V-day 2010

Wrinkled clothes in most every room in the house, with more laundry to attend to. Latest sewing project turned my fingertips into a pincushion. Spent 1 hour washing dishes last night before my weekend job had me up at 4:30am on a Sunday morning. Came home to pink batter splattered over the clean dishes left to dry on the counter. And living room table covered in roses, candles, framed pictures, and heart-shaped cake not quite cooled enough to be iced greeting me as I arrived home from the hour commute from said weekend job. He gave me a diamond ring. Smallest piece of jewelry I've ever received. And today I've experienced more happiness than I have ever dared want for myself. Also have more to lose than I ever dreamed of. I need to believe I deserve this love. I need to believe I am good enough. And thank God that I found him.

Durty Sturdy

I think I've mentioned my proclivities for feeling shamed at the grocery store before, namely when I'm buying cucumbers b/c I think people will believe I'm going through these issues, but today I can safely say that I just bested myself. For completely innocent reasons my grocery cart bore the following on my receipt:

• 2 cans shaving cream (one for male, one for female)
• Ms. Butterworth's syrup
• vaseline
• ear plugs
• seam ripper
• Drano
• 20 pack of beer

Good thing I forgot the butter and nipple clamps. ;-)

For Keeps or Forget It

Catching up on this. Not sure for how long. I'm cleaning out my Draftbox and so behold: Ramblings from 9/9/09-

He's here. Joe's plane arrived in Texas in late July, along with his car, video games, and matchbox car collection. And the ride has begun. And what a ride it's been. I'm slowly breaking away from theories I've long-held to be true. Namely that the first couple of years of a relationship are the best, and if it's hard to get along, then it's not meant to be. Maybe I'm saying this next part to fool myself, but sometimes it feels good to not gloss over the things we both need. To dig your heels in and say "This is how I think and what I need." And to really listen to your partner when they say it to you. I mean, as long as it's within my scope of ability and vice versa. I sometimes joke (b/c I think I once read this somewhere) that a good compromise leaves both parties unhappy, and sometimes I'm finding that to be true.

But what I'm learning the most is how inflexible and demanding I am. It's hard for me to admit, but I'm like my Papo. This means nothing to you, the reader, but my grandfather was an explosive tyrant who had to have things done his way or no way at all. And my grandma took it. With 4 kids and a second-grade education, she had to, but I saw the ill effects that had on her and the rest of the family. And I've always told myself that a bulk of the reason why I was so uninterested in marriage/long term relationship was b/c I never really saw a happy one. I didn't realize how deeply it has affected my actions, though. For example- I need to have at least 5 dryer sheets for each load. I don't like to use cheap liquid detergent- correction- I WON'T use it, and if I make a mild concession to do so, I will resent it. I joke about having a bad temper.

Being unwieldy. My way or the highway, and if you don't like it then you can move on the down the road. But then what? There's nothing to gain there. The moment of elation caused by the feeling of total independance and self righteousness is fleeting. The cycle falls to anger and keeps my sadness at bay, but that melts too and I'm left with the blank space I fill with food, books, booze, movies, and other distractions. Living your life in that manner is not a terrible thing, and I believe that all of us need to have that experience. To be on the hunt for that thing you want, and able to discard when you feel you don't need it at the time (Hey man, you're great and all but the way you didn't laugh at that Woody Allen movie and then made that racist joke? Ya done, son!) . But I don't want to hunt forever. I'm tired of chewing people up and spitting them out. While I don't want to acquiesce, and have tried to pin my hopes on finding someone that will fit me like a glove; no concessions to make that will only serve to make me feel guilty and selfish later on. No words to soften for fear of cutting my partner to the quick. No apologies for my actions of inaction. But is that possible? Is that why everyone gets divorced? B/c Disney shills this fairy tale expectation, and in reality coupling up is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. Or maybe it's just me.

Would You Settle for Catsup?

Post begun on 2/26/09 and touched up on 1/16/10. Nice to see my life has roughly the same pace as a soap opera. :-)

Back again to rummage through the question: What could a 33-yr-old and a 20 yr-old POSSIBLY have in common. And there we shall begin: I have always been a chicken-shit when it comes to men. Didn't want to get duped and hurt and/or end up pregnant and broke. And since 98% of romantic relationships I was exposed to while coming of age was negative, I've spent most of my life secretly pining for some hero to take me far away from myself so that I could fall in love, while outwardly eschewing all things romantic. Which is how I ended up with my first bf at the age of 25, and my second bf at the age of 33. (What? It takes at least 3 years to get over a 4 and half year relationship, doesn't it?!) But here are the main reasons why I think the age thing isn't a dealbreaker for me and my honey:

My dating experience is about on par with a sophomore in college. My ex is like the equivalent of your first love who you dated all throughout high school, but you just knew that as soon as you got out of that little shitfinklestein town you were going to ditch that dead weight, spread your wings and FLY! So dating someone who also has limited dating experience levels out that playing field.
He's not jaded. All the guys my age have this "I've been hurt before so you're not getting to much of me to dick with." kind of mentality. And I hate that. The tug of war b/w two people, each not willing or wanting to get too attached lest they play "the fool". I have the kind of heart that, for the most part, can take that leap and commit to loving someone. Who desperately wants to nurture and learn about another individual so that I can take care of their needs. I like that. Which is why I'm such a mean bitch at the forefront; I can fall, and I fall hard. And he's the same. (Uh..except he wasn't a tool at the forefront, I just mean that he's open to commitment.)

