

34. Honestly, what did you do today?
Reading through a bunch of files to figure out what the hell this promotion is going to be about.

36. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Well, I made a fool out of myself to one of the new assistants. Damn, who the hell named her AMPARO? What kind of name IS that? (I called her campari, which if you google, is COMPLETELY different.)

37. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
Yup. I love the movie “Holes” and “Sky High”, and the cartoon “The Proud Family”, which are all on the Disney Channel.

38. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Yes, Rootie is home, asleep. Wish I was.

39. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Beer

40. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
No, but I sometimes chew on the skin around my nails if I’m REALLY nervous (but only if my hands are newly washed)

41. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
I’m a’right.

43. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. Had dreams about my Papo last night-AGAIN! He wasn't there, but I got a check in the mail for $300 which was something he left for me. ??

44. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
No one is hidden under the floorboards at my house or anything, but there are a few things I’d like to keep under my hat.

45. Honestly, do you love someone right now?
Of course.

46. Honestly, do you want a hug from someone right now?
Yes, a hug would be awesome right about now. I'll just have to settle for booze. Again.

47. Honestly, are you loyal?
Yes

48. Honestly, are you in denial?
About many things, I’m sure.

49. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
What am I, an idiot? Hell yes I’d rather be having sex right now!

50. Honestly, who is your best friend?
I got over that in middle school; I have many wonderful friends who are very dear to me, not just one bff.

51. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
Honestly- never while sleeping.

52. Honestly, do you like someone?
Like, yes. “In like”, no.

53. Honestly, does anyone like you?
Honestly, how could you not? HA HA!

54. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
Nope.

When Orgasms Go Wrong

2007-09-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

This weekend I saw a snippet of “When Harry Met Sally”, and that whole fake orgasm scene has a whole new connotation. I always told myself that I would not be that girl who fakes it, no matter what. It was probably the same time I read Erica Jong’s “Fear of Flying” when I decided that if I was going to partake of sex, I would not merely be a vessel through which someone else got off. I was going to be honest with my partner and myself, and not ever, ever fake an orgasm. I never had a problem w/this when I was w/the ex. In the 4 and a half years we were together I could count on my right hand the number of times I faked it. As a matter of fact, I believe that would only be twice, and on both occasions it was a case of wanting to be there for my man when all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. But sometimes in relationships you have to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own, and I don’t have a problem with that decision.

Fast forward… I was out drinking w/my good friend Eric, who I’d first met many years ago at A&M. We get along really well, make each other laugh, and just have a good time in general when we’re together. He was also gracious enough to lend me his couch when I was working at the IRS and was having a hard time staying awake during that last leg of the trip (San Marcos to Seguin). Though logic, and Penthouse Forum, would dictate that during one of the handful of times I stayed the night at his house we would have fooled around, that was not the case; as with most circumstances of our friendship, this was completely unplanned. One day I asked him if he wanted to meet me at a bar after work. He accepted. 5 hours and many pitchers later, we’re mugging down by JC Kellam, and I follow him to his house.

The funny thing about the way I feel about Eric is that he holds so many of the attributes I am looking for in a man. No really, one day I even listed them out and even I was amazed. But when it comes to physical attraction, our chemistry doesn’t quite mesh like man and woman, more like brother and sister. OK, not THAT bad...but at least cousins. And the weirdest thing is that I am attracted to him, I have fantasized about him, and we have fun flirting and the like when we do go out. We didn’t have intercourse but we did engage in certain oral exploits, and yes, that night I faked it. Twice. I just wasn’t “feeling” it, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings! I mean, I was basically at the controls, so I can’t even say that his prowess was lacking (much…) but after a few minutes when I realized it just wasn’t going to yield any payoff for me, I faked it, found out he was one of those “no baby, you’re going to REMEMBER this” kind of guys who wanted to go for 2, so I faked it again, then concentrated on him.

I might also add that I was summarily DUMPED afterwards; I thought we were better friends than all that, and even though we felt that wasn’t the direction we wanted our friendship to take, we could have at least remained friends. Unfortunately this was not the case, so young Eric is off my Christmas card list, and I learned a lesson about fooling around with boys when you don’t have a clear idea of what your relationship is, which is probably something I should’ve learned in high school. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say? Anyway, I have recently learned that he has a girlfriend, and good for him! Hopefully he’ll get her home fires burning. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself! I’m a woman scorned!) :-)

This now brings me to the latest opportunity which is balancing on the edge of a knife, and threatenting to fall into the category of “mistake”. My longtime friend Juan and I are planning on going to Renfest the first weekend in November. Right now that means we’re getting a room in Navasota, and though it’s going to have two queen sized beds, I am a bit nervous about how this will all pan out. He’s the guy I’ve been sharing rated R cell pics w/and so I know that it wouldn’t take much to get us “there”. I also know that his life is in Ft. Worth, and mine is down here, to say nothing of the fact that we’ve got history together. I think I can sum up the entire relationship in a sentence I wrote to him after our last “break-up” approximately 8 years ago: “You don’t have a problem getting me, you just have a problem keeping me around.” And so knowing all of this, it stands to reason that I will try my very best to keep this all on the level. Ohhh…did I mention I haven’t had sex since Dec ’05? This is going to be rough….

Pretty Nerdy

2007-09-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

My weekend was spent as the one preceding it. Saturday I cleaned my tiny apartment, then I woke up early Sunday morning, packed my cooler, slathered myself in sunscreen using spf 30- way shy of my normal, sun shielding 60 spf (Hear that Adlai? I even use sunscreen when I WANT to get brown!), and went to tan by the pool before all the hungover kids found their way to outdoor activities. I am not a good tanner. I just cannot keep my mind empty enough to enjoy sitting outside doing nothing. This is where the beer and Sunday paper come in handy. Now I'm not sure that I'll be asked to produce my greencard anytime soon, but my skin is taking on a nice golden hue. Hooray for my forefathers and their melanin-producing genes!

And this past week I got some great news: Elizabeth is one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME (no seriously, I even blogged about it back in the day) and I found out that a sequel has been made. And the BEST part is that most all the original characters are back on board, including the director! And the VERY BEST part is that it was so unexpected; unlike LOTR, or Harry Potter, where you have to wait and wait to see something, this is just like "BOOM-it's already been made!" I can hardly wait!!!

Last night was the first installment of another well anticipated history lesson, Ken Burns "The War". He was the guy who set all documentaries on their ear back in 1990 with his series "The Civil War". For many, documentaries were simply things one was made to watch when a teacher got too burned out to face the drudgery of developing an actual lesson plan, but "The Civil War" was made in a style which was entertaining and touching. His style moved documentaries in a new direction, one meant to inform and entertain, which is why I so looked forward to the debut of his take on WWII last night. It means so much to me b/c my Papo was in that war, and it's fascinating to think of him going through all of those things before I ever even existed. It was a little dry, but I will admit to being on the tail end of my uhh..tanning buzz, which left me dozing off at odd intervals. I'm giving it another shot tonight.

In other news, I, along w/my friend Juan, are Renfest-bound for the first weekend in November. I can only remember going once in my life, waaaaay back when I was but a wee lass. My mom and dad drove my brother and myself out to Magnolia back when I was probably in 4th grade. I remember being repulsed by the turkey legs, scared shitless by the gross, green, zitty giant on stilts, and for some reason this was the first trip where I can remember getting carsick. I remember wanting to get my hair braided and also wanting to buy a treat I saw many others partook of: half an orange filled w/some kind of orange icee. My folks probably had a hard enough time scraping up money to get us out there and into the joint, so buying anything once we were there was just out of the question. But THIS TIME! I'm getting my hair braided, and I may even buy one of those goofy halo-looking things that fairy sprites wear. HUMPH! (Not really, Juan- I just want some mead and I'll be a happy camper)

The fact that a movie for eggheads, a new documentary, and a festival for medieval nerds are the things I am presently most excited about is not lost on me. And no, I don't remember the exact point in time when I realized I was becoming the title character from the movie "40-year-old Virgin", and though it does instill me with a small amount of fear, I would like to point out that I am not, in fact, a virgin. Plus, that all ended well so perhaps I do have a shot at getting some action someday.

I also got a bonus this morning when I realized today was a day I had chosen a few weeks back as a vacation day! Since there are 30+ people in our office, we have to ask for our vacation days at the beginning of each semester. This is frustrating when things come up and you don't have the time off you'd like, but it's awesome when you wake up, REALLY don't feel like going to work, and then you notice that you're off today! And what have I done w/my time today? NOTHING! Sunday, Part Deux! And now if you'll excuse me, I've got some napping to attend to.

Lemons Into Lemonade

2007-09-20T16:04:00.000-05:00

I realize that lamenting about the fact that we’re already being inundated with the commercialism of the season is trite, so this year I’ve decided to turn the situation into a positive. (All compliments for the Pollyanna-like gesture can be directed at Lexapro) I want to use this as an opportunity to make a time-table or sorts, and make some short terms goals for all those great “someday” ideas that never quite make it past my inebriated lips and into reality. So, for your viewing pleasure, my to do list for the holiday months (encompassing Oct-MLK day).

1) I will make stellar Halloween plans and follow through with them accordingly.
2) I will go to either the Renaissance Festival OR Wurstfest, potentially both.
3) I will plan a trip to the day spa w/Adlai in December during both of our winter breaks (tentatively planning for Monday, Dec. 17th, but this is negotiable)
4) I will meet w/my friends Jana and Jiffy, and possibly their respective husbands, during the Christmas break. I am hopeful that it will be in Padre but my parents are still nucking futs, so while I’m not holding my breath about the beach, meeting somewhere is in the works.
5) I will NOT spend New Years Eve w/my poodle. Again.

That is all.

Sorry Saturday

2007-09-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

I stand corrected; your weekend can get even more shitty despite the fact that EMS and/or Poe-poes are not involved. For starters, I ended up slicing the bottom of my foot Friday evening, which did not warrant a hospital trip, but made my evening none the brighter. In the morning I took things slow (processing 6 cans of natty light tends to make my body a bit lethargic), and though I awoke at 7am in order to take out my dog, I found myself awoken by my phone at 10am. It was Mom, and instead of gleeful puppydog tales, she relayed that she and Dad got into a fight (OH WAIT! I almost forgot that adults get into heated discussions, not fights) which found her driving back to Padre at 11pm the previous night. She also told me that my aunt's ailing dog, who had an enlarged heart and many breathing problems, had passed away in my Grandmother's arms b/c at the time of her dog's slow, internal asphyxiation, my aunt was out shopping and had asked my grandmother to sit with her moribund pet. She also relayed that my grandmother was very upset from having to witness it.

This was my Saturday morning wake-up call! Whatever happened to mom waking me up on Saturdays to cheerfully announce "The Smurfs are on!"? So I'm at my grandma's house by noon, and at my home by 1. I talked to pool guy and had gotten my water all checked out. It turns out that there's no chlorine in the pool (like at all) so this may not be a case of algae, but one of sheer neglect. He also tells me that while I am welcome at any time, my renter has rubbed him the wrong way on more than one occasion (being either dismissive or accusatory), and that if her demeanor continues he will have to ask her to take her patronage elsewhere. Many of you might say "So what? He said you're cool, right?" To that I will relay: SEGUIN IS SMALL! There are two pool stores, and so if she goes to the other one and pisses them off too, it's going to be the "1603 River St. pool" that's going to suffer, not her. I assure him that I will let her know the old golden rule/you-can-catch-more-ants-with-honey goes much farther, no matter what town she's in.

Off I go to save my pool. Well, not before I drop $290 on the work that was done on the pool in early August, and also purchasing more algaecide and shock. I did this will the full intent of telling them these costs were coming out of their deposits, or could be repaid to me directly, whichever they preferred. Damn good thing I waiting on sending out THOSE e-mails…it turns out that the water has no chemicals in it b/c the skimmer/filter area is clogged; the chemicals are being placed in the right area, but they're not being introduced to the OTHER 16,000 gallons of water that constitute my pool.

So I call Steve (pool guy) and tell him this with a heavy heart, knowing that he's about to close for the day in the next 30 minutes. Not only is he extraordinarily busy, but I am extraordinarily broke, so we're both losers in this one. He then says I should be able to unclog it myself by purchasing a device called a "Drain King", which is just a bladder (rubber ballooney-type thing) on one end, and a place to screw in a water hose on the other end. Using this correctly will build up water pressure causing the leaves/detritus to be safely blown from the pipe thereby purging the obstruction. OR, if you're me (which I am) it causes a tiny explosion in your filter when the water pressure is too great and the twelve dollar part you just purchased is blown to smithereens.

During this whole process I'm having to mentally deal with the following issues:
1) It isn't my renter's fault, unless she's been stuffing cement down this tube, which I could never prove. She was trying to clean up the pool but didn't know that a pipe was clogged. Like the septic tank, regardless of the why or how, I'm responsible for the "what now?"

2) If I can't clear this pipe, trying to put even more chemicals into the pool isn't going to help anything. This means another potential trip to Seguin, which isn't awful, but I want to be committed to living in San Marcos. I don't want to be in Seguin every week, or even every month. I have get used to being on my own, and by that I mean REALLY on my own.

3) I have to pee. While I have the key to my own house, and no one else is there, I just don't feel right going in there when my renters aren't there. It's not my space anymore, and I would feel awful if I knew that someone had been in my apt. when I wasn't there. But then do I go in a bush? Which is more respectful: peeing in their yard or peeing in their bathroom?

I decided to go back to Home Depot, purchase another bladder to fix the pool, drain my own bladder, and give this thing one more shot. From what Steve had told me, there are two points at which you can attempt to clear the line, and if one doesn't work you can try the other. I was on "the other" but it was so named b/c he wasn't exactly sure which pipe on the far end I would need to flush (there were two pipes per point). I figured I had chosen the wrong one pipe and would feel really stupid if I had gotten everything else right, but stuck it in the wrong pipe. Well, not just stupid, it was going to cost me a hell of a lot more than twelve bucks times two to get Steve out there to fix it.

I tried again but chose the pipe to the right. This time I stay away from the affair, but once again crank up the water pressure as Steve, and the instructions, state. Kablooey number two stung exponentially. Now I KNOW I can't fix it, I'm out $25, and the exposure to the hyper-chlorinated water trapped in the skimmer had not only ruined my t-shirt, since the sleeve was now bleached white, it also bleached the hairs on my left arm, then caused them all to break off. Though at first it felt like a perk, after having looked at my right arm I remembered: I HATE ASYMMETRY! Add a bottle of Nair to the cost of the latest home repair disaster.

I still don't know whether or not this is simply a matter of a blocked pipe or something more sinister, but what I do know is that my looking forward to this weekend was about as fruitless as hiring a Chippendale's dancer to perform for Ellen Degeneres. Please, please, oh please Sunday! Save my weekend!

Prissy Hissy

2007-09-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

My grandma has always told me that I have nice hands, and that I should enjoy them before my veins get ropy and liverspots appear. To this day, anytime I see my grandma, she grabs my hands. So, painting my nails has been a priority that transcends aesthetics, but means more to me, almost like a responsibility to enjoy what others no longer have. That being said, I have a peeve about women who have these chipped, have-eaten nail polish jobs that they don’t take care of. I’m a purist; they are either all painted or all unpainted, as the occasion may call for. But I’m also a workin woman; I don’t have a lot of time to donate to this endeavor. This has lead to me spending an extraordinary amount of money on high-end nail products, such as OPI. It’s good polish that you can only find in certain boutiques (Sally’s isn’t one of them). What I like is that you can spend an hour painting your nails on Sunday and not have to worry about chips and such for at least the next 5 days. And though I’m reticent to admit this, there are two main problems w/this polish:

1.) Freakin’ expensive. At $7.00 per bottle, you buy 4 colors and you’re in about thirty dollars. Being that I’m a woman with ever-changing tastes, I’ve got to have ‘round about 30-40 colors in my collection, which brings my tab up b/w $250-$300, and that’s w/me restraining myself
2.) OPI has a very stylized bottle, and through marketing or tradition, the biggest problem w/these bottles is that they often get stuck shut. You can try warm water and coating the outside w/remover, but my favored method is to sternly throw them on a hard surface (ground) in order to wedge those puppies open

When I first got to my apt, the time came to paint my nails, and the requisite “I can’t get this open!” issue reared its ugly head. Not wanting to piss of the downstairs neighbors, I went out to the CEMENT balcony in order to lightly, but firmly, throw the bottle down in order to open and apply it to my nude, awaiting nails. But something went wrong. A brand new set of physical laws presented themselves, and I must have used a little too much vigor and ended up just smashing that bottle to hell, which is something that doesn’t upset me due to no longer having that color, just that there are now shards of glass littering the floor which is encased in my screened-in balcony.

And TONIGHT, after a really shitty day at work, I STEP on a shard that I was not able to see when I originally cleaned up the debacle, causing me to slice open the ball of my foot and trapping me outside (I didn’t want to get blood on the carpet so I had to wait until it stopped.). Of course, I come from a long line of proficient clotters, so it only took about 3 minutes of pressure, but still- I need to rethink this whole time and money investment, which is why I present...

To Paint:

Or Not to Paint:

Feel free to opine.

Forlorn Friday

2007-09-14T18:43:00.000-05:00

1) At 4:20 my mom calls me to tell me I'm bumped; my Dad decided he wanted to go w/my mom to Houston, so my plans for some time w/my mom, Rootie's time w/my Grandma, AND meeting a standard poodle (I want one SO BAD!) are all shot to shit.

2) 4:50 I asked my former supervisor if he could do me a favor and talk to a student for me. He said I should ask my immediate supervisor, la inefectuel herself, to do what I needed done. Basically, he said no. (I do not like that word.)

3) By 4:59 I had devised a plan to slay my diet, get a pizza, and drink copious amounts of cheap beer all evening long. I drive to Gatti's where the vato behind the counter pronounces my name "Nigh-toe". I look at him and say "Meskin, you need to be ashamed of yourself! My name is Nieto!" and his response? "You're meskin too?"

And NOW I've got to figure out how an old lady like me is going to get some sun soon. My people are forgetting me. To add salt to the wound, Gilbert, Gatti's Cashier Extraordinaire (raises pit bulls, but doesn't fight them, has a tattoo on his neck-his last name in old E letters-and a homemade tattoo on his hand that read "crips4e"), asked me if I'm from here, if I had kids, if I was single, and if I have a myspace page, all within the 20 minutes I was waiting for my order. I cannot imagine him to be more than 20 years old, and here he's asking granny out. Sighhhhh….. (NO! I DIDN'T!)

I'm off to drink as much Natty Light as will not make me ill tomorrow, and I'm still on the fence on wrecking my diet (the pizza is in the oven, haven't touched it yet, and it is prime to be frozen). All I know, that barring any hospital visits or mandated conversations with the authorities, my weekend is all up from here!

A September to Remember

2007-09-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

Last night was dinner party the second w/my new friend Ed. The first one was a success, except for the fact that two of the three male dinner guests are contractors who have to wake up at the asscrack of dawn, thus their dinner hour typically begins anywhere from 6pm to 6:30pm. I don't have a problem with eating dinner that early, but I do have a problem with making dinner to meet that time expectation, especially since I get off work at 5pm, go take out Rootimer, then have to drive to Ed's house in order to start cooking. By those margins all I'd be able to crank out would be beanie weenies (as if!). Our first dinner party was lasagna, and we had them waiting until 8:30 to eat, which just about killed everyone so this time we had a deadline of 6:45, so Ed and I each made certain parts at our respective places, and just warmed them up. I, with the help of my Dad, made scalloped potatoes au gratin and a neiman marcus cake, and Ed took care of the roasted chicken and broccoli. Now THAT, my friends, is not a dinner party it is potluck, and I told Ed so; we're going to have to figure something else out for next time. We all had a really good time, though I was a bit embarrassed to attach my name to such a bland chicken recipe. Let me clarify that it was not the chef-Ed did a great job-but the recipe just sucked. I had been sent all of these really nice recipe cards, but I never really had a chance to use them b/c I was in Seguin all by myselfee. Now that I'm in a place where I've met people to cook with/for, I find out those recipe cards are for sucks (one of the instructions called for Stove Top Stuffing!!!!!) and all of my awesome cookware and dazzling kitchen gadgets are 30 miles away and in storage. In any event, I am looking forward to next time even though cooking Wednesday night caused me to be late for work Thursday morning, and drinking wine and gabbing until 11:30 caused me to be late this morning as well. Ah well...as far as problems go, this one isn't a bad one to have.

I have been experiencing some turbulence in landlady land. Apparently the pool has turned green and my tenants are looking to me to fix it. Uhhh...no.... I spent well over $400 getting that pool back in shape AND purchasing chlorine and shock for them to use on the pool, which I felt was a pretty nice thing to do. I showed them how to shock the pool and told them when to shock it. Four weeks later the water is green (algae is the likely culprit), and they are both looking at me like starving baby birds. BROKE, starving baby birds. When I told her how much the bucket of shock costs ($70.00) and that she needed to get some more, her immediate response was "We can't afford that!" Well, maybe you guys should have thought of that before you rented my home and insisted I spend the money to clear up the pool. Besides, 70 bucks for two people is not such a big deal, while my shelling out ANOTHER $70 for a pool I don't USE seems like a much larger injustice. I need to put my foot down and have them realize these things are their responsibility. She's claiming she did everything I told her to do and it still turned green (my fault, right?) and I'm thinking "Since you're not colorblind, at the first hint that it was turning green you should have googled that shit b/c the pool is YOUR problem for the length of lease." And lastly, I'm hoping she's just being miserly on principle b/c I paid for the electricity and water this month (since it was for what I used in July), so they had BETTER have enough wiggle room for an extra $35 per-person expense b/c they haven't even really begun to pay all their bills yet. See...this is NOTHING like I thought it would be! Damn that Mr. Furley for making it all seem so glamorous! :-)

I have previously relayed my newly found dabbling into the seedy underworld of salacious texting/e-mailing, but after sobering up and really looking at the things I shared, I'm getting nervous that my ex and I had a really good (better than average) sex life, and that maybe I won't be able to garner that kind of passion again. It makes sense b/c while we were very good friends, we drove each other freakin' batty, and subsequently took it out on each other in the bedroom. I dunno...it's silly, and I surely won't subject you all to my boudoir repertoire for your actual opinions, but typing it all out like that just made me see that our "regular" nights were still pretty damn sexy. Or maybe I'm just so starved for affection it all just seems so much greater. I guess I'd need to first even just get a lousy piece of action before I start worrying about all this crap. Ha ha!

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to Houston on a poodle rescue mission! No really! Mom and Dad are ready to get another dog, after Rootie’s sister inexplicably vanished in the wee hours of the morning back in April, and they’ve decided that instead of paying for a dog, they should rescue one that needs a good home. Wednesday I visited the vet to get a letter of recommendation for my folks who needed to prove they are responsible pet owners. I didn’t know this, but apparently even when one is trying to rescue a homeless dog, you have to show up w/some credentials. I think it’s a good idea; wouldn’t want the rescue places to become one of the largest providers of mystery meat at the local buffets. I am a tad nervous though because I know it’s going to be very very difficult for me to leave all of those little ones behind. Yes, we’re hopefully going to find two of them and give them ridiculously pampered little lives with scads of affection and love, but I know that my mind will be focused on all those littles that we can’t take with us. And please PLEASE may I have the strength not to get a new brother or sister for Rootie. Amen.

Destination: Journey

2007-09-10T21:01:00.000-05:00

Surprise, surprise, Juan is the SAME dumb jerk I remember 10 years ago. My secret? I SUSPECTED it all along and didn’t get emotionally vested! It kinda sucks that all I’m really searching for is some guy who surprises the hell out of me by NOT being an asshole, so being right about this is hardly a something to gloat over, but coming away unscathed is a small triumph for stoopid girls everywhere. So what happened to THIS foray into dancing with a latin lothario?

Juan and I used to talk two, three times a week for hours at a time, but all of that ended when I sent him risqué pics about three weeks ago. But did that upset me? Surprisingly, no. At this point I’ve got a lot more prospects in my pocket, not in the dating arena, but in life in general. He’s caring for his 21-year-old brother with M.R. in Ft. Worth, while also having to deal with his deadbeat older brothers and their claims on his mother’s house. Do I want to be a part of that noise? HEY-ALL NO! So I figured, you can’t get exposed to herpes through e-mail (yet), so why not? We then moved on (I’d hate to use the word “progress”) to dirty e-mails, all in the dark hours of the night, all when we’re both inebriated (well, at least for my part I can vouch for my own drunken state), and now I’ve lost the respect that used to commandeer his time.