He's effin' smart! He is fascinated with physics, and technology, and mechanics. Shit I know little about, but can listen to for hours and hours. And I like the way he looks at the world. Since he grew up more or less an introverted , (yes, I'll drop the "n-word"), nerd, he's a deep thinker, and can describe things to me in such a way that it holds fascination for me to note how differently we look at the world. But I get it, and I respect his view. Also, he's studying to be a mechanical engineer, so yes- he's a catch.
He wants kids w/in the next 5-7 years! He doesn't already have them! WOW, how novel!
There's nothing wrong with coming home and having someone to be there to ask you about your day, and share with you how they are and who they are. That's been nice, and whenever I get very down at the prospect of this ever actually really happening for us (one in a million shot, I know), I think to myself: "You have a good guy to talk to. It lifts your spirits to have this person in your life (for the most part), it gives you incentive to want to improve yourself mentally and physically, and you're finding out so much shit about what a nutty, distrustful girlfriend you are. And instead of leaving your ass, he is willing to work through it with you!" So although a part of me is screaming "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You're 33 and you're wasting time on some kid from Ohio?" I remind myself that I'd need to drop at least two sizes to even put myself out there as dateable, so it's not like I'm missing out, and I'm finding out enough about myself to make this worthwhile.

NOW, having stuffed unicorns and sunshine all up your ass, let's get the reality of dating a man in his early 20's. Sometimes I'd swear his feelings are made of glass (actually, more like the fake glass you see in movies ), and I feel sooo horrible when I forget that and say stupid shit, which I am wont to do. It's just that, there are certain things that a man in his early 30's knows about himself as irrefutable truths; you know if you're the type of person that is going to stay and fight for the seven cents you were overcharged at the store, then you may wear the label "cheap" as a badge of honor. But woe is the day you utter the following to someone who is not quite so self-enlightened: "I don't care if you THINK you're not cheap, that $3.00 tip on a meal for two is freakin' CHEAP!". I agree, not a nice thing to say but the whole defensive thing just puts me right out! The road leading up to me saying the afore-mentioned phrase was paved with all KINDS of bs that I just couldn't take anymore. And while to many couples who have passed through their early 20's will think that those kinds of disagreements are just par for course, I'll say that a jab like that to a 21-year-old man is much more cumbersome to get to the other side of. I suspect that I'd be doing less consoling about inadequate feelings of self worth, and other things you concern yourself with when you're still developing your sense of self, if I were dating a man closer to my age.

Oh, and I forgot to mention all the steamy, fervent hot sex, right? WRONG! 1. When he came to visit for the first time, things were...awkward. Now he's been in Texas for about 6 months and things can sometimes still be....awkward. Remember that whole "Introverted nerd" thing that was so fascinating in conversation? Turns out those guys don't get a lot of tail and routinely turn to the internet to learn about the ways of doing the sexytimes. And as some of us know, there are many, many, many, many, MANY different ways people like to get off. Personally, I like kissing. I like most all of the stuff you can see on any good rated 'R' chickflick or Skinemax. And though I have a few kinks-oh whatevs internets, you do too!- I would say that I am by and large a fairly vanilla girl. You want a spanking? Yes I can. You want to come on my where? Yes, that's ok. "But honey, someone could come around the corner and catch us!" All the better! But I know you'll never find me anywhere near 2Girls1Cup territory. While I've only ever had one longterm partner, so I'm just as maleable as anyone when it comes to most things, I do know what I like. Helping someone find out what they like is a tough job. There are failures. Finding yourself comforting the person you love who has begun to sob uncontrollably while in handcuffs is NOT a fun place for me to be. (Is it part of the act? What do I do now?) And some fantasies are just that- thoughts that could never exist in real life. If Laura Croft's animated proportions were somehow duplicated in the real world, physics would demand either a spine replacement every 3 months, or this bitch would be laid up, eating frosting out of the jar and showing up on Jerry Springer via satellite. Similarly, showering together where one person is always freezing cold, or worse yet, I swear to God I now know what people who have been waterboarded go through. I've given away too much all ready so let's just say kneeling in the shower while looking up is just fucking stupid. And so it goes.

The obvious one, that I've already touched on here but sometimes feels as though this fear in me is growing, is that I'm preparing someone for a journey where I cannot go. Like I'm his support to try all kinds of new experiences (new job, new university, vacations and romance), but at the end of it all he's going to surpass me and realize that while I was great for what he needed as a young man, he'll want something different later on. Or what happens when a 26-year-old Joe looks at me and says "I want to do what I want to do, not what's good for us." I felt that way most all of my life and so I couldn't make THAT big a case for not letting him go. Truth is, what stops ANY man who has been in a relationship for many years from doing that? While I recognize that I'm stretching the odds, I just cannot turn away from one of the best gifts God has ever given me: A good man who loves me. And in the absurdly optimistic words of Vivian Ward: "But I'm here now!"

Catch Up, Baby Tomato, Catch UP!

Last time I tried to post I spent half an hour baring all sorts of neurosis and laying them out in such a way that it perfectly encapsulated many of the items I need to work through in order to achieve more in my life. It was difficult to face, but I was proud of my ability to identify and narrate these seemingly innocuous things I'd tucked away into the recesses of my mind which were causing me to make bad decisions. And THEN I held the backspace key down too long and the entire thing was gone. Poof! I was in shock. Then sad. Then livid. Then sad again. Then infuriated. And finally, I was beaten. And so, I haven't been here much. But there have been a few things going on that should be written down, if only to serve as a means for me to take a step back and figure out the answer to the eternally burning question: "Just what the fuck am I DOING here, anyway?" And thus it shall begin. And hopefully it won't get all pathetic and Lilith-fair (not JUDGING, just saying....) which is how all the posts seemed to get towards the end there last time I tried to keep up with blogging.

Where to begin.... "I was born. I grew UP-pah" (What movie is that from!?) :-) Nahhh, just that I did end up moving back to my tiny hometown b/c I couldn't rent out the house before the former tenants' lease ended. And now I'm thinking I should have just gotten behind on all that mortgage shit, but how was I to know that a helping hand was just around the corner? I saved and sacrificed, am current w/my house payments and so as a reward I get NADA. What about the break for people who didn't overextend themselves and kept their shit together, huh? Sighhh...just like kindergarten, the unseen little girl w/the home haircut. No reason to pay any attention to her at all. But seriously, I did vote for Obama, I am sticking by that decision, and I just pray that the laws being made are going to help the US get back in black, and once again be a place I can be proud to call my country. (Electing the first black president was definitely a step in the right direction.)

So being back in Seguin has been...well, it's been Seguin. On the one hand I LOVE having my own space, my own yard, my privacy and solace. On the other hand, keeping up w/the care of a house can be stressful especially the 3am anxiety attacks. "Is the AC making that noise? OMG, it's broken, I just KNOW it! I'm going to have to go sell my ass every weekend to get a new A.C." Or my new favorite "Was that crack always there? OMG, the foundation is fucked! I have bought a lemon of a house that will one day cave in all around me." As an aside, I can only hope I will be asleep in it at the time because I cannot bear the thought of coming up with money to repair it. Truth be told, I still woke up to 3am-thoughts in my apt, but those were usually along the lines of "Shut the fuck up you drunken slut! I have to work tomorrow and don't give a fuck WHO he got a text from, stop yelling in the parking lot and just pass the fuck OUT already!". But for my money, home ownership is the way to go.

I'm still at my job, and the IRS gig has started again. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and I'm trying-again-to give up fast food for Lent. Such a weakness I have for it too. Whereas you'd think that most people would prefer home cooking to fast food. When I have someone to cook for, it's not such a big deal, but being alone just makes cooking seem so pointless. You make a meal, you have leftovers, they rot in your fridge and you've just wasted money, time, food, and energy. Yes, the ENERGY it takes to put all those items on list o' things to procrastinate, then feel guilty about. Some examples? Yes, let's!

Must clean kitchen: Yes, but my fave show just came on and I'm saving $ on not paying for DVR service, so I really HAVE to watch it now. *show over, guilt commences*

Must wash dishes: But this mail is just piling up, ooooh is that the new Signals catalog?! I'm going to circle all the things I would buy if I weren't being so responsible with my money. That will stave off the need for me to buy other things, so really I'm helping myself by indulging in the fantasy of buying and not actually doing it. *Places marked up catalog on side of bed along with all other mail mess. Sees it's time for bed, and depression over messy room takes over.*

Must clean refrigerator: I desperately need to start reading again. I am so out of touch w/anything remotely outside of the scope of "How will this effect me." Ah-ha, my cousin gave me this book ages ago, it really is rude of me to keep it so I must begin this post-haste! *Time for bed. Suddenly sees three other books started and not finished. Feelings of being flaky and unaccomplished ensue.*

Suddenly Taco Cabana is starting to sound like a Godsend. And yeah, well, there's all that but it really just boils down to my food addiction. What?! Did I just read that? An admission from Ms. sweep-under-rug-n-smile? Uh-huh. That's a new thing that happened this year too. And it's a good, positive, meaningful realization that will help me get closer to my goal of "getting my shit together" in general. (GMST = out of debt, fulfilling job, someone to share my life with, and not having to shop at Layne Bryant.) But it's really made me assess where it all came from. How this addiction got hard-wired into my psyche, and how to untangle the mess now. (Or re-imaging my mainframe, to continue with the lame-oh, probably incorrectly stated computer analogy.) And oh what a fun time THAT has been! And continues to be!