He used to boast to me “You know, you’re the only person whose calls I always pick up.” But that was just a part of the game. He was grooming me for such a long time, and it took damn near a year, but he thinks he can have me. The fucked up part is that now he doesn’t want me, because that whole notion of responsibility just scares the shit out of him. Whenever I get down about the decisions I’ve made, I can always tell myself: “Well, you’re not as fucked in the head as Juan, so you’ve got a tiny chance of coupling up before you die.” While that is a pretty shitty thing about someone else I will defend my position with this gem: I'm almost 32 and more single than ever- whatever comforts me!

This whole thing is affirming in one way because it also feels like I’m growing up. Well, I’d hardly say that sending pics of my goodies is a form of maturation, but not being so wrapped up in the notion that I’m giving away pieces of myself when I fool around with someone. Ha ha! Though I will admit that when he sent me a picture of his johnson, I was fully sober and on my way to work. As soon as the picture came into focus, my jaw DROPPED open, I threw the phone into the passengers seat and screamed! Ha ha! It was about 3 blocks later when I realized my mouth was STILL OPEN! I don't know if it's a Catholic good girl thing, or if all women are always 13-yr-olds inside, but I STILL can't look at the pic for more than 5 seconds w/out feeling extremely naughty and putting it away before I get caught. BY WHOM?! I dunno...but it just feels like I should be caught! :-) While I’d say that’s a pretty good indication that I’m not quite ready to act out the fantasies in the flesh, it is cool that I’m not losing my shit over some controlling asshole who is afraid to fall in love. If anyone is going to be afraid to fall in love, that role will be played by yours truly. :-)

Speaking of sex acts, DJ stood me up! If you don’t recall, he’s the guy I lost my virginity to as a sophomore in college. He found me on myspace and on a few occasions has asked me to send dirty pics of myself to his cell phone. (Has the whole fucking world gone mad? Damn that Tila Tequila!) The only reason I chose to have DJ pop my cherry to begin with was because he was quite the slut, and I was somehow convinced that losing my virginity to a man I could not respect, therefore could not possibly love, would strip sex of all power, and then I could mug down with guys and not give a shit, just like many of my cold sore-spreading Aggie buds. Little did I know that interlude would lead to a summer of lovesickness, and countless hours of worry over the fact that in that one night I probably swapped fluids with well over 20 people. BLLLEEEECHH! (I dunno, I guess I really didn’t think through that whole VD angle when I was searching for viable de-flowering options)

Anyway, correspondence had pretty much ground to a halt; we had talked more than once about my feelings very uncomfortable with a married man coming onto me, which of course I was not receptive to. As fearful as I am of being cheated on, it would be pretty fucked up of me to be responsive, so I mostly just talked to him about how he could potentially spice up his own sex life w/his wife. Of course he pulled out the old "She just won't try/it's all her fault/poor me" bs. It had been more than 4 months since our last correspondence, so when he said he was coming to town for drinks, I had my reservations but could hardly say “I REALLY don’t feel like being an ice queen for a night in order to keep hold of my chastity.” So I said sure and figured I couldn’t be the only person in the area who wanted his attention, and that he’d be off to party with his “boys” by 11pm. Whether that be a euphemism for his wrinkly winkie, or his actual O.D. Phi brothers was going to be the only mystery of the evening. But he asked me to meet him, then never called again. I should be very relieved because in this way I was also able to remove him from my friends list. Unlike Juan, who can at least stop thinking about his nads long enough to get a decent conversation going, DJ had all of the trappings of a situation that was going to end badly for me. Stepping away from that is a good thing.

And to round out my latest romantic disappointments…well, that’s not fair at all. I’ve only met this guy once, and we had a pretty good time drinking Guinness and talking about music. I’m not sure that there’s enough chemistry there to sustain anything other than a drunken fuck, and since we all know that’s just not my style, I think I will be looking forward to lots of beer and lots of cold showers. Could be worse! I could be drinking Natural Light by myself in my efficiency apartment while the twentysomethings are partying all around me (like I’ve done the two weekends before.) But knowing that even my 20 minutes in HEB after work today had me exposed to approximately 300% more potentially viable friends/dates, as opposed to the same 20 minute grocery shopping in Seguin where I'm dodging leering meskins w/teardrop tattoos on their faces, shopping for WIC products, is something that makes me smile. While I am too hard on myself to think that I’m exactly where I need to be, I do know that I’m doing a sight better than I had been doing, and at the very least, the scenery on this journey just got better.

Now THAS What I'm Talkin' 'Bout Right There!

2007-09-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

Beery, Bleary, and Weary

2007-09-09T21:36:00.001-05:00

It only took 10 hours but it looks like my hangover is finally abating. It's a good thing that I rested up last weekend, because I needed all my energy to make it through this one. I started early this week w/lots 'o Guinness Thursday night w/my new partner in crime, Mikey. My favorite bar in San Marcos just wasn't the same when I didn't have anyone to share it with, so I'm happy that I can once again drink copious amounts of beer, listen to some decent tunes, and talk about shit that doesn't really matter with great company.

Friday night I had anticipated getting together with an old contact from A&M, but after the initial invite, I didn't hear from him again. It's all for best because he had crossed some lines before. There are some things lower than a married man with kids hitting on you, but most of those will get you arrested, as well should be the case. I ended up laying low at my pad in San Marcos, drinking a whole mess of natty light, and engaging in adult e-mails until the wee hours of the morning. Hey, I'm still staying true to my "no more dirty pics" policy! Baby steps!

And last night I went to Austin to join Katie for a house gathering for game night (house party always makes me think of that Kid n' Play movie). Maybe next time we'll actually get around to playing games, but I had a great time anyway. There was one strange thing about the night though. Most everyone had gone home but I was going to stay in Austin w/Katie. Katie goes to bed, but there are still about 5 people there and they're all guys that I don't know. For some weird reason two things immediately happened: I began to make popcorn and any other snack I could get my hands on (though it was not my food I was serving) b/c I knew they were hungry, and then after that for some really strange reason I got….scared. I mean, not for my safety or anything, but I suddenly felt really drunk and inadequate and I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of all those guys I didn't know. I'm chalking it up to the amount of ganja in the air because as everyone knows, beer does the exact OPPOSITE to me; I don't give a shit what people think of me, and no matter how stupid I sound, when I'm boozy I'll talk to anyone. Oh well, it was probably just a blip. Or I got slipped some wacky tabacky; that stuff makes me paranoid.

OK, I guess I've kept up the suspense long enough….the mad bomber in my apartment complex DID get dressed down with a sign, but it was not of my making. Mid week I saw that a piece of paper was tucked beneath both heaping piles of doo with the following message: "Hey Asshole. PICK UP YOUR SHIT!" Not as pithy as MY idea, but it either resonated with the culprit or a do-gooding peace maker who just decided to get it out of the way. I vote for the latter; anyone who let their dog shit right outside someone's door and not pick up it up on their own accord probably doesn't care that some stranger called him/her an asshole. I do regret not getting a picture of it though, because I've always wanted to contribute to this site: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com. My lease isn't up until May, so I'm sure I'll get my chance.

Weekend Warrior

2007-09-04T18:56:00.000-05:00

I've got the hoo-doo. In the past hour I have:

Managed to dump a box of toothpicks into my stir-fry
Spilled almost the entire bottle of newly purchased liquid antibiotics
Knocked over a jug of cold water

Mayhaps the karma that is currently attacking was actually forged from my actions this weekend. What other farcical, soft core, beer fueled scene did I stumble through? In a complete departure from the past 3 weeks, I stayed home to clean and organize. ("Ohhh, you rebel you!" No wait, there's more)The logical progression of this act sometimes has me further organizing bits of my life. This weekend I chose to write a 7 page document outlining a few of the more disturbing executive decisions made in my office during my 5 year tenure. Of course w/accompanying documentation and e-mails, what kind of squealing, rat-fink stoolie do you take me for? I won't further delve into the how I got to this point, or what I expect from it, mostly b/c I'm bored as shit from working on it all weekend, but I will convey that while it does make me, at times, feel like a very small person, I know that it needs to be done. As the senior counselor, and with my paper-writing background, I owe it to myself and everyone else to try and change things. And if I mysteriously get run into a ditch by an unidentified driver, TELL MY STORY!

Besides writing what basically amounted to a tattle-tail term paper, I also took the occasion to reading all but the final 3 chapters of Huckleberry Finn, drank about 18 Natty Lights, smoked 1.5 cigarettes, took Rootie out at least a dozen times (her little legs make it impossible for her to traverse the 2 flights of stairs down to the lawns), picked up about 5 of her turds, and COMPLETELY blew my low carb diet by ingesting pad tai noodles on Friday AND Sunday (Thanks alot ERIC! Tai Tai = Yum Yum = Fat Ass). I further extended my long weekend because today, the Tuesday after Labor Day, was the first opening the vet had for Rootie's yearly dental cleaning. Despite the fact that I only feed her dry, crunchy, high-end dogfood ,along with a high-end food product specifically designed to keep a canine's canines healthy, they extracted 5 rotten teeth from her mouth today (hence the liquid antibiotics). I basically feel like a dog-abusing piece of shit who must surely pack her dog's mouth with cotton candy gauze before leaving for work each morning. I've resolved to feed her the soft, wet food she loves (if that 'spensive shit isn't helping, let her enjoy mushed up horse livers for the rest of her blessed little days), because I was misinformed when I read dry dog food will keep a dog's teeth strong and healthy. I've also taken to babying her (yes, it actually was possible to wrench it up a notch) due to my own self induced guilt, and contemplating purchasing a water pick for My Little. That and leash-training her, but let's not share ALL evidence that I've never been knocked up largely due to divine intervention today, shall we?

I also think I may have upset my friend Juan when I "snapped and told" of our cell phone exchanges a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps I am digging in too deep, but I wonder if he felt that what transpired was an indication that we were moving onto a more romantic kind of relationship. There needn't be much palavering on the topic as the only word that comes to my mind is: no. Before you think me a cold hard bitch, read this: Givin' Love to My Myspace Homies (The end of the second paragraph is where you'd want to start.)
Ok, all done now? All I can say is fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

And I will take my leave with one last development born of my self imposed reorientation this weekend. I was in the process of sorting my mail, which is currently extra annoying as I forwarded my mail from Seguin, am now getting mail in San Marcos, and am ALSO getting mail on behalf of the person who used to live here. (I really REALLY hope the local paper subscription runs out soon; there's only so much about Crystal City one could or should know.) Having recently changed insurance companies, I am also getting alot of mail that comes along with that, not only from other insurance companies who see me as sweet meat, but also the new company sending all of the wonderful reasons why I made a good choice (Yeah, ya got me already, I wrote the check. Stop hassling me!) But like any other God-fearing American, I felt the need to open all 5 pieces of correspondence they have sent to me in the past 2 weeks. And it's a good thing I did, for I just stumbled upon a five hundred dollar check made out to yours truly. Perhaps I am just making this more difficult than it needs to be, but it feels very irresponsible to cash a check when I have no idea where the money is coming from, or what cashing this check means to me. I mean, what if that's the check for my mortgage company? Or what if it's one of those tricksey checks where you cashing it constitutes a binding agreement where you are consenting to buy their bogus credit protection plan to the tune of $60 per month, forever and in perpetuity until you die?

I know I should give them a call as soon as I get in to work tomorrow just to make sure it's OK for me to spend, but last month's septic tank adventures caused me to get a short term loan to the tune of $400, and I had to borrow another $500 from my Mom. If that weren't bad enough, I still owe $200 in Seguin electricity for the month of July, and an additional $50 for the July water bill. I figure it'll all even out on its own sometime in November, but this $500 would really help things along. Or I could use it to enjoy the BEST HALLOWEEN EVER. Sighhh...

Best. Clip. Ever.

2007-09-01T00:31:00.000-05:00

Great Locations

2007-08-31T23:49:00.000-05:00

I've tried to take this apartment thing in stride, even to the point where I’ve told myself that since this is my very first apartment that I’m embarking on some new adventure. But the more I live here the more I realize that it’s just like dorm living, which I am quite experienced at since I lived in a dorm (Davis-Gary—WHOOP!), for four years in college, I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty much the same. You deal with noise and the fact that many other people are living around me, and you have to be respectful of that-nothing more.