I've started smoking again. (Oral fixation much?) I've completely stopped cleaning my house (Must ignore SOMETHING if I'm not ignoring my eating issues), and have I ever been spend, spend, SPENDING money I really should be throwing towards my debt. (If I can't placate my emotions with food then I must do so by purchasing DVDs I have no time to watch, and cell phones made with corporate executives in mind.) And so I trudge forward, taking each day as a tiny battle to be won. Or, more often lately, to be lost. But I'm still in this war, dammit! Ha ha! Perhaps one day you will see me on a Discovery Health special being cut from my home and wheeled out on a flatbed semi, a white flag clenched in my doughy fist as my tiny head peeps out from atop my massive body, but that day is not today!

And boys. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be mature enough to date men now, huh? I think dating "guys" sometime in the 90's passed me by. And, I've had my forays into web dating. I've done Match.com. (Met a funny guy who prefers thin "dancing atop tables and flirting with your friends" women to chunky "conversing is awesome and I'd always put you first" women. (To each his/her own). And I've been on E-Harmony, which was fine except for the seriousness of it all. I want to find "the guy"; I'm not fooling around here, but must this be akin to a nun-ordination ceremony? Can we not take a little ribbing and not think "this woman has issues and needs to tear down me down." Uh, no man, I just REALLY think that socks with sandals is freakin' hilarious. Everyone does, I'm just blunt enough to call you on it- that's all. After 5 conversations, can our e-relationship not stand a tiny bit of teasing? But a co-worker's daughter found a free social website and thought of me, which was a really sweet gesture. And that's how I came to be in a relationship with a man 1,330 miles away, and 13 years my junior. 'Cause I just make good decisions like that, ya'll!

In my defense, not that I have to defend my self to you, interwebs, just that this blog is an exercise in getting all the shit that flits and swirls around my head into one concise block o' crap and this, dear interwebs, is just a part of that process. And yet I think I may defer the gory details for another day. Rest assured we will cover it all. From the sweet nothings and roses all the way to the requests for leather restraints and feathers. Join me next time, won't you?

No-Hi-Oh

Guess who's back? It's heartbroken Aimee! After another Christmas whirlwind, I have found myself, once again, mewed up about some guy that just didn't want me. And what I have to do now is figure out how I, once again, fucked that whole situation up. I will admit that this guy was pretty young, and the very notion of us being together was a longshot, but honestly- I really thought this was it. I felt like I'd found him. Not perfect, not in a perfect situation (b/c I'm not looking for perfection) but I met someone I could tell anything and everything to. But after having met me, he decided he didn't want me. UGH! So you can't keep telling yourself that it's other people and that you just haven't met the "right one". Either you're a piece of shit girlfriend with more b.s. to offer than support, or you've got to tell yourself that your elimination processes are so far out of whack that you're just beating your own head against the rocks for nothing. -What? The ex-con with two kids and no job didn't work out? How did that happen?- Not really, buy pretty effin' close. Currently my main goal is staying drunk off wine for the next 4 weeks until this shit blows over. Until then, mon amies!

Take-out I Craved Most During Lent

So I gave up take-out/fast food during Lent. My whole rule was that if someone did not specifically ask me out, I would go home and make food. Which wasn’t even that bad, I mean, I ended up eating at Chilis, Carinos, Mexican joints, and even eating Tai food at some point during the month of March, so it wasn’t all Ramen and boloney. But some days, especially after work, when the LAST thing I wanted to do was go home and make food for dinner AND lunch the next day. Here’s what I missed most:
-P I Z Z A! (‘specially Gattis)
- Chinese takeout (it's perfect b/c you always have enough to fill you up, then take leftovers for lunch the next day; two birds w/one stone!)
- Burgers (and no fries either!)

Secrets

I visit Postsecret.com every Sunday. I love the concept, and only wish I was artistic enough to create my own. Some of those I've conceptualized, but never sent:
1. When I was younger I'd pretend I was on "The Real World" and would "soliliquize" my life. (I remember the first season in NY!)
2. I wish I did not care so much.
3. I would never make my child feel as unimportant as my parents made me feel.

I've seen many of the secrets, and many have touched my heart in a deep and personal way. I think that we go through life in a series of stages; things that once were so very important are not so important to me now. Today, this is my secret.

Things I’d Do in a Month if Money & Time Were No Object

All the items listed above
Visit Gitte in Germany for a week
Travel to Ireland for 7 days
Travel to Spain for 5 days
Visit all friends to spread the wealth

Things I Regret

Not Trusting the Love of:
-C
-E
-J
-E
-S

Not hitting on Clint Decker and Carlos Garza in college

Trusting Carl D.