In other news, I’ll relay that I’ve been thinking about ways to make improvements around this joint. For starters: there are many people here with dogs. And I remember being 19 and wanting a pet, and realizing that if I were given the opportunity, I may well have made the same bad decision of getting a puppy that would have turned into a 60 lb dog, knowing full well that the 40 square feet I was paying to live in was not the best environment for a big dog. And these folks will just have to learn that lesson themselves. Meanwhile- there are a few green patches around the complex I live in, and it’s very tough to navigate your way throughout this land mine when folks are not willing to follow the letter of the leases we all signed and pick up the crap that your dog lays around the place. And having a 6 lb dog that only lays pencil sized “biggies” I do feel a certain amount of animosity for those who let their dog drop massive piles of shit all over the areas leading up and around my apartment, and not taking care to pick them up. They even provide bags, people! So I’m thinking of starting a campaign which would at the very least include flyers posting :

“Don’t be a Douche…
PICK UP THE POOP!”

I’m thinking I will be enlisting the help of Texas State in the way of stealing paper and printer ink from the office in order to post them around my immediate living area. Now, I’m not normally someone who want to be the first to crash a party, but dammit, I counted no less than 6 (SIX!) dog patties on the from my car to the front of the building, so I’m thinking it’s not just a problem affecting me, but one also that relates to those non-pet owners that neighbor my apartment as well.

As an aside, I'd like to admit that I’ve made some spurious decisions as of late that have not made me feel good at all. I’m not a stupid girl, but I’ve been acting like one, and all of that noise just needs to stop. And so it will.

Steppin' Out

2007-08-30T18:19:00.000-05:00

The company picnic was ok. Actually, I ended up with a great overall sense of accomplishment in light of the fact that I can remember my first picnic when I was very shy, didn’t speak to many people, and ended up sitting w/Melissa and Gloria as they watched me get drunk until they stopped serving at 8:30. This year I was all over the place, meeting new people, joking around w/folks from other departments, shaking hands, kissing babies, and by choice ended up sitting w/Melissa and Gloria as they watched me get drunk until they stopped serving at 8:30. (If it ain’t broke….)

That night I also happened to meet Ed, a man from the Registrar’s Office, who extended an invite for the following evening to downtown Austin. I did take him up on his offer (while informing loved ones of my whereabouts just in case.) and had a spectacular time at Oilcan Harry’s. Yes, I’m single, finally in a town full of young, upwardly mobile people, and the first group of friends I hit upon are gay men. (S’ok though…baby steps…first I get into the general vicinity of singles who own cocks, THEN I move on to singles who own cocks that might potentially be attracted to me) :-)

Anyway, we went b/c Lady Bunny was performing, who is the creator and star of a festival in New York called Wigstock. I first saw Wigstock, a documentary, when I was in college, and have always secretly hoped that she’d make a Wigstock II. I have so much respect for someone who was raised in the south (Tennessee) and was able to break away and achieve something that means so much to so many people. I have been to Oilcan Harry’s once before, and it was OK, once you get past the requisite “What is THAT vagina doing taking up space in our club” looks from particularly meaney queenies, but I’ve got a fairly sharp sense of humor, so I just turned my “fag hag” skills up to level 9.4, and it was all good.

The show was hilarious and raunchy. Luckily we were standing pretty close to the stage, with a great view of it all, and after her first set she began talking to a group of guys who came in drag on the side of the stage farthest from us. All of a sudden some really beefy guys began to part the crowd right next to me. Some signal was given and she made a beeline for us, which was apparently the path she was taking to her dressing room. When she walked by me I was cheering and clapping and she GRABBED MY HAND as I yelled how beautiful she was. Lady Bunny is the FIRST celebrity I have ever met, and yes, I totally did all the fawning and pelting her with excessively obsequious verbal diarrhea. Then, later on she gave me her autograph and a free Oilcan Harry’s t-shirt, but by that time I was 3 martinis to the wind and from what I can recall, I believe my first words to her were “I wish that I had a cock so that I could fuck you.” Not the most congruent of pick-up lines, but it did score me a free shirt.

I guess that the worst part of all of this is that almost none of my friends knew who the hell I was talking about when I texted at 3am: “Lady Miss Bunny just grabbed my hand and shook it!!! AND she gave me a free t-shirt and her autograph!” But I had a blast, and that’s what matters. Later that morning we found ourselves at the Magnolia Café, and I stayed in Austin w/Ed in his guest room. He was even gracious enough to let Rootie stay there too! All in all, I had a wonderful time. This, my second weekend living in San Marcos.

Yep…that’s about all that happened this weekend. Uh-huh. Nothing extraordinary or out of character for me- straight and narrow. Weell…except for the hours directly after the company picnic where I took occasion to drink a bottle of shiraz thereby unleashing Sasha, my druken, horny alter-ego who then sent nudie pics to an old friend. (Damn that Sasha!) When taking into account my previous drunk texting, this is by far the least regrettable. And though I did have to suffer his texting back a picture of my right breast with the message along the lines of: “Don’t these come in pairs, where’s my picture of the other one?” (He did this days later when I was sober as a judge and practically blinded by the whiteness of my own knockers), but all I can say is that he wouldn’t have those pics unless I gave them, so I can only be upset at the woman in the mirror. (And yes Juan, I’ve decided to place a moratorium on our late night drunk talks.)

Lastly, I managed to see Superbad. The scenes w/the cops seemed to slow the movie down, but most of it was funny enough, and any movie that includes doing donuts in an empty parking lot to the Van Halen song “Panama”, is fucking aces in my book. I will admit that there’s nothing planned for my upcoming 4 day weekend, except for Rootie’s teeth cleaning on Tuesday, but if stayed along my present course, I’m sure I’ll have something to write about soon. Lots of love and luck to my two favorite teachers!

Movin' On Up!

2007-08-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

In the new apartment now, and it's going OK. The very worst part about it so far has been missing my little Rootinski, but apparently my grandma has taught her another dance, so I guess they're doing OK. Yes, you read that correctly. Grandma has it in her head that Rootie dances w/her. I've seen this "dance" that she speaks of, which is not dancing as much as Rootie trying to dodge my grandmother's stomping feet while my grandma hums off-key, but whatever keeps her busy, y'know?

Work has been a madhouse as today is the first day of classes, so I've been going w/out lunch and getting home around 9:30 or so. Sunday I baked some tilapia, Monday I ate those leftovers, and last night I walked into my apartment and it REEKED of fish. Great- it took 3 whole days but my new neighbors now know that I'm the old lady who smells like fish. I'm just not used to having to take out the trash and wash dishes every day! I used to put all that cleaning stuff off until the weekends, but that place is so tiny that I'm going to have to clean as I go, and though I'm not dirty, I would not call myself a neat freak. I mean, I like it when my house is clean, but when I'm "doing stuff" I just don't focus on putting things right back where I got them from. Maybe that's a good thing, and a byproduct of this coming year will be that I learn to be more tidy. Or maybe I'll just get used to the nickname "wrinkled tuna".

List 'o things I forgot to bring:
1. power cord for my computer
2. ethernet cord for my computer
3. lamps
4. bowls of any kind
5. dishwashing liquid and sponge
6. poodle...sigh.....

The reason I'm not w/My Little is because I spent my pet deposit on the septic tank situation, so I have to wait until I can swing it next month. In the meantime, it's REALLY tough to get to sleep w/out her, which is further exacerbated by the fact that the fully furnished apartment is crammed with ultra stylized furniture that was purchased for solely for their aesthetic qualities. In my tiny little room I have 3 (THREE) chairs, and 2 (TWO) more outside on the balcony. What moron is going to pack 5 people into a space that size?! Oh wait, those asshats across the way who were playing some kind of guessing/shouty boardgame until 2am on their freakin' balcony last night. But I digress…The mattress is a piece of crap. The "gumbies" in my dorm room at A&M were nicer! (So named as they were huge bright green rectangles.) I think it's a full-sized bed, but Tuesday morning I woke up and my right thigh (nalga) was completely sore from the springs, I'm guessing. I'm not really picky about where I sleep as long as the temperature is agreeable. I've slept in the mountains, passed out on chairs, packed in with friends on floors, but I've never ever woken up as sore as I did on Tuesday. Well…on the outside heh heh heh.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING! So far, I know that the person across the hall, to my left, and diagonally to the left are all guys; that's 3 of my 5 neighbors! There is definitely something to human pheromones, I SWEAR! Another reason I can't sleep is because being horny is actually keeping me awake! Normal methods of dealing w/that issue are just not cutting it! Having been relatively celibate (fooled around, but no intercourse) for quite some time now, I think I've handled it fairly well. I haven't gone buck wild and fucked some stranger or woken up humping my pillow or anything, and besides those lonely times of the month (due to a rise in testosterone levels before a woman's period), I normally don't suffer too terribly much. For the past three nights, even though I'm getting home really late and am very tired, I am tossing & turning and having freaky-deaky dreams and fantasies. I just want it to stop!! Stupid evolutionary responses!

Speaking of fellas, I have cut out most all refined sugars from my diet for the past 9 weeks or so. I haven't exercised much, but I definitely have more energy and feel better in general. This afternoon I tried to go to lunch w/a coworker (I have a gift certificate for a steakhouse), but the place was closed. She INSISTED that we go to Johnny Carinos and that it was her treat. I would have gotten a salad, but since she ordered a dish for $6.90, I didn't want to get a $10.00 salad. (I hate that it always costs more to eat healthy in America.) So I got a pasta dish, NO SALAD (b/c it was extra and she didn't get one), and water. My body is FREAKING OUT w/all the carbs! And I'm feeling bad about my mental congratulations for eating well and looking towards adding exercise when I've just taken a huge step backwards. Oh well. "Fuck it Dude, let's go bowling."

On tap this weekend is the LBJ Welcome Picnic for all employees here at Texas State. Free food and booze? I'm IN! I've got to get through 10 more days of being broke (talkin' fishing for quarters in my car, ya'll!) before I get paid again. Any way I can get tanked for free and I am DOWN! There's always the fear that I'll make a complete ass of myself, which is why I normally don't drink at functions such as these, but since my affinity for my job has waned, I'm thinking this just may be my last chance to moon some Texas State bigwig. Yee HAW!!! And much love and thanks to all who've been checking in on me lately. When you think of me, just picture Mary Tyler Moore spinning around and throwing up her hat. :-)

Milk Milk, Lemonade. 'Round the Corner...

2007-08-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

Once we realized we had not hit pooville after all, we were in a scramble to shut off the main water supply. I'm glad I had the foresight to show up, as no one else would have known where the main shut-off is. Eric made a quick run to Home Depot, replaced the punctured pipe, and we were back at square one. He promised to come back the next day w/his backhoe in order to try to find the septic. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said it was his mistake and so when we found the tank, he'd pump it and the charge would be the same. Having been screwed around by most every man ever to repair anything I have ever owned, I was swooning over Eric the Septic Man. (Not like THAT, he's married w/3 kids, but if he had a brother….) :-)

Next day I get a call at work from Eric who tells me his uncle, who has been emptying septic tanks for the past 20 years, went out to help him look/dig, but still no septic. At this point Eric suggests I hire plumbers to find it, as they have the equipment and expertise to follow the pipes. Once I find the tank, he'd be more than happy to empty it. Despite the fact that's it's late registration, the busiest time of year in our office, I took a half day off in order to do some research at the courthouse (just can't BELIEVE there's no record of it!), and to try to get someone out there.

The plumber I call was gracious enough to fit me in on short notice, and then I found out why. They sent TWO plumbers from San Marcos, and while their ad in the phone book boasts that they don't charge by the hour, the first thing out of Plumber 1's mouth is "We can either charge you by each piece of equipment we need to use to find it, or you can do an hourly rate. Since we'll need to probe the pipes, we'll use a device that has a camera on the end. I'm telling you right now, that will cost you $400 just for us to use. Then you're looking at being charged for the digging equipment." Under the pretense that it would take only a couple of hours, and knowing that they charge $165 per hour (!!!), I think I can do better w/the hourly rate. FOUR AND HALF HOURS LATER, and having missed the entire work day, they've finally uncovered a portion of the pipe that leads to the septic tank. The camera did not find it; just an old rotor rooter and the plumbers listening to where it was traveling underground. By the time they expose the pipe, I'm in $750. There is still no way to get the contents of the tank out, AND the plumbers do not empty septic tanks.

JR, lead plumber, tells me they can come back tomorrow to make a "clean-out" (connect a pipe to the tank which will allow us to clean it out), which will be $798, not counting the rental of a backhoe which normally goes for $400 but since I'm so friendly he thinks he can get away w/charging me only $200. (Yeah right, buddy...any thoughts of you doing me any favors went right out the window when you charged me $750 for finding a pipe.) So at this point I'm in $1,748 and I STILL need to get Eric to come back to empty it! By my count, this shin dig the girls threw is costing me $2,048. Or is it….?

I call Eric and explain that they've exposed the pipe. He says he'll make the clean-out and pump it for $475, backhoe included. One problem: the expensive guys will let me finance it, but Eric needs cash or check. I just spent my rent money (due on the 18th, mind you) on the plumbers who stated that payment could count as a down payment so that I'd only need to make two more payments w/in the next 90 days to pay it off. What's a girl to do? That's how I found myself on my knees Wednesday night after work, asking my grandma to spot me $400.

The work was done last night. Turns out the level in the tank was OK, but a bunch of roots had blocked the ability for "stuff" to get into the tank. The frequency of flushes from the girls and their guests brought out the problem as the drainage was happening so slowly; since before then it was just me, I never noticed it. OH, and even though I did get to pretend I was Nancy Drew or Encyclopedia Brown while looking through all the old records at the courthouse, it turns out the septic tank was exactly where the first plumber was probing, just 5 feet deeper than any other septic tank has been buried in the history of cesspits.

That morning, on another job, Eric broke his backhoe, which will cost him $4,000 to fix. Did he cancel my job? Nope, he rented a smaller backhoe and was at my house. He fished out the bundle of roots, pumped the tank, and discovered the showers have a separate pipe to the tank, which was also broken. He made a clean-out, customized it w/a y-bend pipe in order to accommodate whatever idea the maniacal fuck who put a stealth septic tank w/out a place to pump it from pulled out of his ass when he constructed the tank, and put all the dirt back. He was there from 3:00-8:30, and still only charged me $475.

I've decided that at some point in time I will need to name something that I love very much "Eric" in order to pay homage to this very honest, compassionate, generous Godsend of a man. And if anyone at all in this area needs a guy, or know someone who needs a guy…call King's Septic, (830) 708-7867.

What I now need to figure out is how to come up w/the rent and pet deposit by Saturday, my move-in date. By the way, because that is THE move-in date for everyone, and will be very busy, they will not accept credit cards. Sighhhhh…. "And for my next trick…."

Stay tuned.

(Not THAT kind of trick!)

Septic Tank Adventures, Part Deux (Get it?! Doo?!)

2007-08-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

Saturday I had to come into work, but before I left I talked to the extortioni…uh, I mean, plumber, Ramon Palomo. He said he thought he knew where the septic overflow valve was, and that he would find it in order to release some of the pressure. That way the girls could use their toilets and such until the septic tank guy could come out. Mr. Palomo is a friendly man, VERY talkative, and does a lot of work for my dad. This is why I called him. Note I never said he was cheap; he charged me $45 to change out the flapper on the downstairs toilet on Friday. Anyway…it was already after 11am and I thanked him for helping me. I told him that since I have to pay the septic guy $300, we could just wait until Sunday, but he insisted on staying, told me he would be digging in the shade, and at least the girls would be OK for the evening, AND he could mark the valve so that the septic guy could do his thing the next day. I did agree and asked that if anything went wrong, for him to please call me. And as is my way, I jokingly told him that I hoped I wouldn't hear from him.

And I didn't! Sunday morning I meet w/the septic guy, Eric Thomas, at the house and noticed a bunch of holes in various places in the yard. I begin to gather that the overflow valve was not found. Huh…. But Eric starts anyway. I know he and his wife have church at 10:30 am, but he's pretty sure he'll be done by then, and in the meantime, I'm off to run errands. I guess it was about 10 when he called to tell me he couldn't find the overflow valve either. Now I feel a total ditz b/c I don't where my own septic tank is, but I do remember my Dad hired some folks to fix some underground line after I first got the house, and I was thinking it was for the tank. Now how to nonchalantly inquire as to the whereabouts of my septic tank w/out around parental suspicions….

Eric goes to church and I promise to ask my Dad if he knows where the tank is. At around 10:30 the girls call and sure enough, when one of them tried to take a shower, the downstairs bathroom flooded again. Thank you Mr. Palomo! Why didn't he call me yesterday?! So the girls aren't happy w/me, I'm not jazzed w/the girls b/c AGAIN that morning there were 5 cars in the driveway, along w/some beer cans (different ones b/c I had picked up and thrown away those from the previous day), and this time 2 empty Whataburger cups in the yard, and a Whataburger ketchup tub in the driveway. Since I'm guessing they're having to drive to a gas station to "do their poops" (I believe sorority girls and 5 yr olds both use the same terminology), I wasn't about to nag about the state of the driveway a second time. I tell them I'm on it as best I can, and that I'm waiting for Eric to call back after church.

Now for my part; I have the kind of Dad that when told of any mechanical problem under the sun will say "Well…call a _______." For example:
ME: "Dad, my brakes are squeaking, what do you think it could be?"
DAD: "I don't know. Call a mechanic."
ME: "Dad, my light switch just stopped working and I know it's not a light bulb"
DAD: "Well…call an electrician"
ME: "Dad, I think I hit something w/the lawnmower and now it rattles."
DAD: "Well…call a repair man"
ME: "Dad! The flood waters are coming up close to the back porch!"
DAD: "What do you want me to do?"
These are ALL actual conversations that have taken place, and if anyone ever wonders why I am so fascinated/attracted to men with working hands that can actually fix things, wonder no more. (Also remember that he got me out of all of those Animal Control tickets when I had some squatting stray dogs, so he's not all bad.)
So when I did ask my dad about it, he simply rattles off the name of the company he hired to fix it the first time, and says he's pretty sure it's under the side balcony. Well, that's something at least.

Eric can't make it back to the house until 6pm that evening, so I'm in my room reading all afternoon. I get a call from Mr. Palomo who relays that he never did find the septic tank (No shit, Sherlock), but he was there the entire afternoon so his bill comes out to $280. For NOT finding the septic tank, and NOT calling me yesterday when I still had time to insist a septic man come out Saturday. I kept my cool b/c Seguin is a small place, but I remind him that he never did call me (he claimed his diabetes was acting up and he was too tired to call, though he had previously told me he had gone to a party the evening before.), and that w/in the first hour of him NOT finding anything, he should have warned me that he would need to charge me by the hour. I already knew Mr. Palomo could not fix my problem, I was going to have to pay a septic man $300 regardless, which is why I tried to get him to go home Saturday morning, so this whole thing was just ridiculous. I told him I'd give him $150 for his troubles sometime Wednesday. Methinks that is the end of my working relationship w/Mr. Palomo.

'Round about 5:45 a huge storm blows through, and I'm very worried that this will mean that he can't pump the tank, but Eric the septic man comes through! On a Sunday. In the rain. This guy is aces in my book. BUT WE STILL CAN'T FIND THE TANK! I decide to go to the house to try and help (I know that sounds stupid, but I just felt like I needed to "be" there, y'know?), and Eric did hit upon a spot where fluid immediately bubbled up. This did make me nervous b/c though I need the tank emptied, I'd prefer to find the hole it's designed to be emptied from, not make any new ones, but I trust Eric. So he's pumping it out and one of the girls' parents and grandparents are over to help her move in, and we're all in the driveway watching Eric do his thing. I whispered "Is that really sewage?", and one of them said "Yeah…it should be.". My response: "Then why doesn't it stink?" Naïve as it sounds (or crass, I can see a case for either), I had brought up a relevant subject, for it turns out he did not find the septic tank at all; he hit and punctured my water line.

To be continued….

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These...

2007-08-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

So the renters are in as of yesterday. I am proud to say that except for the furniture, I single handedly packed, moved downstairs, and lugged to the storage shed, the entire contents of my house. Yeah, I've got more bruises than whoever Ike Turner is currently dating. But in a way it feels good. Don't get me wrong; the last 48 hours have been the worst in recent memory. I was packing, moving and cleaning for 22 hours straight, still didn't get it all done, but at 4am, knowing I had to wake up at 6:30 in order to go to work, I just had to stop. I had packed EVERYTHING (at some point I think I just went on autopilot), so when I took a shower all I had was some dandruff shampoo I had found under my sink, which was left from my ex. I was so thankful to have it, until I realized it was the "cooling" formula. I'm sure that under different circumstances it may be have been a titillating experience, however the tingling sensation on every part of my body was quite a burden, especially since Rootie and I were vying for space on her pillow (yes, I had to sleep on my dog's pillow), and also competing for the coat we used for a blanket. Just an FYI: if you have to choose a dog to keep you warm in chilly conditions, a tiny toy poodle is the WORST option. After about an hour, "Redneck theatre" began next door. It's 5am and the bumpkins next door were up, on their porch having yet ANOTHER screaming match about who's on probation and isn't supposed to be talking to whom, blah blah blah, while having morning coughing fits where their smoker's lungs are presumably being spat out mouthful by mouthful.

So, after THAT night, I still had to go to work, and afterwards load and deliver the last 20 or so boxes out to the storage place . Thankfully my Dad did let me borrow his truck. He was not so generous w/his time or manpower. Sighhh…My family doesn't support my decision to rent out my house and move to San Marcos, and so I made the decision anyway and just did it myself. Anyone that knows me realizes what a big deal that is. My biggest worry is that something will go horribly wrong and I'll have to admit that they were right and I shouldn't have rented out the 'stead and moved to SM.

Last night I spend the first of 8 nights upstairs in my old bedroom at my parent's house. Talk about full circle! I found all the books I used to read as a child and it's been cool to take a look back. Due to all the moving mentioned above, I didn't get home until 10:30pm, then my folks came in from having dinner (I had a can of tuna), and talked to me a bit and up I went to bed. My nails looked AWFUL so I had to paint them (major peeve about chipped nail polish), so I was up until 12:30 or so.

This morning I woke up at 8 (Dad never used to let us sleep past 8 and I really REALLY didn't want to chance one of Dad's wake-up calls of yore), and by 9:30 one of the girls renting the house called me. This morning they flushed the toilet and the downstairs bathroom flooded. I calmly told her to shut off the water and that I'd call my plumber directly. W/in the next hour I'm back at the house, driving into the driveway which is packed w/5 cars, not including the plumber's truck. In the driveway are 3 empty Keystone tallboys, and two Jack N' the Box ranch packets, one of which has been smashed. When I enter I see greek letters in the downstairs room. None of the girls are there, but there is a guy downstairs in one of the beds, and another guy on the couch upstairs. Both of them are feigning sleep, and I know this b/c I called out the names of my renters many times and neither of those guys budged. It dawns on me that I've rented my house to sorority girls. The good, hard working, responsible, non-drinking girls I rented my house to are in reality sluts who had the christen the house the first night, and have such great personalities they have to pay into a society in order to belong to a group of "friends". What I had taken for the uncertainty of youth is actually what happens when a cold, snobby bitch is being nice to you. How could I know?!

They had some people over and it overloaded the septic tank, which will cost $300 to clean out. It could have been much, much worse. I told two of the girls that they cannot flush t.p., nor can their guests. I explained that I had been the only occupant for quite some time, and the maximum amount of people living in the house at any one time had been 3. If they were to have friends over, they had to take into consideration that this is not a new home, and that b/c of it is not new, I would pay for the septic bill, but if it happened again they would be responsible. I did not raise my voice. I most certainly mentioned the fact that there were many cars out front and beer cans in the driveway. I also told them that it is none of my business what they do in the house, that I want them to enjoy living there, and I fully expect(ed) them to have a party. But I could not bear the brunt of their house guests in the future.

Half an hour later I get a call from one of the renter's mothers who is very gracious and nice (I actually really like her), and she says the girls are worried that I'm mad at them. I'm not "mad" at them, I'm upset that in less than 24 hours the bathroom is flooding! I fear that this does not bode well for the future. She was very sweet, and assured me that the girls are taking care of the house. Tomorrow at 8am I will go back to the house in order to give the septic guys their money. I pray that the system is not bad as I hear replacing it could cost upwards of $6,000. And in the back of my stressed mind I keep hearing Adam Yauch: "You reap what you sow when you plant the seed." You slit your wrists vertically, not sideways, right?