Not taking enough risks (parents/career)

Not trying harder

Things I'd Do in a Day If Time & Money Were of No Consequence

Wake up early for my:
-Facial
-Manicure
-Pedicure
-Massage (upper body only)
Drive to the nearest mall and get:
-FYEye Eyesdow Base
-Benefit Cheek Tint
-Cargo Blush
Drop off my car to the Volvo Dealership to:
-Get my car tuned up
-Get three new rims (for my car!)
Meanwhile.... I'm out w/Katie (convinced her to play hookey) and we're
-B U Y I N G S H O E S!
-Lunch at the Melting Pot
-Hitting 4th St. for the Nightlife
-Catching a cab home

Whew! Would luuuuuv to live that day!

Jobs I've Held, Pt. 2

Hastings- Hired as associate and within two months promoted to manager. Worked in all sections (books, music, rentals, magazines) by the time I put in my notice. (See an “overachiever” theme here?)

Legal Secretary-Did this favor for my Dad the summer after I graduated from college, after that final stint in Vt. It lasted almost exactly one year b/c I wanted to go visit a guy I’d met at my cousin’s wedding and he didn’t want me to go so he didn’t approve my vacation time off. I quit my job and went on my vacation anyway. He says he fired me. I have been fired-once, but I was able to talk my way back in. My Dad didn’t fire me, but if it hurts him less to think of it that way, I’m OK w/it too. (Honestly, I just didn’t like dealing w/liars, which were most of his clients. I don’t have the stomach for that.

Substitute Teaching- Taught me I’m not mature enough to teach! I am not a yeller, but the 9th Grade Student Center in Seguin, Texas proved me wrong. I did find a perfect position (very rewarding) in the Life Skills class, but I just could not bring myself to clean up BM, so I had to decline. Sighhhh...

Title I Teacher- I got a pretty good handle on this one b/c I was dealing w/2nd graders who couldn’t pass TASS (now called something else), but so many of their problems had nothing to do w/learning disabilities but w/their parents' inability to put their children’s needs before their own. It was so frustrating. Plus, hanging out w/teachers is a bummer. Everyone dresses tacky, and they’re all so petty. Too much like HS for my liking.

Milieu Director: Worked at the Brown School making sure crazy kids didn’t kill each other. Wish I felt safer about them not killing us.

Temp. at Weststaff: Filed medical docs at BAMC in San Antonio for one week straight. A portion of my brain turned to mush forever during that week.

Higher Ed Staff member/real world flunkie- No comment. But I will say that I’m finally planning my next move. Wish me luck!

Art Projects That Have Gone Kaput

Beading jewelry
Watercolor
Cross-stitching
Sewing
Stenciling
Drawing

Top Fears

Something bad will happen to my nephews
I have HIV
I’ll never find happiness in a relationship, and will therefore be alone for the remainder of my days.
I'll end up old and full of regret for all the things I was too scared to try.

Jobs I've Held, Pt. 1

Candy striper: Did this for a summer or two. I had these romantic notions of tending to the sick, but in reality we wore the requisite white and red-striped uniforms while manning the gift shop. This mostly entailed restocking the chips, dusting the knick-knacks, and baking Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Though it was a volunteered position, I believe we probably ate enough of those cookies to constitute a relatively handsome sum in lost profits for the hospital.
Camp counselor:
McDonalds: My folks would not let me get a job during high school b/c they claimed school was my job. A self-confidence annihilating, non-wage earning, job. But one summer I did talk my folks into letting me work Mickey D’s where I was the cashier/drive-thru flunkie. I so resented that b/c I wanted to be a cook so that I too could melt Happy Meal toys in the SUPER microwaves during slow periods, but nooooo... I had a command of the English language and a full set of unbroken teeth, so I was a Cashier.
Food Court: I got in trouble in college and my $200 per month allowance shrank to $10.00 per week (my Dad is nothing if not strict), but the first time my ten bucks was late I suddenly realized that I could make my own money! I worked at the Underground Food Court on Southside. I was first hired as a cashier, but at the end of my time there I was the only person who could work in any and all of the shops (Taco Bueno, Whataburger, Chick-fil-a, Alonti Deli, AND the frozen yogurt/coffee stand.) Thas’ right! Mad skillz!
Taco Bell- Worked there for 3 months. Most notable for the fact that while they cook no food there, they have the most elaborate cash register set-up. Also, the drunk-asses that rolled through the drive-thru at 1am were funny, and I listened to T’Pau’s “Heart and Soul” about 1,200 times in the three months I was there.