PS: The folks live in the boonies and my cell doesn't work well out there. While my Dad does have a laptop, I will NOT revert to asking any such question as "Dad, can I use the computer to get online?". Please keep those things in mind if you'd like to chat me up during the coming week.

These Life and Times

2007-07-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

For those of you who aren't in the know, I'm moving to San Marcos next month, so lately I've been looking at my surroundings in a different light. Y'know, just getting the "my town" kinda feel to area. I went to Hastings to establish a movie rental account, I've scoped out the electric company b/c I'll need to go there and fill out the apps to get my electricity set up in San Marcos, I went to a bar by myself on Saturday night and got my car towed, y'know…all the usual shit.

This whole thing started w/the TEXAS Grant. About 900 students are waiting to use that money to pay their bill, and I have to manually make that happen. When I say "manually" I mean that I've got to type in each student ID number, then type in
"B 80206 1 2585"
"B 80208 2 2585"
This action, performed 900 times will effectively award the TEXAS Grant. Since I no longer have a boss, I've been trying to work w/our systems analyst to make a few changes in order to streamline the process. (I'm trying to get her to write programs that will do my shit for me.), but understand that our awarding system is old. I mean like Atari old, and if you can only imagine trying to make an Atari system perform the functions of an I-Phone, you know what I'm up against. Our first attempt posted in Friday night, which meant that I had to go into work Saturday to see if it "took"; the timing is important b/c it has to be in by Saturday night in order for these students to be able to use their money. (The way our sytem works and interacts w/the systems in other offices is more complicated than the way Mormons set up their heaven).

Now…there is definitely a maverick element to my personality, and lately this element has had full reign over most of my actions, especially at work. That is how I enabled myself to not only forgo a test run, whilst slowly chipping away at the list last week, I also neglected to enlist the help of others, knowing full well that if this didn't work, I'd be in our office on Saturday doing ALL that shit myself. So I was in the office bright and shiny Saturday morning to make sure I had time to get it all done, just in case something went wrong. Oh wait….that was the Aimee that used to give a fuck about the job, y'know, before I shafted by the director. That's right, what I did was wake up around noon, wash some clothes, watch some TV, rent my storage shed, go on a wild goose chase for a moving company that apparently doesn't exist, and help my grandma get those funky worms whose nests look some kind of cotton candy for Lucifer himself, out of her trees. I set off for San Marcos around 4:30, returned a rented movie for my dollar credit at the aforementioned Hastings in San Marcos, then promptly pulled in at the local movie theatre where I watched the 5:15 showing of The Simpsons movie. (Good flick, by the way; I'll be seeing it again.)

I saunter into my office around 7pm and discover that the program was moderately successful in that it posted in the second part, which is a place holder for spring, but the actual money, the only thing that matters right now, didn't work. Sighhhhh. Three hours and a decent start to carpal tunnel syndrome later, they were all awarded. I got all that shit done myself, but can anyone really blame me for wanting to, no EARNING the right to nurse a tall Guinness at my favorite bar? (A tall Guinness, 7 tall Guinnesses…whatever) And when, after circling the block 3 times and losing FOUR FUCKING SPOTS due to lousy timing, I decided to park near the bar in a completely empty Kinkos parking lot, I didn't really think much of it. At the time…obviously I'm still thinking about that decision now.

Closed the bar down, talked to some folks I knew, and met a lot of cool people I didn't previously know. I make one last trip to the loo, walk outside to where I parked my car and find nothing. I search in vain for any sign of where my car may have been towed. There are no numbers to call, no trace of where my car could be. So I, looking at my nearly dead cell phone, call 411, who connects me to the police station (really want to talk to THOSE guys after I've had several drinks), who then give me a number for the most likely culprit: Saucedo's towing. Oh, how loathsome to be undone by one of my own kind!

Soooo…I know WHO has my car, but that doesn't tell me WHERE my car is being held hostage. She gave me directions, but anyone who knows me at all knows that the part of my brain that handles proximal relationships between the four cardinal directions was long ago supplanted by all thing falling under the category of "useless trivia". And normally thats OK, I love maps for a reason, but the gestational period of an elephant (22 months) wasn't coming in handy during this particular moment in my life. What next? I start walking, of course! The lady says "go to Taco Bell and walk left", and in the process of doing that, I caught a break; some of the girls I had been talking with in the bar were driving past and started calling my name. I told them my car was towed and asked if they knew where the place was; two of the girls had been towed before by the same people, and they drove me there, which, by the way, was at least a mile away AND set so far back that I really don't know how I would have found it otherwise. If it hadn't been for that bit of serendipity, my night could have easily turned into something more than an amusing story. (THANK YOU PAPO!)

The kid who towed me was nice enough, and I wasn't really angry w/anyone but myself. When he pulled up to let me in the yard the first thing I said was "Can't I just fuck my way out of this?" to which he replied "Honey, I would if I could". Se la vie. Fifteen minutes and one hundred bucks later, I was back in my car and on my way to Seguin. And San Marcos sends it's "WELCOME HOME" my way.

Lyin' Just Ain't My Bag, Baby

2007-07-16T23:41:00.000-05:00

Here I sat, in all of my pink-eyed glory. Pttttthhhhhh.....

Note my right eye. Almond-shaped (nothing spectacular but undiseased), and my left eye, which actually was a bit better after placing a cold compress to it for about 2 hours Saturday morning. (Yes, I know...my eyebrows could use some work...)

And thanks for all the infirm energy sent my way, which I know that I asked for. I now realize what a lucky gal I am to have such dedicated and powerful friends. But just for the sake of clarity...PLEASE STOP THE UNWELL WISHES! :-)

And The Hits Just Keep On Comin'!

2007-07-15T08:48:00.000-05:00

Guess who woke up this morning w/her left eye gunked shut? WTF!? I was joking w/close friends that if I ever called in to work w/a case of "pink eye", that was just code for "playing hooky", but after a week off from my tonsils filling my throat, here I sit w/my left eye goofed up! Guess it's time to take those antibiotics my doctor prescribed. I haven't been swapping spit or rubbing faces w/2nd graders, I SWEAR!

I realize I'm trying to find another job and that I'm no longer anywhere near as vested as I once was, but I do have things I'd like to get back to. People I don't want to dissappoint, both staff and students alike. This past week has gotten me fairly stir-crazy, and here I sit, looking at another week of knocking around my house, reading, and watching shitty TV! Sighhhh....File under "Too much of a good thing."

Shit man, shit! What's next, PINWORMS?! (Which I've never had, by the way, but my oldest childhood friend and her two sisters had them more than once and that has always freaked me out.) Why doesn't this "ask and you shall receive" thing happen in other areas of my life? For the record, I'd really like to meet a great guy who's into me, rent out my house, get into the speech path program in San Marcos, and have kids before I'm 40. WHEW! (Just in case this is some Twilight Zone thing where all one needs to do is place their desires in and old book, thusly making them come true.) Laugh if you will...'memeber THIS?! (Check out number 4) I AM FORTUNE'S FOOL!

Drunken Nights Survey

2007-07-13T18:40:00.000-05:00

Strong enough for a blog, but made for a bulletin:

When I get drunk… usually I get chatty and up-for-anything fun (mostly in a platonic way).
Do you talk about Religion or Deep meaning thoughts: Sometimes, depends on who I'm getting drunk with. This usually happens w/my Dad.

Do you Cry? I can count on my right hand the number of times I've ever succumbed to maudlin thoughts while inebriated, and that's after almost a dozen years of getting' tore up. (NO!)

Do you get Angry? Not often, but it has happened. A few times I've gotten a bit…feisty.

Do you Vomit? Nope, that's the good part about being a beer drinker; once you're seasoned, it's really difficult to drink enough to vomit.

After 7 beers are you drunk? Most definitely feeling it.

After 1 shot of 151 you are? No; liquor tastes yicky and usually makes me feel uncoordinated and slow (unlike beer which makes me feel whip-smart and sassy!)

Your favorite drink is? A nice hefeweisen w/a lemon, a tall Guinness at room temp., a cold Carta Blanca, a frosty Zeigenbock, a cheap Lone Star Light, (I can go on and on…).

Tequila does what to you? I go CRAZY, a la the movie "Blind Date". No really.

Whiskey makes you? I dunno. Never got drunk off straight whiskey.

Who do you drink with? My only criteria is that you have to drink too; no teetotalers!

Vodka makes you? I told you, I feel off my game, but I can have a couple of martinis before drinking beer to hasten the point of lift-off.

Do you smoke when you drink? Usually I do, but I can make a decision not to smoke for a night and it sticks. If I'm going to where I could potentially meet an interesting someone of the opposite persuasion, I'll forgo it (I just think of Edna Crabapple).

On the rocks or straight up? "Cold" is the only thing that can ease the burn (on the rocks).

Do you Pass Out? ?? Like faint? No, but I've been told that after a raucous evening o'fun, I sleep veeerily heavily, and snore. (This is heresay, but it does come from a reliable source-sorry Michele)

Do you drink girly drinks? Nothing too fancy; margarita on the rocks or a pina colada. Yup, that's the extent of it.

Do you drink alone? Before this year, I made it a point to never ever do that. I don't know if it's age or circumstance, but I can catch a buzz at home by my lonesome and not feel bad about it.

Worst Drink you have ever had? Bloody flaming frog's ass. Shot from the now defunct Cadillac Bar on Northgate. It tasted pretty much how it sounds.

Do you play drinking games? Not anymore. I mean, I would, but uh…I try not to hang out w/minors. :-)

Drunk Phone Calls to people? NO NO NO! NOT A DRUNK DIALER! (Had a short rendezvous w/texting, but I've been able to conquer that demon)

Drink and Drive? Well, since I live by my lonesome, I have to 'fess up. When I can, I will call my grandma to take care of Rootie, and stay w/friends.

What is your favorite beer? Wet beer; even 40's aren't safe around me.

What is your favorite mixed drink? Bloody Mary or White Russian (sorry Adrian! Them's tasty!)

What is your favorite shot? Buttery Nipple or Mexican Flag (nostalgia…)

What will you NOT drink? Drano and bleach. (I'll even sip on Campari) Just b/c I don't like liquor, doesn't mean I won't drink it in a pinch.

Are you a lightweight? No, I'm not a pro but I'd say at least a welterweight. :-)

Do you like the drinks with the little umbrellas? Only when on a beach.

Do you ever drink Bacardi Silver? I had some rum in Padre; not sure what kind.

Do you like frozen drinks? No; I have sensitive teeth and brain freezes should be included in one of the levels of hell.

Do you drink liquor straight? No

Do you ever drink out of the bottle? I'm saving that for the day I find myself unshowered and sleeping on a sidewalk.

Have you ever had a jagerbomb? Yes. That's actually a shot I don't mind.

Are you drunk right now? Nope, but you can tell how bored I am b/c I'm still answering these.

Do you consume more than 2 alcoholic beverages a day? Depends on the day

Do you drink a lot of wine? Yes and no. Not terribly often, but when I open a bottle, it's just me, so it's definitely a
time investment.

When is the last time you drank? 4th of July

Have you ever thrown up from drinking? Unfortunately, yes.

Ever done a Keg Stand? Nope; I'm afraid of heights and get motion sickness easily.

Name someone that will repost this drinking survey? I'm pretty egocentric, so probably just me.

Ever been streaking while drinking? Nope. I even went to Mardi Gras and never flashed my tatas, or gave smootches! The way I got beads is a heavily guarded secret. (No, I didn't buy them; good guess though, Juan!)

Failed any college courses due to alcohol alone? Every college course I have failed was due to alcohol!

Ever woken up & said "dude where's my car? No, but sometimes after I get out of a store and walk into the parking lot, that thought pops up. (Has nothing to do w/alcohol)

Ever carried someone due to their drunkenness? Heh heh…yes, helped carry.

Have you ever cleaned up a friends puke? Yes.

Puked in a friend's car? Twice guilty. 1st time I made it out the back window (just needed a car wash), the second time I got some on the seat belt, which the owner didn't discover until she finally stripped down her car and found it had rolled up and gotten it all stinky. I felt HORRIBLE! (She turned out to be psycho, so don't feel as bad about it now.)

Ever drank more beers than years? I dunno.

Ever smash a beer bottle when mad? No, but I once tossed one in what I thought was an empty(ish) field, but I let go too soon at it tinked off a huge "I've-got-a-small-penis-so-I-bought-this-truck kind of truck. His drunk gf came out and told me her bf would kick my ass if she told him, to which I said was a sad statement about the man she was dating. She then said she would fight me. I had a cigarette in one hand, my other hand in my pocket, and said "Well, I'm not going to throw the first punch…", looked her dead in the eye "but good luck." (IT WAS LIKE DIRTY HARRY, I SWEAR!) My reputation as a lover, not a fighter, is still in tact.

Sickly Dickly

2007-07-12T16:40:00.000-05:00

So guess what I get for being the Beso Bandito at the shindig on the 4th? TONSILITIS! A'yup… I'm quarantining myself for now, which is something my folks used to do when my brother and I were kids. If one of us got sick, we'd have our own "sick kit", which were the utensils used and only used/washed by the sickee. Yeah, it wasn't enough to feel miserable, you had to get that emotional sense of isolation too. I'm exaggerating, I got my fair share of coddling when I was ill, mostly by my grandma, but nowadays I'm just used to sticking around inside and trying to limit contact w/healthy folks in general. Wish EVERYONE was like that, then maybe someone wouldn't have gotten ME sick! Sigh….(yeah, total penance for my hoe-baggery).

SO what does someone such as myself do when she and her faithful dog are cooped up? Well, here's the list thus far:
-check TV listing on internet b/c I don't like the way you have to sit on channel 77 for a solid 10 minutes just to figure out what all your options are (I am a channel surfing goddess-what can I say, I'm in to knowing my options)
-Trying to remember how the hell I made smoothies when I was working at the yogurt place during college. I am that freakin' old folks-I can't even remember how we made those yummy yummy strawberry smoothies that would really help sooth my sore throat. (It's the simple syrup that's got me flummoxed.)
-Clean up messes made by attempts relayed above
-Watch a little TV. Realize that while I don't want anyone to get murdered or anything, they have GOT to make some new Forensic Files and/or Cold Case Files shows to keep me interested. Also, in the time I didn't have cable, was Mythbusters on hiatus or something, b/c I can't seem to catch a new one of those either.
-Wonder aloud who the hell enjoys judge shows. All the yelling and screaming, the glib jeers, arguments devoid of any logic, not to mention the catty remarks made. (I'm speaking solely of the judges on these shows, the plaintiffs and defendants are a whole other kind of bozo altogether.)
-In the haze of TV hypnosis, thinking "Maybe ITT could change my life forever…" before snapping back to reality.
-Getting semi-addicted to answers.yahoo.com. Hey, my answers were chosen as "Best" three whole times now! I'm makin' a difference!
-Fun w/Rootie!
Q.When left to her own devices, will she run away?
A. No, she'll either stand right by the front door, waiting for me, or find a
sunny patch to lie in.
Q. Does she like raw meat?
A. Alas, though her primal instincts recognized it as potential food, the centuries of domestication caused an "ick" factor, so she spit it out.
Q. How long can I tickle her feet (I lightly brush against the hairs b/w her paw pads) while she's sleeping before she gets pissed enough to move away from me?
A. Hasn't happened yet, just a lot of kicking; we got to 7 minutes before I gave up and moved away from her.
Q. Can I teach her that me lightly holding onto a piece of her hair/paw wouldn't bother her if she would just stop pulling?
A. She figured it out w/the paw thing, but I still cannot lightly hold her tail or any piece of her hair-she'll pull it.

Now I'm even boring myself!!! Sigh…time for another nap for Cranky. Tonsils, behave!!

Rockin' the Cradle of Love

2007-07-05T18:35:00.000-05:00

I'm never drinking ever again!!! Sigh…. Just hating life right now. Yesterday I went to a 4th of July party and drank….way too much. No really. I drank way. too. much. The highlight of the evening was snogging, in public, w/a 24-yr-old. What was I thinking?!?!? Honestly, I was thinking "I really want to find a bedroom and show this guy how it's done" which, of course, I did not do. Last night I must have been positively irresistible; I also got hit on by two women! (Well, I was wearing Birkenstocks….) J One woman was my age, a femme, but a dirty femme! She was taller than me, and admittedly a little scary. The other one was actually quite young, probably 22 or so, and she was so sweet! She drew hearts on my arm w/her liquid eyeliner, looked me straight in the eyes and said "Now this love will travel up your arm, and into your soul." Hokey, yes, but it's still pretty damn sweet. I did meet a lot of other people, and for that fact alone I'd have to say that I had a good time. I guess getting groped in public was just icing on the cake. (why...why...why?!) Stupid jello shots.

Still tipsy at that point o' the morning. Here's the real assessment of the evening. Enjoy.

OK, some clarifications… The party started at 1pm. I had not yet eaten anything that day, but I did have a couple of sausages w/mustard. They were tasty, and I washed them down with a couple of beers. My hottie, Ray, arrived around 3pm. He works at a homegrown computer place and does stand-up comedy on the side. He's going to be at the Velveeta Room tonight, as a matter of fact. Anyway, I finished my 6 pack (there were only 2 kegs and there was a fear that they'd run out of beer) and went on to drink some of Courtney's beer. (It's OK, I asked first) At this point I would have done well to eat something else, but I did not.

Throughout the afternoon I met a lot of people. Nancy the PTA, Andy the outdoorsman, Matt the carpenter from Baton Rouge, Piper whose father was in policeman training when he lost a finger in an accident (his trigger finger), and then had to be a postman, Bonnet the waitress who has an online blog. But every once in a while, Ray would come around and we'd chat each other up. I could tell he was interested, but he's a youngin, so I didn't think too much of it. As a matter of fact, I was kind of hard on him; y'know, teasing him in my blunt way and just making fun in general. I've noticed that there's a certain kind of guy who actually enjoys this, and sees it as a challenge, but the messed up part is that I'm not trying to play hard to get; that's actually a part of my personality, and I can't play games for shit, which is why this type of man is especially dangerous to me. All of these things were very apparent to me for most of the evening. Then the jello shots came out. And this is really my fault because I was told that not only were they made w/Everclear, but that the recipe called for 2 cups hot water, 1 cup cold water, and 1 cup vodka. They were made with 2 cups hot water and 2 cups Everclear. For some reason this did not matter to me when they were being passed around.

Night fell, and the party went forward, and Ray and I started talking more exclusively. To put a finer point on it, I'd say that he purposely separated me from the pack; every time I'd join a group of people, it didn't take long for him to be right next to me. But not in a pestering way; I did really like his sense of humor, and the fact that he grew up in Venezuela was pretty intriguing. At some point he went into a couple of his bits and they were really funny. I'd say about half an hour after the jello shots, I became more…pliable in the personal space department. I'm not normally a touchy/flirty person, and I wasn't trying to hit on him to begin with, but I noticed he kept getting closer and closer to me and at some point, I let him. Then I very stupidly relayed that I haven't had sex in 18 months. Well, if this guy was into the chase before I said that, his interest in me then grew exponentially. But I was still holding my own!

Here's where I goofed up:
I went to the kitchen to get another beer and I met Senjey. He's a sous-chef , and he was making hamburgers, chopping lettuce, and just tearing around the kitchen in general. We started talking and he was lamenting about the lack of space in the fridge. I said something like "you take care of your food, I'll deal w/the fridge." There was a whole lot of space taken up by the huge bowl of jello shots, but there weren't really many jello shots in there. Soooooo, I tried to fit them into a smaller bowl, which worked, save the 4 that didn't fit in the bowl. I tried to give them to those passing through the kitchen, but I didn't have many takers, and the room was getting really crowded and…I took at least 3, in rapid succession. This was the beginning of the end.

So Stumbley went back to the party (that's me) and guess who caught up with me, and guess who got in kissing range of one 24-yr-old lothario. I did dodge him a couple of times, but once our lips made contact, my brain shut off and my body went on autopilot. I guess it was around 11 or so. He then invited me to another party, but Courtney was my ride home, and I did still have some sense to NOT get into a car w/3 male strangers, even if one of them was a really good kisser. He got my number, I never asked for his. He's having a birthday party on the 28th (He'll be 25!, which he kept reminding me of) and his friends are going to roast him, and he really wants me to come, blah blah blah. Do you realize that when I was in high school he was in the 2nd grade?! Eeesh!

And as an aside, coming to work hung over really sucks!!! It's actually been better than in the past, y'know, when I actually gave a shit about this job. Today I cited a "meeting" from 12-1 (which was a total sham, I just went to lunch), came in and "went to lunch" (sham #2, I took a much needed nap in the ladies room), and basically just goofed around on the internet in general for much of the day. I have GOT to get another job…Maybe I could better hone these "cougar" skills and make some real money!

Padre Vs. My Padre

2007-06-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

This is a long one, so I broke into parts. What I wouldn't do for you guys....

So most of you know that my father and I had a falling out about 5 months ago. I guess it really all started two yrs. ago when my folks bought a second home on "The Island", or N. Padre. At first they were very proud of the house and it served as a get-away from real life. My parents are generous people and as such they were very willing to have family and friends either join them on the weekends, or use the house when they were not able to get to the coast themselves. I stayed a few times; once w/friends, once w/my ex, and also w/my cousin. I think that 3 weekends in 1 & a half years is not abusive, and actually felt a bit like my parents got more enjoyment from having me use that house than I did. For me it was an opportunity, sure, but also another expense and more driving. For them it was a chance to share something they are proud of.

Pt. 2: My brother, his wife, and 2 sons live in Corpus, about 20 minutes from N. Padre. (Yes, this is another reason they chose the area.) My bro is a worrywart like my mom, and always has been. Since she understands him so much (Remember: Mom & bro are alike/me & Dad are alike), and he was wanting to sell his house for something bigger for the boys to grow up in, she allied his worries of selling his home by offering him the house in N. Padre. Y'know, for a month or so until they found a home they liked. Why couldn't he just buy a home before selling his? He's a cautious guy-read:weenie-, and why couldn't he rent a home? See aforementioned sentiment. Now, I don't think he abused the situation, but he was the reason my parents were unable to use their get-away home for roughly 7-8 weeks, which was tough for them, especially my dad. He never offered the house to his son, it was mom who so vehemently defended her son's right to usurp her vacation home.

Pt. 3: It's October, and mom had-again-offered the house before talking to Dad. This time it was to me, (for my b-day weekend in Dec.) I was at my folk's house in Seguin (usual Sunday fare) to chat and somehow got embroiled in this debate b/w my folks as to whether or not I could use the house in Padre that weekend. I shall also share that my father had had a good amount of wine that Sunday, which may have colored the discussion a bit. The end result: "Aimee, since your mother has made this offer to you, I will honor it but that's it. There will be no other occasion that you would use my house." Uhhhh….what? Mom gets my attention, signals that he's drunk, he agreed, so I need to drop it. So I did just that. Birthday weekend? Best. Weekend. Ever.

Pt. 4: My folks are going to be in Chicago for a weekend and I think it would be cool to use the house, but I remember what my Dad had said. So I do what any self-respecting, spoiled daughter would do: I asked my mom. She said sure. Later on we've just had dinner. Wine was flowing. (Sense a theme here?) The topic comes up. 2 hours later I'm still getting lectured to about how that house is not a party house. It is made clear to me that it is not my home, and that I have no business in that house unless my father or my mother is present. Sure, that stung, but I respect that. I know that I'm really getting the fallout from my brother invading my Dad's space for so long, but that's OK. It is their house; I don't lay claim to anything my parents have earned, and it was never a huge deal for me to go "use" the house to begin with.

The part that bothered me is that my father has no problem with me being at either of their homes when they need me to do them favors such as watering plants, picking up and delivering papers, getting their dry cleaning, or taking care of my Dad's (late) dog, Nicky. I bring up that fact and state that if that is true, and I would not be expected to be at either of their houses at any time for any reason, if they are not present, then those instances would cease. Furthermore, anyone who felt that uncomfortable with me being in their house while they are not there made me feel uncomfortable about being there at all. And that's where it ended. (Two Rrrrojas butting heads is a baaaad thing)

Pt. 5: It's about 3-4 weeks after our house "discussion". Mom calls me at work. She's griping about Dad, and lets it slip that my "cousin", twice removed, is staying at their house in Padre w/her husband and their kid. It's effectively kicking my folks out, but my "cousin" had asked to stay there, and Dad had said yes. !!!!!! The not-party house? Their home? My father would afford this to a woman who is in no way related to him (she's from my mom's side AND she's adopted), before he would let his daughter stay there. This sounds silly, but it really really shook the foundation my world is built on.