List of Questions James Lipton Asks "Inside the Actors Studio"

What is your favorite word? Weimaraner (it's fun to say)
What is your least favorite word? compromise
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? The big city. Just all those possibilities and new experiences crammed into an area.
What turns you off? People who are arrogant. Everyone should have a healthy ego, just don’t be a tool.
What is your favorite curse word? Cocksucker! (You gotta say it like “Cock-suck-errrrrrrr”)
What sound or noise do you love? Sounds of the beach are my favorite.
What sound or noise do you hate? When those needle-dicked asshats that install glasspacks on their trucks drive by in my apt. parking lot and make all the freakin’ noise. Y’know, I like speed as much as any other red-blooded Southerner, but unless I choose to attend a NASCAR event, I really don’t want to hear that shit.
What profession, other than your own would you like to attempt? Speech Pathology. I think I'd be good at it, but I've got to get my finances in order before I can pursue it.
What profession would you not like to do? Teaching. I haven't the patience.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Welcome in Aimee! Your family and friends are just over there.
Questions I’d love to shout out at any given time: Who/What the fuck is Veronica Mars?!?!

Lays I've Turned Down

I guess I need to clarify this one. I realize that most guys, of a certain age, will basically take what they can get when they can get it. Not that all men are dogs (well…kinda….) but just that I’m not talking about all the chance meetings which could have turned into something physical. I’m listing here people who have:
1. Overtly pursued me
2. I had occasion to be in various sleeping quarters with them
3. I did not partake of their offers of carnal knowledge. (‘Cause I’m a germaphobic nancy.) :-)

Kyle, my lab partner- Nice guy, just not a guy I was interested in. I actually thought he was gay were it not for his asking me out. One evening we were studying in my dorm room; I was on the bed and he was on the floor. I glanced up to his staring at my cleavage (vantage point was in his favor). He silently lifted his hand and touched my necklace and traced up to my neck. I nervously laughed it off. (‘Cause I’m a germaphobic nancy) I never again saw him after that semester of Biology lab.

Bonie- Met this guy my first year working in VT at the F&W camps. He was probably about 6ft 5in tall, and from Africa, so he was a bit intimidating. Not only physically but culturally intimidating. I hate to admit this but I read and hear about different cultures and those things are frequently negative. There are men from certain ethnicities that I just would not date. Middle Eastern, for one, and oh yeah- MEXICO! Ha ha! I’m not trying to be the boss of anyone else, but I have to be the boss of me. Well, OK, relationships are about compromise so I’ll say I have to be the boss of 80% of me (there, is that enough leeway?!)
ANYWAY-he was also older than me so it was just all very intimidating. One night I let him take me out and we got back very late. We were about 45 minutes from camp, it was about 1am, and I didn’t want to wake anyone up, so I stayed at his apt. On his bed-he stayed on the couch. That next year he sent me fifty bucks for my b-day. Poor guy. He really was a nice man, just too much for my 19-yr-old self to deal with.

Claire A.-S’right baby, my hotness transcends gender and shit! Ha ha! This was my second year I worked at camp in Vt. and she was my co-counselor (sounds like a porno already: Camp Cunnilingus) and she admitted she did have a crush on me. Not to brag, but she was the 'belle of ball' that summer-everyone was trying to get into that woman’s shorts. There was even a summer scandal b/c one half of a very established lesbian couple tried to seduce poor Claire, they ended up kissing, Claire stopped it, and la Otra found out. That cuckolded woman cried and cried in every one of our song circles for the next 3 weeks! Anyway, Claire is bi, so she was awesome to talk to in that we both had guy probs and she wasn’t one of those granola nuts who thought the protein from menstrual blood was a viable substitute for plant food (uh…yeah, that conversation was uncomfortable, to say the least). Not sure at what point she decided she wanted to usher me into the ways of female-to-female pleasures of the flesh, but being that I was 21, never had a boyfriend, and didn’t trust men, I must have been ripe for the pickin’! Or so we thought.
The last few nights of camp were tense, ESPECIALLY after the kids left. We got a solid week and half or so, to do general clean-up once the final summer session was drawing to a close, where we were alone in a 3-sided cabin located in the middle of the wilderness, a good 4 minute walk from any other cabin, and in the darkest of darkness (for real, I’ve never experienced darkness like in the Green Mountains of Vt.) During the whole summer we had slept at opposite ends of the cabin, for the sake of safety and for the kids, but that final night Claire decided to move her bedding to the bunk right across from me. She also nabbed a small lantern, as we had already turned in the large one. I can clearly remember seeing her laid out, in her short shorts and navy blue tank top. Claire was on the swim team at Swarthmore, and her body showed it. Sleek and sinewed, her golden tanned, smooth skin was glowing in the lamplight, and I caught flickers of her green eyes as her head tilted when she spoke. We’re talking in the dark, with the night encircling the tiny waning flame of our lantern, and we reach a lull in the conversation. She looks at me, squints her eyes nervously and abruptly states: “I keep thinking of a song over and over again in my head and it just won’t stop.” Me: “What song?” Claire: (shyly singing) “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” I don’t remember what I changed the subject to, probably something stupid like “Don’t you just hate it when songs get stuck in your head?”. I wasn’t oblivious then, just scared, but I remember theorizing the following:
-You don’t have random encounters w/guys you’re probably never going to see again, why would you do that with a woman?
-Where are the butterflies? If I really wanted this, wouldn’t I have butterflies in my stomach?
And so…we never did consummate the attraction (Of course I was attracted to her, she was HOT! And smart, and sweet, and funny, and she didn’t expect anything from me except for me to be myself) We shared a few e-mails during that year, she did a summer at camp w/out me, and the next summer I did one summer w/out her, though she did visit. By that time I was with my ex, staying up until 4am talking on the phone (taking care of a dozen 12-yr-olds on no sleep just doesn’t benefit anyone), and when we got together I couldn’t get my head out of my ex’s ass long enough to have a nice time. Almost literally b/c I remember us sitting in the office (I was waiting for a call from him) and she was inviting me to go out w/her but I didn’t want to miss the call so I said no. WHAT AN IDIOT! For no other reason than it was a very immature thing to do; my ex was going to be around but for some stupid reason I ended up snubbing her. And though I have been hit on by other women since, I always tell myself “If you passed on Claire, there’s no WAY this chick would measure up.”

Clint- Met this guy in a bar in McQueeney (I really need to start lying about that) shortly after I came back to Seguin after A&M. He was a workin’ man w/workin’ man hands, and I am so a sucker for that. And he had curly blonde hair, which was very cute, and was about 4 yrs younger than I was. I’m sure this was a ruse, but at closing time he claimed his car wouldn’t start, and he lived in La Vernia or some mess, and it was a cold winter’s night (relative-probably about 30 degrees outside, but that’s cold in Texas), so he asked if he could stay at my place until he could get the situation sorted out. We were definitely tipsy, but not sloppy drunk or anything. I took a shower and got into my (very chaste and tactful) pjs before exiting the bathroom and found him passed out on my bed. I didn’t take the couch b/c:
1. I have a hard time sleeping in that living room ever since one of those huge waterbug/cockroaches once, in the middle of the night, fell off the ceiling and into my bed.
2. It’s a short couch so it’s not great for sleeping in. Napping- sure, a full night’s rest- not so much.
3. I’m not an animal! Geez, I can sleep next to someone and not have our genitalia converge.

And so I feel asleep, which was all good. While yes, I did just state that it’s not like I was a bitch in season or anything, we did end up cuddling a bit. I think that part of evolution really can’t be helped, but no kissing or fondling. What I DO remember the next morning is waking up on my back, peeking through my sleepy haze and seeing his hand very gently making its way south into my flower-patterned long johns bottoms (told you I donned chaste pjs that night!). I played it cool, feigned sleep and rolled over onto my side. His second attempt, however, led to my pretending he was just attempting to spoon thus waking me up. Shortly thereafter I drove him back to his car (he called someone to meet him there), and dropped him off. I also had to avoid that guy’s calls for a couple of weeks. What?! He was trying to GROPE ME in my sleep AFTER he had sobered up! YUCK! (Hmmm, wonder if that guy’s still available….) Ha ha!

Keith- It took me at least half a year to figure out this guy was interested in me b/c he was pretty shy. He had red hair, a red goatee, and hung out on the benches at Moore Hall during my final summer there. We went to Dudleys a couple of times, and he also came to my dorm room to watch Al Pacino’s “Looking for Richard”, which is about Shakespeare’s play “Richard III”. He watched the whole thing w/me (still think it’s a great movie) and called me a couple of times after he graduated and moved to Dallas. Why didn’t I latch onto that guy like white on rice? I dunno! I just don’t know how to turn that corner from friend to something else, and I guess he didn’t either.

Some guy my friends brought over for a party…just can’t think of his name: VERY cute, VERY smart, and taken. His gf went home to Mexico or the valley or something so he was flying solo that night. Everyone leaves the party (it was at my house) and he stays b/c we’re having such a good time sitting on the couch just talking and laughing. He asked to kiss me but I said I couldn’t b/c he had a girlfriend, and so we just kept on talking. Finally the sun came up, I walked him to his car and he said “Well, can I at least get a hug?” So we hugged (I fell really bad about this b/c I’m sure either my Papo and/or my grandma saw this, and who knows what they thought of me), but I didn’t see him much after that, maybe once or twice. I did, however, run into his gf a few of times and she was quite clear about what she thought of me. So unfair! I TOTALLY could have macked on him, but I would never do that. I guess I have to add “God-fearing” to germaphobic nancy.

Rick- Friend of an ex of Michele’s: Michele set us up b/c he was having a really hard time getting back into the game after a long term relationship. He wasn’t much to look at, but he was a nice guy. We had all gone out drinking, it must’ve been at least 2am and I’m still in S.A. My cousin and her BF had an apt. together at the time, and I’m not sure how we all split off, but Rick offered to get me a hotel for the night b/c he lived at home and he didn’t want me to think he was coming on to me. (I can vouch for that first part; we’d been to his house playing pool the weekend before and there was really no place to sleep in his house besides his bed) So we’re at La Quinta, he gets two double beds (we ended up in one), and I said I wouldn’t have intercourse and he said he wanted to give me “oral pleasures”, which in my mind is ten times more intimate than fucking, so we made out, then passed out. I heard he got back w/his ex shortly thereafter. Yup, I’m either forcing them out of the closet or into their previous failed relationship; I’m a real heartbreaker.