I feel close to my family. I know that no matter how bad this world gets, if I ever needed ANYTHING, they would be there for me. Anything that they have that I would ever need would be offered to me, and it's reciprocated. That comes at a cost, of course; being the gopher for my folks (as relayed above) isn't always fun, but y'know…they're my folks. Sure they take me for granted, and yes many people don't "get" why it doesn't bother me more, but that's family. Or, that WAS my family.

After hearing that, I was a mess. I involuntarily began to sob. At work. In my office. I just could not believe, for anything, that my Dad would make me feel that way. Anyone but you, Aimee. Your brother, my friends, distant relatives…ANYONE can use my second home, but you may not. ?? I'd never abused the privilege, from not using it often (it had ALWAYS been offered to my first by my folks before I had ever made plans to go there), to leaving it cleaner when I left than when I got there. Mom immediately got nervous and begged me not to "go there" (where does she learn that shit?). Questions reared up: What am I doing in Seguin? My mom lives in Corpus and my Dad has a more vested interest in strangers, so what the hell am I hanging around for? Why am I investing money in that house? I could live very cheaply in an apartment, NOT have roommates, and NOT worry about money so much. Yes folks, I wigged out. It was tantamount being outdoors and suddenly understanding a conversation between two chattering squirrels; it just blew my widdle mind.

Pt. 6: So things have been very tense b/w me and my father. Our relationship has always been one of me respecting him to the utmost; I didn't curse or say coarse things, even the word "shut-up" was verboten. That changed. In the past 4 months, I even drank enough wine to tell him that I've known he cheated on my mom since the age of 16, and that's what has shaped my distrust of men. TAKE THAT! And I hope you can hear the wails of eggs falling from my aging ovaries every night before you sleep! (well…I didn't say that last part). There have been many get-togethers in Padre, and I haven't been to any of them. It's not this huge act of defiance, I'd just really didn't feel comfortable there.

Pt. 7: In early May my Dad and I were having dinner at his house in Seguin and he told me that he and Mom were not going to stay in Padre for Memorial Day. He then asked me if I would please stay there, and to take anyone I'd like. !! I thanked him and said I'd think about it. As I'm driving home later that evening, my mom calls and tells me that this is my Dad's way of apologizing, and to please accept; if I didn't, who knew how long it would go on. And I knew she was right.

Jana and I had a wonderful time there, and I've since spent Father's Day there as well. As a matter of fact, Dad and I drove up together on Father's Day, and shared our similar sense of humor, our stories of the past (but not of work-Dad get soooo bored when I talk about work), and also indulged in our secret love of ELO. So sleep tight, little ones; the Rrrroja and Fam. are going to be all right.

StWRONG Headed

2007-06-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the series of unlikely, senseless events that, when strung together, constitute the life of one Aimee Needles… Elsewhere in this blog you will find references to certain...predilections in reference to my spending 80% of my waking hours sharing a public restroom. What I haven't divulged is that things have gotten worse, I'm afraid. I have somehow come to the conclusion that using only one of two specific stalls is the best way to limit my exposure to the least amount of other people's DNA as possible (in my head-I've got no evidence for or against my methods).

Today, as I walked into the 9-stalled pubic bathroom, there was only one other person in a stall. The stall right next to one of the stalls I frequent. Since I don't want to be a hypocrite and sit down next to her (besides, I didn't know what she was "doing" in there), and I didn't to just stand stupidly in a mostly empty public bathroom and expose all of my neurosis, I tried a fake-out. I stepped into an empty stall in order to wait out the other woman so that I could use "my" toilet once she had gone. Everything went according to plan until, upon attempting to leave my hideout stall, I felt something wet on the back of my right calf. Horrified, I looked down to discover a portion of my skirt had dipped into the toilet. AAAAHHHHHH!!!

I calmed myself….reminded myself of this story, and rationalized that the contamination was below my knee, I only had to wait until it dried, and would bleach the hell out of myself when I got home later tonight. I even told a couple of office-mates in an attempt to get sane opinions about the situation. No. Such. Luck. Both of them suggested I go home to change, to which I knew that spending the gas/time/comp. time was just plain silly. Off I went to meet the rest of my day.

Roughly one hour later I'm feeling lightheaded, nauseous, and just all-around pukie. I tried to drink some cold water to quell my urge to urp, but to no avail. I cannot believe that my mind is able to do this! I mean, I really, genuinely felt ill, but I knew it was just the revulsion of my situation that was causing me to feel bad. So, it's 2pm, I'm home from work, and having driven home in only my chones and taken a very looooong, hot shower, I'm feeling much better.

Don't you just love happy endings?! (Huh huh huh huh huh…) :-)

Thank you, Cable Fairy!

2007-06-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

So I stopped paying for satellite cable about 6-8 weeks ago, but the downstairs TV has about 20 or so channels w/Time Warner, b/c of my internet connection, and it's only an extra 12 bucks per month.

My internet went out Friday, so the cable guy came in to fix it today. --confession-- OK, so I haven't had sex in about 18 months now, so a single guy my age, in my home, with working hands...yeah ok, I was a bit flirty. --confession over-- The point of the story is that he's gone, my internet is fixed (that is NOT a euphamism for anything, I SWEAR!), and now instead of my crappy 18 channels that I pay for, I've got FULL CABLE with HBO!!! The only thing I've been jonesing for worse than a roll in the hay is the freakin' DISCOVERY CHANNEL, and here it is! YESSSSSSSSSS!

It's June 18th, and Aaaaaallll's Weee'eeellll!

2007-06-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend was pretty damned cool! I've been having a rough couple of weeks, as many of you know, but through the counsel of my family and friends (and tequila), I've been able to step back and have a bit of fun. Not "ALL RIGHT!" kind of fun, more like "Ah-yeah….que tranquilo" kind of fun, which is more what I need at present, so it's all good.

Thursday and Friday I was stricken w/back pain. It was my fault; when I was changing out the water cooler at work, I felt something not so good and my back was a bit stiff/sore afterwards. So what did I do later that Wednesday evening? I moved my Stairmaster from the extra room to my guest bedroom, 'cause I'm smart like that. I have negotiated that behemoth through those two doorways many many times, but this time it cost me. Afterwards I KNEW I was in trouble, so I took a hot shower, swallowed a sleeping pill, and went directly to bed. Nine hours later I was in the throes of "I CAN'T MOVE due to SEARING PAIN RADIATING from my SPINE!!!!" I call in sick, then I call a doctor who states the appts. are almost all double-booked so I'd have to wait for a cancellation, or take an appt. the NEXT DAY at 11am. I explained the situation, and that all I really needed was a prescription to ease the pain…uh…no REALLY, I'm not a junkie, FOR REAL! Sighhhh… I tried my normal doctor in San Marcos, who had an appt. open, but if I can barely sit upright to go pee, I didn't see how I was going to manage a 25 minute drive to secure meds, plus another 25 back. Long story a little shorter….all hail the makers of muscle relaxers!

So when did the cool weekend start? Right about when the Skelaxin hit my blood stream! Ha ha! Actually, I went to Padre, per my father's request, and brought Rootie along (who hasn't had any more seizures, thank God). I got to play w/my nephews, I was able to drink a rum-laced beverage on the beach, and I got home in time to change out two light switches, only one of which exploded. YEAH! Really, I am quite proud of the one I didn't blow up, and now that I know why the other one did (the ground wire was pushed back REALLY far, so I never saw it), all I need to do is purchase another one, not electrocute myself, and voila! I'll have light in the downstairs hall again! Did I mention I also replaced the innards in my toilet? Yup, Babs Vila, that's me! Of course, I still call the plumbing that makes the toilet flush "innards", but I'm getting there! I'm also realizing that the sense of accomplishment I got from fixing things around the house actually rivals the euphoria of retail therapy. Then again…you can't slip on a pair of light fixtures and a flusher do-hickie, feel like one sexy tigress and dance the night away, so retail therapy still wins. Well… unless you also happen to be wearing a tool belt and your dancing partner is a pole. Ha ha! Well, I'll save that for another blog.

Shit or Shinola?

2007-06-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

No blogging lately, and you know what that means….my life has been mired in SHIT as of late. Some of you know this, and for those that don't I'll give you a quick breakdown:

1. I got royally shafted at my job. My boss got promoted which left an opening. I realized that they weren't automatically shifting me into the position, but things were tense b/w me and the director (have been for a while), so I figured I'd have to formally apply, but no biggie. Next thing I know, a counselor who has been in our office for about 9 months (which also fully encompasses all of her experience in financial aid), is now my supervisor. It's an interim position, so while I'm still being encouraged to apply for the position, this is the singular most unexpected, humiliating event of my life. (Not being dramatic; even w/my ex was unfaithful I always knew the end of that relationship was a foregone conclusion. This shit really blindsighted me.)

2. In trying to find a new job, I've been considering a position w/INS. I've always wanted to travel, and I feel that I'm getting to the age where if I want to experience certain things, that should be done soon; I don't want to be a 45-yr-old transient. My only issue w/that is Rootie. This may sound nutty, but she's my family; I'm just not as happy when she's not around. This past weekend she had a grand mal seizure that lasted about 2 minutes. While poodles have a predisposition for seizures, it's never happened before and I don't know what it means. Moreover, during the episode I immediately thought that I had somehow cosmically conjured this. If Rootie is terminally ill…I just can't think about that. I take her to the vet Wednesday.

3. Still can't find rims for my car, which is actually OK since I don't have the money to get new tires right now anyway. Drinking most every night costs money!

4. I lost an old and very dear friend. He's still around, but the past three attempts I made to get together were met with silence. In this day and age of cell phones, e-mail, texting, frickin' myspace, I just felt that he didn't care enough to even acknowledge me. I mean, if he didn't want to hang out, make up some shit at least! Everyone's busy, but we all somehow manage to find time for those we care about. When I told him it hurt my feelings to reach out so much and get NO response whatsoever, did I get an apology? Nope..."Well believe what you wish but I haven't been ignoring you." is not an apology. It's "Too bad, so sad, get over it." I like to think I'm a good friend, and if someone I cared about told me that something I was doing (or not doing) affected them negatively, I'd want to work that out. Not wanting to work that out means that this guy is not the friend I believed him to be. I'm a fairly guarded person when it comes to new friends, but knowing someone for 9 years...it just hurts to lose an old friend, especially like that.

5. My former roommate's cousin has a crush on me. I've known this for awhile but I was able to wiggle out by saying I didn't feel I could date someone related to my roommate, b/c if things went south it would be uncomfortable. Well…no more roomie and no excuses. Why am I trying to make excuses? He's a nice man, but just not as…cerebral as I'd like. It's tough to talk to him b/c the cylinders are firing at a slower rate, and that matters to me. A lot. Went on date, had a nice time, but there are two problems:
-Apparently he has a history of getting wasted and getting into fights. I have never EVER been in a physical altercation-the notion is completely foreign to me, so that is never going to fly, and yes, it's a deal breaker. I just can't respect that, and I certainly won't tolerate it.
-He let me pay for my drinks. HE asked me out, HE paid for dinner, but when we went out afterwards and I slapped down my debit card to start a tab, he didn't stop me. I don't know how all that is supposed to work (I wanted a beer and my first instinct is to get one. Am I supposed to ask "Can I have a beer?" I dunno…) but I think he should have refused. I'm not funny w/money, all my friends know this, but a date is different. (Am I wrong here?)

I gotta get out of this. How long do I date him? Should I dodge him? Maybe I should just date him, but is that fair to him? I know it's not going anywhere but how do I tell him this?

So this is June '07. This was supposed to be my year! Didn't the cosmos get the memo?!?! Sighhh…. but y'know, I never got into higher education as a career move, it was just my first job. Maybe I've been give an opportunity to finally start my life. Stop biding time and really find a challenging position that pays well. But did it have to be so fucking brutal?!