And so those are the lays I laid to the wayside. After I wrote this I realized all of these happened before I met my ex, and I’d hate to think that anyone would assume that I no longer say no, or even worse, that I’m no longer offered. (Ha ha! What an ego on this chick, huh?) I wouldn’t know, things are just…different now that I’m older. No more house parties, no more meeting friends in clubs, no more chillin’ in the dorm rooms, and no more camp. Nowadays it’s a date, a hug, and an internal “Thanks but no thanks” as you walk back to your car. Here’s hoping my days of polite declinations, and that one special “Oh YEAH!” are still ahead of me. (And yes, I too think it’s funny that I subconsciously turn most parting thoughts into toasts)

Pets I've Owned

Ginger: Doberman mix. She would always jump on me, and she once scratched my face up, so mom made dad get rid of her.
Pepper: Pekapoo. She was the dog I grew up with.
Noah: One-eyed poodle. He was actually my brother’s dog b/c he kept shaving a Mohawk into his fur.
Woody: He was half Yorkie, half whatever-jumped-over-the-fence, and he took after his father. He used to chew holes in his pillow and then hump the hole. I'm still fascinated by this b/c while I realize most all dogs hump (even some females), but how did he know to make a hole first?!
Spivy: For some reason my brother bought a flying squirrel and he gave it to me. I have no delusions that he specifically bought it for me, I’m sure he just noted that this “pet’s” nocturnal tendencies were more than he wanted to handle, so I took care of him. When I went away to college I asked a friend to take care of it for awhile. She had to leave it in the bathroom at night (even when you KNOW there’s a flying squirrel on the loose, waking up and seeing one whizz through the air at 2am while you’re trying to sleep is still a bit disconcerting), and somehow Spivy drowned in the toilet. She didn’t want to tell me this so I actually found out about his untimely demise about 6 months after it happened.
Odoe: Guinea Pig that Phil, the resident “old guy still in the dorms” gave to my friend April and me upon his graduation. He was plenty old and died after about 2 months. He’s buried at the corner of the volleyball court in the Keathley-Fowler-Hughes complex at A&M.
Stimpy: Beta fish. That fish lived for about 2 years, and would’ve lived longer, only he got some kind of fish “ick”. It was gross to watch, and I bought stuff to treat him, but in the end there I knew he wasn’t going to make it. I wish I could have put him out of his misery, but the only thing I could come up with was lopping off his head, and there’s no way I’ve got the stomach for that.
Maize: Little white feeder mouse I saved from certain doom. She lived about 18 months. The best part about having a mouse as a pet was that my grandma was terrified of it. (HEY, she’s always killing roaches, picking them up and waving them at me while giggling her ass off. It was time for some payback!)
Bailey: Bichon Frise puppy given to me by my Dad during my final semester in college. I thought I could keep he quiet in the dorm room (it was summer, after all), but it proved too tough a task to maintain, so I asked my aunt Sylvia to watch her for me until the summer ended. By then she was too attached and couldn’t let her go. I was a bit upset, but it was for the best. I was too young and fancy-free to really take care of a pet. Plus, Bailey never did get the hang of the whole “peeing & pooping outside” thing.
Another fish, though I cannot recall the name….
Rootie: This is my DAWG! She’s the best dog I could ever hope to have. I love her little personality, she’s obedient with a sweet disposition, and the CUTEST dog ever. If ever I were to get behind cloning, it would be b/c of this dog.

Blah Blogging

OK, let’s just get right out there and say it: this month's blogging sucks! The rest of it is hardly a masterpiece, but it does have it’s moments, whereas sharing my “to do” list at work and calling it a post is really…well, quite frankly it’s embarrassing. Here are a few lists I need to get behind:

Jobs I’ve held
Pets I’ve owned
Boys I’ve kissed (though I’ve actually already done that one and only have the one addition to make)
Lays I’ve turned down
Days I’d relive
Top Fears
Secrets I’ve Never Sent to Postsecret, but wanted to
Art projects that went kaput
Things I’d do in a day if money & time were no object
Things I’d do in a month if money & time were no object

Yes, that won’t take care of the entire month of March, but at least half of what is remaining. And does the fact that I STILL have not produced a satisfactory/even mildly entertaining list for you make me feel bad? No way! This teaser is what showmanship is all about ! Ha ha!

Things I Promised God

if I'm Negative for HIV:

• Will attend the Passion on Good Friday (If I'm off that day I'll do the whole shebangey-bang, if not, will attend as early as I can until the end.)
• During my visit to see Eric in the Valley, I'll visit the Basiclica in San Juan, and attend confession.
• I'll watch "The Passion of the Christ"